In my previous post, Alcoholism: Addiction with a Twist, I commented on how addiction can lead to addictive or co-dependent relationships. I ended with,
“The benefits to all of overcoming an addiction to the wellbeing of another are far reaching, but as always, the healing process begins with awareness.”
Awareness alone doesn’t remove the problem, but it may produce a road map to wholeness. And with wholeness can come real intimacy.
Codependency is full of opposites
Imagine a husband and wife where the man is addicted to alcohol and the woman is addicted to him and his well-being. She has an intense pull towards her husband. She loses herself in the intensity of the need to care for him. On the other hand she has a strong need to pull away from him and get a life for herself.
We have all seen it: one of them leaves and comes back, and then leaves again and comes back again. There seems to be no middle ground. It’s either total enmeshment or complete cut-off.
What isn’t well understood is that the cut-off is just as much a part of codependency as the enmeshment. With the under-functioning alcoholic, compulsive drinking and compulsive abstinence are two sides of the same coin, and compulsive abstinence does not “cure” the alcoholism. Similarly, distancing from the alcoholic spouse will not cure the codependency. She is still over-functioning to compensate for his under-functioning. Although sex may be great or mediocre, there is little real intimacy between the two beings.
A recipe for staying stuck
What is the effect of the codependency on the under-functioning, alcoholic husband? To put it bluntly, he stays stuck in his alcoholism. When she’s there and enmeshed with him, he has no incentive to change. When she distances herself, he declares his undying love and gives a hint of cleaning up. Nothing really changes, nor can it change as long as the non-alcoholic partner continues to overcompensate for the partner’s shortcomings.
Helping yourself
If you are wondering whether you have codependent tendencies, just ask yourself,
“Am I more of an expert on what he needs than on what I need?”
If your answer is “yes,” then you are probably to some degree in the midst of a codependent relationship.
If you have become an expert on what your partner needs and are not really clear about your own needs as a person, you are a part of the dysfunction and are helping to hold it in place. The good news is that this understanding gives you a roadmap to find your way out.
Your central task if you want to overcome your addictive/co-dependent tendencies is your own self-development. I’m not talking joining the gym or taking up a hobby. I refer to your doing whatever it takes to become an expert on yourself and your soul’s purpose.
When you have gained an understanding of and caring for who you are, independent of other people, and have developed your practice of self-care so it has become second nature, and you no longer turn to jelly or rage when an under-functioning person tries to suck you in, then you are capable of real intimacy with another.
And who knows, when you are no longer are a part of his dysfunction, he may change too.
PDF 
Categories: 
Tags: 
Why do you name your book "Living with a Functional Alcoholic: A woman’s guide" and assume that MEN don’t need help in living with a functional alcoholic??? My soninlaw is in a living hell with a functional alcoholic/he being a lifelong "codependent" personality and my grandchildren and I are in the middle of this sick mess. What do you have for HIM and me as a grandmother???
Dear Charlotte, I realize that many men are in the same predicament your son-in-law is in and I intend to address this in my next book. I had to start somewhere, but I can understand your frustration. In the meantime, realize that many of the principles are the same and so are some of the details.
I have been living with a funtioning alcoholic for two years and I am codependent on him. Recently I have told him I am moving out. Of course this did not get a reaction from him and he thinks I am crying wolf, again. I am closing on my house this week and I am ready to make a fresh start. I feel tremondously guilty, because of course he claims he loves me and things will change and he doesn’t have a problem.
Will your book help me to make a fresh start after leaving the alcoholic or can you make a suggestion for one that will. thank you
Hi Renee.
Absolutely. If you are codependent, as you say you are, the guidance in the book may help you keep your resolve and not go back, only to do it all again.
