Some people view change as positive. Some people view it as negative. The fact of the matter is we all experience change at one point or another. So, why do we try to resist change?
Around the end of August I went on a solo motorcycle journey to the southern Yukon and back. That always clears my head. Then Eileen and I circumnavigated the Olympic Peninsula by car. Road trips are good! Home again in the quiet aftermath, I got a big flash about change…
I’m in the business of helping people change, and I often write about change. I encourage people to embrace change rather than resist it, and I support them through their changes.
Yet earlier this year I found myself resisting change. I was dragging my feet on a project I wanted to complete. I could always find something in need of tweaking. The timing wasn’t quite right. Finally, I told myself I was too busy and put that project on the shelf to gather dust.
Was I afraid I would fail? I don’t think so. I had a workable plan and I knew how to execute the steps. It wouldn’t cost much and I had the help I needed. Furthermore, success would help others and bring me profit. So what stopped me?
The answer goes to the nature of change, the nature of the universe. From chaos theory, an innocuous event (a change) here can lead to big changes half way around the world.
Think back to your school days. You may recall something a teacher said that has shaped your life. A simple statement can change a life and reverberate through generations. And none of this can be predicted. By the very nature of change, the ripple effects are unknowable.
I wasn’t afraid I would fail; I was afraid I would succeed. And if I succeeded… I could imagine all sorts of negative ripple effects of that simple achievement. What if…
One change inevitably leads to more changes, most of which are not predictable. Anyone who has ever experienced a divorce understands that. You don’t know which friends will disappear. You don’t know if you’ll ever be in a relationship again. You don’t know if your adult kids will accept a new partner. For many it’s easier to stay in an unfulfilling marriage than to face an ocean of uncertainty.
Suppose you are a real estate agent selling just enough to get by. What would happen if you applied everything you know about real estate and quadrupled your sales? A drinking problem? A divorce? A bankruptcy? A lawsuit? The point is, you can’t know what the effects of quadrupling your sales would be. That scares you, so you continue to sell just enough to get by.
The interesting thing for me is that the long-term aftermath of a change, in balance, has always been positive. Without that divorce, I wouldn’t be with my soul mate; without a big success in real estate, and subsequent bankruptcy, we wouldn’t be living in paradise.
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Article by Dr. Neill Neill
Dr. Neill maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree that change is unadvoidable and it can be emabraced as either a positive or negative in a person’s life. However, I also think change has to be an alteration that isn’t sought out as an act of desperation. There are times some people chase change in order to facilitate fleeing from something else. I can’t imagine that this is healthy.
I have been forced to accept change due to circumstances beyond my control. More often than not these changes have eventually had a positive impact that enabled me to pursue goals I had set for my life. This resulted in unexpected measures of success but more importantly I learned things about myself I never could have suspected were a part of me.
I have just returned from a challenging weekend caring for my niece’s 8 month old son while she participated in a course related to work. The weekend away from my usual environs was something I needed and didn’t realize. My husband stayed home and that caused me to resist preparing and ultimately leaving for the weekend, simply because I don’t like being away from him. However, when I arrived home on Monday afternoon I realized that the brief interlude provided by the weekend made me feel more “up” and happier than ever to be back at home with the treasure of my life, John. Change is more often than not a good thing but sometimes a lttle frightening.
The hardest part about changing are the moments that lead up to the decision to do so. I think it’s apparent that change is necessary … we all must evolve whether in positive or negative ways. But after the change at least the anxiety of deciding to is no longer there. You decided. The hardest part for me has been the thinking involved that makes you know change is warranted and necessary. The adaption is hard but the time before making is very tough.