I have managed to detach and keep active with my friends, family and job. My husband functions well at his job, but not at anything else. It makes me sad that we don’t talk much, have a sex life, or go anywhere together. Even though I am committed at this point to continue in my marriage of 30 years, I wish somehow these voids could be fulfilled. I miss the physical and emotional intimacy.

Dear Donna,
My heart goes out to you. There are so many women (and men) out there who are quietly living a life parallel to yours, without intimacy of minds and bodies. A marriage without these can be the loneliest place in the world.
I’m glad you are staying active. I hope to be releasing a book this year for women who live with functioning alcoholics. Stay tuned.
Neill

I’m pretty vocal about my childrens’ father being a functioning alcoholic. I’m not nice about it, I list off his symptoms and then tell him how they effect the rest of us. He tells me that those are just my opinions and he disagrees. He becomes the “better person” for being so diplomatic about the situation. There’s no getting through, but I do not allow my kids to be around him after he’s been drinking or the next day.

i have an awsome boyfriend who i’ve been with for 6months or so and i think i’ve seen him without a drink 2 days during our relationship. i’ve not gone a day without seeing him. he’s super smart and funny and kind and sweet. he has a great job and does very well at it. he helps friends when they need something with which he can help, he is responsible in every way shape and form. he drinks a lot though. a lot. on the weekends he usually stays up late—like 2, 3 or 4 am and more or less passes out the second he lays down—sometimes on the couch when he is sitting down. i love him more than i’ve ever ever ever thought i could love anyone and i don’t want to change him. i’m concerned. neither of my parents really drank when i was growing up which makes me think that i may be over reacting. my dad might buy a 6 pack of beer and finish it over a 3month period. sometimes it would be there so long mom would toss it. mom made some rum balls every now and then and i saw her once have a sip of champagne. i want my guy to be around and in my life. i want him to be healthy enough to enjoy life for the rest of both of ours. i’m afraid to say much of anything to him because i don’t want to make him feel bad. he’s not a bad person. he gets down on himself because he gets to drunk to have sex. i miss having sex with him when he is drunk. we’re both under thirty so we’ve got a lot of life to live. i want us both to enjoy it. i feel like it is one of those situations in which if i care about him i should say something. i’m scared and don’t know what to do. but i feel like i need to say something…any words of advice?

Hi Lulu,
Your boyfriend certainly sounds like a good man, a keeper. I agree you should tell him of your concern and what it does to you. He may decide he wants to do something about his drinking, which appears to have progressed to full-blown alcohol dependence(alcoholism). He may need professional help, but that’s not a forgone conclusion. He will have to figure that out.

One thing is certain: alcoholism is progressive. The situation will get worse unless he takes action.

You will handle things (and yourself) a lot better if you’re better informed about alcoholism and if you are more aware of the typical mistakes people make when their spouse is an alcoholic. My book, “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic-a Woman’s Survival Guide” would answer a lot of your questions.

My very best wishes to the two of you,

Neill

I live in a very similar situation. I do not hide the fact to my son, and we discuss openly the fact that he drinks too much. I myself gave up drinking any alcohol at all because I became so concerned about the fact that my husband just blows off the fact that he can consume large amounts of vodka and beer each night. The first thing that he does when he gets home from work is pour a drink and doesn’t stop until he goes to bed or passes out in “his chair”.

Financially, I am in a position where I really have no place to go and am getting to the point where I want him to go. I no longer share a room with him, having moved my room downstairs in our home.

I totally understand your feelings.

My problem is that my husband comes from a father that is a recovered alcoholic. He is 45 out with the boys all most every night. Drinks every day sometimes he can’t make it home because he can’t drive he’s to drunk. He holds down a job, pays the bills, but we have no life together. we will be married 2o yrs this year. I am at my wits end and do not know what to do. My 19 year old thinks this behavior is ok because he’s old enough to make his own decisions and he lets our 19 year old have a fewe beers at home. I am frustrated.