Love and blessings,
Neill
Dr. Neill
I recently married an alcoholic (1 year). To my surprise, the whiskey bottles are hidden randomly thru out the home. The drinking has increase since moving in, along with the verbal abuse. I have demanded that I not be a part of this life style, wether it be the drinking/passing out/neglect/mistrust/verbal abuse/making and breaking up cycle. Alcohol is destructive and all consumping, the reasons for drinking are masked to protect the guilty and insecure. The drinking lead to physical abuse, in front of my four children. So, considering the responsibility I have to myself and my four children, I have left. Demanding that he get help, holding to the principal. He has sought help – two meetings/counselling. He insist that he needs me home to help him get thru this and that he is not drinking. I want to go home, be a good wife/partner/supporter, however I will not until I know that he is not drinking anymore. How can I tell if he is not drinking? We talk at night (on the phone) and he seems fine, however I could not tell he was drinking all the time when I lived with him.
Does he know what he has done to us and our family, the kids, our marriage. Only when sober, right?
I am not sure I want to fight the battle of sobbering up and the cycles assoicated with the process. I am not sure if I want to put my young kids thru this mess, based upon an ‘IF’ he get sober. I am a mother and “IF’ does not work. I love him and I am trying this ‘tuff love’ thing with him, and it is hard. What book should I read? Thanks
I am just too overwhelmed right now because I know I have been married to an alcoholic for over 30 years.. I see after reading your inforomation how I am codependent and have made the drinking sooo much easier for him. Oh my goodness.
He has decided to leave me since I started to change and he feels that I am mean to him. I suppose some days I was I had little self respect left and no self respect for him…
During our marriage he always said it was not a problem because he could go to work, no big deal. He could stay away from the bottle for 3 nights and drink like crazy the other 4..
Funny no one really knew he was drunk but me. And I began to feel I was loosing it. Now I see that it wasn’t me it happens all the time.. He could always go to work he never drove the children anywhere until because he was always drunk after dinner. He promised me oh so many things and never remembered in the morning.. Oh you know the drill. So I became verbaly abusive and I regret that now, I should never have gone that route. I have aplolgized many times.
My question to you is: he has started to date my best freind and she hates drinking so he is not going to drink any more (so he says), he still drinks at home but not with her.. Can he really just stop like that??? She knows of his problem but she says she can change him, she won’t have booze in the house.. ps I do not see my friend any longer.. and soon I wil have little to do with my soon to be exhusband after I move out.. If I sound bitter I am not really> I am just upset that things should have been different and I did not know how to do that. I would always say if he drinks 2 glasses of rum before the 10 beer then I will leave and I did not, oaky if he drinks 3 glassses of rum etc but I did not until he was drinking 4 to 5 tumblers of rum each night and then the beer………
Oh I seem to be on a role. I used to pour out the rum and out in water to dilute the effects. I tried to get him to eat al big meal but he soon caught on and said he had a big lunch.. Oh so many trics i tried but to no avail.. Maybe this time he will stop for her.. He appears to really love her..
My boyfriend of three years finally went to rehab, he’s been out two weeks, and he’s not stuck to his plan. He hasn’t had a drink, he’s been doing online aa, and he is going to a therapist tomorrow. He says he will go to an aa meeting soon, but hasn’t been to one since he left rehab.
I am wondering what hope do we have for a future together. Where can I get information if I am a girlfriend. Everything I read is geared toward people who are married, but nothing regarding a long term relationship. His original intent to get help was to have a normal life, period, but also to have the ultimate goal of us having a life together.
Now he’s getting help, and he says he’s not sure what will happen to us, but that he needs to work on himself first. I don’t disagree that he needs to work on himself first, at all.
However, I am confused as to why his goal of spending a life with me and my children would/should change.
Do you have any suggested reading for me?
Thanks!
Dear Carolyn,
If he is still drinking at home, it’s probably an indication of his continued addiction. His girlfriend is deluding herself to think she can change him.
He will change if he wants to change. The jury is still out on that, and for your own sanity, you need to be not on that jury. You saw changes in him when you changed and started looking after yourself. A marriage ending is a whopper of a change. Maybe he will change, getting whatever help he needs. Many have done it. Some people can stop,"just like that." I did.
But I needed and got a lot of help in adjusting lifestyle, dealing with old trauma and changing attitude after I stopped. However, he has to find that out for himself.
