Being married to a functioning alcoholic is a big problem. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with the issue.
For a minority of people social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking could have started in a lot of different ways, but that’s not what’s important. What is important is that the drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not a hoot whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor.
Now your partner has shifted from enjoying a drink to compulsively needing alcohol to feel okay. And you may have shifted from being giving and caring to being addicted to your partner’s care. (Compulsive caretaking often grows alongside the deteriorating self-care of the compulsive drinker.)
If the alcoholic has more or less continued to hold down a job, he is politely called a “functioning alcoholic.” But he is an alcoholic nonetheless. He works much below his potential, he neglects or abuses his family and he may not live very long if he continues the self-abuse.
Like all addicts he lies (bold faced lies, lies of omission, cover-ups, minimization), he makes excuses, he blames others for his drinking, and he continues to seek out and use alcohol regardless of consequences.
If there are children present, they copy the lying, justifying, blaming behavior which they see modeled. They also learn to keep family secrets and to cover for their alcoholic parent. In other words they join in the “dance of alcohol” and participate with their parents, learning how to be alcoholics or how to live with them when they grow up.
If you are an alcoholic and you are in a marriage, you may have to leave your drinking behind completely in order to gain any hope of reversing the progressive damage your alcoholism is inflicting on yourself and your family.
If you are living with an alcoholic, there are steps you can take too. Perhaps more importantly at first, there are things you can learn to avoid so that you don’t further your partner’s alcoholism. Making excuses for him, for example, only makes things worse. You don’t want to be an enabler or a rescuer.
Over the years in my psychology practice many women have started their first session with “My husband is a functioning alcoholic.” In the last few days alone two more women took the Alcoholism Test and left a comment opening with “My husband is a functioning alcoholic.” I seldom see or hear the statement without also sensing an undertone of desperation and frustration, as if to say, I didn’t bargain for this when we got married.
Some time ago I started to write a “survival guide” for women caught in the predicament of a marriage troubled with alcoholism. It is now available as the book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Although it is addressed to women who live with alcoholic husbands, it could be addressed to men with alcoholic wives. Whether you are a man or a woman, your hope begins with educating yourself about the alcohol abuse. Like all personal change, it starts with you.
Article by
maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
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I have read these comments, waiting for maybe someone that is comparable to my situation… maybe even for someone to tell me that when I wake up tomorrow that this 7 year nightmare will be over.
I am sitting here, in my Grandmother’s house for the night because my intoxicated "boyfriend" (of 12 years) decided that verbal agruing wasn’t enough anymore. Evidently my head pounding on the floor eased his anger and fueled mine. Fueled mine that my 9 and 4 year old seen it all. That I had ever thought things would change.
I work in a jail… have for years and seen this same thing. I have all the helpful advice for them, but then I look in the mirror or even at my children’s faces and I am so lost. It has NEVER gotten to this point before… I have never grabbed the kids and left before.
I am torn at my next step. When sober he is a heck of a guy, but slowly that is changing too. I am worried that it is too late. I am thankful for the 2 kids we share, but equally as thankful that my trip down the aisle never has happened. I love him, but not the man he is becoming – I don’t know him anymore.
Dear Holly,
First of all, read Maria’s plea above and my response to it. The danger you are in has already been demonstrated. Read Chapter 24, “When to pull the plug on an alcoholic marriage” for more on safety.
The nightmare will only be over (in time) if you refuse to go back, and instead move ahead and create a life for you and your children.
Best wishes, and remember, safety first.
To all and Dr Neill,
As you can see I am like the only man who is dealing with the abuse. I called and found out from several lawyers that because I stuck it out with her drinking for the last 10yrs.of our 29yr marriage she is entitled to half my retirement and basically half of my monthly income.
Like I stated in my previous letter, I am all for, all of you ladies who are abused both physically and mentally , to be awarded financially and to be taken care of by the alcoholic who once stole your hearts. I am ashamed to hear what some of the men have done to the women of this world. I sickens me and I want them to pay for what they have done. I share the pain because I have suffered greatly too and my heart continues to bleed. I just think there should be some help for guys like me who have given everything to care for an alcoholic, only to be beaten down, and now being told that I have to pay! It just feels wrong and like a knife is sticking in what very small piece of my heart is left.
