Have you ever wondered where the guilt you sometimes feel is coming from? Do you think to yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about, yet you feel a twinge of guilt from time to time? Do you wonder if the guilt could be keeping you stuck in less than full mental health? Then read on.

I’m going to suggest one place guilt feelings come from and a simple way to reduce them.

When you were a child you were probably told a number of times that you should look both ways before you cross the street. Then when you mother would check up on you just before crossing a street, you would tell her with glee, "I should look both ways."

Notice I used the word ’should’ twice. First you were told what you should do and then the ’should’ became yours. Hearing the ’shoulds’ from parents, grandparents, teachers, older siblings and other important adults and then taking on the ’shoulds’ yourself happened thousands of times in your young life. It was a necessary part of your socialization and your learning self care and independence. It was perhaps even a part of your very survival.

Then as we grow into adults we pass on this critically important process to our own children. The cycle repeats.

A very successful, 40-something woman told me she felt she wasn’t measuring up as a person and that she should be doing better. She spewed a litany of things she "should have done." She spoke of feeling like a failure and feeling guilty. 

I noted that she used the word "should" nine times in a 2- or 3-minute description of her problem. She used the word "should" when speaking of her relationship, her adult children, her work, her feelings, her spirituality and her physical condition.

When I pointed out what I had just heard from her, she was totally surprised. She had been quite unconscious of how often she used the word ’should.’

I suggested she practice becoming aware of each time the uses it and practice changing her language to avoid using "should." For example, when she started to say "I should call my daughter tonight," she changed it to "I want to call my daughter tonight." She changed, "I have a heavy day tomorrow so I should go to bed early," to "…so I’m going to bed early."

In her case the process was transformative. Two weeks later she looked brighter and happier. She reported how there was no more guilt when she couldn’t get to something she wanted to do. She said she felt a weight had been lifted from her shoulders and she was free to just be herself and get on with her busy life.

As adults the ’shoulds’ of childhood have been well integrated long ago. You get along with others without telling yourself how you should behave.

Unfortunately, you may have carried the ’should’ habit into adulthood and then feel guilty with each ’should’ that isn’t fulfilled. And little spikes of guilt have grown into shame about your life and a guilty feeling of never measuring up.

The answer for you may be simple: just do as that woman did and, except when addressing your young children, rid your language of ’shoulds.’ The payoff in personal wellbeing from eliminating ’should’ from your vocabulary may amaze you.