Dr. Neill Neill
At this time of year in many communities there are volunteer programs to get people home safely if they’ve been drinking and shouldn’t drive. Their existence is a reminder that Christmas parties, family gatherings, New Year’s Eve parties and other celebrations push up the alcohol consumption during the holiday season.
A few of all the people celebrating will already be full-blown alcoholics: they may drink a bit more than their normal level, but generally will blend in with everyone else. After all, they hold jobs, serve on volunteer committees, have families and have friends. These are the so-called "functioning alcoholics."
So what’s wrong with being an alcoholic if you can function normally?
Part One is the first of three discussions of the issue.
The functioning alcoholic is the alcoholic who can hold down a job, pursue a career or care for children while continuing his or her alcoholism. Some can do these things successfully, but how well do they handle the other functions in living? How do they function in the role of spouse, parent, driver, financial manager and community volunteer? His job or profession isn’t his only function in life.
Two famous entertainers come to mind, a very popular late-night TV host and a famous singer-entertainer: both were alcoholics, but both were also known to be wife beaters. We are all aware of other public examples: the successful politician charged with impaired driving, the wealthy businessman who abandons his family, claiming poverty.
Multiply the public examples of alcohol abuse and dysfunction by a thousand, and you get a picture of the neglect, abuse, lies and cover-up that are probably out there among the population of so-called functioning alcoholics: the alcoholic farmer who sexually abuses his young daughters, the alcoholic teacher who amasses a large collection of child porn, the mother whose children die in a house fire because she had passed out while drinking.
Consider the successful professional who pours himself a drink as soon as he gets home. Since he won’t drink and drive, he never attends his children’s games or takes them camping. Is he "functioning?"
What it comes down to is this: to function is to function in life, not just in one part of life. Ask yourself if you know any alcoholics who not only do their jobs, but are also truly functional in life. I can’t think of any, but there may be a few. However, can they measure up to the second criterion of human function, to be discussed in Part Two?
What is your experience with functioning alcoholics? Leave your comments below.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Addiction and Codependency Simplified."
Article by
maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 110 comments… read them below or add one }
← Previous Comments
My husband of 31 years is a “functioning”, non-violent alcoholic, meaning he pretends to work fulltime, but actually works for 4 hours, then goes and sits in a park and drinks 8 large cans of beer, sometimes more, watches videos on a small dvd player, snoozes and snacks until it’s time to arrive home from ‘work’ right on time. He may go straight to read in bed, or on rare occasions manages to do a small household task, a little yardwork, supper and is asleep by 8:30pm. He never drinks publicly. I never have reason to go to his place of work or phone him there, so he believes I am unaware this is daily. He has completely isolated himself from workmates, friends and family such that an intervention would only include me and our two adult sons. Would such a small intervention have any hope of an impact? I’ve been told by about five counsellors not to confront him, that I can’t change him. Should I be in contact with his employer and finding out if he’s actually arranges to work part time? Should I be phoning police to intercept his daily drive home from the park? Is doing nothing ‘enabling’? I’m losing sight of reasonability.
Sharon,
One of the famous Parkinson’s Laws is "Delay is the deadliest form of denial." The counselors are partly right; you can’t change him. Only he can do that.
But by telling you not to confront him, they are in essence telling you to put your life on hold and wait for him to die. He does have a death wish, but the problem is, he could die tomorrow in a car crash or he could live another 30 years, the last ten of which, you could be taking care of an invalid. Or you could die first.
If you don’t have a personal death wish, then by all means confront. Arrange the family intervention. If he’s driving under the influence, do what you have to do to get him off the road before he kills somebody’s child…or mother. (I’m sensitive to that because a drinking driver killed my mother.) Do your research re his job so you have the facts for the intervention.
Think long and hard about what you want for your life. I know it’s not the present. Bringing things out in the open is the only way you could possibly have the life you want with him. So get selfish. It might just kick-start him on a path back to life.
Sharon, this won’t be easy. And yes, "The ultimate enabler is the one who does nothing."
Best wishes for your journey.
One should be aware that this rather sanctimonious method of classifying people does not exist outside of the United States of America. It is an insidious catchall used to pigeon-hole people who may validly choose to self-medicate with alcohol as opposed to religion, prozac, psycho-babble or yoga. All I can say is that it deflects attention from the causes of drinking too much and true alcoholism, which is a shame as those people really do need help. The hysteria over drinking alcohol in this country is misplaced, misinterpreted piety and quite frankly people who function in every aspect of their lives whilst keeping up a reasonable level of alcohol intake should not be made to carry a burden of guilt. Alcohol is a viable way to deal with the fact that life just isn’t quite as perfect as we thought it would be when we were children. Please grow up and stop being quite so self-indulgent and judgmental. My heart goes out to all the true victims of alcohol abuse, and there are many.
