Dr. Neill Neill
You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him.
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic. He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He watches television with you and the children and is easy to get along with, provided he always has a drink. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home the money.
However, he never goes to the children’s games, because he doesn’t plan ahead. By the time he is asked, he’s already drinking and can’t go. "Next time…"
If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglect. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your marriage.
You are in deeper trouble if your husband tends to become confrontational when drinking. It is a common sign of advancing alcoholism. He might snap at the kids. Perhaps he yells at you. Certainly he blames you a lot. You worry that his emotional and mental abuse might escalate into violence against you and the children.
Sometimes he has corralled you into calling his employer to say he is sick, when you know he just has a hangover. He aggressively demands absolute secrecy. You and the kids are forbidden to talk with your friends about any of the unpleasantness at home.
He may insist on another definition of "functioning" to protect his ego, but in my books, if what I have said fits, the signs point to your husband’s being a minimally functioning alcoholic.
What has happened to you as his alcohol addiction has progressed? You have slid into codependency with your husband. You are enmeshed. Everything that each of you does affects the other. While he has become addicted to alcohol, you have become addicted to his care. Therefore, overcoming codependency is overcoming addiction. Your addictions support each other.
If his behavior has not yet deteriorated to the level of physical violence, you may still have time to recover from your addiction without leaving the relationship. But let "safety first" be your motto.
I’ve written elsewhere about useful steps to take to recover from codependency. The gist of my recommendations is that you independently do as much as you can to reestablish your identity, separate from his. This may mean having your own friends, going to church on your own, getting in shape or getting a job. It will certainly mean never buying or hiding his booze, never making excuses for him, and refusing to keep family secrets.
He will object vehemently, of course. But you have no more obligation to your husband to maintain your addiction than he has to you to maintain his addiction. In fact you will both be much better off individually and as a couple if you both recover from your addictions.
Get help from wherever you can whenever you need it and do not seek his permission in the process. The very act of seeking help independently is part of your recovery.
Click the tab "Alcoholism Test" at the top of this page to go to the test, "Is Your Husband a Functioning Alcoholic?". It will give you more clarity about whether or not your husband is an alcoholic.
Take care.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Addiction and Codependency Simplified."
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maintains an active practice on
Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic — A Woman's Survival Guide.
www.NeillNeill.com
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
My husband drinks everynight 4 to 8 beers. We do not have a marriage, since I do not want anything to do with him. He claims it is because I am a bitter and miserable person and that I have done this to myself and that many of his friends have assured him he is a good, pleasant person and very easy to get along with. We have a 3 year old son together whom he interacts with well and claims I do not spend any time or attention on (even though he leaves our son with me to go do his heavy drinking at least 3 times a week)the rest of the time he trys to monopolize our sons time by keeping him right next to his side. He does this while drinking and I usually go to my room and watch TV cause I do not want to sit with a guy who just keeps drinking all night. Is my husband teaching my son how to be an alcholic. I do not feel my son is in any danger, but I have had to endure verbal abuse from my husband.
Hello Sharon,
You deserve a life, and so does your son. Take action by taking the Alcoholism Test. Then read some of the things other women have said. Read the book, starting with Chapters 1, 2, 3 and 24.
You have to take action. You can’t “drift” into a better life. The models your son is seeing is an alcoholic father, a mother who takes abuse, but doesn’t do anything about it, and a marriage with poorly-handled conflict. I doubt that’s what you want for him.
I made the biggest mistake of my life by marrying a man that I never should have a few years ago. I knew him as a young boy twenty some odd years ago but after reuniting, his family failed to tell me that Dan had become a terrible alcoholic thru the years and that he had been in and out of different rehabs unsuccessfully, as well as been in trouble with the law, including spending time in jail. He also had one of the worst tempers I had ever witnessed or known. This unbelievable temper had also got him in trouble with 2 ex wives, as he was physically violent and controlling with both. He was charged with domestic violence with his second wife.
Dans three children also had very little to do with him due to his unpredictable behavior. I never knew any of this until after I had already married him, there were no signs or warnings but I would soon start having my own terrible experiences right after we were married. Dan would notoriously start an argument as an excuse to leave so he could go drink, usually a day or two later he was sorry and wanted to come home, this became a vicious pattern over and over.
Last Christmas I had had enough, he come home drunk and called the police and made a false report on me, in the midst of the police coming, Dan had sandwiched me in between our front door and screen door and was pushing the heavy door on my entire body that was halfway in and halfway out. By the time the police arrived, they saw the marks on my arm and seen that Dan was intoxicated, Dan was arrested immediately.
His father made a couple of calls to me asking if I would call the prosecutor and tell them that it was an accident, he wanted me to lie to get his son out of trouble! It was at that time that I broke all ties with his parents, I was starting to see that they were part of the problem.
Several months later I decided to separate from Dan, I wanted him to get real help or else it was over. We were separated for 8 months, during this time he had snuck into his 401k and took out $20,000 to buy a corvette, his father had him put the corvette in his dads name so the money couldnt be traced so that the car couldnt be taken from him. That money was supposed to be ours for when we were old, so that we could live on it. Since then, I have heard three different stories about the 401k, to which none of them I believe. He also has a terrible time with telling the truth and being honest.
I have found out that Dan has all the characteristics of an alcoholic- although he doesnt feel he has a problem, nor does he think that hes an alcoholic. During our separation, he was arrested again, drunk driving, this time he ended up going to jail. He was in there for approximately 4 months. He had violated his probation that he was given from the domestic violence charge, because of this, his parents thought that their son was going to jail because of me.
My problem is this, I want out, I cant stand him, he has caused so much pain and turmoil for everyone and still has not changed but I have no job I have tons of applications in everywhere but ith the economy, I am struggling to find something and I need my bills paid. I dont know where to turn or what to do, all I know is that I want out!!
I have been with Dave for 12 years we have four children. He drinks a 12 pack every day more on weekends and holidays. He gets out of work befor I do. I pick up our twin toddler sons from the sitters, and as soon as I walk in the door he goes straight to the basement leaving me to care for our children. The only time he comes up is to use the bathroom and grab something to eat, and right back down he goes. If I raise my voice or yell at our children he will begin running me down as a parent. If I don’t clean up the house he will verbaly abuse me in front of our children. I have to be the one to open the bills and plan when to pay them and I cannot count on a set amount from him because he gives me what he wants rather than what we need. I don’t know how to get out of this and how I could afford 4 children when I do. Can you help me?
I have read all of the stories that are posted here and I can completely relate.
I have been married to an alcoholic man for 20 yrs. since I was just 20 years old! It all started out fun, we’d have parties but he would always get drunk and pass out and everyone thought it was funny. Cookouts I couldn’t rely on him to do the cooking because he was drinking. After family get- togethers at my home he would be passed out and I’d be left to clean and put everything back in order alone. This was true for Christmas Eves. When my son was very little and still believed in Santa I would be up all alone at night putting out the gifts and filling the stockings because my husband would be wasted from Christmas Eve festivities. Every single year – honestly!
