Addiction to a drug like alcohol develops gradually. Drinking alcohol may start out as social fun, or it may from the beginning be a way of escaping pain and difficulty. Sometime I think of it as one of dissociation’s helpers, because alcohol helps a person to split off from reality. But that’s an idea for another post.
The point is that people cannot know whether alcohol has become an addiction until they are deprived of it, either through circumstance or through an attempt to quit drinking.
Usually if a person is addicted to alcohol and then deprived of it, he or she will experience intense cravings and a lot of negative emotion ranging from fear to anger to remorse. Along with the sadness there may be physical withdrawal effects like pain and flu-like symptoms and much worse. These won’t be present if there is no addiction.
If an alcoholic man lives in a family, his self-destructive behaviour will be obvious to his family, especially to his wife. She may or may not be subjected to abusive behavior, but she certainly will be subjected to neglect.
Her response to the drinking may be to make excuses for him to the kids, argue with him about his drinking, and constantly fret about what he is doing to himself and what risks he is subjecting his family to. She may avoid making any family plans because of the uncertainty about what condition he will be in.
“If his life is about alcohol, hers is about looking after an alcoholic.”
What is happening is that she is becoming addicted to her husband’s rescue and care. If his life is about alcohol, hers is about looking after an alcoholic. She can’t back away from her addiction any easier than he can back away from his. Her attempts at leaving are fraught with guilt and shame, so she is back to doing what she does best, just as he is back at the bottle after another failed attempt to quit drinking.
Alcoholism affects everyone in the family. It’s an unfortunate twist that often one of the children somehow takes on the responsibility of saving mom from dad, protecting her, making sure she is OK, and even praying that she would leave dad so they could have some peace. This of course is a horrible responsibility for any child to have to take on.
What’s worse is that the child’s taking on responsibility for mom often becomes an addiction, just as mom’s taking responsibility for her alcoholic husband had become an addiction.
For the child this addiction is extremely hard to break and it often lasts the mother’s lifetime, even if the parents have separated and the father has stopped drinking. I often see 40-year-old women with families of their own, who are still addicted to and obsessing about the wellbeing of their 60-year-old mothers.
These addictive or codependent relationships can develop between any family members. Even natural parental responsibility for children can develop into codependency when the children become adults and a parent can’t let go.
As always, the healing process begins with self-awareness.
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Hi, Thanks for very good article on Alcoholism. I am making a list of articles on Smoking and Drinking problems to help my friends. I have successfully added a link to your article
I just wanted to tell my story. I’m 21 years old and married to an alcoholic. My father is also an alcohlic. I hated my dad growing up and now I don’t have much communication with him, although I only live about 3 miles away. He was not physically abusive, but emotionally. My brother and I both have cystic fibrosis, which I think made things worse. I used to lay in bed at night and pray to God that my parents would get a divorce. I cried myself to sleep countless times over the years and still do. I was always scared that my dad would hurt my mom when I was not around, so I tried to stay around as much as possible. If I stayed with a friend, I would worry about my mom and brother and what was happening at home. I moved out about a week after I turned 18. It took a lot of courage, but I thought my then boyfriend was better than being at home. I worried so much the first 6 months about my dad hurting my mother that I would be sick to my stomach. We were married shortly after. Before we lived together, he was more of a social drinker. But for the past 2 years, he has drank nearly every single day. He usually gets drunk. He also smokes weed every single day. Because of this he is currently unemployed. He has to quit jobs when drug test come up. Therefore I have to work full time to have health insurance although my health is starting to decline. I can’t depend on him to keep a job long enough to have insurance for me. He doesn’t think he has a problem. I want to leave him so bad, but I can’t force myself to leave. I finally thought I had the courage to leave last week, but when I started to leave, he threathened to kill himself so I stayed. I know I should have left anyways. Sometimes I just wish I would hurry up and die because I feel like being dead is better than this. I know if I ever do leave, I’ll just have to live with my parents and have to put up with my alcohlic father again. In the 18 years I lived there, not one single day went by that he didn’t get falling down drunk. My brother, who is 19, is also starting to get drunk alot. The alcohol has had a very bad effect on his health. I don’t mean to sound morbid, but both of our lives are probably half over and I don’t know what either of us did to deserve the life we’ve been dealt. I have never feared for my safety with my husband, but here lately he has been threatening violence against me. He makes little comments to me like “if you say one more word, then I’ll tell the cops it was self-defense” or “you say one more word, and you’re putting yourself in a man’s position.” The thing is, I don’t yell at him, I’m usually crying when this happens and telling him I’m sorry. I always apoligize when I tell him how I feel and he gets mad. I really hate myself to.
I’ve been with my husband for 4 n half years. He is a alcoholic and crack user.
I know I have an addiction or some unbelievable compulsion towards him. He has hit, stolen, lied, disappointed and has made my life crazy. I always kick him out and leave, then miss him and take him back. Whats wrong with me? NOW I JUST TOLD HIM THIS IS THE END AGAIN. I moved out of my apartment for other reasons. I’m looking for apartment but meanwhile moved in with my ex husband and 4 children.He is now going away to a program he still wants to know if I will wait for him. How can I ever believe he will get better. We’ve been through it so many times. The promises him being good for awhile, but it always goes back . I’m not an angel. My mouth can be very hurtful because I’m so hurt .Everyone says you have to let him go. I do deserve more than a bone thrown to me every once in awhile. All I want is to love him and know he will always come home, keep a job and love me. I know he loves me, but the drug problem is much bigger than him . I just keep repeating the same stuff over and over .
Do I just go through the pain of letting him go ? Or do I spend the rest of my life living like this that’s my choice. I wish I could just hate him forever, but he is like a drug to me. Help !!!! I can’t imagine him being with someone else. I cant think or know how to end it or just be strong enough to start taking care of me . I love him, but he makes my life so crazy, to say the least, but I keep inviting it in. I wish he could just get it, but I know its not that easy. He has to want it and fight for it.
Any suggestions out there?
sara and lisa
Both of you could try the al-anon program, I have tried it and it helps build your self esteem back up, so that if it is the right choice to leave and Dr. Neill explains, that we (me included are co-dependent) we are attached to their care, and the only way to break the cycle is go. Hopefully sara, there is somewhere else if you search, a share flat with someone else, who could halve the cost of things for you. It is so hard and they promise us the world but eventually you realise that is all they can give is promises.
god bless
shaz