Dr. Neill Neill
Part Three of the Functioning Alcoholic
There is a third critical factor to bear in mind when questioning the functioning of a so-called "functioning alcoholic." The first factor to consider was whether the alcoholic is functioning generally in life, or just in one aspect of life, like his job. The second factor was whether the alcoholic in achieving his potential and pursuing his dreams, not just getting by.
The third factor has to with how long the "functioning," at whatever level, can last in the presence of alcoholism.
Excessive alcohol consumption was affecting my health. If I hadn’t changed to a healthier lifestyle when I did, I would have been dead years ago. And what I have brought to others over the past thirty years would simply never have existed.
I had a good friend who was a brilliant youth psychiatrist. He would go back to an apparently productive afternoon after a five, double-martini lunch. But he left his wife and two children and potentially thousands more young clients by dying far too young. Liver cancer ended his functioning.
I lost two alcoholic colleagues to suicide. They left young families. This fall two friends died of health repercussions of alcoholism. They were significantly younger than me. With all of these untimely deaths most people were too polite or too embarrassed to even mention the alcohol factor in their deaths.
Conclusions
The notion of the functioning alcoholic is a myth. The phrase "functioning alcoholic" is an oxymoron.
To function is to function in life, not just in a part of life. Functioning means fulfilling your potential and pursuing your dreams as best you can within the actual limits of circumstances. And functioning is a long-term matter, not just a temporary condition.
Since none of these descriptions of functioning is consistent with being an alcoholic, I must conclude I have never met a functioning alcoholic. Have you?
Tell us what you think below.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Addiction and Codependency Simplified."
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maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
As I stated in a post in part 2, I think it depends on your definition of functioning. My husband is absolutely a functioning alcoholic. He is able to function successfully in many areas of his life. I really do not think anyone is successfully functioning in all areas of life, with or withour alcohol. I understand what you are saying. I just do not agree with your definition of functioning and therefore do not think functioning alcoholic is an oxymoron. However, I do believe a functioning alcoholic will not always be functioning. That is why it is so hard for him to admit he has a problem and quit drinking-he was fine in the beginning and cannot see the slow progression downward.
I am a functioning alcoholic. And I do see the downward progression of my life. I am seeking help which is how I came to this blog. And I also agree with Leigh completely.
–Curtis
Curtis,
I’m glad you’re seeking help, and I agree that Leigh makes a good point. My point is that “functioning” is more than just being able to work. I was able to do that. But I’d have been dead if I had continued on the path I was on. My very best wishes to you.
Neill
Exactly how many people do you know who are meeting potential and pursuing their dreams. 1 in 5? 1 in 10? 50?
Hello James,
I don’t know what the stats are or would be, but I have known many who were attempting to be the best the could and pursue their dreams. Some of these like myself have overcome an addiction. But a few more things need to be said.
1. None of us who have been alcoholics or other addicts can know what our potential might have been had we not damaged our brains through our addictions.
2. I’ve never met an actively-using addict who was even trying to pursue his dreams or reach his potential.
3. If you have abandoned your dreams and are content to under use your potential, you will have lots of company. But for me that would be an unhappy way to live. Fulfillment beats drifting every time.
Best wishes,
Neill
I am definatly not a fuctioning alcholic! All i do is drink, then work and put up with the hangover! my brain does not want any hassle, i just want to get through the day and drink again! I hate it, i have twice nearly killed myself!
I believe there can be “functioning alcoholics” I have hard time believing my husband is an alcoholic, to me an alcoholic is someone who drinks from the time they get up to the time the go back to bed.
My H drinks anywhere from 6-15 a night, he walked out on me and our kids at the begining of the year for another woman because as put it “he can talk to her” I would have to call home every day to make sure he was up to get the kids to school, several times they were late. The blinds in the house were always closed, he always came to bed drunk, sometimes would pass out on the living room floor or in a chair with a can of beer spilling onto the carpet.
He works in a bar, and it is NOT uncommon for him to be so drunk within 1/2 hour of his shift ending that he can not stand up without help.
I am not the first wife he has left for someone else either.
He turned down a Monday to Friday job at double his current pay becuase it meant he would have to get up early.