As the years progressed, our invitations from friends and neighbors were less and less. One new neighbor that didn’t know us very well did invite us to a cook out 2 summers ago. They aren’t heavy drinkers (nor am I, I feel I should mention), but my husband arrived drunk and ending up pissing his pants before staggering up their driveway to go home! I could go on and on with the stories of humiliation. All I can say is I am living the nightmare.
He lost his job last year due to drinking and during his unemployment had a drunk driving accident. I’m working so much to support my son. My teenaged son and I are very close thank God. I don’t get to spend as much time with him as I used to. I’m in severe financial hardship not just from the loss of my husband’s job but also because of gambling that he was addicted to. Did I mention he was driving away from the track when his drunk driving accident occured?
My close friends all think I’m crazy that I’m still with him, but I don’t have a lot of options right now. I don’t make that much money and my credit is shot. I want my son’s life to be happy again. I have no where to go and so to remain in my house
I deal with his nagging for me to purchase alcohol for him and then when he does get drunk yelling at me for various problems he says are my fault. My life is utter hell right now because of an alcoholic. I could keep writing.
All I can say is if you suspect your partner is an alcoholic they probably are – and get yourself out before you are in too deep. Don’t be a stupid fool like me and think it will get better because you’ll be in for the worst ride of your life.
Interesting article although I am bothered by two things:
1) Dr. Neill writes “What has happened to you as his alcohol addiction has progressed? You have slid into codependency with your husband.” I do not believe that every woman goes down the pathetic hill of codependency. Many probably do but certainly not all.
2) as well, Dr. Neill writes “If his behavior has not yet deteriorated to the level of physical violence, you may still have time to recover from your addiction without leaving the relationship.” — Fortunately this is not the case. Not every alcoholic gets violent, my husband cleans the kitchen. But for those who feel like they’re in danger, get out, Dr. Neill is right, safety first.
My heart goes out to the women here and my advice is get out if you can. Unfortunately, I have physical problems that prevent me from working and am unable to leave now. Sadly, the way my husband drinks, I’ll probably be a widow before a divorcee.
My question to Dr. Neill is this: I tell people about his drinking, I don’t make excuses for him, I don’t lie for him, I tell him he has to take responsibility for his actions and do not bail him out or help him. I’ve tried to talk to him about his drinking and alcoholism but he is in heavy denial. I’ve offered to go to counseling with him or where ever he wants to go to get help, but that suggestion is met with silence. He’s already had cancer once (a cancer that is directly related to heavy drinking and smoking) and as soon as he finished his treatments, he went right back to drinking and smoking. He doesn’t exercise or eat healthily. It’s horrible watching him kill himself. Is there ANYTHING I can do to help him?
Thank you
My husband is very charming to most people. According to him, I’m the only one who has any issue about his drinking. He’s like the emperor with no clothes. Everyone knows he overdoes it, but feels it isn’t “polite” to talk to him about it, or “doesn’t want to get into his business.”
He went to a local play rehearsal at a winery, and got drunk because it (the alcohol) was “there.” Before that his sister was in town and he was “visiting” with her for four days, each evening passed out on the floor or couch of his mother’s and brother’s houses. He always does things that he feels absolves him from being a drunk. During the visits with his sister, he was usually the one cooking or barbequeing. In his mind, he’s the good guy, so he has “earned” his drinks (like they’re a prize or something). Last night he drank with his brother. It’s always something.
Dear Brendalee,
I didn’t mean to imply that all spouses of alcoholics slip into codependency; you certainly haven’t. And probably most alcoholics don’t become physically violent. What we do know is that the best predictor of phyical violence is verbal violence (verbal abuse), and the most dangerous time is the few month starting with the first statement of intention to leave.
There is really not much you can do. If he ever does what it takes to change, he will do it from within himself, not because of you.
I know what it is like to watch a loved one kill themselves by drinking or drugging. In 2008 I lost a 40-year-old son from heart failure due to drug abuse. Then in December my 51-year-old daughter died from liver complications after years of drinking.
The question to ask youself is whether you would be better off (financially, emotionally, spiritually) if you were alone now (with his support, of course), or whether you would be better off if you were alone after watching him slowly commit suicide.
My heart goes out to you Brendalee.
Dear Mildred,
If he is ‘absolving himself,’ he is making his drinking about other people, not himself; not a good indication of insight.
Dr. Neill,
Thank you very much for your kind response. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your son and daughter — I am very sorry for your pain and heartache.
Thank you for clarifying what you wrote about abuse and codependency. I guess I’m lucky in that my husband is not abusive at all, not verbally or mentally. Although, I guess one can say that by choosing to drink instead of living a good life with me is in its own way abusive to both of us.
I will think about what you said, but at this point I do think I’m better staying put. We don’t have any children, if we did, I would not want to stay. So I guess for now I’ll just maintain the hope that he finds it in himself to make some changes for the better before it’s too late.
Thank you again for taking the time to respond to my post.
Take care,
BL
I believe I am married to a functioning alcoholic. My husband has been a good provider and a good father to our two children. He has now retired and has lots of free time on his hands. Some time ago, I told him I would no longer be buying his alcohol. He now spends most of his free time at a relative’s home where he is free to drink as much of whatever he would like. Although it is a short drive home, I do worry about him driving in this state. I would have to say vacations are the worst. We usually take vacations with groups of family and friends, so he has opportunities to get away from me. He especially enjoys cruises, where he is free to drink the afternoon and evening away. He has tried to moderate his drinking in the past, and has been quite successful at times. He has had some health scares concerning his blood pressure, but I’m not sure he realizes that excessive drinking has probably caused him to have high blood pressure in the first place. My personality has definitely changed over the past few years, as I have tried to detach myself from the situation. I used to nag him about it, but now I try to remain quiet. I am at the point now of really resenting him, and have a lot of anger built up inside of me. I am a master of the “silent treatment”. I am worried about what will happen to us when our youngest child leaves home next year to be married, as we have really drifted apart. I have always felt like divorce is out of the question for me. I still love him, however I do not love the person he becomes when he is drinking.
this is where i am right now..deciding if i should end our relationship of 7 years…my husband hasn’t been home for 2 days since I read him the article “That fuctioning alcoholic is your husband”…I didn’t even finished it before he snapped and stormed out…over the years..i’ve tried different ways…we’ve fought over it…every time after a big fight..he decided to quit…but the longest one lasted for 6 days…you see..the problem is that he is a foreigner in this country ( we are in China) and he doesn’t speak the local language…so it’s difficult for him to have friends…because he only chose ppl who drink to be his friends..that means when he stops drinking, he has no friends or other family except for me…I can see that he is really trying…trying to make this relationship work and I believe that he loves me very much…he came to this country for me,you know..and when he is sober, he is such a nice guy…but when alcohol gets into him, he changes into a different person…..so…over the years..i guess i’ve changed too…when we first got married, i told him everything..but then i found out he pretty much doesn’t remember anything i told him because he was drunk,so gradually, i stopped talking to him..sometimes i don’t even want to listen to him talking while he is drunk…you know…it’s hard to take any of his drunk words seriously…since he likes his quiet time with his drinking buddies, he refuses to do any part-time job…so it was at the begining of this year when i decided that i should be financially independant…i took up several jobs and i doubled our income and thought more money would make our life easier…but at the same time, i started to spend a little more as well..thinking why can’t i spoil myself and buy sth i want when he is burning all the money on booz…so the situation now is that …i work all the time and we still don’t have much saving…the last fight we had..he said ‘ he didn’t have a wife to talk to for ages..coz i never listen to him..and he blamed me for not being able to save any money and he even accused me of spending money on another’ man’…….so here i am…chewing over this question…what should i do? should i give up on him and on this relationship? What to do with our 3 year old daughter? she doesn’t look like chinese at all…so the first question she gets from every stranger is ‘where is your father from?”…i can’t imagine what damage our seperation would do to her…But it seems impossible for my husband to quit drinking in this country..without any professional help and support of any friends…PLEASE HELP!