Believe me I know the world is not fair,but I have always tried to believe that good things come to those who strive to do good and forgive others. Feeling all alone is just a part of the loneliness I feel.
Hi Dave,
You are not alone as a male who suffered abuse at the hands of an alcoholic spouse. Abused men, like abused women, feel too ashamed to go public.
Your job now is to work through the grief and the trauma and create a new life for yourself. Yes it seems unfair to be penalized for going the extra mile for your alcoholic wife.
But don’t lie down–you are in the midst of the first step of getting a life again. “A life” is worth any amount of money. There’s no such thing as being too old to start over.
Keep checking for a sympathetic lawyer you feel you can trust, preferably a woman.
I am writing from the other side of the coin. I am recently married to a man with 1 son, I have 3 children, and began to have a brief but very serious bout with alcohol. The last 2 weeks of my drinking, I do not recall at all. I had full blackouts and said horrible things to those that I love. I have since stopped drinking, got a new job, stopped taking antidepressants and antianxiety meds on my own. I joined AA and go to meetings daily and church every Sunday. I only drank for 2-3 months but paid a trmendous price. My husband left me because he says he doesn’t trust me or have faith in me. I am working so hard to prove this was an isolated incident but i am afraid he left for good. What do I do?
Dear mom of 3,
Hold your head up and know you are following a healthy path for you and your children. Also know that you have a vulnerability and probably can’t drink.
Hiccups like what you went through do happen in life. Perhaps the alcohol saved you from something worse, possibly a mental illness. Nevertheless, it was just a hiccup.
If he left over a hiccup, he could do it again over something else. So perhaps it’s a good thing. You don’t want to be living in a marriage where your partner’s commitment is based on an expectation of perfection, because that would be soul destroying.
Best wishes.
I’ve known my husband for 30+ years. I met him when he was 15, me 14, and he was already drinking then. We dated in high school, broke up, and both went on to marry other people. After my divorce 7 years ago I hooked up with him again, and we married right away. I didn’t understand what alcoholism meant. I didn’t know I would be the one to do the suffering. Three months after we got married he destroyed our computer room in a druken rage. A year later he went to jail because he chased me out of the house frightened, and when I wouldn’t come back he was going to burn it down. I took him back on his promise not to drink anymore. He was drinking again in 2 months, but I stayed. Two years later he poured beer on my head and then gave me a black eye with my Bible. Jail stay number two, but after 6 months apart I took him back again. Since then it has just been the constant day-to-day of living with this – the constant lying, the drinking and driving, losing jobs, the arguing. Last year my dad died, and then four weeks later his mom died. He caused me to lose a good paying job, and the only job I could get was working graveyard shift. He kept saying he didn’t like me being gone at night but I had to work! Six months later his truck was stolen when he picked up a prostitute while I was working. I guess that was MY bottom. All I could think about from then on was all these years wasted and wanting him to leave. After 7 months I have finally been able to get him out of my house. I have told him that we will live apart until he either gets into recovery and demonstrates a totally changed life for at least a year (which I do not see happening in any way) or until I am ready to move on with my life. I am making no promises to a man who keeps none to me. I am going to Al Anon and will continue to go for a long time because I have come to understand that the coping mechanisms I have put into place to deal with him and the way I have lived have made me sick too, and I could repeat this if I don’t do the work to let God heal me. I have a LOT of work to do because even after all he has done to me I still love him, which is sick in and of itself. But I have realized that I can’t save him, only myself.
We’ve both been thrown into the sea of alcholism. I’ve been trying to save myself but by carrying him on my back, and he won’t swim and is pulling me under. I can’t save us both. He can choose to swim but he won’t, so I’m swimming with all I have and at some point I will turn less and less to see if he is following. He wont’ be. He’ll still be out there, treading water at times, drowning at others, yelling for me to help him. It is agonizing watching someone else drown, but there comes a time when you have to realize that they CAN swim and save themselves – they just choose not to grab the numerous life rings around them. A life ring would require that they at least kick themselves to shore, but no, they want to be carried. Trying to save a drowning alcoholic is like trying to swim someone to shore on your back while they are cussing you and punching you in the head the whole time. I’ve reached the point of throwing him off my back, saying “Sink or swim” and swimming away myself. I have a long way to go to the safety of the shore, and once there I might sit awhile and pray for him to swim, watch to see if he will, but at some point I will dry myself off, stand up, and walk away.
