Dr. Neill Neill

It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.

What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.

Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!

To add to their pain, they are being further traumatized by an institution and its institutional rules. It is an unfortunate truth that many victims of trauma are later re-traumatized by the institutions they must deal with.

When I’m working with people to help them heal from trauma, we often have to spend significant time clearing the subsequent trauma they experienced from insurance companies, ambulance services, hospitals, the legal system, Department of Veterans Affairs and sometimes families.

Even if everyone involved has the intention to be sensitive and helpful, the victims of trauma often become re-traumatized anyway. With their suffering compounded, the grieving and recovery period is extended.

One of the biggest risks for a family who has lost a child is marriage failure. The progression of emotions from grief to fear, anxiety, hostility, resentment and anger will arise inevitably during the grieving and healing process. It’s natural and necessary and healthy.

The problem is that many people don’t recognize one or more of these emotions as part of the healing process. When you start feeling anger, an important sign of the healing, you think there is something wrong with you.

To make matters worse, when someone else sees your anger, they too may think there is something wrong with you and tell you not to feel that way. If that other person is your spouse, the two of you could be in big trouble.

To compound matters even further each person has their own way of handling these negative emotions.

• One person may cry and yell a lot. Their partner’s style may be to bury the pain and become stoic, seeming  distant and shut-down.
• One may need to preserve the child’s room as if he were still present. The other may find seeing pictures and toys unbearable and want to get rid of any reminders of the child who’s gone.
• One may accuse the other of prolonging the misery. The other may think their partner isn’t grieving and doesn’t care.

In the normal flow of life these kinds of things can usually be worked out, but they can become too much to bear when added to the loss of their child. Tragically, couples who have lost a child often separate and divorce to reduce the pain. Unable to understand their natural anger, they direct it at each other.

To the mother and father of the lost child, I encourage you to be patient and accepting of your partner during this period of a year or more. This is not a time for judgment, no matter how accusatory your thoughts may be running.

And to everyone else in their world, listen, let them know you care, help them practically, and above all be patient and nonjudgmental. They can get through this darkest period of their lives and move on to rebuilding their life together. And if they make it through this, they can handle anything.

Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist and Diplomate, Comprehensive Energy Psychology, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com