let me rephrase it…sorry..im not a native speaker..:) btw..he did successfully change whisky drinking to beer…and he gets seriously drunk less often..and he doesn’t start to drink until lunch time..though he has to have about 10 cans everyday…
Anna,
You are in a tough situation. As to your daughter, I repeat what i sad to Annie: Another article I wrote might be of some help regarding the question of your daughter. http://www.neillneill.com/154/unhappy-marriage-for-your-children/
You and your husband might both benefit from reading my book. You can order it from Amazon or right here.
Janet,
Been there. Unhappy and resentful, but divorce unthinkable. I had to realize I was not obligated to be unhappy. I didn’t like what I was becoming.
Divorcing, in spite of my beliefs about marriage, was a very important and positive life decision.
There is more to life than silent suffering.
I think I’ve been in denial about my husband’s drinking because he usually just drinks beer. However, he drinks at least 4 – 8 a day after work and if hard alcohol is available he goes for that first and he will drink it straight. On his days off he starts drinking in the morning and has an open beer going for most of the day. He got a DUI just before our daughter’s first Christmas and because that was a miserable experience for our family and he backed off significantly for about a year after that.
Our daughter is now 11 and his drinking is as bad as ever. He has let himself go, he doesn’t shave or shower as often as he should, he doesn’t participate in any sports or activities anymore, he doesn’t sleep well so he is always tired and he has become very unreliable in everyday committments for the family and basically lazy.
He is a kind and gentle person and his drinking just makes him "goofy" but I can’t rely on him as a partner because all of our time together is altered by his "buzz" and "goofy" behavior. It’s so embarrassing socially that I just try not to have him with me when I go places. I don’t drink at all because alcolism runs in my family.
I just don’t know what to do. I love him but I’m not going to be a nag. I don’t know if he is having a negative influence on our daughter because he isn’t violent..just grumpy. I don’t think our marriage will last though if he doesn’t step up.
I don’t know who my husband is anymore. We have been together 4 years and I never see him anymore. Tonight he says to me he just has to go to the bar because he is just feeling ansy and doesn’t know why. He goes 3 times a week a least. Everyday after work but 3 or 4 times a week he goes back.
He comes home around 3 and he wakes me up by screaming at me about just random things. I still have bruises from last week.
I don’t know what to do. He went a whole 36 hours without even seeing our kids.
It just keeps getting worse. I don’t have a job. I don’t have family. I don’t know what to do anymore.
Claire
Thanks Little Lou, I hear you. I have just made my alcoholic (former) partner leave my home. We have known each other 18 months. It was a worldwind romance and he formally moved in with me in June. I knew by then he had a drink problem. I had already felt confused and cried too many tears over ruined plans etc. He assured me that he recogonised he had a problem and was addressing it. He went into addictions counselling, seemed to sort himself out and moved in. I did caution him that I would not live with him if the secret drinking and lying continued and that if it did, he would have to move out. Needless to say, both the drinking and the lying continued. He did go to addictions counselling, but he lied to the counsellor (what was the point in going? I would never have known if he hadn’t! What kind of crazy logic is that of an alcoholic?). Anyway, he left this morning. My house is peaceful. I’m relieved to be free of the drama. Although there is grief for the loss of what I thought we had and the dreams we shared. I know I must stay strong and not allow myself to weaken by thinking that it can be good and the dreams can be fulfilled.
Please try to get some counselling for yourself. Some space for you to explore your needs and find some strength.
Hello; I have been married for 34 years, and my husband is an alcoholic. We both drink, and have drank the entire marriage, but his drinking is out of control. He lost his job a year and a half ago at the age of 59, right before he was supposed to retire. He got most of his esteem from his job as a GM at a TV station. His alcoholism was under control when he was working, mainly because he worked from 5:30a to 6:30p or later. Now he starts drinking beer in the morning, and goes all day. FIrst beer, then vodka, then wine. Right after he was fired, I caught him drinking out of the vodka bottle at 9:30am. I was shocked, and told him, “I hope you know how serious this is”. He said he was going to try and slow down the drinking, and even told his doctor. But it has just spun out of control. He has always had a love of alcohol. It’s more important than anything to him. He’s made a good living, we’ve brought up 2 kids (our daughter is alcoholic, possibly our son as well). We had a great family life (I thought), but the problem was always there. It is to the point now that I can’t stand the sight of him, and we haven’t had sex for a year. We’re supposed to go on vacation next month, and I don’t want to go. He’ll be drunk 24/7. I struggle with what to do, since I do enjoy a glass of wine myself, but with this economy, I”m not sure I can afford to move out. I have no job, and I turn 60 this month. It’s a hell of a situation to be in. I’m trying to maintain my sanity, and I don’t think I’m codependent, because I don’t support/condone any of this. I’ve had to detach a long time ago. He has been verbally abusive in the past, and I did reach that conclusion 20 years ago. With all this time on his hands, he drinks constantly. HE’s also depressed, but won’t do anything about it. He has no hobbies to keep him busy. He’s in a state of inertia, and lays around the house watching TV or reading all day. I used to have the house to myself, and now he’s in my face constantly. I can’t seem to make a decision here, but if I had a job, it would be much easier.
I keep finding myself looking for answers but having a tough time finding them. My husband (39) and I(44) have been married 10 years and have 2 young children (plus 1 tenager from my prev marriage). My husband’s mom died from alcoholism when he was 11 and his life with his dad, brothers, and new step family was tough on him. None the less, he put himself through college and has a good job as an engineer.
Our life is ok, but busy and stressful. When he doesn’t drink, we get along so much better and the household is calmer. Because of his personality, my husband has taken the role of taking care of everything for us, his extended family, and others. He feels the burden of responsibility daily.
Plus my son’s ADHD, my ADHD and ‘Pollyanna’ view on life and people contribute to his frustrations. He is a realist and a pessimist whereas I am an optimist and that drives him crazy. Those are the reasons he gives for drinking. He is a highly functioning alcoholic (but keeps it secretive) and when I confront him about his drinking, he has a bunch of reasons as to why he does it and why he can’t stop. He is very smart, an excellent debater and minored in psycology so, these discussions we have usually don’t turn out favorable.
