October 19, 2008
Domestic Abuse and Violence Awareness
Dr. Neill Neill
Domestic violence and child abuse are two very sensitive topics. Yet, October is dedicated to helping people become aware of these two types of abuse and how to recognize an abusive relationship. The article focuses on awareness of spousal abuse in particular.
I knew a man who regularly raged at his wife, but never in public, so few people knew about it. As his wife got better at not accepting unwarranted blame, his rages grew into smashing furniture and driving recklessly. He eventually assaulted her and broke bones. Then she left. He always believed she was at fault.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in the United States and Child Abuse Awareness Month in Canada. I want to focus on the larger category of domestic abuse and violence, because so much of that spills over to the children. By writing about domestic violence, I am also talking about child abuse when children are present.
I once met a man that everybody liked. He was a good guy, well educated and civil. When he was out with his wife, he would put her down in front of others. They were little put-downs, and always with a smile.
At home with his family, he would openly criticize her, and sometimes make very demeaning remarks about her competence, her looks or her ability to parent. She and her children had learned to avoid talking about many subjects in front of him so he wouldn’t get upset and walk out on them. The atmosphere always darkened when he came home from work.
Domestic abuse can be blatant as in the first example, or subtle like the latter. Both of my examples were of men abusing women, because men abusing women is much more common and visible than women abusing men. However, the latter does happen.
Most people would not immediately think of my second example as domestic abuse, so what does it have in common with the example of the man who beat his wife?
Domestic abuse at its core involves one person exercising controlling behavior over their intimate partner. The abuser may be possessive, jealous and accusatory. He may stalk her. He may blame his partner for his behavior. The abuser will often try to increase his control by isolating his partner from her family and her friends.
He will use verbal violence (her fault), or emotional abuse, in an attempt to maintain a relationship of unequal power. He threatens her with poverty or loss of her children if she leaves him. He controls the money. If he senses he is losing control of her, he may escalate the verbal violence to punching walls and other menacing behavior. If that fails to control her, physical violence against her person is only one step away. After all, in his world order, he owns her.
Women in abusive relationships, tend to lose their sense of self. Their space and everything that is theirs feels violated. They feel disconnected and isolated. Their own homes do not feel safe, so they tiptoe around when he’s home. They have taken the blame so often their self-esteem is gone, yet they feel responsible for what has happened. Many feel hopelessly stuck.
Any combination of these signs indicates that there is a problem. Lots can be said about what actions to take if you find yourself in an abusive relationship. It starts with self-care and rebuilding your sense of self.
But above all, put your safety and the safety of your children first. If you have to leave the relationship, the key words are "quietly and quickly."
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, and is on the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction rehab centre for men. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Personal Change."
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4 Comments »
stephanie :
Domestic abuse can have many forms. Woman are very good at excusing their partner’s behaviour to maintain the peace. We even talk ourselves out of what is really going on. We tell ourselves lies and then live according to them knowing all the while that something is very wrong.
Mati :
So now I have left him and spent a year without child support, having been threatened with his taking custody and dragging out families and friends through a horrific court battle. I have told him that he will start paying child support and now am living in fear of the retaliation of standing up for myself and my child. WHAT NOW?
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hash! Bullies hate it when people stand up to them. They hate being embarrassed. Your number one is your safety. Be safe. Never see him without another adult present. Don’t give in to his bullying. Make notes on everything he has done and said so far and then keep up the notes. Talk to him only through your lawyer until things are settled. When he is court ordered to pay child support, he will either do it, or leave the state to evade paying. (That’s a mixed blessing.)
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hi Mati,
Hash! Bullies hate it when people stand up to them. They hate being embarrassed. Your number one is your safety. Be safe. Never see him without another adult present. Don’t give in to his bullying. Make notes on everything he has done and said so far and then keep up the notes. Talk to him only through your lawyer until things are settled. When he is court ordered to pay child support, he will either do it, or leave the state to evade paying. (That’s a mixed blessing.) Neill