By Carrie Powell-DavidsonWe hope that Christmas is a time of joy and happy memories for everyone but the sad truth is, it is not. Many people have experienced the loss of a loved one and celebrating Christmas without them is unbearable. Others may be battling one of life’s challenges such as addiction, illness or poverty and well, their priorities just don’t include a warm and fuzzy holiday. For many of us who work so hard throughout the year, the mere thought of taking on yet another burden like preparing for Christmas is squashing any hopes of a merry ho ho. As retailers and revelers prepare to greet the festivities with open arms, let’s slow it down a notch and have a look at some ways that might help you to relax this season.
“One of the biggest problems with Christmas is that people lay a lot of stuff on themselves.” Dr Neill Neill, a psychologist from Qualicum Beach says. He uses the example of parents who are determined to make sure their children have the ‘perfect’ Christmas by planning all kinds of events and going deep in debt for presents. “It’s hard on you and the people you lay this stuff on.”
Dr. Neill hears from people everyday who are not happy, so we asked him to help us compile some ideas on how to make a stress-free Christmas.
1) Get rid of the ‘should-“I should have those people over” or ‘You should be happy, it’s Christmas”. None of the things we do at Christmas are a requirement. They are choices so cut yourself some slack and lose the word, ‘should’.
2) Recognize and accept the fact that you have feelings. There are bad, sad and mad feelings but they are your feelings and you are allowed to have them. People who are not aware of their feelings are neglecting themselves. They try to act happy and push down what they perceive as negative. Over time, the submerged feelings can fester and cause more serious problems such as over-reactions or illness.
3) Don’t try to be politically correct-Say Merry Christmas to someone and mean it. “Do we get offended when a Jewish person says, ‘Happy Hanukkah’?” Dr. Neill asks. “No, I am delighted they have included me in their traditions.” He adds that as long as we’re not hurting anyone, we can keep our own traditions and continue to show a mutual respect for others.
4) Enjoy receiving-Do you remember the joy that you have felt when someone you gave a gift to was really appreciative? If we are doing the giving, but can’t receive with grace, then we are robbing someone else of that joy. “Sometimes we get so hung up on giving that we forget there is no giving without receiving.” Dr. Neill says. “When people respond to a dinner invite with ‘next time we’ll eat at our place’ or to a gift with some excuse that their gift is coming, then what we’re really saying is, “we really don’t want to receive, only to exchange.” Just say thank you!
5) Breathe deeply-Think of the last time you were falling in love and the big ‘sighs’ you took often. These are sighs of appreciation. Mellow out!
6) Stay Present-There’s no drama or stress in the present. Stress comes from looking back at the past or ahead at the future. Meditate, walk or whatever you do to stay in the moment. ‘Present Walks’ are a way that Dr. Neill keeps himself in the present. “I let my eyes go to a tree just ahead and keep them there just long enough to take the tree in. When I get to that tree, I focus on another tree and then another.” He explains that this helps him to see what is around him now so he is not walking in a daze and at the end of the walk, has seen nothing.
7) Take lots of appreciation breaks-Stop and think about or look at something you really appreciate. For about 15 seconds, let your mind go to the ocean, the birds outside or your spouse-anything you appreciate. This pulls you very much into the present.
For anyone experiencing the loss of a loved one, Christmas can be particularly difficult. Dr. Neill spoke about creating rituals that acknowledge the lives of those past. This could be anything from hanging a stocking to making a point of talking about them. On Christmas Eve, our family makes a bon fire on the beach and toasts every one who has gone before us.
On a final note, Christmas is a time of excesses. For anyone who is trying to diet, live with a condition such as diabetes, recover from alcohol abuse or balance a stressful relationship, it can be particularly difficult. The doctor suggests having a back up plan in place. “Do some planning so if things get too difficult for you to handle, you can escape.” Perhaps this means going to parties in separate vehicles so if you have to leave, you can. You may need to have an emergency number handy for your sponsor or a close friend on stand by, so when you are at the point of collapse, you can get out before it’s too late.
The bottom line is, “Give yourself permission to do what is right for you.”
Dr. Neill Neill is hosting a session at the Pharmasave in Parksville on December 10th at 1:30 entitled, ‘Enjoy the Holidays on Your Terms.’
Article originally appeared in the Oceanside Star, December 3, 2009. Reprinted with permission from freelance writer, Carrie Powell-Davidson and the Oceanside Star.
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Article by Dr. Neill Neill
Dr. Neill maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank You so much Dr. Neill !!
You ARE The Best, most practical & Most Easily understood Person of Support/Advice/Life Lessons I’ve met and spoken to of All My Lifelong Years. You speak to people in what used to be called Laymen’s Terms (?). (i say ‘used to be’ because i haven’t heard that term for some time…) You are Straight, To-The-Point AND Practical. None of that wishy-washy, circle-around-an-issue-so-you-can-figure-it-out-yourself kind of Therapy Talk/Game. Some people have not grown up with and/or been taught these kind of ‘tools’, ‘ways of thinking/looking’ at and ‘dealing’ with life’s situations etc., and Need More Mentors and Persons like You, to guide them to a Less Stressful, Unhappy, Chaotic Lifestyle!! A Happy, Less Stressfull, Guilt-free/less Guilt, Satisfying and yes, MELLOW Enjoyable Life **
Thank You Again, Dr. Neill, **YOU ARE APPRECIATED & A VERY SPECIAL HUMAN BEING**
Christmas for me and a few billion other Christians is a birthday celebration. The celebrant is Jesus Christ. No, not the swear word,
but rather, the prayer word. Its a pretty big deal for us beleivers
because we beleive that this child is the Son of God. You can read His story just about anywhere. Its the all time best seller. There are two major parts. The old part is before His birth and the new part is after. If you need help figuring out what these stories are all about, go to church.Its healthy and up lifting and makes you feel good. If your not comfortable at the first one shop around. Everyone’s welcome to this party.By the way, these are the Holidays. That word has everything to do with Holy and very little to do with holly. Moe.
Thank you, Barbara, and, Moe, well said!