I believe my sister is a functioning alcoholic. She is a beautiful, smart 33 year old with 2 daughters, 14 and 2. She recently went through a very bad divorce and was left with a lot of debt. She lives with my parents and works 40 hours a week as a radiology tech. She has always had a history of alcohol abuse. She was raped as a teenager while passed out at a party, she got pregnant as at 17 while drunk and has gotten in physical altercations. When she was married she drank wine at home on weekends or in the evenings. Now, she goes out to clubs every weekend and starts drinking even before she goes out. Sometimes she has gone home with men she meets at the clubs or passes out on friends couches. She says she isn’t sleeping with these men, and they usually never call her when she gives them her number. Our family has tried to tell her how dangerous her life style is and what could happen, but she has an answer for everything and doesn’t think she has a problem. She’s single now and likes to have fun and everyone is is boring and has no life. Our family has a history of alcoholism, our dad, both grandfathers and all of our uncles on our fathers side of the family. Since she lives with our parents she doesn’t drink in evenings, only weekends. Are we overreacting? Is there anything we can do, or should we just wait for something bad to happen that might open her eyes and change on her own? We don’t know what to do? Any advice?

My problem is that I am just now ready to admit that my Fiance’ is a functioning alcoholic. He drinks everyday. A typical day is when he’s at business lunch he’ll have a few then comes home early and starts in for the evening around 5 and we go to bed around 9pm.He has at least 6 drinks a night every night or more. Last weekend, he drank alot (13 drinks) in front of my family and then he starts getting louder and louder and more and more opinionated etc. I went to bed cause I KNOW he will have and episode. When in bed he explodes into anger throwing things, yelling obscenities, and slamming doors. I walk down to find him and talk and he is passed out. I know there is no reasoning with him whn he is drinking. Next day he said he is sorry but he didn’t know why…he didn’t remember. This is the worst! How do I accept his behavior.This is just one episode out of many. Do I stand by him, love him for who he is, or do I force him to get help?

Dear Elle,

Unfortunately, you can’t force him to get help, or at least, you can’t force him to change. And to make matters worse, he probably won’t change for the better while you are together. What you are facing is whether or not to stay or go. Do you have an escape route? When alcoholic men become violent, as he has, it is usually only a matter of time before the violence escalates to violence against his partner, and sometimes that’s too late.

Do take care of yourself first. I would strongly urge to to seek professional local guidance for yourself before you do anything else. My book may help you ask better questions.
Neill

Hi Stephanie,

Although your sister clearly has a severe alcohol problem, there isn’t a lot you can do. A family intervention where you all gang up on her with the same message, and ultimatum, sometimes works, but if any one of you enables her…

Please understand that many people who have gone through a loss–in her case, her marriage–escalate their drinking/acting out for a couple of years before the settle down. It is part of their grieving. This could possibly be a factor in your sister’s present behavior.

Are you overreacting? Probably not, because she may be in real danger. But try to get her talking about the normal grief that follows the loss of a marriage, even a bad one.

Best wishes,

Neill

You should not marry this man, no matter how great he seems. I cannot see him being functioning for long, and then you will be stuck with an alcoholic husband who cannot function. Please do yourself a favor and leave this man. The heartbreak you will feel now is miniscule compared to the heartbreak of watching a husband deteriorate and ruining his life, your life and the lives of any children you may have,

How come alcoholics do not get sick hang overs? Like throwing up the next morning? Sometimes I drink a little more than usual (to cope with the fact that I’m married to a functioning alcoholic) especially at Christmas and new year. If I’m not carefull, I get sick. How I wish the same sickness on the alcolics in the family.

Hi Cindy,

I doesn’t seem fair, does it? One of the typical characteristics of an alcoholic is that they have built up a high tolerance to alcohol. Yet many still get sick, especially the next day and most get hangovers.

There is recent evidence that some alcoholics are genetically predisposed to not get hangovers. I was one of them. The alcohol still marches on doing its inevitable damage to the health of the alcoholic, but the alcoholic does not have the benefit of the warning sign, the hangover.

