Dr. Neill

How good are you at receiving? 

We are coming down the home stretch of a season that for most of us is filled with giving and receiving. With all the stress and increased financial pressure of family gift giving, we still try to open our hearts and our wallets to others in need.

But for giving to mean anything there have to be receivers. A receiver is different from a taker. We pay taxes, but we usually don’t think of ourselves as "giving" taxes. The government takes them. Perhaps the Receiver General or the IRS would be more honestly named the "Taker General." Paying taxes for services is an economic exchange, not giving and receiving.

Contrast the taxation exchange with donating to the Salvation Army Christmas food program. The less fortunate among us, who ultimately receive the food hampers, are receivers. They are aided by an army of givers of time, the volunteers. The volunteers accept our gifts of food and money on behalf of our community’s needy that otherwise might not be able to have a special holiday dinner.

No one is obligated to give. No one at the receiving end sees the gifts as owed to them. Giving and receiving creates an alternative or spiritual economy that supports churches, humanitarian organizations, women’s shelters and service clubs. Such service organizations raise both our collective consciousness and our standard of living.

In my experience good receivers make the best givers. The person who can accept a gift with grace and without any thought of obligation can then best give without conditions.

Have you had enough practice at receiving to be good at it? Or have you put all your emphasis of giving. I invite you to be curious about just how good you are at receiving?

•    If someone offers to pay for lunch, do you accept their generosity with grace and gratitude, or do you say, "I’ll pay the next time," turning it into an ordinary economic transaction.
•    If someone offers you a ride, do you minimize their gift with, "As long as you are going my way anyway."
•    When someone honours you with a gift, do you accept it graciously, or do you say, "Oh, I couldn’t…," or, "Oh, you shouldn’t have…"
•    Do you pick up a penny from the ground and give thanks for the gift of money, or do you ignore it with, "It’s only a penny?"
•    When someone expresses their appreciation for something you’ve done, do you graciously receive the gift of their appreciation, or do you minimize it by saying, "It was nothing."
•    Are you the person who waits on the rooftop for God to rescue you from the flood, but who has turned down the rescue van, the boat and the helicopter?

If you find that you resist receiving by refusing, minimizing, deflecting or turning it into an ordinary exchange, remember that you are denying pleasure to the giver.

As you learn to receive with the grace and gratitude of the spiritual act that it is, you will find that you give more easily and feel more fulfilled. It is a part of self growth.
 
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide.
www.neillneill.com
www.ConqueringAlcoholism.com