Reading all these comments have helped me SO much because I see him and me in almost every post. We are obviously very common. If you are in a relationship with an alcoholic, don’t waste your time. They are NOT going to change while you kill yourself to save them. That is what they want. It is SO hard to stop enabling them, but if you don’t, nothing will change. Believe me. Save yourself….they will either sink or swim. If you try to save them they will only take you both down.
I want to encourage those of you who are trying to garner the courage to leave their alcoholic spouse. It’s such a tough thing to do. We deal with fear and guilt and confusion – and if your spouse is anything like mine, they are masters are manipulation. I am a successful business woman and a strong person, but you would never know that if you were a fly on the wall in the home I shared with my husband. I left in June of 2008, and since then we’ve had numerous reconciliations. He admits his problem and has done some therapy, played around some with AA, read books about alcoholism, changed his diet since some theories think that helps with cravings, has taken a prescription to decrease alcohol cravings. But he always goes back to the bottle. Just last week I told him I am done trying because his promises just never mean anything. If you can get your finances together and get away, clear your head, take care of yourself and your kids, you will begin to see your situation much more clearly. Hopefully after you go through the grieving process and enter into healing you will know you deserve so much more. You CAN do this! Have faith.
Dear Dr. Neil Neil,
Its me again – cat lady. I gave my husband the ultimatum last fall and it all fell apart slowly. Today was outrageous. I was barbecuing some ribs which took a while. My husband said they could have stay on the grill longer after 2.5 hours and I had agreed and didn’t like them. Well, he blew up and was making fun of my voice and whining and said that I b*tched about every single thing – which is not true. He almost made me feel like how dare I have NO opinion on anything. Then he says I only care about having $ to live on when he’s retired and doesn’t care about anyone else’s problems whatsoever. Our son recently went thru 9,000 in drugs in 1 month. It was $$$ his past job owed him. He is getting counseling, has prescriptions for depressions and is sober and drug free 3 weeks tomorrow. Get this: my husband tells my son via text mail (while my son is in the hospital); that he was drinking on the job, ha ha… What kind of father would sabotage their kid’s well being?!?! How stupid! We were going to help him but he needs to stay where he is and get some kind of rehab. They claim he makes too much on unemployment and he has no insurance. He is almost 30 and is staying with some terrific people that are helping him – so he will be ok. I haven’t told my son about this, last year my husband whined to both kids and of course they sided w/their father like I was the bad person because of his illness with alcohol. I need to talk to him when he is sober. I am nervous he will hit me. I failed to mention as I was barbecuing he urinated outside when the bathroom was less then 30 feet away. Kind of sad. So much indebtedness and I do not know and am ignorant of how this will play out. The pets I will take 2 cats and he will take one and the rest to homes. I have to think of me. This time I am NOT going to let him manipulate me and have him make it look like this is “my fault” and he swore he would change. Not yet. Thanks for listening. 5 grueling mos. Still not smoking 8 mos.
My husband and I have been married for 9 years, together for 12. He has been an alcoholic from the beginning it has just progressed over the years. He’s not an everyday drinker, he’s (or was) a binger. He has pushed me away so far that our sex life is non existent and has been for the entire time we have been married. He ruined every vacation we ever went on. I haven’t enjoyed a vacation in 9 years. He has had multiple DWI’s, been arrested for PI’s, passed out in parking lots, cleaned out savings accounts, destroyed the interior of our home more than once, threatened me with all kinds of things and finally he started going to AA about 7 months ago and I have supported him 100%. He went back out after 3 months of sobriety, but went back to AA the very next day. I have been to the open meetings with him, been out to dinner with him and his friends from the group, had his sponsor over to our home and been very supportive. He will be coming up on 4 months real soon and 2 weeks ago he decided AA was not the place for him and I wasn’t happy with that decision, but the decision is his. Just a couple of days after he decided it wasn’t right for him, he changed his mind. He has been to every meeting for the past week, going twice on Sunday. Even though our sex life is still non existent, everything else in our marriage is great. He came home Sunday evening and told me he “felt different” and that AA told him the longer he was sober, the more different he would feel. I did not think anything of this at all, I just thought he was feeling better. Then Monday he called me at work on his way home from work and told me again he was feeling different, this time I realized what he was saying, he was saying that his feelings for me are different and that if I didn’t fix our sex life, we weren’t going to work out and that I have 8 months to fix it. I walked in the house after work and he was standing there all dressed up and said “don’t I look good, I fixed my hair the way you hate it” and walked out the door for his meeting an hour early. So he goes early and comes home like 45 minutes later than normal. He has been having these secret conversations with his sponsor who, by the way is not married and never has been married, so how can he give any marital advice. Just since Sunday, I don’t know who he is. He is being brainwashed by AA, now I’m thinking the drinking is better than AA. I didn’t create this mess and he should be the one to initiate any kind of sexual encounter, he is the one that screwed it up. Al-anon is not an option for me….I will not be brainwashed into thinking I have to fix me.