He thinks when he drinks, it allows him to be honest with his feelings. The truth is, he is usually mean and has little patience for anything that or anyone that has a different view of things or does something that ‘he’ thinks was stupid. Kind of a ‘how could you do that?’…. I find myself becoming numb to his verbal snipes and we can go for days without talking much. He usually apologizes for what he said but never for drinking. I am babbling, my question is, do I tell our children (14, 5, 3)? They don’t relate his change in behavior to drinking, they just think daddy is in a bad mood. Don’t get me wrong, he is not outwardly mean or rude, doesn’t slur words and is fully functioning around the house. But, regardless, I can tell by his eyes and demeanor when he drinks. Any ideas?
I am so glad someone finally mentioned the fact that their husband isn’t shaving or showering as much as they should. I am married to an alcoholic who is highly functioning (he is an attorney) but also deeply rooted in denial. And the highly functioning part becomes less so over the years. He has completely let himself go (he is 51). He goes days without showering (unless he has a client or court date). He drinks at least a 12 pack a day and consumes alcohol while he drives (the empty beer cans are left in the console of his car). He is completely impotent so there is no intimacy (and at 41, I gotta say, I didn’t intend to give up on sex this early). He does not exercise at all. He just works and stands at his work bench in the garage and drinks and smokes cigars. He passes out around 7 o’clock every night only to wander down stairs sometime after midnight, drink some more, and pass out again during the night. I am in the process of legally separating from him because of his drinking and driving but I can’t leave thanks to having no job at this time. I am financially trapped. There is no codependency and no being enmeshed. I am clear with him that his lifestyle is unacceptable to me. I have my own life, my own friends, I am graduating from law school in 3 months and as soon as I am able, I will be gone. What a waste of a life. I know the instant I walk in (either the slurred word or the glassy bloodshot eyes…) and he thinks I don’t know…
My husband is a alcoholic, we have been married 5yrs together 12, so yeah, I know, I should never have married him.
We have 3 daughters, aged 11, 10 and 3. Over the past 4 yrs he has had so much help to stop drinking, but it lasts a matter of weeks, then he’s back to a pack of beer a night and sometimes a bottle of vodka.
He hates me havin a life. I get moaned at if I say I want a night out with my friends which I don’t see much of anymore.
He had over the past couple of yrs started messing with my head, so it always feels like I am the 1 in the wrong–its all my fault.
I have tried finishing it with him so many times, but he won’t leave and he knows I have no where to go, so I now am at a point where I know now, yes, he’s won.
Dear Anniex,
You would settle for an unhappy marriage to a man would would like nothing better than to be out of the marriage, but is too much of a coward to leave?? Alcoholics have to blame others, so how could he blame you for ending the marriage if he left?
There is always a way, but not always a comfortable way. If you can’t do it for you, do it for your children. Think about what you are modeling. Would you want your children to stay in a bad marriage no matter what?
My husband is an infantryman in the US Army, and over the past 5 years has been deployed 4 times. He has started to drink more each day, going through about a fifth of vodka eaach week. He drinks when I am not home or before I get home from work to “unwind’. He does not show any interest in me and does not seem to care how my day was, etc if he is drinking. He does go to a bar maybe once per week or once everyother week, always with one of his Army buddies. He rarely gets “drunk” but always drinks to have a buzz. I do not purchase his liquor, have confronted him about his drinking and he says he drinks to releive his stress. He says that his heart beats really fast/ flutters and drinking makes him calm down. When he is drinking, he is distant and absent even when in the same room as me. Any advise for my situation would be VERY apprecieated
Dear Steph,
Drinking does help him relax, but it is taking a toll on the family (you) and eventually he may become addicted. It sounds very much like he is suffering from post traumatic stress disorder PTSD. (I’ve been there and it’s awful.) He should get himself assessed and treated if necessary.
The military is introducing new programs almost weekly to help soldiers and vets who have been traumatized by combat. If he gets the help he needs, the alcohol crutch may disappear before he becomes addicted and he can return to living a more normal life.
I am a 30 yr old who married my high school sweetheart. I love him dearly and we have two girls, 9 and 7. we would drink at parties in school and i never thought anything of it. But now, 5yrs into the marriage, 16 yrs together it is becomming a major problem. For the first 8 yrs of my oldest daughter, i didn’t have a car, friends, or any way to go anywhere. Reciently he bought me a car and now i travel. But when i do he wants to know where, when who i saw, and so on. He comes home from work and heads straight to the basement where he pickles his brain (so he likes to call it) until i get the kids to bed, then he goes to bed or wants sex, which i don’t always since he’s drunk, but that seems to be the only way i can get it now. And now he can get it up but it takes forever to finish, i think this may have something to do with his drinking or smoking pot. He rarely helps with the kids, going out or school functions, hardly even tucks them in at night anymore, i feel like an only parent at times. I talk to him and he doesn’t hear me or forgets what i said and this only causes fights later when he says i didn’t tell him.
He doesn’t want me too work, says he has dreams i meet someone and go off with them, i have never cheated and tell him all the time i never would, but he gets very jealous when i go out, even if im with him. I get hit on and he doesn’t say anything to the guy doing the hitting on me, just waits and tells me later how he can’t trust anyone. As far as male friends go, no no no. It would only cause more tension. He says he can see me cheating and no matter what i say i don’t ease his concerns, i feel like he’s trying to push me away at times. I’v also wondered if he’s cheating on me but between his work and drinking in the basement, i don’t think he could find the time.
I am growing and finding myself, i love to hang with friends and wish he would too but he’s usually too busy drinking. He says my new friend is a bad influence on me because she is open minded and will tell him what she thinks but that hurts me, my only frind. He has stopped trying to look good for me other then when he wants sex, like brushing his teeth and showering.
He feels our marriage is great regardless of the number of times i’v told him i’d like him to spend more time as a father and to try not being so paranoid, but i on the other hand feel a marriage should hold more then this. And i forgot to mention he has bad anxiety and takes paxel for it, along with his addictions. My father was an alcoholic and my mother missused perscription pills, and his parents didn’t drink at all.
I am very concerned where our marriage is heading even if he doesn’t seem to see notice its going down hill. And every word i say to him falls on deaf ears.
I have been with my husband for 24 years and have 3 grown up children. Over the years my husband’s drinking has got gradually worse to the point now that I am positive that he is drink driving and he hides the amount he is drinking from me, but i know he has had a lot more than he admits to. He has lost 3 of his very close friends to alcohol related deaths and i thought that this would shock him, but he just doesn’t seem to care and just brushes it off when i mention it.
I have tried threatening to leave and giving him ultimatums to which he responds by saying he hasn’t got a problem and then he doesn’t have a drink for a few days ( or at least i dont think he does) but soon goes back to normal consumption. Everytime i have been ill he totally ignores me for days on end, not even coming into the bedroom to see if i am ok.
At Christmas i found a lump in my breast but didn’t tell anyone for 3 months because i was so scared that he would just ignore me, but in the end i told my daughter and she came with me for the biopsy. Two days before i went to get my results i told my husband that i had been for a biopsy and he went absolutely ballistic smashing the bedroom up and manhandling me to the point that i had large bruises on my arms and legs. He was screaming and shouting at me like he never had before calling me an evil vindictive twisted bitch and telling me that i had only DONE IT ??? to make him look bad. He then proceeded to kick me out of my home. On the morning that i was due to get my results he rang my daughter and told her to tell me that he loved me and hoped that everything was ok with my results… but he then text me saying “im at work till 5…. go home and get your stuff” I just don’t understand how he can say one thing to my daughter and be totally different in a text to me???
