March 23, 2008
The Good Marriage Can last a Lifetime
Dr. Neill Neill
The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.
Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.
The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.
A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…
Marriage as a Sacred Container
Think of marriage as a sacred container, with the container being made up of agreed-upon characteristics or closely followed rules:
- Love. You view each other with open hearts.
- Fidelity. You are physically and emotionally faithful to each other.
- Respect. You see each other as unique individuals.
- Trust. Trust is a work in progress, so the commitment is to continue to grow in self trust, trust in the universe and trust in each other.
- Acceptance. You accept each other as you are and as you evolve and change throughout life.
- Commitment. You agree to be together for the long haul so you can invest fully in your relationship.
- Care. You are protective of each other’s well being.
- Open communication. Communication takes place at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. You never stop listening to understand and talking to connect.
- Honesty. Half truths and lies break trust.
- Support. You support each other in times of need and growth.
Don’t Mess with the Container
These are the basics of the marriage container. The marriage container brings the important element of predictability to the marriage, an essential if it is to last.
I call marriage a sacred container because the elements are inviolable—you don’t touch them.
On a more spiritual level the experience of developing a deep connection with your partner may be primary in you learning to be aware of your energetic/spiritual connection to others. And awareness of your spiritual connection to others is a gateway to conscious connection to God and the universe.
If you have a propensity to drama and adventure, "predictability" and "rules" may sound alarm bells about boredom. And you would be right; the marriage container is indeed boring. But wait…
Within that sacred container we call marriage, you can do almost anything. You can raise children, go back to school, paddle the Amazon, pursue artistic interests, write a book, build a business empire, race motorcycles, run for public office, meditate, walk the North Coast Trail, go bankrupt, sit with a dying loved one, volunteer, travel or read.
When you look back on your life you will find that many of the constraints on your adventures were self imposed or imaginary. It wasn’t your marriage that stopped you.
Any kind of drama or adventure is possible within the container, except to say, "Never mess with the container." If you protect the container, your marriage can last a lifetime.
Accidental or indirect container damage, however, can and does occur. For example, if one of you develops an alcohol addiction, denial, half truths and outright lies inevitably creep in. Hiding the truth damages crucial parts of the container, honesty and trust. Without repair to the container, that is, without addressing the addiction, the marriage slips from connection to alienation. Sometimes the deterioration is fast; sometimes it’s painfully slow.
Accidents do happen, but without corrective action the accidents become, not accidents, but direct assaults on the marriage just as surely as infidelity.
www.neillneill.com
www.ConqueringAlcoholism.com
Search Tags: marriage
1 Comment »
Amy :
My husband is a highly functioning alcoholic. We’ve been married for 9 years The first year of our marriage was fantastic, although he drank, it wasn’t a major problem as far as the marriage was concerned. He worked away from home a lot and I knew he drank more during those times but when he was home he seemed to be able to control his drinking. The problems for me started out of the blue when I organised a surprise weekend away to celebrate out anniversary. He knew I had something planned but when the time came, he just didn’t come home from work that weekend. He was working interstate and chose to stay and attend a lunch with some mates.
Shortly after that, we were in bed and I rolled over in my sleep and touched him, he sat bolt up right, got straight out of bed and angrily accused me of ‘fiddling’ with him. The has been virtually no intimacy in our marriage since then. I have tried to get him into counselling and even waited 6 years to raise it again (which was 12 months ago) because he said the pressures of work (and problems with his family) were just too great for him to deal with this as well.
I am his second wife and I now know he and his first wife slept in separate bedrooms for at least the last ten years of their marriage.
I recently tried to get counselling for him and us but it only made matters worse. A couple of times when I’ve raised the issue, he’s gone to the kitchen, got a knife and threatened to cut a certain body part off. He is very sensitive to either seeing me undressing, in the bath room or me seeing him.
It all got too much for me a few months ago and so I moved out. As a result, he started drinking more and has completely shut down emotionally. He absolutely refuses to speak about our marriage except for basics like investments etc.
I have wondered if he may be repressing a homosexual orientation but he adamently denies he is.
I have been attending Alanon meetings and am finding them very helpful regarding the nature of alcohol which I now believe he could be using as a self medication for deeper problems but I don’t seem to be able to get any information or advice on how help my husband and I and hopefully our marriage. I have seen a counsellor but couldn’t go any further with regard to this because he refused to engage in couples counselling. I should point out that in terms of intimacy, it’s not just a lack of physical intimacy that was withdrawn. There is no spiritual or emotional intimacy either. Apart from generalities, he phased out many years ago. He perks up a bit when he’s drinking but there’s no depth to our conversations. He is very cold and aloof. Also I usually have to repeat myself when I do say something because he seems to be in this little world of his own and is never fully tuned in. I should mention too that since he retired 2 years ago, his drinking had increased and before I left, he was starting as early as 10am and hiding his wine in coffee cups behind the computer etc. He doesn’t do ANYTHING except watch TV and sit in front of a computer and he has no desire to do anything. He blames me for his retirement and says he should have stayed working. We retired because we no longer needed to work and so we bought a RV with the intention of travelling the country for a couple of years. He spent years finding the ‘perfect’ RV. We were only on the road for four weeks before he lost interest but wouldn’t say why. I figured it might be because he can’t drink until he passes out. Anyway he says he doesn’t like it and so he’s selling the rig. We ended up going no where.
I realise the nature of my query is very personal but I am working on the notion I am not the only wife in the world who’s experiencing this and that there may be some other avenues I could explore. I love my husband and would dearly love to have a healthy, fully functioning marriage. In my heart of hearts I know it takes two people willing to do the hard yards to make a marriage work and I can’t make him but for me I can’t seem to move on with my life not understanding what happened. My husband is 58 and I just turned 55. There is still so much I want to do in life. Thank you