For the past year I have been working as consulting psychologist to an alcohol and drug addiction treatment center for men. This is not my first experience in dealing with addiction; I had earlier worked five years in a coed treatment center. I have worked with a lot of functioning alcoholics and drug addicts in my private practice as well.
Although the reasons for substance abuse and subsequent seeking help for addiction are as varied as any human population can be, there is a pattern of sameness in among those men voluntarily going into rehab.
The seven characteristics presented below relate to what is going on at the point men seek help, not to the years when usage turned to habitual substance abuse and then to addiction. Some of the characteristics, but not all, apply to women as well as men. I have become aware that certain things emerge in a group of men that did not surface when men were in a coed group.
Since the characteristics are more psychological and spiritual than physical, they apply whether the addiction is to alcohol or other drugs.
- Alcohol and drugs help men suppress feelings they are worthless and undeserving. These horrible feelings usually emanate from unresolved trauma, sometimes going back to childhood. This is sad, because all unresolved trauma is treatable even after years have passed. Most of the other themes below also have traumatic origins.
- Drinking and drugging help men avoid facing a profound lack of self-respect. The silver lining is that if they had acknowledged how little respect they had for themselves, say 10 years earlier, they might have suicided or died through other reckless action. Many have.
- Many alcoholic and drug-addicted men carry a lot of anger, and along with the anger they often have a fear they will become violent and hurt someone. Drinking calms them, at least temporarily. The problem is it eventually becomes an addiction. In my experience healing the origins of anger trumps managing anger every time.
- Often by the time men seek rehab they are mired in feelings of hopelessness about their addiction, about their marriages, about their careers, about life or about all of these. Yes they may project an image of bravado and self-confidence, but underneath there is a loss of hope. They go to rehab as their last hope.
- Men who have turned to alcohol or drugs often carry a great deal of shame about not being able to make their wives happy or otherwise care for them. Of course, each of us has responsibility for our own happiness, but that does not stop men from subconsciously taking on that responsibility. This is a peculiarly male burden.
- Men may come to terms with their addiction at any time of life, but middle age is prime time. It is in middle age that we all find ourselves facing up to the big questions about the meaning of life and the meaning and purpose of our own lives in particular. Alcohol or drugs may cover a man’s inadequacy to face the big questions. Unfortunately, it may be the failure of a second marriage or the death of a child that pushes him to clean up so he can tackle life’s big questions and begin to create a meaningful and purposeful second half of life.
- Finally, alcohol and drug usage foster isolation. They help people deny their connections to one another, to the universe, to God, to their higher powers, to their true selves. In other words substance abuse is a spiritual blocker. Recovery from an addiction is often accompanied by an awakening of their spirituality.
If any of these seven fits your husband, excellent treatment programs are available.
If you are a functioning alcoholic or drug addict and are reading this, do ask yourself honestly if any of these fit you. Perhaps it’s time to take a hard look at your life and make some changes while you still can.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, “Addiction and Codependency Simplified.”
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maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow! How do I go on? How can so much of this be me without having been able to realize it? Where do I go from here? The reason I have been doing this research is because I have been preoccupied with suicide. How does someone go on. How does someone forgive themselves?
Is there really such thing as asecond chance? would it be the same
Hi Jeff,
Most people using alcohol or drugs are doing in part from being aware of their pain. So as usage stops or slows, realizations may flood in.
Where is a good question. My standard answer is to find a good psychologist or other therapist who also knows his or her way around addictions, and stay with them until you are past any suicide risk.
You said, “How does someone go on. How does someone forgive themselves?” How questions are usually roadblocks. What is important is that you decide to go on, and decide to forgive yourself, not how you will do it. The how will follow your decision to do it.
Get whatever help you need to follow through on your decision, but please be wary of people or organizations who try to tell you that your condition is permanent and that you will be “in recovery” for the rest of your life. I was an alcoholic, but I am not in recovery. I live a full life.
Of course there is a second chance…and a third, and a fourth, if you are still with us. But little will be the same. When you make a major change, everything changes. It’s unpredictable and there’s no going back.