We have now been split up for 2 months and i have not heard anything from him at all… I just want him to say SORRY to me, but throughout our whole marriage that is one word he has never used and believe me he has done many many things to me over the years.
I am soooo confused i dont know whats going on…. I did nothing to this man and he has just shoved me out of his life and totally ignored me.
Is this normal for an alcoholic to show no empathy to somebody they claim to love with all their heart? Is it normal for an alcoholic to totally ignore that someone and go about their life as if nothing has happened.
When friends have asked him why we split up all he says is that ” you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors” He never tells anybody the truth and seems to be denying what has happened to himself too.
My house is now a pigsty with motorbikes and engines in all rooms and my husband now no longer works where as before he always went to work.
I am so worried about him but can not go and see him unless he apologizes to me because I’ve really had enough of his behaviour, but i know that he will NEVER apologize to me or admit the breakup was his fault. But i really am worried sick that he is killing himself and don’t know what to do.
Hi Debbie,
There isn’t much you can do for someone when they are intent on killing themselves. Alcoholism is not rational, so bizarre, irrational behaviour, including obvious lying, is the rule, not the exception.
You are worried because you care. However, the best thing for you to do is look after yourself: regain your sense of self apart from him; regain you personal power; do whatever you need to do create a life for yourself.
It appears your identity is somewhat merged with his. That’s codependency, and it can keep you trapped. it’s much too dangerous to go back. So get help. If you were local, you could book an appointment to see me. However, I am also available by telephone.
I have been involved with an alcoholic for 10 years we have a 20 month old son. When we planned our son, he promised along with his family of recovered alcoholics, that he would change…then at the hospital he appeared drunk embarrassed me and family Needless to say, it only got worse. I moved out 2 months ago, but he still comes over and stays and I allow it drunk or sober… now I’m thinking to move back because i never realized how much he really did help me when around…he drinks every night, about 3 24oz, more on Friday nights, weekends, always is out in the barn drinking says to avoid me bitching over the beer….my mother tells me i enable him…, i feel i can’t change him, he does become very mean verbally when drinking has tried help never continues it, anxiety is so high but refusing medication. He tells the doctor i want him medicated.. but lies to the doctor. i am lost we both don’t want a split family but i don’t want my son to follow his foot steps. Will he if we live together again????? please help me
Hello Kimberly,
Growing up with an alcoholic father will have a lot of impact on your son, most of it not good. It could hamper his ability to be a good father, even if he doesn’t become a drinker. The issue of whether you live together or separately is less important to your son than how well you handle conflict. The arguing, meanness and “bitching” can be very damaging to a child at any age, but especially to a young child. It sounds like you would not be doing your son a favor by living together again. I’m sorry it has to be such a tough decision.
Hi,
I met my now husband fourteen years ago, and was new to the community and didn’t know anything about his background or habits. When we were first dating, he didn’t drink very much when he was out with me, but I would find out about his activities from other people who would tell me that he had been out at the local bar, or that he was seen at someones place, etc. A few months into the relationship he began to show up intoxicated at times, or I would notice that different people would occasionally show up at his place and he’d end up drinking with them or just leaving with them even if he had other plans or obligations. It seemed very normal to him.
We had discussions about it, and I broke up with him twice, and even moved away because I had a very good career opportunity and I didn’t have a desire to change his habits or the habits of the others in the community. When I moved away, we kept in touch, and he sincerely wanted to change. Also I was removed from his activities, so they seemed to be less of an issue when there was just the two us.
He proposed and I had to move back to his community because he is self employed and was financially committed to his business. I was reluctant and told him it was too late, but he was persuasive and I wanted to love him. Once I moved back, the old habits were evident. One night a week or every two weeks he wouldn’t come home when he said he would, and say he ended up over at the neighbors, or at another friend’s or at the bar. At first it was every few weeks, then once a month, and now it occurs even less, however, I become very angry that it even happens at all.
His first wife also became an addict (drugs and alcohol) after they were together for over fifteen years, and their kids really suffered. (One is in a gang and the other two have difficulty getting along with others)
I don’t drink, have a good job and we now have two terrific kids so there are some good things. However, I do most of the parenting because his father was a poor role model and his mother died when he was seventeen. He is learning to be a parent through me, but I am sorry to have ever met him sometimes, and would not choose to be with a drinker ever again. I am tired of the pattern. My parents didn’t drink and were very strong people.. Do you have any suggestions/advice to help me to avoid becoming too angry and bitter. I try to keep my identity and my own interests, etc. but often wonder why I didn’t make better choices.
Lana
Hi Lana,
Who among us has not made some bad choices? Never forget that as long as you live, you make choices every day. The key question is, “Are the choices you made today better because of what you learned from the bad choices?” You can get help to overcome your anger and head off bitterness. The problem is that if you succeed, you may choose to separate for the sake of the children and for your own sanity. Is that what you’re afraid of? You have tough choices ahead of you.
Living with a Functional Alcoholic
I am married to a functional alcoholic. I don’t believe in divorce and I believe that alcoholism is an illness. His father, grandfather, and other relatives were also alcoholics. I also believe that even though he has this illness that with proper treatment he could stop drinking.
I am a capable person and I need little help but what I do need at times is a sounding board. I just need someone to vent to once in awhile. In my attempt to find a circle of supportive friends, I sometimes encounter people who to attack and blame me. What I don’t need is more advice or any more books to read. I have read until I can’t see anymore.
Through the past ten years I have suggested all of the usual help methods to my husband. I have asked, discussed, begged, threatened and even left him. He refuses any kind of help, treatment or counseling. He does however admit that he is an alcoholic and has made it very clear that he has no intentions of quitting. Not for himself, me, his son, or for any other reason. He admits that he knows of the dangers. Of course he knows the dangers as I have bombarded him (like people have bombarded me) with every health article and other media I could get my hands on. He is fifty years old and knows he has a life threatening problem/illness and has decided to do nothing about it.
I tire of people accusing me of being an enabler and I wish they would read the definition before they use the word, or that I am somehow causing or helping my husband drink. He was drunk long before I met him and will probably continue to drink for the rest of his life by his own decision. I do not lie for him, buy alcohol for him, or make excuses for him. I coexist with him somewhat independently. I care and treat my own life, health, and marriage the way I want to. HE treats his life, health, and marriage in the way HE decides. I do not let his behavior change mine or who I am.
I feel that I am now in an emotionally healthy place that took several years to come to. In the beginning I fumbled through my own kind of denial which was, that I thought my husband wanted to stop drinking. When I realized that he doesn’t want to stop I had to emotionally fumble through that trauma as well which was a huge stressor in my life. Imagine the love of your life telling you that they intend to slowly and painfully commit suicide. Though I won’t leave him alone or be without him, I do let him know that I do not support his decision. He and I have decided to agree to disagree. I have also made it clear to him that I will not tolerate him bringing his issues into my life. In other words, “do what you’re going to do but keep it away from me”. Things in my home are ok for me now and I can live here. When I realized that his decisions are his to make I had a profound feeling of freedom that words cannot describe! I was finally detached from his issues that were stressing and worrying me daily. Since I discovered that he is a grown man who can make his own decisions the stress has simply left me! In fact, I often say to him, “you’re a grown man; you know what you’re doing to yourself”.