I hope this has been of some help.
Neill
Hello,
my question is the following:
When do I know I can not help my wife getting out of alcohol, when should I look for my own well being?
she has black outs every month once, she drinks almost every day 2 glasses of wine. she has become angry and she got physical with me every time she has blackouts, what are the legal issues when she gets physical? what can I do when this happens?
Dear Dr.Neill Neill,
I am involved with a woman who is an alcoholic. We have have been together for over a year and have had many ps and downs.
I feel like I have ‘lost’ myself in this so-called relationship. She is the one who always calls the shots and is sometimes nice to me while other times not. She is 50 and has bee drinking for 35 years.
I have constantly pulled away from her and said good bye over and over again…but continue to come back. I do love her and she loves me…she says as a friend…while I love her more than as a friend. The last few months we have stopped being ‘intimate’ and see each other occasionally.We e-mail often and talk on the phone often.
The last few months I have been verbally abusive to her and keep on threatening to leave but never do so. She is always trying to blame me for having anger management problems. I feel crazy. I have never been involved with an alcoholic before nor have any close family that has been an alcoholic.
She has stopped drinking daily and is now drinking on the weekends. It seems things have gotten worse between her and I. I don’t want us to end but I feel so crazy at times like I can’t take this anymore.
I myself do not drink at all and I never buy her alcohol.
Please help.
Mae
The drinking is not your fault and it’s not your responsibility, and by dating your best friend he is acting extremely selfishly and vindictively. This relationship seems very very sick.
The question I would be asking is not whether he will stop drinking, but whether you can let go of this relationship of 30 years and really live for yourself with no contact with this addict. Because your attachment to him is also an addiction — an addiction to pain.
It’s very painful to read your post, from the outside, I can tell you it really seems like you need to distance yourself.
I have been living with my fiance for over a year. He moved here from another state, so the times we saw each other were short four days here and four days there etc. No reality time. I would term him a functioning alcholoic. Major mood swings. I have tried approaching him to stop this behavior. He goes on binges will drink for a few days. Then stop. Will consume eight or nine beers.
I have alot of guilt since he moved here for me and gave up alot in the process. Any advice would help.
Hard as it is, it is easier to separate now than it will five years from now. Look after yourself while you still have the clarity to do so. Call me if you have questions about my program for women in your position.
Dr. Neill,
I was in a five year relationship with a highly functioning alcoholic. In the five year period, my exboyfriend would breakup in anger and we’d get back together, get along for awhile and he’d breakup again over an argument. Most of the arguments were petty and in reality of nothing serious. I have issues myself of abandonment from childhood. My father left us when I was 5.
I have been in two, five year relationships with two highly functioning alcoholics. In this last relationship, I did not see his drinking as a source of our problems. It was his anger issues and disrespect of me and sometimes the level of cruelty to which he’d display the anger. It wasn’t physical abuse though there were two times when it was dangerous. It was the constant breaking up and forgetting our discussions on the phone while he was drinking that seemed to cause in my opinion the most damage.
I’m still in love with him. What makes it so difficult are the many good times we had. I have punished myself and become depressed to a point to which I can’t seem to function, ie hold a job. All of the ambition I once had seems to evaporate and my mind is always, always on trying to figure out how to “fix” or get us back together.
Is there a place, a counseling weekend retreat for a codependent?
Thank you.
Sonja
Dear Sonja,
I don’t know of any weekend retreat that would do the job. Treating codependency is such an individual problem, and there is a lot more to getting one’s life back after a marriage to an alcoholic, that just treating the codependency.
Just from what you say, my program might be a good fit for you. I tailor the program to each person’s individual situation, of course. If you meet the criteria for the program and we agree to work together, you would fly here and get a hotel room or B & B. Then I would work with you and you alone to get you through the impasse and turn your life around. That part of the program takes two days. We follow the intensive, face-to-face work with 15 telephone-coaching sessions spread over the next six months. (Plus email backup as needed.)