I believe my husband is a “functioning alcoholic”. He has drank (between 6-12) beers every single day consistently for the past 10+ years. However, he maintains a steady, professional career with a great income, never over-spends our money, is a wonderful father to our two small children, is involved in our church on the building committee, and takes care of the outside of our home along with many renovations. This man cannot NOT drink every single day though. As soon as he gets home he opens a beer and drinks steadily until he falls asleep. He almost never gets sick (which I can’t understand for the life of me!). I recently started attending Al-Anon and my biggest concern is because it does not seem to affect any apsect of his life (other than the consistent distance it builds in our marriage) how long can he continue like this … and what example is it setting for our children …
Hi Fran,
Alcohol does take it’s toll, nonetheless. You said it yourself: he drinks until he falls asleep. What you need to pay attention to is how YOU are feeling as he sinks into unconsciousness. Lonely? Neglected? Unconnected? Angry? These are really big long-term issues for any marriage. So is the modeling your children see.
And it’s only a matter of time on the health. The problem is, we never know how long. I’m planning to write a article on alcohol and health. If you are on my list, you’ll get an email when it’s up on my website.
Your husband sounds like a really good man, so getting him to confront his addiction is really worth doing. Approach it on the grounds of what it’s doing to you and to the children. He sounds like he cares and wouldn’t deliberately hurt any of you.
There may be something else haunting him, some old trauma he doesn’t want to face, something he medicates with beer. Appropriate professional help for the underlying problem(s) might be needed.
Thank you for writing. I wish I could offer more.
Neill
Many interesting comments. Like Curtis I have come looking on the web to see what is out there…I have been involved with drinking and drugs since about 12, am now 40ish. Do not drink everyday or even every week, but when I do I am out till dawn, the wife has had enough. I feel it is a simple choice that is now not so simple for me..thoughts? I am seeing that thought this is “not so bad”, to what degree do you justify and maintain selfishness in a common relationship? I have used this as MINE and I guess it has been like cheating on her, at least that is the way she reacts. would like some comments from other married women who may have men like me..thanks
Dr. Neill,
I am in need of your help and advise. My boyfriend is a ‘funtioning alcoholic’. I’ve read all the comments above. He’s gone to AA before, but not enough. EVERY night, he drinks vodka and wine. Or something even stronger. He never gets sick, gets to work, and people love him. He’s been doing this for about 30 years, non stop. And, he’s complained of his side hurting, but nothing concrete comes out on tests he’s had done. Please write back, as I am honestly really concerned about him. Is vodka harmful to you, every night. Thank you SO much !
Dear Sherry,
Of course he is in trouble. Over time if a man drinks more than a certain amount per week, it does damage to his body in lot of different ways. See the article “How much alcohol is too much…” When I reached my limit years ago, I started to get pains–in my side, in my groin, in my lower abdomen, in my left arm and around my heart. The location of my pain seemed to change all the time.
After a lot of medical tests showed nothing, I ended up at the Mayo Clinic. I found out there that alcohol can cause symptoms to be “projected,” that is, a problem in the liver could be experienced as a pain in the chest or groin, or anywhere else. They suspected my body was having an allergic reaction to alcohol.
So I quit. In a month I felt better than I had in years and I have never looked back. That was over 30 years ago.
I don’t know about your boyfriend, but the only way he’ll be able to find out if his body is rejecting alcohol is to quit completely for a few months and see if the pains go away. If the damage is already done and he does have a physical/medical problem, his doctors will probably tell him to quit completely anyway.
Watching a partner (or son or daughter or parent) slowly self destruct has to one of the most painful experiences in life.
Dr. Neill,
I’ve been married to a good husband, father and provider for 32 years. For over 20 years he has abused alcohol, usually starting at 6:00 P.M. I have to always watch him like a hawk. When he denies that he hasn’t been drinking, I find bottles hidden and then I get upset and he normally says he’s sorry and it won’t happen again. His parents were alcoholics so there is genetic link which scares me. He rarely admits that he has a problem. He has gone to a counselor at my request because I was so angry and hurt. It didn’t help because he wasn’t truthful and then he continues to believe that he doesn’t have a problem. I have told him to go to AA this month. I don’t know where to turn and I’m fighting my own depression over it.
