First Decade:
I found I loved adventure, and I learned about risk reduction.
In my first decade of life, I realized that I loved adventure, and that with adventure, comes risk. I traveled solo by train between cities, with a change of trains en route, at age 6. I hiked 15 miles to my uncle’s farm at age 9. I began to hitchhike.
But on one of my adventures into the countryside, I had my leg ripped open by a dog. On another, I crashed my bicycle and woke up at home three hours later. At age four and seven, while on excursions, I was abducted and sexually molested. Once, I was tortured and left for dead.
I learned early in life to pay attention to risk reduction in my adventures.
My mother, probably like most mothers, read the classic fairy tales to me. I was fascinated by the character of “the wise old man” who kept appearing in the stories. I set my first goal at age five or six: I would be wise when I was old.
Early in life, I developed a strong work ethic. I worked my first summer and part-time jobs at aged six; they never stopped until I became a full-time professional.
Second Decade:
I can do anything, and I will stand up.
When I was 11 years old, I walked to the library with my mother. We were poor and had no car. My father had died three years earlier. She told me about how Andrew Carnegie had left money to build libraries in small towns all over North America. She called him a “philanthropist.”
I asked her if I could be a philanthropist when I grew up. She put her hands on my shoulders, looked me square in the eyes and said, “You can be anything you want to be.” That is when I announced my intention to be a philanthropist.
That same year with the knowledge that I could do anything, I took money I had saved from my part-time jobs, bought materials and tools, taught myself how to use the tools, and I built a boat. I built a trailer for my bicycle so I could get the boat to water. More adventures…
My mother died in a car crash when I was 16, and all of the witnesses, one by one, said they did “not want to get involved.” I vowed I would stand up and be counted whenever it was the right thing to do. And I believe I have.
Third Decade:
I alone am responsible for my self-care and well-being.
Marriage. Fatherhood. Domestic abuse. Dysfunction. Divorce.
Fourth Decade:
It is in my best interest to do what I am most interested in doing.
This has been the guiding principle since about age 33. Sometimes it has meant a major drop in income, or loss of a pension plan, or a major move, but I have no regrets.
I also learned that decade that if I wanted to live, I could not drink.
Fifth Decade:
I can live by my wits.
I had always had jobs, the longest as a university teacher. I wanted to know if I could live by my wits. Did I have the ability and emotional makeup to be in business?
I tested myself in the investment real estate brokerage business, and I did well financially. The real stretch was not in making money, but in managing life with a paycheck on average of once every 11 months.
I have run businesses or been self-employed for the majority of the time since age 40.
Sixth Decade:
People heal around me.
All my life people have come to me for counsel and advice. I had always minimized the fact and importance of this. In my 50s I had the realization that people do heal emotionally, spiritually and occasionally even physically when we connect. I still do not understand it fully, but I have come to accept it.
Seventh Decade:
I can write to help others.
I discovered I can write in a way that helps others grow and heal.
It has also been a time of spiritual growth, as I have allowed myself to experience the interconnectedness of us all.
Today:
I invite you to go through the exercise of self reflection on your own life.
After all, your wisdom is the distillation of your knowledge, and your knowledge is information filtered through the web of your life experience.
Note to myself:
I will do this exercise again in 10 years.
Dr. Neill maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
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{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Dr. Neill,
In your article you mentioned you dealt with spousal abuse. Were you the abused or the abuser?
Good question, Lu.
I never thought of the question back in those days; it was just a very difficult marriage in which I lost much of my sense of self.
More recently I had occasion to try Dr. Jeanne King’s test for identifying abusive relationships. I found that I met most of the criteria for being abused. But let me be clear: I was not innocent, and I did fight back. However, it was 9 years before I left, confused and emotionally beat up. Dr. King’s website is http://www.preventabusiverelationships.com
It would be interesting to hear from others, both men and women, who felt beat up as they left a relationship, or who got a big life-lesson from a failed relationship.
Neill
Hi Neill,
You have posted a note to yourself which says: I will do this exercise again in 10 years.
My godmother, Merlyn Swan, told me a long time ago that she does this every year at about the time of her birthday!
Thank you for sharing this.
This is a great idea. It is also very inspiring. I think I need to give it a try. Reflection is always helpful and makes for better growth. Thank you.
Thank you Aneeta and Wendy,
The annual reflective review is extremely valuable. I’m not as regular as your Grandmother; I usually do that exercise when i get back from a vacation. The ten-year one is on my whole life.
However, now that you mention it, at my age I would probably be a good idea to do the big reflective review more frequently.
He or she who self-reflects the best wins in life.
Bless you both.