March 20, 2007
Alcoholism and Marriage
"My Partner is a Functioning Alcoholic"
Being married to a functioning alcoholic is a big problem. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with the issue.
For a minority of people social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking could have started in a lot of different ways, but that’s not what’s important. What is important is that the drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not a hoot whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor.
Now your partner has shifted from enjoying a drink to compulsively needing alcohol to feel okay. And you may have shifted from being giving and caring to being addicted to your partner’s care. (Compulsive caretaking often grows alongside the deteriorating self-care of the compulsive drinker.)
If the alcoholic has more or less continued to hold down a job, he is politely called a "functioning alcoholic." But he is an alcoholic nonetheless. He works much below his potential, he neglects or abuses his family and he may not live very long if he continues the self-abuse.
Like all addicts he lies (bold faced lies, lies of omission, cover-ups, minimization), he makes excuses, he blames others for his drinking, and he continues to seek out and use alcohol regardless of consequences.
If there are children present, they copy the lying, justifying, blaming behavior which they see modeled. They also learn to keep family secrets and to cover for their alcoholic parent. In other words they join in the "dance of alcohol" and participate with their parents, learning how to be alcoholics or how to live with them when they grow up.
If you are an alcoholic and you are in a marriage, you may have to leave your drinking behind completely in order to gain any hope of reversing the progressive damage your alcoholism is inflicting on yourself and your family.
If you are living with an alcoholic, there are steps you can take too. Perhaps more importantly at first, there are things you can learn to avoid so that you don’t further your partner’s alcoholism. Making excuses for him, for example, only makes things worse. You don’t want to be an enabler or a rescuer.
Over the years in my psychology practice many women have started their first session with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." In the last few days alone two more women took the Alcoholism Test and left a comment opening with "My husband is a functioning alcoholic." I seldom see or hear the statement without also sensing an undertone of desperation and frustration, as if to say, I didn’t bargain for this when we got married.
Some time ago I started to write a "survival guide" for women caught in the predicament of a marriage troubled with alcoholism. It is now available as the book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman’s Survival Guide. Although it is addressed to women who live with alcoholic husbands, it could be addressed to men with alcoholic wives. Whether you are a man or a woman, your hope begins with educating yourself about the alcohol abuse. Like all personal change, it starts with you.
Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com
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13 Comments »
Katherine :
Hmmm..not sure about the “…there’s hope yet…and it starts with you.” I have been in and out of therapy for 2 years as the wife of a functioning alcholic whom will not believe/agree that he is an alcoholic. The damage it has done to me, despite learning coping mechanisms, learing to combat co-dependancy and protect my daughter and his from his previous marriage from witnessing destructive behaviours as much as possible has been, I feel, insurmountable. I would ask yourself why you are putting saving the marriage before the health and welfare and the opportunity to live as a fulfilling live as possible of you and any children? I’m not out of the woods yet, though seperated for 10 months I feel ‘compelled’ to stay in the relationship - just ’safe’ enough to stay yet not free to life a fulfilling life. And yes, I recognise this is my doing, my being compliant to the co-dependancy I have developed. My long-term friends no-longer recognise me from who I once was…and I want that woman back…it’s a long road and I’m not so sure that it can be a journey travelled by two.
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hi Katherine,
If I have given you the impression that I put the marriage ahead of health, safety and life fulfillment, I apologize. Safety comes first, absolutely. If you are doing the work on yourself, and it appears you have been, then it may be time to ask yourself “Can I accept this man as my partner as he is?” If the answer is “no,” then perhaps it’s time to walk (or even run.)
What I wrote arose from the fact that so many people start with blaming their partner’s drinking for their unhappiness and end the marriage without taking a look at themselves. The choice is to look inside of yourself now or to do it later in your next marriage. Ugh!
My wife and I have each been in three long-term marriages. We are now in our 27th year with each other. No, it often cannot be a “journey travelled by two” until it’s the right two.
And one more thing: give yourself a big boost by replacing “coping” and “combating” with “transforming.”
I hope this have been of some help.
