Most men in the 40 to 55 age range will experience a period of emotional difficulty at some point. A minority will reach that point before 40 or after 55.

They typically go through it privately, but if it becomes visible, it is sometimes called a mid-life crisis. They may feel unhappy or anxious, or feel stuck in an unsatisfying marriage. They may be troubled by physical problems such as, high blood pressure, heart problems or insomnia. They may be spending or drinking compulsively.

Regardless of the set of symptoms each presents, they are unanimous in their feeling that something is not quite right in their lives.

They question what they have accomplished in life, what work they have left to do, whether they will ever feel fulfilled, whether they have supported their families properly or will be able to do so in the future, and whether they have measured up as men. 

It does not help at all when someone dismisses their angst with "You’re just having a mid-life crisis!"

Women face many of the same questions, but women as a group are better equipped to deal with them. For one thing, their socialization allows them to talk about their disturbing thoughts and feelings with women friends.

In contrast, many men of that generation have been socialized to keep it inside. Each assumes he is the only one dealing with these deep and troubling questions. 

A closer look at the current generation of men over forty reveals some common themes. They share a strong work ethic and have worked hard for many years. They have identified with their jobs and have been loyal to their employers. They are a generation of men that were brought up to believe they had full financial responsibility for their families.

They measured themselves by their success as workers and providers.

But in the modern workplace the qualities of loyalty and competence have not been rewarded—downsizing, redundancy, etc. Many have passed the peak of their careers, and the peak was not as high as they had hoped. Others are scrambling for ways to postpone retirement. Some are in retirement and busy with golf and gardening, but feeling unfulfilled and medicating with alcohol. 

The underlying issue is that each man built his identity around his occupation, around being a teacher, for example, or a welder, a salesman, an accountant or an engineer. When a man’s identity is threatened or shattered, it is as if he has died a little. He gets depressed and lashes out at his family. Alternatively, he withdraws from his family and may hit the bottle. In losing his identity, he loses his purpose in life.

Men need to realize that almost every other man of their age is going through a parallel period of self-examination. Most do it on their own; others may hire a coach to help them go deeper. The self-examination, if successful, will help identify the core qualities they have developed over the years.

The core qualities are the intangible qualities that are not in job descriptions—integrity, presence, stick-to-itiveness, compassion, empathy, leadership, spirituality, vision and the breadth of knowledge and wisdom that comes from life experience. They bring these qualities to anything and everything they do.

These are the enduring qualities that constitute the measure of a man.

Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.
www.neillneill.com
www.ConquerAlcoholism.com