February 6, 2007
The Functioning Alcoholic Who Wants to Live with You
by Neill Neill, Ph.D.
Readers repeatedly ask me questions about their relationships with the functioning alcoholics in their lives. Today I will look at the case of the woman who is not yet living with her boyfriend, but wants to. She is concerned, however, about his alcohol consumption. It usually goes something like this:
"I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He says he’s a functioning alcoholic, with the stress on "functioning." I like the odd drink myself, but I can take it or leave it. We love each other and want to live together. Should I move in with him?" Signed, 29 and single
Well, 29 and single, it’s good that you are acknowledging right up front that there could be a problem. You show a healthy level of self esteem and confidence.
Obviously, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can raise some issues for you to think about, starting with the most important one. Ask yourself whether you can accept him exactly as he is without changes. You can’t change him, and you can’t expect him to change, regardless of what he may be promising. This is your primary test question. For the sake of your sanity don’t minimize its importance.
The next question is about him. What does he mean by "functioning?" He is probably a great boyfriend, but is he functioning well in other areas of his life, including his career, his relationships with his family and his social responsibilities like driving only when he hasn’t had a drink? Is he functioning as well as he could in all of these areas, or is he just getting by? And thirdly, can he stay healthy at his level of drinking, or will he die prematurely?
Satisfy yourself as to whether or not he is addicted to alcohol, that is, whether or not he is an alcoholic. Some drinkers overplay the alcoholic card; others underplay it. You could take the Alcoholism Test . TheAlcoholism Test is designed for someone who isn’t sure whether someone close to them is an alcoholic, but would like to know.
If all indications are that he has an addiction to alcohol, then recognize that his alcoholism will probably worsen over time. He may or may not become abusive as his alcoholism progresses, but at the very least you will suffer neglect. Another way of saying it is that you will gradually lose the competition with his other mistress, the bottle.
Whether or not he has progressed to alcoholism, he might want to go to a drug and alcohol treatment center for alcohol rehab. Even if he can stop drinking on his own, he will need help with the underlying issues that led to his drinking problem to start with. Otherwise, he remains very vulnerable to relapse. The best time for him to address his lifestyle issues is before you start living together. It’s much harder later.
What happens if he doesn’t clean up his drinking? The hard reality is that whether you know it or not, you are probably choosing between living separately now or living separately later… after a lot of heart ache.
Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com
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3 Comments »
Sherry Chinchic :
I am currently living with a "functioning alcoholic". I can tell you that he is okay most of the time until "NOW". We have been together for 9 months and going.
I’ve noticed a few alarming changes in the way he relates to me when drunk. He gets more defensive when asked something. He was not like that at the start of our relationship. He has become mean and distant. This is coming from a man that fell in love with me first. I was holding back on the "L word" until we knew each other better.
Any chance he can get is a reason to celebrate and have a party. He even had a birthday party for his cat! On Thanksgiving he was so drunk he fell down on the floor. It was really a downer because it was my birthday on that day. My Mom was here and it was really embarrasing.
He has black outs all the time, even though he says he can remember. I know he’s not telling the truth. Both of his parents passed away, but his brothers and sisters have welcomed me into the family and love me. They always say, thats the way he’s always been, he’ll be okay. I have constant worry when he gets this intoxicated. I have health problems and need to keep my stress level down. He was fun at first, now its getting old.
We were on vacation seeing my Dad fo 10 days over this Christmas and he did not want to drink due to the fact he was meeting my Dad for the first time. He just turned it off like a switch, he was fine. Then once we got home it was back to normal. He at least has a few beers a night, but more when he’s off for a few days.
I had a lousy New Years eve with him. He was passed out before 6:30 pm that evening. Thank God his family was there to celebrate with me, or I would have been all alone on our first New Years. They told me to let him sleep it off, and he’d wake up later. We tried all night to wake him, then finally about 15 minutes before midnight they woke him. As soon as the ball dropped and he ate something we spent the last few minutes of 2007 together. No ringing in the New Years with me. He had been 4-wheeling all afternoon with his brother and drinking. We had scarce time together that day.
Lately I’ve expressed my concerns to him about his chronic drinking. He says when its his time, its his time. His nose has been turning blue and he doesn’t care. Almost everyone in his family has drinking problems. I don’t believe in that "heredity crap" everyone talks about. My Mom is an "alcoholic" and I’ve never been a drinker. I think it all comes down to "controlling" your mind, body, and spirit.
He was not the man I thought he was. I’m glad we didn’t marry and I can walk away. He has 4 divorces under his belt. I know it probably played a large part of his 4 failed marriages. He blamed it all on the ex-wives, of course. I’m so sorry that I let myself fall into his trap. I really cared for this man, but cannot take it anymore. Its all hit the fan the last few days.
Today I’m looking for an apartment. He knows how I feel. He stays real quiet when I tell him its not working. I’ve payed my own way staying with him, (rent and food). I certainly wasn’t using him. I guess I was the one being played. Well, the game is over. I’d rather be alone than have constant worry about his health. I have cared way too much for him. I should have been alot smarter. I’m a fairly educated woman and 46 years old.
This is to warn everyone out there living with an "alcoholic". Thank you for reading my comments. The next time I have a love relationship I will definately be with somebody who is not a "functioning alcoholic". That is all a piece of crap. It is "being an alcoholic" just nice words that cover up a serious addiction…..
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hi Sherry,
Congratulations on taking care of yourself and not falling into the trap of enabling him like his family has always done.
You will get through this, but not without tears. And you are not waiting 10 years to do it, like so many have done. I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard the words, "I should have ended it 10 (or 5, or 20) years ago "
There is always hope in life. But sometimes hope lies on a path that leads you apart.
Neill
Grace :
I am really thankful to read this correspondence. It has answered some of my questions and given me fair warning and confirmation of my fear in my own situation. Sherry, you are not alone - unfortunately I can identify and I’m sure, co can countless others! Sad, isn’t it? What a waste of some really potentially good people and a waste of our time and energy!!!