By the way, there are healthier and more hopeful ways of coping with an alcoholic in the family that to drink with him. but i suspect you already know that.

Make it a great New Year!

Neill

Thanks for the reply. I have another question. How come alcoholics do not eat in the evening when they’ve been drinking. If I have a few beers, then eat dinner, I’m wiped out and gone to sleep. It seems that alcoholics will eat, when they have decided that they are ready to stop drinking and call it a night. Or do they really just not get hungry at supper time?

Is it possible to mitigate the physical affects of alcohol abuse by taking vitamin supplements such as folic acid, vitamin B, etc., or are the long-term affects inevitable when alcohol consuption is extremely great? I probably shouldn’t even care anymore as I have already filed for divorce and am attempting to collect the pieces of my life and reassemble them the best I know how, but I am curious…and probably a little (a lot) co-dependant. My husband will drink 2-3 gallons of vodka in a matter of a weekend but then takes vitamin supplements in an attempt to stave off some of the physical consequences. Is this effective?

Dear Cindy and Carole,

Thank you Cindy for your continued interest in understanding, and congratulations Carole for your taking action. If Either of you have been reading my book, I would be most interested in hearing from you as to how helpful it was.

Let me caution you up front that I am not an expert on nutrition and vitamins.

Nevertheless, when a person replaces nutritional food with sugar or other empty calories like alcohol, it quells their appetites and deprives them of nutrients they might have got from food. I understand that some experts recommend mega doses of a number of vitamins and minerals, some taken several times each day, to attempt to compensate for the deficiencies. Some go even further and suggest that the heavy drinker needs to consume 2000 to 3000 calories per day of food, none of it junk food, plus the vitamin and mineral supplements, just to stay even.

Having said that, one study reported that 70% of hospital admissions of an older population were alcohol related. And that’s just among those who made it to “older.”

To the drinker: if you want to maintain some semblance of health and keep drinking, GET PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL AND NUTRITIONAL ADVICE. Nutritional needs differ from one individual to another.

My best to both of you.

Neill

I am going to stage an intervention for my twin sister (47 y.o.) who has had a drinking problem for 20 years. The past 2 years she has gotten extremely worse. She blacks out, she is a danger to herself as she falls all the time when she is drunk, she has broken ribs, cut her face, broke a toe. She also has skin lupus, osteoporsis, and apropcia all which has gotten worse with consuming that damn rum she drinks. She has a job, never misses work due to drinking and really only gets drunk on the weekend. It’s to the point now that whoever is with her ends up babysitting her so she doesn’t fall down stairs or catch herself on fire. Of course there are no free treatment centers in NJ where we live and her ins only covers 7 days (which I am going to try to talk her into taking). I am at my wits end. She is the most kindhearted person in the world, what else can we do to help her fight this “demon”?

Dear Vanessa,

What you describe is so sad…but so widespread! At some level she is trying to kill herself. She may succeed, and it’s not your fault.

Do your intervention(s) only when she is sober.

Avoid all contact when she is drinking. I realize she is at risk, but rescuing her( “babysitting her” ) only deepens the alcoholism.

Be a model of self care.

Never stop loving her.

This may be one of the most difficult things you have to face in life.

My very best to both of you.

Neill

Your comment “Consider the successful professional who pours himself a drink as soon as he gets home. Since he won’t drink and drive, he never attends his children’s games or takes them camping. Is he “functioning?” hit home. Years of lonliness and denial and caring for my children alone…and wondering “does he have a problem?” Is it me????

I have a friend that works 24 hour shifts(day on, day off) and does not drink during that time. However on all the rest of his days off he starts with beer around 1030-1130 in the morning and drink it slowly but constantly throughout the day until around 10-11 at night. He will abstain when he is really sick.
He is not obviously intoxicated, but never really sober either. I have known him for 20 years and in the beginning his “beer-30″ time was after noon, now it is when the morning coffee is gone.
I love him dearly, and I think he has an alcohol problem. But he got very offended when I told him that he might become a drunk when he retired if he didn’t get help. Apparently he feels there is difference between a “drunk” and an “alcoholic”.