I have been in a relationship with a man who is non functioning alcoholic, it has been on and off for about 9 years. He has never worked and I have been battling with him to stop the drinking I have tired every thing. At the moment he is taking Disulfiram one table in the morning. But it isn’t working either he pretends to take it or there is other explanation.
We had an arrangement (the last time) that my house is alcohol free zone that if he wants a place to live and a place where he can do his rehab and look for work he cannot drink. BUT he has once again for perhaps a 1,0000 times started to drink huge amounts like 10-20 drinks a night. I have called the police many times and they have come and removed him. Then he would be homeless and hopeless and then he would beg me to help him again. He has lost an eye been hit by 3 buses etc. His mother is very well educated and wealthy she has tired for 20 years. Both of us are full of disappointment. I am the one who suffers, she does not give him money and she will not have him in her house over night. I am a foolish Saint who is admired by all when he looks he is progressing but when he falls back to square one I am just a laughing stock of Sydney. I have and I continue to suffer – financially- emotionally – loosing friends- destroying health my sleep and my social life.
So I need HELP I have spoke to many professionals and I never thought it was good that he become homeless etc but his mother feels now we have no chose. The police are unfortunately are the only ones I can ring for help – to remove him from the house. They are not so keen any more for it has happened too often.
He is not violent but he can become aggressive and very difficult to handle. If I ask him to leave for he has not kept his promise he will always refuse to go. When I have kicked him out with the help of the police ( and once with a male friend) he has just come around and called out in the street or slept on my front door.He knows I don’t want to disturb the neighbours. He has been to jail due to breaking AVO’s and then he has been in real danger.
He pretends to look for work to make me happy I think but how can he work when he has such an addiction. Why do I care ? well when he is sober he is so delightful and caring. So in the end I feel I have the monster and the gentleman all in one. I hope you can help me.
Hello Josephine,
I hope you have downloaded and read my report on codependency, or the the chapter on it in my book. Obviously you care a great deal for this man. But is is unlikely he will change while he’s with you. If you move him out, he may not change either, but then what he does and doesn’t do will be between him and the social agencies that look after people who can’t look after themselves. That may catch his attention and he
maychange. Right now he has settled into the lifestyle you provide him, and he has no incentive to change.
You deserve a life. You don’t deserve this thankless caretaker role. Help is available for you. You may be in some danger during the transition. But above all, you have to learn to look after yourself. Mother Theresa devoted her life to feeding the poor. However, she is reported to have said, “The last thing the world needs is another martyr. I always fill my own bowl first.”
Neill
Hello.
I am torn. My husband of 25 years has a problem with alcohol. He drinks tequila every night – as soon as he walks in the door from work. When he drinks his personality changes. He constantly repeats things and basically talks non-stop about things that just do not make sense. He harps on every little thing and no one does anything right and we are all just big disappointments to him. He gets into a swirling cloud of negativity and ruins weekends, and makes home life miserable for everyone.
I know that when he is like this, I have no respect for him and feel like I am climbing out of my skin just trying not to show it. We have two young adult boys that live with us, and they feel the same way. We have all basically tuned him out, which just makes the situation worse because of the lack of respect.
Sometimes I get so angry I just leave. Sometimes we argue about it – whenever I can’t take anymore. I’ve tried talking, tried reasoning and still, here we are.