I am about to leave my partner and father of our two sons. We’ve lived in France for 4 years in poverty. He neglects everything at home, smothers the boys with cuddles and affection, sweets and indulgence and cold shoulders me. He is pleasant every night once his eyes start to shine after 2 glasses of wine. He drinks about a bottle of red or two a night. After the third or fourth anything can come out of his mouth, usually it’s centered around his work but if I complain about the neglect it’s verbally abusive toward me. He drinks every night and is very unreliable. The boys adore him but never know when he’s coming or going, there’s no structure or routine when he’s around; he dismisses most things I say, lives in a state of fear and insomnia surrounding his work, and in a state of dreaming about his riches and wealth to come; to be as successful as his brother is his main objective, although he pretends to himself and others he is doing it for the family.
I know he cannot remember half what he says to me, he is utterly self righteous about not doing things in the home (insulating an outside door – we live in the alps, buying firewood, emptying our porta potty – we had no toilet for over a year and I would have to do it, he refused, even when I had gastro in 5 feet of snow), fixing a broken window on our front door…Dear God finally after years of worrying about the harm it would do to the children by removing them from this situation, I am finally realising the grim reality is that if I don’t leave with them now, they will be permanently affected by his lack of respect, and continued neglect towards me.
This man came from wealthy parents and was farmed off to boarding school at the age of 6. Apparently his unpleasant mother who is an alcoholic herself and very similar to her son, was abusive when they were little. This man tells me he loves me but it is all lies. He tells me it is all my fault, that everyone thinks so, that I am the problem; not him. His family back him. After all he works right? Functional alcoholic, unfunctioning human being, it’s a crying shame that he sucks people in and makes them feel sorry for him, while telling his partner that he will fucking kill her in front of the children.
Can you believe I nearly went back to him. I kicked him out 5 months ago, but lack of funds and the approaching winter made me question myself. Back with him for two weeks and over the weekend I have a terrible rising panic, then a stinking migraine with vomiting. The last time I had one of those was early in the year when he said I was ‘fucking him over’ by making him miss work for a day. I leave with the boys on the 30th November, just two more weeks, back to England to stay with my mother. I wish I could go before but legal reasons prevent me. The boys will miss him terribly but I cannot literally stomach going back to him. Excuse the language
Late last night, my boyfriend of nearly three years kicked me out of the apartment. He’s in his early 40s. Though he swore he wouldn’t drink the month of January (new year’s resolution), a stressful job and a girlfriend who’s in between jobs (me) have resulted in a classic Jeckyll and Hyde. He’s kind, loving, generous good man, says he appreciates me, however he can fly off the handle over the littlest things nowadays. Case in point: last night, after spending an hour in the jacuzzi and apparently drinking his Casadores, he walked into the bedroom where I was asleep. He asked me to turn around (he wanted to surprise me with a massage). He asked me three times to turn around, and I sleepily told him no. He threw a fit, tore off the comforter from the bed, started yelling, when I held up my hand and said stop, he grabbed both my hands and told me never to hit him. He manhandled me, and he says he’s going to file a restraining order. Huh?
Neither of us has ever been married, but he’s lived with girlfriends.
I waited until my late 30s to live with anyone. When I met him, I was drawn to his big heart, his ability to “get me,” his can-do attitude.
I’ve always felt safe with him. Until the past year. He has a stressful job, drinks tequila to cope. I wish I had a fast-track Al-Anon program. More than anything, I’m sad. We love(d) each other, but the pain and ugliness have overshadowed the kindness we had for one another. Any thoughts?
I find reading these very interesting.
I am the one in my family who would (I think) be considered a functioning alcoholic. My husband has been sober for over 15 years (before I even met him) and I know he fears for me and the amount I drink.
My drink of choice is beer – cheap beer. I don’t like any other kinds of alcohol except wine/champagne periodically. If I am honest about my consumption, I would say that I drink 3-5 nights out of the week, anywhere from 3-6 beers at a time. An 18-pack is good for me for the week. I drink at home, most of the time after my children have gone to bed (ages 2 and 7) … I’ve called this my ‘time to unwind’ and veg out on the computer while drinking. It’s been an escape for me in that I am a military wife and don’t have many friends on base … so this is my social outlet (beer and Facebook).
Yet, I am functioning. I get up and take my son and the neighbor’s kids to school; I make dinners and have them ready for when hubby gets home … but my quality of life is not where it should be. And that makes me extremely sad. I don’t take part in extra-curricular things for my kids and spend much of my days just tired and struggling with depression.