Because he does not drink for 2-3 days per week, am I wrong in my feeling that he has a problem.

Dear Joanne,
An important part of alcohol addiction is doing whatever is necessary to convince those around (and themselves) them that there is no problem.

When that fails the task switches to convincing others (and themselves) that it’s not their fault–they blame their drinking on their spouse, work, children, bad luck, the lottery, the car, the scarcity of money, excess money, their father, genetics, personality type, their cell phone. Functioning alcoholics almost by definition do not take responsibility around their drinking.

It is sad what you and your children had to endure. But go easy on yourself. It never was “you.” Functioning alcoholics are professionals at justifying and blaming. They have made a ’successful’career of it.

Neill

Hi Debra,

Of course you are not wrong!

But first read the response I just made to Joanne. It’s quite relevant to your question.

If your friend is dependent on alcohol, by definition he is an alcoholic. It doesn’t matter whether the pattern is day-long slow drinking with multi-day breaks, drinking only when off work, daily drinking to unconsciousness or weekend binges.

When we hear “he’s a drunk”, it’s a slang expression applied to someone with an alcohol problem. Many alcoholics (’drunks’) never get drunk and many hold important positions–senators, judges, doctors and chiefs of police–for a time.

I hope this has been of some help.

Neill

I am wondering what to do when living with a functioning alcoholic starts getting worse. I’ve never suggested to my husband that he has a drinking problem. It’s been fine for the past 10 years or so but drinking after work has turned into drinking till midnight. He’s a great husband who even helps with the housework. He cooks too. But it’s just busy stuff to do while he’s popping the top one right after another. Now it’s to the point that I’m No Good and he recently has started talking down to me. I sorted the laundry and put a few loads in on Sunday and then I get chewed out while I’m on the computer (working, not playing). It’s all because I’m relaxing and taking it easy on the week end and he’s had all weekend to drink and start talking mean.

Hi Cindy,

He’s at a crucial but predictable place in the progression of his alcoholism. Right now it is particularly important that you do and not do certain things that will only make things worse. There are a couple of chapters devoted to the dos and don’t in my book. But for now, whatever happens don’t let him persuade you that his drinking is in any way your fault. He may (or must) do that to convince himself that he doesn’t have a problem. So don’t buy in.

Best wishes,

Neill

I have an ex-bf that I still care about. I think he’s an alcoholic. He started drinking around the age of 16. He is now 37. When I was with him, he would ususally drink 5-6 beers during the day (he works from home) and then he’d drink more at night when we were at his house or out. The usual was cranberry juice and vodka on top of the beer or more beer. I once saw him consume 2 pitchers of beer by himself in about 2 hours. He starts to drink early in the day. I’m pretty sure drinking is everyday event for him. I would find “emptys” everywhere around his house and backyard. He says that he “knows his limits”, he’s “allergic to caffeine” and can’t drink anything else. I’ve been told by his friends that his wife left him because of his drinking and anger issues. I was told that he drinks so much that he 1) has passed out before with his feet in a campfire and never felt the heat. He woke up the next morning acting like he never touched a drop of alcohol 2) He has urinated on himself in the past during/after drinking 3) His wife found him in their hallway urinating because he thought it was the bathroom. 4) He becomes verbally abusive when drunk.. hitting walls even. I think he’s having physical symptoms of his abuse… His legs become swollen/painful and tingly sometimes, he’s recently had pain in his shoulder and tingling in one of his hands. I think it’s alcoholic neuropathy. He’s an alcoholic isn’t he?

Hello Christine,

Undoubtedly he is a deteriorating alcoholic, based on what you have said.

My question to you is this: If he is an “ex-bf,” how do you know all this current stuff about him? If you are keeping in touch with him, then it it highly likely that you are contributing to his staying in his alcoholism. And what are you getting out of it?

