Readers repeatedly ask me questions about their relationships with the functioning alcoholics in their lives. Today I will look at the case of the woman who is not yet living with her boyfriend, but wants to. She is concerned, however, about his alcohol consumption. It usually goes something like this:
“I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He says he’s a functioning alcoholic, with the stress on “functioning.” I like the odd drink myself, but I can take it or leave it. We love each other and want to live together. Should I move in with him?” Signed, 29 and single
Well, 29 and single, it’s good that you are acknowledging right up front that there could be a problem. You show a healthy level of self esteem and confidence.
Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can raise some issues for you to think about, starting with the most important one. Ask yourself whether you can accept him exactly as he is without changes. You can’t change him, and you can’t expect him to change, regardless of what he may be promising. This is your primary test question. For the sake of your sanity don’t minimize its importance.
The next question is about him. What does he mean by “functioning?” He is probably a great boyfriend, but is he functioning well in other areas of his life, including his career, his relationships with his family and his social responsibilities like driving only when he hasn’t had a drink? Is he functioning as well as he could in all of these areas, or is he just getting by? And thirdly, can he stay healthy at his level of drinking, or will he die prematurely?
Satisfy yourself as to whether or not he is addicted to alcohol, that is, whether or not he is an alcoholic. Some drinkers overplay the alcoholic card; others underplay it. You could take the Alcoholism Test . The Alcoholism Test is designed for someone who isn’t sure whether someone close to them is an alcoholic, but would like to know.
If all indications are that he has an addiction to alcohol, then recognize that his alcoholism will probably worsen over time. He may or may not become abusive as his alcoholism progresses, but at the very least you will suffer neglect. Another way of saying it is that you will gradually lose the competition with his other mistress, the bottle.
Whether or not he has progressed to alcoholism, he might want to go to a drug and alcohol treatment center for alcohol rehab. Even if he can stop drinking on his own, he will need help with the underlying issues that led to his drinking problem to start with. Otherwise, he remains very vulnerable to relapse. The best time for him to address his lifestyle issues is before you start living together. It’s much harder later.
What happens if he doesn’t clean up his drinking? The hard reality is that whether you know it or not, you are probably choosing between living separately now or living separately later… after a lot of heart ache.
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Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
I am currently living with a "functioning alcoholic". I can tell you that he is okay most of the time until "NOW". We have been together for 9 months and going.
I’ve noticed a few alarming changes in the way he relates to me when drunk. He gets more defensive when asked something. He was not like that at the start of our relationship. He has become mean and distant. This is coming from a man that fell in love with me first. I was holding back on the "L word" until we knew each other better.
Any chance he can get is a reason to celebrate and have a party. He even had a birthday party for his cat! On Thanksgiving he was so drunk he fell down on the floor. It was really a downer because it was my birthday on that day. My Mom was here and it was really embarrasing.
He has black outs all the time, even though he says he can remember. I know he’s not telling the truth. Both of his parents passed away, but his brothers and sisters have welcomed me into the family and love me. They always say, thats the way he’s always been, he’ll be okay. I have constant worry when he gets this intoxicated. I have health problems and need to keep my stress level down. He was fun at first, now its getting old.
We were on vacation seeing my Dad fo 10 days over this Christmas and he did not want to drink due to the fact he was meeting my Dad for the first time. He just turned it off like a switch, he was fine. Then once we got home it was back to normal. He at least has a few beers a night, but more when he’s off for a few days.
I had a lousy New Years eve with him. He was passed out before 6:30 pm that evening. Thank God his family was there to celebrate with me, or I would have been all alone on our first New Years. They told me to let him sleep it off, and he’d wake up later. We tried all night to wake him, then finally about 15 minutes before midnight they woke him. As soon as the ball dropped and he ate something we spent the last few minutes of 2007 together. No ringing in the New Years with me. He had been 4-wheeling all afternoon with his brother and drinking. We had scarce time together that day.
Lately I’ve expressed my concerns to him about his chronic drinking. He says when its his time, its his time. His nose has been turning blue and he doesn’t care. Almost everyone in his family has drinking problems. I don’t believe in that "heredity crap" everyone talks about. My Mom is an "alcoholic" and I’ve never been a drinker. I think it all comes down to "controlling" your mind, body, and spirit.
He was not the man I thought he was. I’m glad we didn’t marry and I can walk away. He has 4 divorces under his belt. I know it probably played a large part of his 4 failed marriages. He blamed it all on the ex-wives, of course. I’m so sorry that I let myself fall into his trap. I really cared for this man, but cannot take it anymore. Its all hit the fan the last few days.