I think that I’ve not really considered it a problem because I managed to get things done – granted, I didn’t do them ‘great’, but they still got done. I also have reassured myself that because I really only drink beer, that I don’t have a problem … doesn’t an alcoholic have zero-control over what they drink? If the beer is gone, then I am done (even if there is something else available). In my mind, I saw this as a key to getting out of being called an alcoholic.
I’ve been re-thinking my drinking this past week or so. I rarely go out, but happened to with a friend last Thursday … I drank a few beers and then let a guy (a super famous actor) buy me a few drinks. I had NO interest in him at all (I genuinely love my husband and kids), so I think he decided to spike my beer with a drug because of that. He wanted what he couldn’t have. Thank God, I had a friend with me who noticed an abrupt change in me and decided to not let me out of her sight … so NOTHING happened in the way of an assault. However, I am now dealing with the aftermath of this. My freedom was violated and I feel extremely vulnerable. My husband is understandably upset with me for even accepting a drink from another guy (totally out of character for me) … and he also doubts that I was drugged. He thinks I just got really drunk and made poor decisions. I know that there was something put in my drink though – I’ve been wasted before and this was nothing like that.
So, where do I go from here? I have NO desire to make myself vulnerable through alcohol again, but is that only for the time being? Will I come up with some excuse to have a few beers in a couple months and then start the cycle again? I’m afraid to admit that I may have a problem … I don’t like that I lost control the other night.
I’m probably one of the tougher ones to get to admit to alcoholism … the functioning alcoholic.
I have a different situation. I go to friends of my husband and always think I will be able to connect. They drink heavily usually, but this time they kept to lighter drinking. I always drink more than I can handle which is not much when I go there I guess trying to fit in, but this time I noticed very abusive behavior towards me. I have a huge hearing loss in my right ear and they know that and act malicious and insulting to me when I miss stuff. Do functioning alcoholics engage in abusive behaviors or are these people just extremely disfunctional? My husband says they are not being malicious towards me. He drinks with them regularly and they are his best friends!
My husband of over 26 years left me last nite, claiming I had thrown him out of the house when actually, he incited me to ask him to leave after suggesting I shove a flashlight (I’d offered to help hold for him) up my you-know-what.
This has followed a series of events occurring since last October when I discovered he’d lied to me about a certain woman with whom his boss had accused him of having an affair (naturally he denied this but my trust was destroyed in my long marriage).
Douglas is my life partner and the father of our two gorgeous daughters headed to graduate soon from college. He has always had this problem but lately has become very abusive and my own mental state is not strong enough to withstand his attacks. For instance, he once asked “If I speak English?” and when I objected to that humiliating question, corrected it to, “Oh, I’m sorry, what I meant was, do you understand English?” (we are both Caucasians, I am 57 years old)
He’s incapable of saying anything to me without concluding it with, “What part of that don’t you get?”
After telling him he could not return home this evening (after he called to ask “What’s up?” instead of even attempting an apology for his bizarre and demeaning behavior of last nite) I called him back to ask whether he’d like to return home to get his things and I could be gone during that visit? — and in the background, I could hear the grandchildren of the “other woman” so he must have gone over to her place not 10 minutes after talking to me.
I am trying to remember myself and not freak out but after 26 years do not quite know how to begin again.
Doug drinks all the time, ALL the time, and it never bothered me before, for some reason. I can’t say why, must have been in denial, and so grateful that somebody was willing to marry little old unloveable me.
I would consider myself to be a functioning alcoholic. I am 22 yrs old. I
have approx. 7-12 drinks a night every night. However, I wake up every
morning at 7 am and go to school until 1pm. And then on the weekends I go to
work..every Saturday and every Sunday. I make more than enough money to
support myself and my habit. My boyfriend is the only one who even knows I’m
an alcohlic. I know this is unhealthy and I don’t plan to drink like this
forever, but I consider myself to be young and just having fun. Besides I
would rather be a functioning alcoholic than one who cant function.
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 21 years. The drinking has bothered me since the first of our 4 children was born almost 17 years ago. I was bullied and belittled into acting as if it was not a big deal, that it was my problem, not his, that I was over-reacting and trying to control him. He skipped family vacations, recitals, performances, sports games and banquets, claiming to be too busy or too tired or simply not in the mood. He stopped all physical intimacy 5 years ago saying he simply was no longer interested (but always happily flirty and touchy with intoxicated women at parties). He insists he is fine to drive after drinking because he “knows” how to do it. Enough! I told him last month to go into treatment or leave. He left. Each day is better than the one before and I am looking forward to a peaceful, healthy life ahead – thank God.
← Previous Comments