I also have a health issue (no, not an addiction) and my new attitude regarding his illness has helped me to become healthier and happier. I am now less isolated. I now go out with friends and see my relatives. This does not mean that I love or care less for him. It just means that I love and care for myself just as much and I am not going to let him take me down with him. I am as important as he is. I feel I have accomplished something rare and nearly impossible! I have actually learned how to function with a functional alcoholic!
So, I’d like to say this to someone who chooses to live with an addicted spouse. Do what you want to do, AS LONG AS IT IS HEALTHY FOR YOU. Not leaving your spouse does not mean that you are an enabler. Accept your spouse’s addiction as their decision not yours. This is difficult at first but you will love the way you feel when you get there. Remember, it is NOT your job to make your spouse stop drinking; it is your spouse’s job. People will always think they know your situation better than you do and give you conflicting, hurtful, and confusing advice. They will even try to put blame on you. Find safe people to sound off to. Find people who won’t wrongly judge or attack you. You have enough stress and a long, bumpy road ahead of you. Turn to true friends who will just listen and lend their shoulders when yours get tired.
Dear Valerie,
I took the liberty of bolding your last paragraph, because you describe with profound clarity the art of living with an alcoholic and choosing to stay in your long-term marriage .
I would urge every woman who comes here that she read your heartfelt and thoughtful contribution. Thank you, Valerie.
I know my husband is a functional alcoholic.I love this man and would give anything for this not to be true. We have being friends for over 20 yrs. or more. I watch him go through divorce with his first wife(she was addicted to drugs) which was extra hard on him because he was left with two girls under the age 16yrs. When this happen I didn’t notice what affect it was having on the children.
Drinking is what he used to deal with stress or any other emotions. He works over 12 hrs. a day and comes home with beer every night.On weekends its starts early in the morning and continue until bedtime. He’s not to the point of physical abuse. But emotional, verbal,and all the rest is YES.
I’m very God fearing woman and don’t believe in divorce. But I need help and don’t know what to do. I’ve isolated myself from friends and family because I hate the shame of anyone knowing whats this man has turn into my worst nightmare for a husband. All his friends are drinkers that reassure him that he don’t have a problem, and hes entitled to drink as much as he wants in his own home.They all think its funny to talk about who can drink the most beers in a day….. !!!
The arguments have gotten out of control, He blames me for everything when it comes to his drinking. Its really sad that now he don’t take care of personal self unlike he use to do; body to his regularly hair cuts.
We were best friends to each other and could spend hrs.talking;now we have nothing in common to talk about but his drinking problem. I don’t like to be around him and that’s just what this relationship is. He stays in garage until its time pass out. I stay in the bedroom to myself or with his younger daughter when she here. Making sure that she don’t deals with him when he’s drinking.
Please give some advice on how to help him help his self and
what I should do to help myself????
Thanks
Mrs.Why
Dear Mrs. Why,
Probably the best thing you can do for him is to do something for yourself. Alcohol abusers love to have everything revolve around them. Your not telling your friends what’s going on, your discussing his drinking with him, your reminding him to shower (if you do), your not having your own interests and friends and a host of other things all support him in his continuing to abuse alcohol.
I do offer telephone support to women in your situation. Call 1-888-MY-ETHER ext. 04254397
Whether you use my services or someone else’s, get help for youself. What you are living with is sucking the life out of you.
I can really identify with Joan. I’m in the same situation 60 years old, but I’ve detached from him years ago. There is no remorse for any of the pain he has caused us.
My problem is our 5 children although they are good people and out on their own they have adopted a pattern of verbally abusing me and making me the scapegoat. My husband just sits there and watches and almost enjoys it. So I’ve decided to not see them until they can learn to be respectful to me. Of course my sadistic husband enjoys these episodes.
I don;t know if I could afford a divorce now. And since I have a lot of freedom and handle all the finances, I’m OK. I also have 2 wonderful sisters and really good friends who are there for me.
But I feel very trapped. I feel I deserve much better
Barb
My husband and I will be married for 14 years this monday. When I met my husband, he did not drink. He had been clean and sober for 9 years before I met him. 5 years ago he started to drink again. At first it was just social, now its every night, every weekend, every excuse. He blames me. I am a stay home wife, with two sons, who are on their own now. He loves to go out with them and drink.
I feel utterly and completely alone. I do not drink and never have as both my parents were alcoholics. I never wanted to be with anybody who drank. now I am once again, surrounded by drinkers. I have no friends, no job, no skills for a job, and I feel lost. I love my husband very much, he is a good provider, a good father and it was always me and him against the world. Now I feel as if I am on my own. Its me against my whole family.
I do not know what to do, where to go, what to say. I am glad I found this web site. it just might be a start to some kind of change for me.
Thank you,
Debbie
My heart is breaking reading these comments. It really makes me feel that all hope is lost for my marriage. My husband is passed out on the couch as I write this.
I am 30 and a mother of a darling 1 yr old. I met my husband almost 5 years ago and all of the warning signs were there. My gut was screaming at me not to marry him and I did anyway. He made me feel trapped that he needed me and would be doomed if I didn’t stay with him. He still makes me feel that way.
He drank before he took his wedding vows and he came to the hospital drinking to pick me and our brand new baby up to take us home. He has very deep seated issues (father abandoned him at 11, little sister died of cancer when he was 18 and 3 mos later his alcoholic mother committed suicide). He is also Bipolar and takes medication for it. Sober, he’s wonderful. He is a doting dad and husband. I swear it’s the bipolar that makes him want to drink. When he’s manic he feels great and wants to feel even better so he drinks. When he’s low, he’s depressed and wants to drink.
Four months ago he agreed to get help and did 30 days in rehab. Three days after he got out he binged so hard we had to take him to the ER because he was vomiting blood. They said if we didn’t bring him in he would have died. This apparently didn’t phase him. He was very combative to me AND his 76 yr old grandmother, spitting in our faces, kicking us and cussing us. Two days later he drank again and kicked me out. As I was trying to pack stuff for me and my baby he threatened me with a sword (i had already hid his guns). His friend came by to talk to him and he beat him up. Then he started an 8 wk out patient program and has drank and lied to them the whole time tell them that he’s sober. In the past few weeks, he has wrecked his truck twice (one a hit and run) lost our dog (we found her 3 days later) got arrested for public intoxication while urinating in a church parking lot of all things, and the worse thing in my book just happened the other day. He went with his cousin (who is a drug addict) and withdrew our last $200 and smoked crack for the first time.
I have tried detaching but when someone is threatening to basically destroy everything around them I am afraid I have no other choice but to leave. I run a fairly successful business and am so worried he could hurt someone and they could sue and somehow take everything I have worked 9 yrs to build. I don’t know how and why I ever got mixed up with him. I did and do love him. I really was stupid enough to think I could change him and he’s only gotten worse since I have been with him. He knows how to manipulate me though into thinking that he will just get worse or kill himself if I leave.
