by Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist 

Marriage is supposed to be exciting. Everybody knows that… 

I’m going to look at marriage from another point of view. In my experience many a relationship has crashed because there was too much excitement, or at least, excitement of the wrong kind. 

But before I get into that, I would like to draw an analogy between business and marriage.  

Think about a bank. It is one of the most successful businesses in existence. It operates in a very predictable fashion. It has closely-followed rules.  It outlasts most other businesses. A bank offers few surprises other than the size of the annual profits. 

In short, a bank is a complex system, and a not very exciting one. In fact it’s dull. Can you think of a more boring way to earn a billion dollars than a half a cent at a time? 

When you look at other successful businesses you again see predictability and closely-followed rules. 

Like business, marriage is a complex system. Also like business the longevity of relationships depends too on predictability and closely-followed rules.  

The rules I refer to in a marriage are
fidelity, honesty, openness, respect, caring and support. 

Predictability in a marriage implies following these rules today, a year from now, and 10 years from now. 

What does this mean in practice? If you and your partner are facing a major illness, a family death, a criminal charge, a bankruptcy, or any other disruptive crisis, it is quite predictable that both of you remain honest and open and caring and supportive of one another. 

If a bank employee begins to skim funds or make loans that bend the rules, the bank is usually quick to remove the offending employee. This preserves the integrity of the system. 

Similarly, in a successful marriage it is probable that both will quickly sense when something or someone starts to interfere with the rules. The couple quickly takes whatever corrective action is necessary to assure the interference does not compromise the caring or any of the other rules of the marriage. 

Many people bring into their relationship an intense need for excitement. They need challenges. They need frequent adrenaline rushes. They need intense competition. They need risk, even danger. 

In short, many need to create drama to feel alive. In their drive for excitement sometimes they cause their marriages to crash and burn, but they don’t need to. 

A marriage gets fouled up when they allow the drive for excitement to compromise the rules of a marriage. Verbal violence and criticism may provide emotional release, but this type of excitement compromises caring, support, and certainly respect.  

An affair may take your breath away, but you break the rules of fidelity, honesty and openness, thereby wrecking the whole marriage. 

Sports, travel, mountain climbing, motorcycling, kayaking or public speaking can put a whole lot of excitement into life. They can work within a marriage because they don’t involve breaking the rules of marriage. 

I think of marriage as a sacred container made up of the boring and predictable rules. Within that sacred container of marriage you can go on exciting adventures or quietly raise your children. That container can be a place of calm or exhilaration. It can be a place of great personal and spiritual growth. It is a place to dream and fully participate in life. 

Just don’t mess with the container itself as you pursue your dreams! 

We read the obituaries of the Enrons and other companies that didn’t take corrective action soon enough, when some of their people got carried away in their excitement and broke the rules. 

When a marriage ends after rules are broken, there is no obituary.