However, my experience, and that of tens of thousands of others, has been that after the initial turmoil of change, life is better than it was before…a lot better. That is why I like working with people after they have “quit” to help them recreate their lives. In fact, I am designing a program for just that. It should be ready by the summer. If you are on my notification list you will get the announcements.
Decide to live; you will thank yourself.
Neill
What, if anything, is the appropriate thing to say or do if you think a man you know is addicted to drugs and alcohol?
I started dating someone recently and after several dates it became clear to me he was always using when we were together and using a lot. I got out of the relationship as soon as I realized he has addiction issues and is emotionally unavailable. I never confronted him about it.
I have no intention of going back to him but I do care about him and wonder if there is anything I can say or do? It’s sad because he is a young man in his mid-twenties and I hate the thought that he may spend many more years of his life addicted before he gets sober. It seems like such a waste of precious years.
Thanks in advance for your feedback,
Sally
Hello Sally,
Your opting out of the relationship at an early stage has likely saved you a mountain of pain and grief. Smart! It may take a few painful breakups for him to decide he has to change and take action, but he might never do it.
There is really not much to say, unless you bump into him one day and he asks why you stopped seeing him. Then you could tell him about your "such a waste" feelings. However, he knows that. He may say, "I’ll quit if you come back." Don’t bite.
You might meet him ten years from now and hear him say, "I quit 8 years ago." Congratulate him, and privately thank your lucky stars that you were not part of the carnage that got him to that place of decision.
Neill
Thank you so much for your feedback and support. Dating an alcoholic has been a profound experience for me.
Are these things common among active alcoholics? (These are observations I made of the man I was dating and I’m wondering if they are part of the disease.)
They are narcissists.
They talk and act as if they are happy and on top of the world.
They are emotionally unavailable.
They make you feel crazy even though you are the healthy one in the room.
It was a very disorienting experience for me.
Thank you,
Sally
My hsb(functioning alcoholic)and I have been married 10yrs and it has been a rollercoaster with finances. I hv put him out 3times becuz I couldnt take his emotional,disconnect,verbal abuse! Our daughter who is 7yrs old misses him becuz this last time I sd I cant save him and he already hd a car accident drinking with our daughter and when he is with her he says indirect mean things about me to her so now she is poisoned and thinks Im the bad guy and her father is just the greatest,becuz when i am not around he talks bad about me (your mom has a big mouth,talks too much,i love her,but sick of your mom,etc) so I have cut all ties with him blocking his numbers from work and cell and i am taking our daughter to Al-teen. I still love him but cant deal with him anymore i am now living for me. only thing he hasn’t tried to call or filed for divorce so my life is on hold becuz im saved so i wonder if he will miss us although i hear he is cheating!
now that he is out the house around all his enablers (sister,ex-girlfriend,friends tht drink)c i have never drinked or smoked,etc so this has bn a learning experience for me he’s not the least bit concerned also told our counselor he wld not be coming back after i cut off his phone contact i just think its best to c if falls or moves on. its hurtful but i think about the bad which outweighs the good. he has a good heart but the drinking cant handle it and he has a anger problem……i pray he gets saved & driven to JESUS CHRIST! then comes home a saved man then i could deal with him better. thanks for listening:)
I am worried about my husband and think he’s a HFA. He drinks everyday, sometimes only a couple but other weekdays up to 6 or more, and on the weekends usually at least a 12 pack for everynight. He never gets violent with me but will occasionally drive drunk and doesn’t see it as a problem to drink a beer in the car with the kids as long as it’s in isolation and he’s not drunk. When I confront him on the exessiveness of his drinking he denies it and becomes very defensive. He agreed a couple of months a go to cut back and take a couple nights out alltogether, but has only taken out maybe 2 nights a month. I’m worried about his health and think he would open himself up emotionally to be a better husband and dad if he weren’t drinking at home all the time. Is he a typical HFA and what do I do to get him to listen or to get help?
Hi Shauna,
There’s not a lot you can do, except take care of yourself and your children. Don’t any of you ride with him if he has had a drink. Don’t support his drinking. Educate yourself on treatment options so that you are ready with information when and if he admits he has a problem.
