July 31, 2009
How to End a Relationship
Dr. Neill Neill
There are many ways to end a relationship. But many troubled relationships can be turned around, especially if things have not been left simmering for too long. Rebuilding a relationship requires an intention on the part of each party to change. Focusing exclusively on the other is a recipe for failure. Witness: "You make me drink." "Your drinking is the cause of our problems."
Sadly, some relationships reach a point of no return. They are beyond being able to rebuild respect, trust, peace and love. Those marriages need to end.
Here are five ways to end a relationship, four of them bad.
1. With no love and a minimum of contact, live out separate lives under the same roof until one of you finally dies. For most, this is a recipe for living a very small, lonely and unfulfilling life.
2. One party runs away. When there is abuse, sometimes moving to another province is the only way to escape and survive. Drastic, but at least the one who left is out of danger.
Unfortunately, sometimes one person skips just to avoid his or her legal financial responsibilities, not an honorable way to end a relationship.
The third and fourth ways involve relationships where one party wants out, but doesn’t have the moral courage to end it.
3. He or she embarks on a program of bullying, picking fights, verbal abusing, criticizing, stonewalling and harassing until their partner feels so beat up, they leave in desperation, often empty handed. The one who is left cries righteously, "I was abandoned, so of course I get to keep the assets. I’m the victim here."
I have seen this scenario played with such precision that neither party had much insight into what just happened.
4. Having an affair bring things to a head. Marriage infidelity tends to do that. It is perhaps the most cowardly way, because it uses a third party in the process, a person who usually ends up getting hurt too.
5. If you know in your heart that this relationship cannot go on in its present soul-robbing form, you have looked inside and taken action on what you could do, you have discussed your dilemma with your partner multiple times and been met with stonewalling or blame, then take action now.
Get legal and whatever other guidance you need. Then announce you are separating and propose a plan and immediate action steps. Be very clear you are not discussing the issue of separation, just the initial form it will take.
Keep the discussion clean. Speak as if separated, so that you do not get into rehashing old discussions about why you are taking this action. You do not owe an ex-partner an explanation for anything, and you are not responsible for their feelings or actions. Your response to his or her reactions is, "You will do what you have to do."
Finally, do not forget that this is an ending and you will grieve. Do not confuse your normal grief for thinking you made a mistake. It might make you crazy.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada, with a focus on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.
www.neillneill.com,
www.ConquerAlcoholism.com.
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7 Comments »
Tracy :
My husband and I have separated after almost 25 years of marriage. Numerous times over the last 10 years he promised me he would cut back on his drinking. When I asked him to get help he said he did not need any. I told him that was his choice and that it be best we go our separate ways. We are now living apart, and we have a good friendship, which I’m thankful for, I know it cannot be that way for everyone. He lives close by which is good for our younger son and I have our pet dog which he comes to visit. I’m not looking back and have no regrets. When I think about our life together it was not all bad, but I reached a breaking point and the only behavior you can change is your own. It’s not easy starting over at 50 but I feel a heavy weight lifted and realize that I will not be helping myself by holding onto anger and resentment for his choices.
Christopher :
Dear Dr.,
I have seen all these conditions under which a marriage relationship can be stopped, but to me stopping in any way the relationship is not the best way to solve the marriage problems at the individual level, but also it depends on what kind of relationship and how far has the relationship gone.To my understanding when some one wants to make a decision to do something or take action on any issues there must be severals questions to be considered;
1. Am I ready for it?
2. What are the sustainability trends?
3. What are the possible remedies for the shortcoming Challeges
As a God’s creature, we all have our personal weaknesses and a prtner’s weakness should not always create a loopholes for separetion,because stopping relationship in otherwords means separation.
Because you might have been used to the other in away, it will psycologically be upsetting your mind though on the other hand is seen as a success of stress relief.
Now my advise to fellow couple are:
For happy and endless relationship,the followings are to be poured as the Relationship’s foundation concrete
1. Trust
2. Love
3. faithfullness
4. Submission
5. confident building
I should have in to details explained these to my colligues but i think I will do this next time.
Thanks
Marilyn Osborne :
I think there are so many formulas for love and marriage that the core foundation ingredients are overlooked. How many times have couples said they love, and adore, etce., etc….each other, but those are pretty much entangled with emotions. As their emotions rise and fall, so does the degree of their ‘love.’
I maintain that Respect and Commitment are the underlying ingredients for successful relationships across the board. For some reason, respect and commitment are associated with business matters and professional ethics.
I’ve heard my parents speak of business deals being sealed with “My word is my bond” and then ’shaking’ on it with a handshake. The deal was sealed. Decision was made. They Respected each other and were Committed to keeping their word. Period!
Why can’t we be that serious about marriage? True it’s more than an arrangement, but I can respect and commit to a poject or person without loving them. BUT I cannot truly LOVE without respecting and committing myself to them, not just to the marriage! To have a successful marriage, both spouses must agree on that or there is no marriage.
Love is the epitome of Respect and Commitment. Without them, the emotions can too easily be defined as fluff.
anna :
this is where i am right now..deciding if i should end the relationship of 7 years…my husband hasn’t been home for 2 days since I read him the article “That fuctioning alcoholic is your husband”…I didn’t even finished it before he snapped and stormed out…over the years..i’ve tried different ways…we’ve fought over it…every time after a big fight..he decided to quit…but the longest one lasted for 6 days…you see..the problem is that he is a foreigner in this country ( we are in China) and he doesn’t speak the local language…so it’s difficult for him to have friends…because he only chose ppl who drink to be his friends..that means when he stops drinking, he has no friends or other family except for me…I can see that he is really trying…trying to make this relationship work and I believe that he loves me very much…he came to this country for me,you know..and when he is sober, he is such a nice guy…but when alcohol gets into him, he changes into a different person…..so…over the years..i guess i’ve changed too…when we first got married, i told him everything..but then i found out he pretty much doesn’t remember anything i told him because he was drunk,so gradually, i stopped talking to him..sometimes i don’t even want to listen to him talking while he is drunk…you know…it’s hard to take any of his drunk words seriously…since he likes his quiet time with his drinking buddies, he refuses to do any part-time job…so it was at the begining of this year when i decided that i should be financially independant…i took up several jobs and i doubled our income and thought more money would make our life easier…but at the same time, i started to spend a little more as well..thinking why can’t i spoil myself and buy sth i want when he is burning all the money on booz…so the situation now is that …i work all the time and we still don’t have much saving…the last fight we had..he said ‘ he didn’t have a wife to talk to for ages..coz i never listen to him..and he blamed me for not being able to save any money and he even accused me of spending money on another’ man’…….so here i am…chewing over this question…what should i do? should i give up on him and on this relationship? What to do with our 3 year old daughter? she doesn’t look like chinese at all…so the first question she gets from every stranger is ‘where is your father from?”…i can’t imagine what damage our seperation would do to her…But it seems impossible for my husband to quit drinking in this country..without any professional help and support of any friends…PLEASE HELP!
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hi Anna,
There is no easy answer. the article about separation and children might be helpful. Find it at http://www.neillneill.com/154/unhappy-marriage-for-your-children/
john diur :
Im in truble with the one who supposed to be my fiancee
Dr. Neill Neill :
John,
You sound troubled. Your body may be telling you the relationship is ending, or, at least, something is very wrong. Get professional help ASAP, before you do something that can’t be reversed. No matter how bad things seem, they will pass. But do get professional help.