People don’t understand why we stay, my whole family and friends look at me like I am dumb and want answers from me as to why I stay. It is so hard when the next day the good guy is back and tells you how sorry he is and how much he loves you and the child. He always makes me believe he will try harder. It’s not easy to walk away from someone you love and who is sick. It’s hard to leave someone who has been abandoned by everyone. He literally has no other family besides us and his grandmother who’s health is ailing from all the stress he puts on her. I am terrified that I will leave and he will die and I have to explain that to my child one day.
Yet I am more terrified if stay that she will become an alcoholic one day. I just don’t understand how all these dads I am reading about on here can’t see what they will do to their children. I was a drinker (a lot of it was to cope with him) and a smoker when I found out I was pregnant and alcoholism runs in my family. I could easily be an alcoholic and I think I pretty much was one (I drank a bottle of wine a night and then some by myself). But I stopped smoking and drinking on the spot when I found out.
When I look at my daughter I draw all the strength in the world from her. I would give up anything including my life for her. She inspires me to be the best person I can be. Why can’t he get it? I stopped cold turkey with no rehab, and he’s only getting worse.
I have a 3 year old son with my “Boy friend” whom has progressively been drinking more and more over the past 6 years . He drinks about (4) 32 oz. beers a day. His first stop after work is the corner store at which time he will purchase 2 beers. By the time I get home from work he has gone to the corner store at least one or even two more times and is working on his 4th 32oz. beer or sometimes even more. He is loud and sometimes very aggressive. We have no relationship because he is so selfish and is unable to think about the feelings of those in the house.
I have started making plans in my head about how to leave and do it somewhat peacefully. I am just at my breaking point to put my plans in action. Although I am scared on how I can be a single mom again only this time with two children.
He apologized to me this morning for being verbally abusive last night. I told him his apology means nothing any more because he still continues to act out. He is on edge of losing his family yet he doesn’t care.
I have no addiction issues nor does anyone in my family so this is all new territory for me. There is no easy answer to my situation, especially when children are involved.
I got married in 2007. We had not dated for very long. But he seemed like a wonderful guy. My sister knew him and all of us attended the same church. I thought we had the same beliefs, overall morals. Not saying that anyone is perfect all of the time or anything. His father is a pastor that teaches in another state. But I understand that none of this is their fault, but I trusted that he had some principles instilled in him that I also have. I think that he does. But anyway… I knew him for a bit before 2006 he had helped my sister and her husband paint their house and he was a handsome, personable, seemed like kind hearted individual. Everyone though he was great including me. I had recently gotten out of a verbally abusive relationship with at different man I had dated him since I was 19-23. I guess at the time I didn’t realize how bad he was everyone told me, I just dealt with it and thought oh no he loves me. He ended up hitting me and I left in 2006 and then ended up dating the guy that helped paint my sister’s house.
It was wonderful, what a difference, he came to pick me up, he took me out to eat, my family liked him, he was sweet, not to mention very attractive, everyone thought he was a good guy, including me, I was completely impressed and we really started to understand eachother mentally and had a fun. He would pick me up and we’d go out to eat. He drank some, but I thought it was just socially or you know we were on a date, I sometimes would drink one or two drinks but nothing major.
He proposed to me three months later. I was sooo excited, here he was finally a guy that understood me, had same values, same ducks in a row, family and friends liked him, and I found him extremely attractive. I admit it had only been a little while, but I had stayed with the last guy for 4 years…. and well I guess he really never wanted to get married, and since he hit me and all guess i gave up too. But here was this gorgeous, understanding man who wanted to marry me and I thought we had a lot of beliefs in common.
So we got married in July. I did notice some drinking things. I told his family about my concerns, but you know we were going to get married in july and this was may or so and so they didn’t seem to think it was a big deal. Guess I was just trying to figure out whether the drinking was just social or not. But he was 33 and hadn’t been living with is parents since he was 18 so guess they don’t really know what he’s like at home anyway. I was 24. They are not to blame, just I voiced some concern. Then I told him that I wanted to wait 3 months or that … I wanted to postpone the wedding. He sobbed and pleaded on the floor, I am sorry I want to get married, I will stop drinking. I will…. Me being way too sensative believed his plea.
Well as soon as we were on our honeymoon, well why don’t we go bar hopping? and not to mention his temper flared up the whole time we drove on our 8 hour away destination. He just can’t handle busy traffic, it infuriates him. I didn’t really realize that until we drove such a long distance. He gets easily angered by sitting in traffic, throws the f bomb. cusses, drives like speed racer, even though I tell him it bothers me, but he just says, “you need to relax.” “you worry too much.” “you need to trust me when I drive.” even though I am so tailgating this person…we could colide with them at any second if I’m not paying attention.
Sorry .. anyways yeah most of the time at the beach he just wanted to drink. He didn’t even really want to do anything else if you get my drift. Not to mention, this has been the story for almost 3 years now. When we came back from our honeymoon, everything was different. He had 12 beers or more a night all the time, like anywhere from 3-6 nights a week. I told him it was stressing me out I could get sleep to get up and go to work. He was always getting plastered and yelling and cussing at me and tell him me I was full of it. Sometimes even saying things that he said I said to him that i had never said before. Maybe an x I don’t know. if I had to work 1-9 I’d come home he’d be totally out of it. He’d yell at me for about 2 hours and I mean really let me have it verbally, then he’d cry for about an hour, then he’d talk a bit to himself or the poor cat, and then pass out. I cared about him, I didn’t know what to do. The next day he just would be all lovey. Act like nothing happened. And if I was in a sour mood, he’d say “what’s your problem? Why are you in such a bad mood?” Now it’s just, “oh you’re going to argue again?” This has happened to me so many times I don’t even know… just became a routine in our relationship. I tried to tell talk to him to tell him I think there is an alcohol problem. He totally denys everything, there is no problem. So I went a long with it for years. Same thing just kept on happening. Then he did start drinking a bit less, but always had to have the 16oz 6 pack. Lucky for us there is a bar right up the street from our house. You can walk there.
So he had less, I wouldn’t let him buy the 24 pack in the boxes anymore for I knew he’d prob drink it all in a day or within 2 days. So he went to the 6 pack and sometimes would go up to the bar to have one or two more. Or get another 6 pack if we were in an argument about his drinking. I’ve numerous times just gone and sat in my car just to get away from him yelling. I’ve sobbed and talked out my friends and poor parents. Been calling one of my friends I’ve know for 13 years..been calling her since 2007. Just helps for someone to listen. And yes I blamed myself a lot. And he would deny… “I don’t have a problem, I provide, ” then that became the excuss. “it’s not that bad, I go to work everyday, I can have a beer here and there I work all the time.” Well I worked too at a pharmacy and really needed to be alert, but was very tired of him yelling and drinking at night so I could barely sleep most of the time. Got to a point where I had acid reflux I swear because of all the stress, and not being able to sleep. Always wondering what he was going to be like when I got home. Hey one night he might be ok, the next not so much. We’d go to church, everyone would ask him how his dad is. He’d be Mr. Nice guy and talk to everyone, then when we got home he’d drink, or the next day. Just all so confusing and stressful for me too.