Neill
Linda :
I never thought that marriage would be like this. There’s rarely any communication between us. As for sex,I can totally live without it because I can never compete with the attention and care that he seems to give to his bottle. Of course he seems to maintain his sexual drive because I continue to be that loving wife, even though I feel so alone. Even though my husband is a functioning alcoholic as far as work is concerned and paying bills, he isn’t functioning when it comes to this marriage. And sadly I’ve been advised by an older christian women, that I should be thankful that my husband drinks at home and pays the bills but by knowing the God I serve, my God has told me that I have a right to expect more out of my marriage. Marriage to me is complete intimacy of the heart and soul. Therefore I hold no bitterness towards that older lady’s advise.
kristin :
i feel exactly the same way that Linda feels, I would love to run, but I can’t afford to do it financially. It would take me a few years to pay down debt to get to the point of being able to afford to be on my own with my girls…
Tom :
I have been in a marriage for 28 years with an alcoholic spouse. She was sexually abused by her older brother when she was a small child for several years. That is where the problem begins, however. I have been the enabler and finally I am starting to try and change my behavior. I have made it way to easy for her to continue her drinking. I am now getting my ducks lined up to end this dreaded nightmare.
Dr. Neill Neill :
Dear Tom,
You note serves as a reminder that there are many alcohol-distressed marriages out there where the alcoholic is the woman, not the man. Thank you.
Neill
Justin :
I have scoured the web for information like this and appreciate the forum. I have, within the last 4 days separated households from my Wife, who will admit to "managing all issues in her life with alcohol", but will patently deny she has an alcohol dependency problem, and refused to address it - as far as she is concerned, it is not a problem for her. I have been asking her to address the problem for almost 3 years, nothing has changed, recently it has gotten worse. As I read many posts from websites, it seems that is a common theme that rings loud and clear from those that have the courage to exit their situations, which is "I can’t believe I have stayed so long", they wish they would have left years earlier and they are healing and finding happiness. I have been out for a few days and already feel relieved, sad for sure, but when I think about going home tonight I am looking forward to it, not necessarily to being alone, but not being degraded and ignored by a drunk Wife who does not consider me in anyway.
If you are on the edge of leaving, if you are out of ideas and getting no encouragement from the offender, my advice is follow through on your instincts - you can’t ever get the time back and you will wake up one day (if you stay in the relationship) and be too old to care about the quality of the rest of your life. I feel like I am healing by the minute
Tom :
Justin,
Thanks for the note. I can’t believe how difficult life can be when your partner is an alcoholic. Thank you for the comment, I do appreciate it. I wish you the best.
Thank you
Tom
Lori :
My husband and I have been married 11 years this January. He has been an alcoholic for the entire time I have known him. He stopped drinking for about 3 years but started back I think around 2 years ago. I am finding myself scared and at the end of my rope. My father passed away in December (almost 1 year ago) and I have been trying to cope with that. My husbands drinking and inappropriate behavior over the last year has felt like a slap in the face. In January and March I found him texting and having lunch with 2 different women. And the drinking as become completely out of control. He was hospitalized about 6 years ago with Pancreatitis and could have died. At that time he was drinking over a 5th of vodka a day (everyday, even at work). This time he has gotten on Jim Beam. I am finding countless (empty) 1/2 gallons of Jim Beam around the house. I love my home and don’t want to leave, but I can’t afford it on my own. I know I need to leave. I do love him, but I feel more like his mother than his wife. He is drunk all the time and seems like a small child in his behavior. He talks slow, his gaze is glassy and out of focus, he stumbles, and forgets things. We have a 9 year old daughter that I feel so guilty about subjecting to this lifestyle. I know this is the time to do it. We just refinanced our house and paid off everything we had financed together except the house. We could sell it, split the money and be done. I am just so afraid to take that step. We were separated once before for 11 months when she was around 2 years old. We got back together because I couldn’t stand to leave her with him and it was easier to just be there with her. I am only 33 years old and I feel like I am wasting my life and probably damaging my child’s as well. What makes things worse is my husband is a law enforcement officer and I don’t want to ruin his reputation. He needs help, but I can’t do it anymore. His father is his best friend and he is just as much an alcoholic and really responsible for starting the whole mess. I guess I just need some encouraging advice. I feel so alone since my dad died, just really really depressed and hurt. I feel so hurt that he would put me through so much extra pain, on top of the loss I have to cope with already.
