Romantic couple drinking a toast to their many years together
The Good
A cool drink is so refreshing and mellowing on a hot day! It melts away the busyness of the day. It’s a great relaxant after a stressful day at work. It’s the universal social lubricant when people get together for fun or celebration.
It also helps you postpone having to face present realities like an unhappy marriage, a dead-end job or feelings of guilt about something you’ve done…or not done. Alcohol can help you keep past traumas in the background, rather than in-your-face.
In general, alcohol helps to reduce fear, the universal emotion underlying all other negative emotions.
Stats Canada estimated that drinking was responsible for saving over 2500 lives in 2006.
The Bad
Drinking alcohol is an isolating activity. When drinking, talking increases and listening decreases. Genuine communication and intimacy all but disappear. As time passes your drinking reduces your emotional connections to your spouse and family. Family needs are neglected.
Alcohol can kill you in 60 different ways. With ongoing overuse of alcohol, there is increased risk of deteriorating health and death. My daughter enjoyed her alcohol. She worked and she stayed married, but she died suddenly at 51 when her liver and other organs shut down.
Alcohol impairment begins with the first sip, and the first casualty is usually your judgment. You rapidly become less able to judge your level of impairment. This could lead to a decision to get behind the wheel. Sober, you could probably handle a difficult life situation, but impaired, you attempt suicide. Alcohol is involved in a very large proportion of suicides.
Ongoing alcohol abuse, whether via daily drinking or weekend excess, can lead to becoming alcohol dependent, that is, becoming an alcoholic.
Stats Canada estimated that drinking was responsible for over 9000 deaths in 2006.
The Ugly
“But I can’t help it.” “Alcohol runs in my family.” “My wife doesn’t understand me.” “I have a chronic disease called alcoholism.” “My life sucks, so it’s my only pleasure.” “It’s not my fault.” “She made me do it.” “We were just having fun.” “I’m a functioning alcoholic, so there’s no problem.” “I was okay, but the cop was out to get me.” “No one can help me.” “But everybody drinks.” “I work and support us, so my drinking is your problem, not mine.”
The alcoholic, from the high functioning alcoholic professional to the skid row alcoholic, has every excuse in the book for continuing to live as a victim of life, rather than taking charge. The thought of not being a victim is loaded with fear for the alcoholic.
The alcoholic who refuses to give up victimhood is saying in effect, “If I were to stop drinking and really clean up my life, I would have to give up all this ‘poor me’ stuff and take responsibility for my attitudes, feelings, emotions, beliefs and behaviors. I would have to make a lot of choices and changes, and the thought of all that at my age (30? 70?) is terrifying. It’s easier to just stay a victim of life. Where’s the beer?”
I invite you to reflect on the role alcohol plays in your life and your spouse’s life, good, bad or ugly.
Print 
PDF
“If I were to stop drinking and really clean up my life, I would have to give up all this ‘poor me’ stuff and take responsibility for my attitudes, feelings, emotions, beliefs and behaviors. I would have to make a lot of choices and changes, and the thought of all that at my age (30? 70?) is terrifying. It’s easier to just stay a victim of life. Where’s the beer?”
This above statement is my husband exactly. Every downfall, financial loss, anger, resentment is an excuse for alcohol. If that doesn’t work, it is a physical pain killer. It’s the bad back, knee pain or the people around him, predominantly me that make him drink.
He has truly sacrificed his family. He has isolated himself, but he has also isolated his family. It is because of his actions that we feel uncomfortable having our friends or family over unless there is advance warning, otherwise it leads to embarrassment.
As for the decline of health, despite brain surgery, caused by excess alcohol, he continues his addiction.
After reading Codependency and Alcohol Addiction I felt compelled to order your book. I am hoping it will help me in my search for a happier life. When I married my second husband, I knew he drank too much. My dad was a binge alcoholic and we had none in the house growing up. He drank away from home. I have a brother and sister who are now sober. I just quit drinking 2 weeks ago as I realized I was falling into the trap. Now things look even worse and my husband is mad that I have quit. No one to drink at home with.
The last year has been the worst. He drinks everyday after work, at least 10 beers or more, and days off he starts about 10am and drinks all day. His health is bad and he also smokes a pack a day. I quit that a year ago so at least I know I have willpower. He doesn’t shower as much as he should, doesn’t brush his teeth daily, is losing weight because eating cuts into his buzz. He has had blood in his urine and stool and I know his stomach is bothering him. Yet he refuses to cut back. Sometimes he says he will and that lasts a couple days and he is back into his old routine. He verbally abuses me when he is drunk but I have learned to not feed into it by not fighting back. He blames me for us not having a bigger bank account as I have 2 horses. But he spends well over $600 a month on alcohol and cigarettes and I make more money than he does.
We have a beautiful home and new cars and a life that should be ideal. But he is willing to throw it away. He hangs out with other drinkers and pot smokers and I came home to a houseful sometimes. He denies saying hurtful things to me the next day and I am thinking about recording his drunken tirades so he can hear himself. I worry about him drinking and driving which is why sometimes I buy him beer on the way home to protect myself should he go out and have an accident.
I have divorce paperwork all made out and notarized to go to court but I haven’t had the courage to go through with it. We do nothing together unless it involves alcohol. If we go anywhere he has to have a couple beers first and then one for the ride. He does no yard or housework and can sit on the deck with friends drinking and watch me mow the lawn. Although I still love the man I first met, I now resent him for what I have become and for not caring about his life. He has cost us thousands of dollars in lawyer fees from “drunken mistakes” and I am waiting for the next one. There is a part of me that thinks I am just waiting for him to die. And that is sad. I am just hoping I can maintain myself and goals to see me through.
My new husband has been keeping his alcohol use to a minimum for the last 6 months when we got engaged – mainly because we discussed his drinking and he agreed to. He didn’t get drunk every time he drank – sometimes he could stop at a few beers and be just fine – then other he’d not know when to stop. He knows when he drinks too much – it is not good! But here we are just 4 days after our wedding and he got drunk last night and said some things that were pretty hard to hear. This morning he of course apologized and said he’d stop (again).
We have dated for almost 7 years before getting married. I had seen a slow steady increase in his drinking – that is until he asked me to marry him. That’s when he decided to pay more attention and not over do it.
I am really not sure what to do now ….we are married and I live with him now. I think we need counseling. How do I suggest it? He’s better than this!
Hi Kim,
Dr. Neill appreciates your comments and how you all help one another! He is very grateful to provide this forum and all the feedback he receives! However, Dr. Neill is not able to give advice in this public forum. If you need his help, please refer to his consultations page: http://www.neillneill.com/consultations. He uses Skype or telephone to make consulting more convenient. Also, you may find his book, “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide” as a great resource. You can find it here: http://drneillneill.com/