Dr. Neill Neill

I recently read a touching post from an internet friend and artist, Janine. Thank you, Janine, for baring your soul and inspiring me to write this post.

Janine paints beautiful abstracts and is also an excellent photographer. She displayed her work at a craft fair and sold only two small pieces, and those to a fellow exhibitor. She is passionate about her work, but she lost money on the show.

Janine has some medical problems which limit her ability to pursue regular work. That, combined with the craft fair failure, led her to say,

"I feel such a failure as a human being… At the moment I am fighting doubts about what I am doing and have a sense of continued failure."

Janine, you are not unique in your struggle with disappointment and the absence of external validation for what you do. In fact, it is the core problem that most of my clients have when they come to me for help.

The universal complaint seems to be, "What I am doing isn’t working. What do I need to do? What should I do differently?" Whether their problem is interpersonal conflict, marital boredom, a failing business, health problems, panic attacks, job loss, functional alcoholism, rejection as an artist, or living with an alcoholic, people want to know what to do.

Who among us cannot say we’ve been there at some time or other? I certainly have. As a university teacher I struggled with whether or not that’s what I should be doing. I didn’t feel accepted. I agonized over "what to do" as my previous marriages faltered.

Then I began to realize that the more fundamental question is, "Who am I?" I began to notice that the people who were really successful at life, whatever their role, knew who they were and acted from an internal place. The word "integrity" comes to mind.

Who you are at your core doesn’t change much over time. Doing something, however, may be just a fleeting activity.

Consider two teachers who retire from teaching. One has terrible problems with retirement, because she had allowed her teaching position to define her. Retirement means losing her identity. She no longer knows who she is and she feels lost. In contrast, the other goes on to a happy, productive retirement. Her identity as a person is intact; she knows who she is and what her life is about. She loved teaching, but it did not define her. There is much more to her than her former teaching role.

Many of the greats of art and literature created their legacies with little external validation. Their works flowed from their being. Many of their paintings were never purchased, nor were their books published. But they knew who they were, and we are their beneficiaries.

The message is clear: the key to knowing what to do is to go inside and find out who you really are. What makes you tick? What are your strengths? What are you passionate about or could be passionate about? What are the internal blocks you need to clear away in order to be who you want to be? What are the internal obstacles to having an unshakable sense of self worth? If you need help, get it.

As you really get to know yourself, knowing what to do will increasingly flow from your being rather than from external validation. As you act from who you are, your self growth will become unstoppable. Acting from being is fundamentally an exercise in spiritual growth.

So Janine and everyone else out there struggling with what to do, heed Socrates’ admonition, "Know yourself," and what Shakespeare said about 2000 years later, "This above all: to thine own self be true." Then will you know what to do.

Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist and Diplomate, Comprehensive Energy Psychology, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com