Today I’m looking for an apartment. He knows how I feel. He stays real quiet when I tell him its not working. I’ve payed my own way staying with him, (rent and food). I certainly wasn’t using him. I guess I was the one being played. Well, the game is over. I’d rather be alone than have constant worry about his health. I have cared way too much for him. I should have been alot smarter. I’m a fairly educated woman and 46 years old.
This is to warn everyone out there living with an "alcoholic". Thank you for reading my comments. The next time I have a love relationship I will definately be with somebody who is not a "functioning alcoholic". That is all a piece of crap. It is "being an alcoholic" just nice words that cover up a serious addiction…..
Hi Sherry,
Congratulations on taking care of yourself and not falling into the trap of enabling him like his family has always done.
You will get through this, but not without tears. And you are not waiting 10 years to do it, like so many have done. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the words, "I should have ended it 10 (or 5, or 20) years ago. "
There is always hope in life. But sometimes hope lies on a path that leads you apart.
Neill
I am really thankful to read this correspondence. It has answered some of my questions and given me fair warning and confirmation of my fear in my own situation. Sherry, you are not alone – unfortunately I can identify and I’m sure, co can countless others! Sad, isn’t it? What a waste of some really potentially good people and a waste of our time and energy!!!
Greetings from another Sherrie. I could have wrote your post almost word for word. Especially the part about “glad I didn’t marry him”. Can you imagine???
I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend a couple of weeks ago and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m struggling. But I know in my heart that I did the right thing for ME and MY sanity.
Best wishes to you!
I am seriously contemplating ending my 7 year marriage to my alcoholic husband. He knows our marriage is on the “rocks” and wants to make it work. But, he insists all the problems are due to my not being close to him. How can a wife stay close to her husband when he literally is married to a can of beer more than me. His only life is beer and cigarettes and surprisingly, he does keep his good paying job which is really hard to understand. He is arrogant, cocky and verbally abusive when he drinks and I have put up with it way too long. I’m afraid to be alone, but being together is not the answer when drinking is the only thing that will make him happy!
I wasted 13 years of my life trying to win back the first six months of my relationship with my alcoholic. Obviously I was addicted to something to waste prime years on a warm body that hugged and loved the bottle much more than me. I was very vunerable when I met him and he “charmed the waters” as he likes to say, and “captured me.” I now know that women who stay with alcoholics aren’t staying because they are being loved so well. They are staying because they haven’t gotten back the self esteem that he torn down. Guess what? You will always be depressed, anxious, secretive, jumpy, close to tears and in so many ways unhappy as long as you are with a man and his bottle or can.
Thank you Sherry for the post. It makes an impossibly hard decision seem like it may be a little easier. I am so deeply in love with my “functioning alcoholic” boyfriend that I have excused his excessive drinking so far but I am about to move into his home & start our lives together. I am having serious grapplings with going through with it & hoping for the best, or walking away completely. He doesn’t seem to care that his drinking may ruin us, & he definitely doesn’t care that it hurts me. The stuff you talked about, the blackout thing, the falling down, the behavior changes, the drunk at social events, etc. It’s all very frequent for my guy. He drinks 90-some proof liquor in large amounts. It sucks because I like to drink beer & wine a few times a week myself but not to get drunk. But because of that I feel as though I can’t really come down on him that hard.
My guy suffers from real bad social anxiety & admits to it. He cannot function socially at all unless he has a few shots first, then it’s all downhill from there. More times than not, he ends up drinking way too much & becoming unable to even form a sentence. Most of my friends ask me if he’s ever sober because they haven’t witnessed him any other way. I have had so many nightmares about him being hurt and even committing suicide on accident when wasted, it is really stressful and makes me worry about our future. We are both 33 and would like to have a normal family life in the near future with children but there is no way for that to happen unless he stops being a drunk. Is there any way for him to change BESIDES rehab?? I know he would never take it to that extreme because he doesn’t see his drinking as a real problem (which to me seems incomprehensible). He has told me before that he doesn’t get addicted to stuff, which I understand because I am the same way. And he seems to get through most of the work week without drinking heavily. But this makes me wonder, does he drink like this because he has to, or because he wants to. Does he just enjoy being in a blacked out from reality state, or is his body craving the alcohol. Neither are anything good.
I am supposed to move in this week (our 1 year anniversary) but I don’t know if I can put myself through this another day, let alone the rest of my life. My friends & family all think I am completely happy & we are a great couple. I am & we are. Until Sailor Jerry enters the picture.
Hello Sea,
Do pay attention to Sherry’s post. I’ll add one thing. I can almost guarantee that if you do move in, it won’t be for the “rest of my life.”
Choose wisely.