Well Feb 2009 I just had enough he came to pick me up at my parents where I had spent the weekend an hour away, we had already had to please stop drinking conversation a million times! He came to pick me up the car and him wreaked of booze. “oh I just had a couple, was shoveling snow and a neighbor offered them to me.” “why are you making this such a big deal?” Then when I was upset he started to drive really fast and started cussing and yelling at other drivers even though he was cutting them off.
I had him pull over and called my dad. I stayed with my parents til April. Then I missed him so much and wanted to make our marriage work somehow. I wanted to get help. I offered to go with him, etc. He woudn’t because he doesn’t have a problem. He was sober for a week. Then needless to say it all happened again, but this time I recorded it it just the audio for myself so the next morning when he’d say, “why are you in a bad mood, ah you want to start this again.” basically the next morning when he didn’t remember, I would and I wouldn’t let myself sweep it under the carpet, not this time!
So I went back with my parents for a month. He did text me a lot while he was drinking and blamed me and text some awful things to me.
Now it is June. I am back at our house again. I wanted to take one last time to see if we could salvage anything. He hasn’t drank for a month. Longest he’s ever gone. But I’m scared, just waiting to see if he can keep it up. And trying to see if his temper without drinking will flair up too. His parents are coming into town next week. He only gets to see them once a year. I know he will be all sweet to me in front of them, like we just have a normal marriage and there is nothing wrong and if there is it is because I am depressed or I am not the most pleasant person to be around either. Which I understand but mainly due to the fact I’m trying to decide whether to stay or go this last time around.
What is your advice? Anybody? I don’t want to bring kids into our marriage it would be awful. I don’t want anyone else to ever have to go through this. He normally doesn’t like me in that way anyway… I think sometimes he can’t function because maybe because he prob been drinking like this for a least 10 years or more, just no one knew because no one had to live with him before. Or at least they don’t know how bad it can get. I’ve made it clear to him if he gets so drunk and yells at me again I’m gone. I’m tired of wasting my life and worrying about it. I will really have to go back to school and live with my parents for a while, but just glad that I have a place to go. But I don’t want kids with him, guess just have to grit my teeth this fourth of july when his parents are in and see what he does. I feel so alone and bitter because of all the things that have happened. I don’t trust him. That’s going to take a long time if he continues to stop the drinking. I don’t want to be bitter, just afraid at anytime he could go back to it. Angry because for so long I’ve just had to shut up and no one knows at church. That’s a good thing. But just so angry that I always have to be the one to suck it up and act like everything is fine. I don’t want to live a lie! I want someone who is genuine and honest and who isn’t addicted to anything. I want to try to fix it? But I don’t trust him at all. That will take a long time to get back. I don’t know whether to stay or to go? Guess I will just have to see what he does for a while. Any advice anyone? Sorry so long, just been keeping it bottled up inside for 3 years …except to my family and friends.
My husband and I are newly married (1 year). I have 4 children from a previous marriage and he has 2 and I am now 2 months pregnant with our first. We married quickly but knew each other for a while before ever dating. We would have drinks together on dates and everything was fine.
After we married we quickly started fighting (all verbal). I have never been a fighter. I’m laid back and can easily talk things out and move on. The fights we had would always escalate to screaming and crying because he would be soooo unreasonable, immature, and spiteful. He’s not at all like this when sober.
I believe he is a functioning alcoholic. Great father, great with his family, hard worker, stays in shape, eats well, and we are great together when he’s not drinking. But he drinks EVERY night. At LEAST 2-3 glasses of straight vodka and then he moves on to beer. Sometimes it’s fine. Most other times he falls asleep on the couch and I go to bed alone, and there is no sex unless it’s the next morning. Other times, there are the fights. I guess about once a month, but sometimes more.
He belittles me. Calls me a liar. Says I don’t do anything to raise our kids properly or discipline them. he constantly says he can do anything he wants with out any “permission”" or with out discussing it with me including “raising the discipline to the next level” with MY children…. Many times He is over it in the morning and sometimes I get an apology, but the same topics plus new ones get brought up again later when the drinking starts. I try to avoid this by not responding to topics that might be serious or might push a button with him, but it’s getting to the point that I feel scared or nervous to even be around him once he’s started drinking since he might go off.
He’s moved on to stronger discipline with the kids, or yelling at them, or griping at me about them which I can’t just avoid like the topics that might just address us. I don’t know what to do. I can’t just gather up me and the kids and leave every night while he drinks….I don’t want to walk on egg shells every night but can…it’s a shame though. He’s a VERY strong and confident person and VERY much in denial. He gets very upset if the topic of his alcohol is ever even brought up.
I also think he might be some what narcissistic..? he always talks bout how great he is and how people copy him or want to be like him and how EXTREMELY successful he’ll be one day. I think confidence is great, but most people find his level either laughable or outright arrogant… I don’t know what to do. I’ve looked at Al Anon and will go to the next meeting but I did go to a chat room of theirs and it seems much like just talking and no direction as to what to do. He won’t ever consider counseling. His ex called him an alcoholic and his divorce decree even says he can’t drink in front of the kids (but he does). He’s a great guy…but needs help…I know he won’t get it unless HE wants it….
Big topic I almost forgot. He was addicted to speed for about 3 years. He’s tried almost every drug out there. he called himself out when he hit bottom and told all of his family and detached himself from that world. That was about 4-5 years ago. I’m always worried about that too…
Hi Emily,
You didn’t ask for a reply, but I will comment on one point anyway. You say “he won’t get it unless HE wants it.” I disagree. He
does get it, but he won’t do anything about it until HE is ready. As it stands there is no incentive for him to change anything. His bullying keeps you under his control and allows him to keep on drinking. If anything is to change, first you must change. You may have to go the way of his ex, but there is no way of knowing in advance what will happen with him if he can no longer scare you and bully you into silence.
Best wishes.
get it.
Dr. Neill, thank you. My husband is an alcoholic, and I’m afraid that I have slipped into the codependency role you mention in your post, and I don’t want to be. The stress is taking a toll on me, and our son, who just does not deserve this at all. I have one question I hope you can answer for me, please:
Is it dangerous for alcoholics to stop drinking alcohol all at once? This is the only reason I still buy his alcohol, because I’m afraid that it is dangerous to just stop altogether, without him being weaned off by a medical professional. He refuses to acknowledge that he has a problem, so getting him to see a doctor about the alcoholism is impossible right now, there is no reasoning with him anymore. Lately, in sheer desperation, I’ve been gradually watering down his Vodka, managing to replace the alcohol by increasingly small amounts of water, without his realizing it, but I’m afraid if I water it down too much he’ll notice, or that it may become dangerous for him.
Any advice?
Thanks
Dear At the end of my rope,
Yes, stopping cold turkey can be dangerous. It’s much safer to do it under a doctor’s supervision, even better in a detox facility. He does know he has a problem. He just doesn’t want to face it.
For things to change, first you have to change. At present he has absolutely no incentive to deal with his alcohol problem or even admit he has one. You could start by talking with his doctor, even if he has forbidden it.
Do what you have to do for you and your son to make sure the present doesn’t continue.
Best wishes.