Qualicum Beach, BC is a very restful place. Call me so we can discuss your situation privately.
Neill
Hello,
I am an alcoholic desperately trying to start and maintain a recovery program. I also think I am codependent. My boyfriend has an addiction to oxycontin which he claims he’s over now (It’s a long story, but he had no choice other than to quit). What I do know is that he has been addicted to many other things in the past and has had many legal issues (some very serious). One forensic professional even went so far as to suggest that he may be exhibting signs of anti-social personality, but its very hard, in my opinion, to extricate the signs of severe addiction and the signs of anti-social behavior from one another. He refuses to go into a treatment program.
All of that said, I know that I need to manage my own sobriety first and foremost. However, I’m not doing so well with that because every time he wipes out and/or does something I perceive as a sign that he doesn’t care, then I bottom out too in an effort to mitigate the emotional distress that I’m feeling. So, yes, I guess that makes me pretty damned codependent. I feel stuck and stupid.
Hello Yuki,
You are not stupid, but you are scared. I think you know deep down that if you take a different course, that is, if you change, everything will change. And that scares you.
Full permanent recovery from your addiction means recreating your life. You might or might not have to leave him. But full recovery means putting everything on the table. Take a look at http://www.ConquerAlcoholism.com, take the quiz and get your free report.
Be safe.
Hi,
I was married to a functioning alcoholic for 15 yrs. I never knew there was such a thing. He would go to work and only drink at home in the evening. Of course now I know better…but his excuse was he needed to wind down from working and he didn’t see a harm in having a few beers to do that. Also he said that as a kid he suffered with anxiety and this helped him cope with it. I know now that drinking increases anxiety and deserving a few beers is an excuse for drinking. Especially when he does it seven days a week and its 13 beers every night.
Our life..was revolved around his drinking hrs which began around 7:30pm and by 10:30 he would be done with his twelve pack and go to bed. I knew that him doing any activities with us out of the house in the evenings were out of the question and even on the weekends visiting friends or family during the day would end up with him rushing us home because of course it was getting close to his drinking time.
He lost interest for intimacy and most of the time he end up rejecting me. When I got tired of the rejection and wanted to see how long it would take for him to notice that we have had no sex, it took 3 years.
At that point I left. I hoped he would care then to change since he truly does love our daughter but its been two years now and he is actually ok with coming to my house to see her daily for a few min and then he is off to go home back to his drinking. Our daughter loves him dearly but she is 15yrs old now and she knows that dad picked his drinking over the family and therefore she does not go to his house to stay. She never told him just that but she told me that and of course he doesnt believe me.
He hated me thru the marriage for trying nicely or not so nicely to get him to quit. I was the broken record that nagged and sang the same song over and over. Now he hates me and so does his family and they blame me for him drinking even more because I left him and took our daughter. I told his family for years but they didnt want to help me and they made excuses for him. They still do. Even though it runs in his family and people in his family died because of alcohol. I dont get it. I need help knowing I did the right thing because in a sick way I am still in love with this man. Why I dont know. He killed our sex life and througout the entire marriage wouldnt even take me out on our yearly anniversaries. I was always a third wheel to any other couple just so I could go see a movie or go out, and any family function I was always the one there without a spouse. His thing is that he is just not into any of the things i wanted to do.
I was so lonely I couldnt take it anymore and I am suffering mentally now big time still. I am raising our daughter alone as he is not here to stay up with me while she is becoming a teen and wanting to go out and experience life. I have no help and it is hard. I am starting to hate him yet I cannot imagine in a sick way growing old with him. I still feel as if I am on a vacation just taking a break from him.
Does this make sense? Please help me understand.
Hello Dana,
The love you still experience is perfectly normal.
Just look forward to the day when you are fully embracing life again. That day may be sooner than you think, but only if you hold your course.