You have totally neglected your wife, and have failed to nurture your marital relationship. you have had an ongoing love affair with the bottle. Imagine if you had run home to your wife every day instead of running to the bottle. Imagine holding your wife the way you hold your drink. Imagine putting your lips to your wife’s lips as much as you put them to a drink. Now, just imagine the time you took from your relationship to get your fix. Now, imagine spending that time on her. Time is our greatest commodity. We can never get it back! I only hope that there has not been any abuse mentally or physically. I don’t believe we can ever get over that. Your marriage has been all about you and what you want, and when you want it, and if you don’t get that, then you throw a hissy fit. Hope this helps you to understand. Please, if you can’t seem to get help for yourself, do it for her. I believe you love her, or you wouldn’t be here.
I tried to explain to my husband that every time he drinks it was like he was saying goodbye to me, he drinks and goes to a different place where I cant relate to him. It just killed me to watch him choose to drink instead of talk, drink till he feel asleep in the chair, not eat his dinner, come to bed drunk with his chair surrounded with bottles and cans. I missed him every night for years till the point where it hurt so much there isnt any choice but to decide to leave.
They deny it is a problem because they are going to work, and call us the whiners for asking them to have a break, cut down, drink lite beer, dont drink at home, drink only a couple of days a week,, it goes on and on and they say what they think you want to hear and nothing changes. I feel sorry for my husband sitting down stairs crying because he knows I am packing up to leave after 14 years of trying to battle the bottle with him. It does no good to talk, because if they dont wish to change their addiction it will not change. Nobody loses weight unless you really want to lose weight.
Drinking gets people hooked so they dont have to think about what is bothering them, thinking that their problems will disappear by the next morning. The drinking actually just makes things worse and compounds all the neglect of the marriage, the children, the home, animals, work and other family. If you are co-dependent you have picked up the manager’s job of all the above duties and will leave eventually when you are burnt out.
I too was living with a alcoholic off and on for 7 years. I knew he drank at first, but the more I nagged the more he got mad at me. I left came back, left again, came back, and nothing changed. He was never physical with me, but near the end he was very verbal to me as I was to him. I loved him and still love him very much, but could not take him drinking everyday. He is laid off in the winter and I would go to work everyday and come home and drunk, but not a drop down drunk. I don’t know how he does it. He starts drinking everyday at 10:00 sharp, when he is not working. On the weekends, he starts at 10:00 a.m. and goes all day long.
I need love and tenderness and he could not give it to me. I felt lost, hurt, and it got very ugly in the end and his family ganged up on me, when I called him a "drunk", they basically with him, threw me out. 3 weeks after I left, he was in bed with another girl and he married her 6 months later and moved into her home. He sold his home.
When we got together I was 3 hours away and had a beautiful home, good paying job in a hospital, and he conned me into selling everything and moving in with him, cause he had his home all furnished. (His wife died 10 years ago of cancer). My heart is still broken, I have gone for some counselling and still to this day, can’t understand how he was already involved with another woman and married her so quickly. It is like a slap in my face and I am embarrassed. I keep thinking that she is getting everything that I have been praying for and hoping for a future with him. He told me he will never quit drinking. (Yes, he drinks everyday, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. He has been drinking since he has been 14, he is now 54 this year. Will he change for her and why do I still sometimes feel hurt as he is driving around with her and enjoying the toys that we shared. (Oh his new wife smokes and drinks too). I never smoked, I get sick from cigarette smoke and I never drank until I met him then starting drinking red wine, but very rarely. I have not had a drink in 2 years, and I probably will never drink again. I hated it anyways, but did it so we could at least have some type of conversation and life together. That did not last.
Hurting and don’t know what to do?
Dear Patty,
Leave the past in the past, and focus on the present as you build your future, a future that hasn’t been possible until now.
I went through an ending one time that was so painful I was suicidal. However, I am very glad it happenned. Many wonderful and exciting things were able to come into my life, including a great marriage. We will celebrate our 29th anniversay this summer.
