by Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologogist

Grieving from loss touches all of us. It seems to intensify for many during the holidays, because there are so many memories of the past that was. 

Human beings who experience loss must grieve.  We must do that cleansing. The cycle of grieving and recovery from loss is a normal psychological/spiritual human process. We try to interfere with it at our peril.

What I went through in losing my parents as a child and teen was not fundamentally different from the later grieving for the death of my brother and other relatives, or grieving the loss of my wife through separation when I was in my thirties. Grieving comes with major loss. Period.

Grieving is not about fixed-length mourning periods or wearing black or avoiding new relationships. These are societal/cultural prescriptions which may help the bereaved and the community cope with the loss.

Most of the psychological work of grieving is unconscious. And we all know it takes time. Just how long the grieving process takes to unfold varies widely from person to person and culture to culture. When it comes to grief there is no such thing as one size fits all.

When you experience a sudden major loss, you will probably feel yourself plunge into grief and other low-level emotions like anxiety and fear. As the cycle of loss, grief and recovery continues to unfold over time, these emotions will give way to resentment and anger towards anyone and anything.

You might direct the anger towards others suffering from the same loss, because they are moving on too fast or not fast enough. It might even be directed towards the one you lost. That's okay. It's perfectly normal. In fact, I call it "good grief."

Wherever your anger is directed, celebrate it! It is a really good sign that the recovery cycle is nearly complete. Anger, although negative, is a higher-level emotion than grief or anxiety or resentment. The anger is a sign you are recovering normally and are in a later stage of grief. It will pass as you gradually return to the positive emotional levels where you lived before your loss. The worst thing you could do when the anger arises would be to try to stop it.

"If someone judges you for the way you grieve,
they are truly misguided."

If someone judges you for the way you grieve, they are truly misguided. Most of the grieving process is unconscious. As for the conscious part of grieving, human beings are masters at concealing conscious emotion when they need to. Anyone who sees you could not possibly be aware of more than a tiny fraction of what you are dealing with after a major loss.

The human need to grieve for the loss of a loved one doesn't diminish throughout life. It comes with the territory of living. As you come to understand the twists and turns grieving can take, you can better accept the process as normal.

Sometimes a loved one's death is not a total surprise—bad heart, cancer, extreme risk taker, heavy drinker, or simply very old. You may have completed much of the grieving process before the actual death, thereby shortening the apparent grieving period after the death.

Age can be a factor in how long a grieving period is needed. It turns out that one thing the very old have in common with one another is that they have all learned how to recover from loss quickly. The ones who didn't learn how didn't make it into their nineties.

Before my uncle died in his late nineties, he told me that everyone he ever knew—friends, fellow veterans, business associates and his generation of family—were all gone. He was the last. And that’s a lot of loss to recover from!

Copyright © Neill Neill. All rights reserved. Dr. Neill publishes other original articles in his popular newsletter, Dr. Neill Neill's Practical Psychology. Subscribe free at http://www.neillneill.com/psychology_newsletter.php

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