The bottom line is that if you really care about this man, get out of his life completely at least for a couple of years and give him time to deal with his addiction…or not.

Take care of yourself.

He is an ex-bf. I ended things for good with him a few weeks ago. I am no longer in contact with him. I’ve heard about his other drinking episodes/issues/accidents from mutual friends of ours. They told me all of this after we broke up… Maybe to protect him or to protect me. These people are actually his friends that he’s had for close to 20 years. They’ve told me that I’ve made the right decision by leaving him. I know that I’ve made the right decision too. I am taking care of myself. He’s left me no other choice. The physical symptoms he shows, I saw for myself. I guess I just wanted a professional’s decision to put the final nail in the “coffin” so to speak. How can I stop caring about someone I once loved who’s slowly killing himself? Any advice?

Christine, I’m glad you clarified that and I feel relieved that you have disconnected and are taking care of yourself.

It is perfectly normal to care for someone for long periods after you decided you couldn’t live with him. Of course you care! just don’t fall in the trap of going back.

You are also grieving, an inevitable human process that following the loss of someone you care for…he was there and now he’s not. Grief is something you can’t avoid, deny or “get it over with.” Acceptance is key. I wrote a couple of other articles on acceptance on this site; they might help.
Neill

My boyfriend and I have been together for six months. He is the epitome of Jekyll & Hyde. He is a functioning alcoholic and is a great provider for my daughter and I. Things will be good for a week or so, he won’t drink and then he goes out of town (he travels considerably) and pours himself a vodka drink while in the car driving. I have told him several times that this is completely unacceptable and if he doesn’t care about himself enough to not drink and drive, atleast have consideration for others on the road- they have no choice in the matter if they are hurt or worse yet killed by a drunk driver. His response is always that I am nagging at him and that he was “only an hour from home”. Around Christmas time he admitted that he had a problem and we sought counseling. The counselor suggested AA meetings of which my BF has snubbed his nose at. His motto is that he can do it on his own. I am not holier than thou and I have a drink from time to time myself, HOWEVER, never do I drive or get verbally abusive. My BF does all of the above. When he drinks he gets verbally abusive, is so quick to pack his things and move-out (I’d wager that he has moved out of the house at least 20-30 times in the past 6-months) and the next day he always seems to reel me back in by apologizing and has even broken into tears. I see so much good in him, but enough is enough. Last Friday he started drinking on his way home from being out of town, came into my house and packed his things and later that night after my womanly intuition kicked in and him not answering my telephone calls something told me to check to see if he was still in town and guess what??? I found him at a hotel….right around the corner from my house. His home is an hour and half away from mine- he said that he was there b/c he was too tired to go home….My guess, he was too drunk to drive home. He has mind *&^%$# me so much that I don’t know what to think anymore. He has called me probably 6-times since this Friday incident. I just received an email from him that stated “the least I could do was pick up the phone and if I don’t he will assume that we are over and adjust accordingly”. Mind you- on Friday he told me he was done with me and my nagging, received an apology email from him at 5:56 AM on Saturday, spoke to him at 1:30PM Saturday and got cussed out and was told that the most sensible thing was for me to leave him alone (he was drunk already. Since that last conversation at 1:30PM on Saturday, I have not picked up the phone and I just received that email that I discussed above. This has been the roller coaster ride that I have endured for six months. Right now, I am repulsed by him, angry with him and am not sure if I want to continue. On the same token, I love him dearly when he is normal. I know that he has it in him to quit, but, I am beginning to come to the realization that I need to leave him for my own sanity. I am trying to rebuild my own life and trying to raise my 9-year old daughter. His behavior is interfering in every aspect of my life. My question, do I stay or do I go???? How do I get him to see the light that just b/c he apologizes that is no longer good enough and love is not enough to bind us together. HELP!