My husband is an alcoholic. He has a pattern to his drinking. He can not take any emotional stress. He blames me for all the problems and states it is our marriage. He is hurtful to our children and now has rejected our daughter LeeAnn and states that she is a user. He works on the road and has promised to quit and refuses now. He is on Zoloft and Xanax for what he says is stress/panic. He drinks beer alot, but when he is really emotionally upset he drinks wiskey or other hard liquor. He has left me for another woman. I have found out that he has been lieing to me for years. He is spinning out of control. He yells at people and is now taking his anger out all of the time. Sometimes he will admit he has a problem with drinking and that he needs help. Then other times he will blame me and others for his problem. We have been married for 16+ years and I do not understand why this vicious circle is getting worse and he does not want to get help. He can be a great man. He states he does not deserve to be happy. He believes and accuses me of terrible things that have never happened. He says I have hurt him and I am not good for him. I have been begging him to get help for his alcoholism and his mental status. I am starting AL Anon and have asked my children to go also. He only works and always cancels trips we have planned. His life only revolves around running away to the next job and drinking. Now he is trying to convince me he does not have a girl friend, that they are only friends, that he is not sleeping with her, that our marriage always goes back to this, that he loves me, that part of him wants to come home, that he does not want to hurt me anymore, but then he takes this woman out to dinner with our friends. I do not get this at all. Why does he hurt himself and our family?
Amy you are so right. Our relationship in my marriage has only been about my husband. What he wants, when he wants it, how he wants it. I have been afraid to say things so I do not get yelled at. He gets delusional and makes up these things in his mind of what I have said or done even if I did not do anything. He believes it and says I have hurt him. It is like they look for excuses. He has left and come back two other times and now he only wants to leave and run. Why do they not see this is going on. Why do they not want to stay in a loving relationship?
Dr. Neill,
I recently ended a three year relationship due to alcohol. My ex is an MD and even though begging him to go to AA, he would prominse, but it would never happen.
Our entire relationship has been lie upon lie. He would start arguements just so he could create a break up to go out and get drunk. Then contact me saying he loved me, but never taking the blame or wanting to talk about anything. I have had ro carry him into the house, he has passed out in his car at bar parking lots. He has actually made it home only to pass out in the driveway.
Making it to work late or with a hang over is nothing new to him. And the associates in the practice cover for him, due to him taking them to happy hours and paying the tab. I don’t know how he has not gotten a DUI as of yet, but he claims he will pay his way out.
Also, rep dinners with alcohol served. He goes to these dinners, only to stay out with the reps and contune drinking after. This happens two nights a week at a minimum. I know he is going to eventually harm a patient, cause an accident, or hurt himself.
I would say yes, he is a functioning alcoholic. He has aged so much, just this past year, since his drinking has increased more.
How can I help him?? How can you help someone that refuses help?? Please advise.
Thank for your help.
Hello Sarah,
You can’t help anyone directly who refuses help. The best thing you can do is look after yourself, which it sounds like you are doing. Sometimes that jolts an alcoholic partner into taking a look at himself or herself.
The other thing is to educate yourself on alcoholism so you can spot the lies, not buy into the blame, and know what not to do that would make things worse. My book is a good source.
Your husband’s instincts about AA are probably good. A high-profile person such as a doctor runs a big risk in joining groups or going to a treatment center. Groups can’t guarantee privacy, no matter what their policies are.
If he begins to acknowledge he has a problem, send him to http://www.ConquerAlcoholism.com. I have a program designed specifically for high-profile people with an alcohol problem, but who require rehab in absolute privacy and can’t take six weeks off work. (medical doctors, judges, CEOs, and others)
Sarah, I hope this has been of some help. Call me if you need more.
I want to cite this article or book portion in a legal brief for a federal court in Minnesota. How do I properly cite it? Can you provide me with a CV or Resume for Dr. Neill Neill?
I am a functioning alcoholic to put it simply, but the reasons are tearing me apart. I have never considered suicide, but one thing I have learned over the past few years is everyone is self destructive in there own way. It’s just human nature, Im not trying to justify my addiction, just trying to come to terms with myself. I am a little worried because therapy and group counseling has only made matters worse. Have any advice ?
Hi James,
Your answer lies in the words, “come to terms with myself.” What you may need more than therapy is a professional coach with expertise in both psychology and addiction, someone who can walk you through the process of reinventing yourself as the person you want to be. I have found with alcoholic clients that the alcohol orientation fades away during the re-creation process, and the self-destructive attitude turns to a robust urge to live. The process begins with a decision to live. It’s up to you.
Neill