My husband is a heavy drinker. Over the past 4 months he has been drinking even more. He goes to work daily but the moment he walks in the door, he fixes a scotch. I have lovingly confronted him recently. He made no comment. He went to AA for over a year but stopped going in April. I have been contemplating leaving but think, why should I leave my home. We have been married 40 years. I don’t know what to do.
Dear Susan,
Wanting to stay in your home is one of the practical details to look after. Talk with a lawyer. He or she will explain your rights and may recommend a court action ordering him to leave.
Do make a decision, because you deserve a life. Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
I was a heavy drug user for 20 years also drinker…I stopped it all 7 years ago,,,drugs,booze,fags. Its far easier than one may feel it is…quit the lot then one won’t bring you back to the other..I even quit eating meat too…even now at times i crave..but hold on and the feeling passes by in a short time…set new challenges..mine is travel..for 20 years i spent every penny i had on getting high..never leaving the house..since i quit the lot..i have more money and have travelled the world..i needed a aim..travel is that..if you can get past the first week or so fix free..then you can do without it for the rest of your life..now im really happy and have more money than i ever had..go on..give it a try..slow jog or fast walk it off..you can make it..good luck
Thanks Mark,
I did the same thing; I simply quit. That was decades ago.
When me and my boyfriend first got together two years ago, he had been hiding his addiction from me very well. I soon found out what a monster his drinking made him. He would not go to work, he had no social life, he would even drink so much he would black out and urinate himself. He’s young and has so much life ahead of him. He’s been to jail, sober houses, AA, but nothing has honestly made an impact. Everyday I hear the same excuses, “It takes time.” or ” “I drink because I got drunk.” and everyday (when hes drunk), he throws in my face my achievements in life. Constantly telling me I’m perfect, and I do no wrong. (sarcasticly)HE has lost all of his families trust and is seriously loosing mine. His drinking is the root of all of his problems.. and he is aware of that. When he’s sober, he cries a lot. Because of things hes said or done under the influence and his inability to succeed. Is there anything I can do? I know you can’t help people who do not want to help themselves, but I believe he does, he just has been down so many dead end roads he doesn’t know where to go next.
Thank you.
Ashley,
There is not much you can do for him as long as he lives his life as a victim of alcohol. If he chooses not to be a victim, he will quit, getting help if he needs it. It is quite possible that alcohol is not the root of all his problems, but the medication he is using so as not to face his problems. But you cannot be his therapist.
The dead-end roads will continue to be dead ends as long as he is looking for solutions outside of himself. He might find it useful, when sober to check out my website, http://www.conqueralcoholism.com, particularly the questionnaire about getting help.
It might be some consolation to you, to know that alcohol does save lives, although it ruins more than it saves. Sometimes, suicides and murders are averted by the calming effects of alcohol. By drinking, he can avoid facing the horror of his life.
I recently read your book and found it to be so helpful. Here I am 22 years married and my H has a great job, but 3 or 4 nights a week, he gets home and has 6 or 8 beers and a whole bottle of wine until he cannot even stand up or walk. Sometimes he is home from work on Mondays complaining of chills and weakness. He tells me that it is allergies. He has a different personality when drinking; very mean, and rude and scolding. I am worried about my teenage kids. My H says he is getting some help but he continues to binge drink (He is 49 yrs old) and had 14 drinks this past Saturday. I am at the point that I want to leave. What is the best way to help him get help?
Thank you, Susan
Hi Susan,
If he really want to get help, he could read the last section of the book, which is on treatment options. Then go to the info on http://www.conqueralcoholism.com
If he isn’t ready to leave that life behind, there isn’t much you can do. Sometimes, just ending the marriage is enough of a jolt that he eventually decides to turn his life around. However, the marriage really has to be over, or quitting drinking become just another bargaining chip.
Hi Neil,
I can see myself in those 7 questions. Past childhood trauma is a big one, I’d say. After my 12 year relationship fell apart I was lost for a few years. Guilt, shame, anger over what wasn’t or never will be was at the forefront of my addiction. Although I wasn’t a drinker, I was drugger. Addiction is an easy way NOT to feel the emotion of any kind.