Hi,
Going to make a very long story short:
I was 20, my boyfriend 19. He was in a horrible motorcycle accident and ended up losing his leg. We stuck with each other through all of it, we’re now married going on 16 years. Over the years he’d become addicted to painkillers and alcohol, a lethal combination. Many nights I would lay awake so I could check to see if he was still breathing after he passed out on the couch. We have 2 children who are 8 and 12. I pretty much filled the role of both parents for all 12 years. He entered rehab a little over a year ago, there were a few bumps in the road immediately after but is doing very well now and takes his sobriety very seriously. His family is severely dysfunctional: 2 years ago my father-in-law left my mother-in-law for another woman, my mother-in-law was a recovering alcoholic and returned to prescription drugs and alcohol, his sister is also a prescription drug addict. They’ve also been through rehab just recently. I was always the strong one in the family and was the one that helped all of them seek treatment. My question is, they are all now recovering, shouldn’t I be just elated? I’m not. This is what I’ve wanted all along so why do I feel like crying?
Hi Michelle,
The reality of change and growth is that when something changes, everything changes. I was in a good marriage, but I had a serious alcohol problem. When I realized it was killing me, I quit. My wife was elated, but a few months later she wanted marriage counsel ling. We went and I got a lot out of it. Then two years after I quit, she left. I was completely blindsided.
I have subsequently learned that quite a few women married to alcoholics do leave their marriages after he gets sober. With the right kind of help, it’s not inevitable. That’s why when someone wants help with their recovery, I like to have the spouse involved from the beginning. Likewise, when I am helping a woman with her codependency, in the best of all worlds I like to have the alcoholic husband involved too.
Since one of you is going through a transformation, the two of you may need help to get back in sync, while you can still recognize him.
I hope my brief comment will give you some perspective on your lack of elation.
Hello,
I’m 21 and my boyfriend is 23. I have recently learned I am codependent and my boyfriend is an alcoholic and possibly doing cocaine (from a rumor I heard). I’ve been with him since I was 18 and I’ve never seen him go more than 4 days without drinking heavily. He blackouts, has shaky hands, pees his bed, and throws up from drinking so much. He told me he’s been drinking since he was 15, but refuses to admit he has a problem. After hearing about him possibly having a drug problem I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I called his parents and told them about his problem. They are taking him to dinner tonight to talk to him about it.
I absolutely love this person and I’ve never felt so strongly towards someone. Our intimate life is great and we still are in love when we see each other. I want to have a future with this person, the person that he is when he’s sober. Although I can’t see myself marrying an alcoholic. I’m really lost and confused. I’ve been reading the book, Codependent no more & it’s been helping. I just want to be happy again and not be worrying so much about him. My whole life for the past two 1/2 years has been about him and his needs.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Hi,
THX.FOR.THE.ARTICLE!
I.suppose.my.mother.is.a.codependent.person.and.my.youngest.sister.is.an.alcoholic.She.drinks.for.5th.year.,still.lives.with.
my.mother(60.y.o).and.sister.is.26(she.has.a.child.from.a.married.man.,child.is.of.1.year.old.,man.supports.his.child.and.her.though)
My.sister.knows.that.she.always.has.my.mom.to.rely.on.to.feed.
her.daughter.,and.help.her.out.if.she.is.drunk,even.if.my.
sister.bits.her.up.,or.fights.with.my.mom(it.happens.sometimes)
sister.is.very.manipulative.and.a.great.lier.,also.she.doesn’t.respect.my.mom.at.all.
My.parents.are.not.alcoholic.
Though.my.father.has.and.always.had.an.attitude.towards.us.all:”I.dont’t.care.about.anything.or.anybody.at.all”.He.sometimes.
still.lives.in.my.mom’s.apartment.cause.of.the.reason.of.no.
other.place.to.go…
I.was.trying.to.explain.to.mom.how.bad.the.whole.situation.is.,that.she.must.not.tolerate.this.behavior.and.must.not.help.my.
sister.,neither.she.must.take.responsiility.for.her.kid.or.for.
my.sister’s.life,or.help.my.sister.when.she.is.drunk.It.does.
not.help.I.suppose.my.mother.does.not.get.that.actually.helping.this.way.to.my.sister.will.not.do.any.good.to.both.of.them.