Other than this problem, he puts me on a pedestal. He never says a bad thing about me, has never raised a hand to me or our kids. I think he does all these wonderful things to make up for the drinking. I’ve talked to him and told him that I was considering divorce. It’s not really what I want, but I just don’t know how to live with his problem and have no respect in our marriage…..
Just came across this site. Have a few questions of my own . I have been married for 28 years. And of those 28 years I can’t find one day I was happy or my husband was sober. He has cheated on me many many times, has moved out many many times. He is drinking 7 days a week starting as soon as he clocks out from work. He stop’s at the drive-thru, gets a 16oz for the ride home.
I have no feelings for him anymore. I do love him as one would love a brother or a sister , but I am not in love with him PERIOD. I feel nothing, but hate towards him. I can’t stand the thought of him touching me. He has put us in debt because of his drinking, had affairs the list could go on.
The question I ask myself is why? Why stay and put up with his —–? He is retiring in a few months and is moving south. And me not going PERIOD. I keep telling myself he is moving and that’s that, he will someday drink him self to death and I don’t care. That’s sad to say but after 20-something years together what we once had (love and happiness) has been replaced with hate and loneliness. Why aren’t I feeling sad about all this??? Sometimes I think I am going crazy lying for him, covering up, making excuses for him. But not anymore. When he starts his drinking I’m out the door. I come home around 8 at night cause I know he’s passed out by then.
Am I doing the right thing by letting go, living for me, wanting to be whole and happy? Or am I just some nut case who was unlucky enough to fall 28 years ago for a nice good guy who I once truly loved? Can I find happiness again at 49?
Dear Annie,
Of course you can find happiness at 49, and you are not a nut case. You have to make some different choices and then follow though. some of the more recent choices you have made suggest to me that you are tired of being a victim of life and would rather be in charge of your life. Good! Build on that.
Neill
I am married to an alcoholic…we’ve been married for 8 years and all 8 he drank….he recently started AA…since he sobered up he won’t talk to me and everytime I try to talk to him he tells me he doesn’t want to talk to me or be around me…We’ve had a rough marriage but right before he got sober we really started working on us and things were getting better…now all that matters is his family(not me) and our children…I’ve tried to be supportive telling him I am proud of him, leaving him notes and messages…telling him I love him etc…he quit his job and has completly pushed me away and when I try to talk about how I feel , he just say’s “this is about me now, not you…I am working on me”"\…I have been to Alanon and will continue to go…I just don’t know what I am supposed to do anymore…just sit and watch him pull further away…when I bring up my feelings he say’s what it’s been 24 hours and your talking about it again…? Mind you in that 24 hours he didn’t say two words to me….I love him always have though it all…he say’s he’s mad about everything that has happened in our past…I’m not perfect but I have always tried to do my best…we didn’t see eye to eye on parenting things and buying big items (cars, houses etc..) but besides that I didn’t cheat, lie or abuse him verbally, or any other way…I just don’t get it…and don’t know what I am supposed to do to support him but not lose us…
Dear Scared and Confused,
Quitting drinking is a change, and with a big change everything changes. Years ago when I quit drinking, I felt closer to my wife, but she pulled away…and left me two years later. It sounds like your husband may be carrying a lot of resentment about something. When he starts to rebuild/recreate his life, a necessary process if he wants his recovery to be complete and permanent, perhaps he will come around. However, if he thinks quitting drinking is the end of the story, not just the beginning, it may be a long rocky road.
What you need to do is the same as what you needed to do when he was actively abusing alcohol. Look after yourself and make your life your number one priority.
I just found this website tonight after my soon to be ex husband picked up our 3 year old son for visitation tonight. He always told me he was not an alcoholic because alcoholics don’t hold down jobs. So this is the first research I have done and am relieved to see the term “functioning alcoholic.” He comes from a large extended family that drinking is the normal. Thats just what you do. But after 3 years of marriage and a total of 6 years being together I had had enough. We seperated in March. The urinating all over the house in the night, the puking on himself while sleeping, and the financial strain, I just couldn’t take it anymore! I am young and have the rest of my life ahead of me. Not going to spend it misterable with someone who thinks their drinking isn’t a problem, yet its more important than spending time at home. Trying to move on with my life and think about myself for the first time in 6 years, just need to keep telling myself that this is what is good for me and my son and he is young enough that he hopefully won’t remember all the bad stuff! Thanks for the informative website!
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