Thanks.
Lori
Chris Hill :
On 22nd December I finally “cracked” and kicked my husband out. We have been together for 21 1/2 years, married for 18 1/2 and have two sons, 15 and 12. He has been an alcoholic for that whole time but the abuse escallated in the last few years after someone committed suicide by jumping under his truck. I tried everything I could to help him, not realising how codependant I was being. I got so stressed towards the end, that I was getting physically ill. My health problems over the last few years include depression, migraines, back ache, stomach pains etc. As soon as he left those problems have been vastly improved! His health has deteriorated so much over the last few years that he is impotent and has liver problems ( nearly cirrosis). He has chosen to keep drinking, rather than go through rehabilitation and counselling so that we can live together again. We are both children of alcoholics and I think we attracted each other because of it. Finally I am putting myself and my children first and not letting him drag us down any further. Financially I will be better off - he was spending $300 - $450 per week on booze - no wonder we were going backwards! If anyone reads this, please know that you Can do it - you can leave him/her and have a better life. No matter how much you try to fix them, the alcohol will always win in the end. Good luck
Leigh Kapidus :
So…what are the literal steps when you want to leave an alcoholic husband?
Find a divorce lawyer? Find an apt? Trade in your car for an undistinguishable car?
What do you do first, second, third???
Obviously, I’m about to leave but want to know what to do when to benefit and protect me most. Any stories on that?
Dr. Neill Neill :
Hi Leigh,
Every woman’s situation is unique, but the first thing to do is decide whether you will be in any danger. Women are most at risk of being harmed by their partners at the point of leaving and during the first year or so afterwards. This decision will have a bearing on everything else.
Next, find and talk to a lawyer and work out a strategy for separation.
When everything is in place, make your move. Sometimes it’s best to do it when he’s away, but you will have worked that out with your lawyer.
One woman I know moved out with the children to a safe house, immediately got a court order to get him out of the house and her and kids back in, got a restraining order and changed the locks. In another case she had to move half way across the country for her safety, and work through a lawyer and family members to get her due.
It usually comes down to this: work out a plan as if you are single, then do it. It’s not about winning an argument, it’s about taking charge of your life again.
I hope this has been of some help. Best wishes.
Neill
Stacy :
My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years. We’ve been together for 6 and have known each other for 15. He’s mentioned a handful of times in the past 6 years that he feels he’s an alcoholic. I’ve known this the entire time we’ve been together. He comes from a very abusive past, has struggled with low self esteem (which I feel has actually gotten better). However, He cycles - about every 4 - 5 months he hits a low. While in the “low” he drinks every night, excesively (8+ microbrews). And this happens for about a month, then things get better and he’s back to 3 or 4 beers a night, he’s happier. During during his “cycle” it’s impossible to talk to him. He gets very defensive (NEVER abusive). He just closes up and drinks. He becomes emotionless, sometimes overly sensitive.
This is very difficult for me because our marriage will be great, and then all of a sudden it crashes during this time, then after a coule weeks or so it’s great again. I don’t know if what i’m doing is enabling this cylce or what. I know that a huge part of this is his drinking. I’ll try to talk to him about it when things are good and he just says that he loves the taste of beer and then he can’t go without it. He doesn’t see this as a cycle. He usually just blames this on something I’ve done, maybe it is, but it isn’t entirely. I really think that root of the issue is his self esteem. I do get very impatient when he starts drinking exsively.
I should also include that He is very responsible. He just started his own business, he takes his work very seriously. Never has he missed work due to a hangover or anything like that. That’s another reason why it’s hard to bring it up. He’s very responsible, yet he clearly has a drinking problem. He refusing to seek help.
I’ve been spending time on this site, thank you all for providing your comments, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone. This is the first time that I’ve branched out and gone to a site like this for help in understanding alcoholism. Any comments would be so meaning. Thank you.