Would.you.give.any.advice.of.how.I.can.explain.it.to.mom.so,she.finally.live.her.own.life.and.not.help.my.sister.this.way.,or.stop.helping.her.this.way.at.all?
(I.live.far.away.from.them.,in.another.country.)
Sorry.for.typing…..my.keyboard.is.broken.
Neil Diamond Hates Neil Neil
I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. He is a highly functioning alcoholic and was not in denial about his alcoholism. Ten days ago he went into a detox program and has been actively working the recovery process with daily meetings. I have been attending al anon meetings and attending open meetings with him when he is comfortable.
He has always been a very loving and affectionate man. I am extremely supportive in his recovery and am willing to do what it takes to help us to have a healthy, loving relationship without the alcohol. Although he indicates that he is lucky to have me and that he truly loves me and is committed to me and our relationship and to getting to the place where we will have a normal relationship….the physical intimacy is missing at this point. I miss that part of our relationship very much and am not applying any pressure or pushing it in that way.
I know that he is dealing with more than I can truly understand and that he is just beginning to learn to understand himself and navigate the world without alcohol (after 30 years). I am concentrating on providing loving support and giving him time to come back to the intimacy of our relationship. We have always communicated well in every aspect of our relationship and I cherish this. I am, however, having a difficult time saying anything about missing him sexually because I do not want to apply any additional pressure on him when he is doing everything he can.
Am I responding appropriately? Should I continue to respond in this manner and allow him to come to me when it feels right for him? He has always been a very sexual individual but has not really been that way without alcohol (at least not that I am aware of). I want to do this right so that we don’t ruin an otherwise loving relationship. Initially, he was very hands off. In the past several days we have spent more time together communicating, sharing, etc. and he is becoming more and more affectionate (kisses, holding me at night) and many of the things I love about us together. I would appreciate any insight you can provide.
This man and this relationship is very important to me and to the both of us. It is vital, however, to both of us that we do the right things so that it can be a long lasting relationship that is healthy and loving.
Hi -
I have been married over 7 years and my husband is an alcoholic. (He has also used drugs in the past, too.) He recently started drinking again. When I address this with him he says that I am being “his jailer” and that I am “trying to control and manipulate him” and that my love is conditional and only if he “behaves”. This bothers me because I do love him and I am a Christian. I honestly believe men should love their wives and lead their families and that wives are supposed to love and support their husbands.
He does not go to AA meetings (he has been an AA sponsor in the past..) and he will not see a counselor. He wants to buy a home (we currently rent). I do not want to buy a home with him because I am afraid of the future with him: will he start drinking very heavily, will he lose his job again, will he go back to using drugs again…but I do not want to leave him and “give up on him.” I am seeing a counselor and we discuss me taking my time to process things and have healthy thinking and behaviors.
I feel that standing my ground on not buying a home together is prudent. But he is really laying into me and it is very hard not to give into him. He says he works so hard he deserves to have a nice home to come home to. And he says he drinks because he is working so hard. And he says I do not respect him – I guess this is hitting me so hard because I want to respect him, but the alcohol scares me and I cannot fully listen to him or “respect” his decisions.
I really am having a problem seeing a path ahead, knowing what I should think and should feel, I just keep seeing leaving or asking him to leave as a failure, I keep hoping something will change…
I liked what you said above, “Your central task if you want to overcome your addictive/co-dependent tendencies is your own self-development. I’m not talking joining the gym or taking up a hobby. I refer to your doing whatever it takes to become an expert on yourself and your soul’s purpose.
When you have gained an understanding of and caring for who you are, independent of other people, and have developed your practice of self-care so it has become second nature, and you no longer turn to jelly or rage when an under-functioning person tries to suck you in, then you are capable of real intimacy with another.”
Is there anything I can tell myself during my weak moments where I don’t feel good about the changes I am making/trying to make?
Moxie, It sounds like he may have found someone else to have sexual relationship with. Sometime alcoholics will withhold the truth to get what they want.