Hi Nicole,

Please read the two comments I left for Christine above. They apply to your situation almost perfectly. In your case, whether you dig a deeper hole for the next few years and then leave, or whether you permanently cut off the relationship with your alcoholic boyfriend now, that is what you are modeling for your daughter. Do you want her to learn to nip a bad situation in the bud regardless of love feelings? Then end it. He won’t change as long as you are in the picture.

Best wishes for you and your daughter.

Neill

Dr Neill,

I just downloaded a copy of your e-book and I highly recommend everyone that has posted here to read it, if they haven’t already.

The anxiety of the "unknown" I can say has not completely diminished BUT, reading your book did ease it. I now know what I am faced with and that I have been "doing the dance" for far too long. I am going to wait and see if my boyfriend is responsive to alas getting help and REALLY putting forth the effort. I am not going to contact him. If he contacts me and exhibits a strong-will, then I will help him. But, I have learned from your book that I TRULY am NOT his savior and this is a habit that he has to want to break for himself. I am not the root of the habit.

In the meantime, I am going to utilize your information about rebuilding myself and living my life- as he may not have the willingness to do what I want him to do right now and I must move on and not get stuck as you said. After all of the counseling that we have shelled out for, I wish that I would have stumbled across your site prior to doing so…Would’ve saved us money, grief and perhaps maybe we’d still be together. As you said, there is hope and miracles do happen. I hope this is true in my case, if not, I now have some useful tools for rebuilding my life along with my daughter’s. Thank you very much!

I am wondering if I am a functioning alcoholic. I have a good job, a beautiful wife who has been diagnosed with clinical depression, and an awesome daughter that just turned one. I generally drink 6-8 beers 5-6 nights a week. I only drink beer. I do not like to be an out-of-control drunk person. I just like to get a buzz and then go to sleep. Most nights I do not start drinking until 8:00 or 9:00 and then I have my beer and go to bed. My biggest concern is that I take 2 big glasses of water and 4 Ibuprofen to make sure I get no headache the next day. I am concerned I may be damaging my liver, but believe that alcohol helps with your circulatory system . My family has a history of heart disease and I do not want to die because of that. Am I considered a functioning alcoholic?

I believe I have a family member who is a functioning alcoholic. Not that she does not have reason. I believe she was sexually abused as a child - significantly. She denies it of course.

She runs a bar and has a home she has nearly paid off herself. Employment at the bar has been a double-edged sword. Although it has helped her to pay her bills and gives her a feeling of importance, she is belittling and demeaning to those who love her. Especially me for some reason.

I must say we both have very strong personalities and we are very close in age. There are times I don’t give in so it is not all her but. I’d like to mend my relationship with her but when I try she twists my words and the attempt at reconsiliation escalates into an ugly fight.

She is an incredible person but there has been neglect of her child, she has discarded many many; most she met at the bar. She has thrown away opportunities to learn and grow out of the bar scene and she refuses. She once said the bar was her life. It is all she wants and all she needs. Sadly, I think some day it will be all she has.

How can I proceed with a health relationship with her? I can’t put myself in an abusive relationship any longer. Unfortunately, my need to step back and protect myself is harming our parents. I believe that our entire family is enabling her because they tolerate her outbreak and abusive behavior rather than setting limits to her abusive behavior.

I just need direction on how I can prevent or lessen the famiy astrangement without putting myself in a bad situation.

What do you suggest?

I have been with my husband for nine years. Married for seven. We have three kids. My step-son 15, our five year old son and our daughter two. My husband drinks five to six beers a night possible more. I don’t count them anymore. He is a good man and I love him dearly. I have told him for years that he really needed to stop drinking not just for himself but for our kids. He is very uninvolved with our kids. He will sit with them on the couch and watch a show with them but not much beyond that. Our 15 year old has tried to reach out to him more often than I can recall. He wishes his dad would do some of the things that other dads do. Like maybe camping, or a touch football game with the guys. I don’t know if this is just the man I married or if it has to do with alcohol. How do I make him understand what this is doing to our family (myself included). Not to mention his own body!!