Neill Neill, Ph.D. 

Is it possible to have a marriage relationship unpolluted by criticism?

Answer: Yes.

Could a relationship without criticism be healthy?

Answer: Yes. (One of them would not have to be dead, as an uncle suggested to me when I was entering my first adult relationship.)

Could you express your emotions and strongly disagree about something and yet still not criticize?

Answer: Yes.

 

The Upward Spiral of Communion

When you first meet someone, you talk, you get to know each other, you find you like each other, and you both want to talk more. Communication, knowledge and affection lead to a deep connection between you, so I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level. There can be no criticism.

If he or she were to criticize you early in your relationship, it would break the connection and you would part. If you were to feel critical, you would just leave with a silent "I don’t need this."

Bear in mind that I’m talking about adult relationships, not the adolescent "I-can-change-him-after-we’re-married" version, or the "but-he-says-he’ll-change" version of relationships.

 

You Don’t Own Your Marriage Partner

Criticizing your marriage partner implies right of ownership and a right to control. You might believe you are responsible for your partner’s behaviour, and they might even buy into it. But you don’t. In fact I have met people who actually believe it’s their right to sit in judgment of everyone, including their spouse. What arrogance!

Criticism, sitting in judgment over your spouse, can kick start you down the slippery slope towards a codependent, enmeshed marriage. It sneaks up on you. The enmeshment of codependency leads to embarrassment, shame, family secrets, and a host of other dysfunctional behaviour that makes true intimacy impossible.

Criticism as a Pollutant within a Marriage

True intimacy has no agenda, but for both of you it is full acceptance and connection at mental, emotional, spiritual and physical levels. Criticism kills intimacy.

Unfortunately, the frustration of lack of intimacy in a relationship leads to more criticism and to alienation. 

 

Handling Disagreements without Criticism

Self care comes first. Both of you have gained a good understanding of and caring for your own needs as individual persons. You have each developed a strong sense of self.

From this base you are each comfortable with expressing your needs, desires, wants, dreams and emotions with each other. You each are genuinely interested hearing your partner’s words about anything, because that is how you stay connected.

When two people are able to maintain this level of communion, there is little place for criticism.

When your spouse’s behaviour upsets you, you express your upset. But at the same time you look inward to find the real cause of your upset. After all, it is your problem, not your partner’s. You are the one that’s upset.

On the other hand your spouse was just expressing feelings about something, not intending to upset you; so seeing your upset, he or she may make changes if appropriate.

It is only unsolicited feedback, read "criticism," that causes disconnection, alienation and the destruction of intimacy. With that in mind you can both ask for feedback on anything without fear of being judged.

If you are already in a relationship with criticism, do whatever you need to do to reverse that life-sucking slide towards alienation.

Just think of criticism as pollution in your marriage and make up your minds to go green.

Dr. Neill Neill, psychologist and columnist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, a drug and alcohol treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself towards a better life. http://www.neillneill.com

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