Dr. Neill Neill
Is Your Marriage Partner a Functioning Alcoholic?
There are many tests for alcoholism on the internet, so why do we need another one? The simple answer is that most of them aren’t very practical.
Most of the tests for alcoholism are "self-tests" and are therefore aimed at someone who is wondering, "Do I have an alcohol problem?" This may be the wrong person most of the time. Serious problem drinkers probably won’t take the test, because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed. The typical functioning alcoholic isn’t interested in questioning his alcohol abuse. And if the signs of alcoholism are more advanced, no test is necessary to recognize the alcoholism.
The Alcoholism Test on this site is designed for anyone who thinks their partner has a drinking problem and perhaps suspects the drinking has progressed to alcoholism.
If you are concerned that your partner’s drinking is progressing to addiction, and have a few minute for a short, very practical questionnaire, click here: Alcoholism Test. I offer a short comment after most of the eleven items to make it clear why the question is included.
If after taking the Alcoholism Test and finding your spouse is probably or just possibly a functiong alcoholic, get the book that will show you how to help yourself while helping him: Living with a Functioning Alcoholic-A Woman’s Survival Guide.
Neill
PS: After you have finished the Alcoholism Test , please share your thoughts below or at the end of the Alcoholism Test itself.
PPS: By the way, the Alcoholism Test can also be used if you are concerned about an adult child, a parent or a friend.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on self growth, healthy relationships and life enhancement after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide. Get on his list for notification that he has posted a new article and receive his free report, "Addiction and Codependency Simplified."
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Dr. Neill,
My brother, Richard Neill, is an alcoholic and I was looking for a site that lists tests. He maintains (as any alcoholic denialist would) that there is not a test he cannot fudge.
Naturally, that you are also a Neill and ALL Neills are related, I felt I just had to send in a comment. Off the subject entirely I do have a copy of the article on the genome tests done on over a million Neills who carry the male chromosome if you are interested.
Many Neills in our line have been alcoholics and my father died in 2005 by drinking himself to death aged 66.
I hope to hear from you.
Bev
Hi Bev,
Your brother is probably correct about being able to fudge tests: any that I have seen have been designed for those who want self insight, not those who want to remain unconscious. Interesting his name is Richard.
My brother Richard Neill was a drug user who suicided at 30. My son Richard Neill had left his alcoholism behind 15 years ago, but died last fall of cancer and a rare liver disease. I was an alcoholic, but have been alcohol free for 30 years. Our father and grandfather too, as far as I know, drank very little.
Yes, I would love to see the article on the genome tests.
Now I work with alcoholics who want to change their lives.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Neill
Hi Neill
Thanks for the test it was very very interesting and depressing at the same time.I remarried 5 years ago to a man I now believe is a functioning alcoholic. He is very sweet and dear when sober but can get very embarrassing, humiliating, verbally unpleasant about me and downright idiotic/stupid when he is drunk.
He does not ever believe he is drunk, at best only admitting to having had a few beers. He rarely touches spirits but typically packs away 8-9 beers between midday and bedtime (about 9 at night). On bad days he can put away as much as 14! My frustration is that he does this at least 6 days a week (he retired about 2 years ago so it does not interfere with any work commitments), but does not believe he has a problem and therefore refuses to seek any counseling, marital or alcohol related.
This daily drinking has another unpleasant side effect in that his drinking = excessive snoring = bad night’s sleep for me. I do not drink at all and never have (simply a matter of taste and came from a family that seldom drank at all), but our marriage is in tatters despite my desperate pleas over a period of 3 years to him to at the very least moderate his intake as a way of salvaging something that was once so precious. From the questions in your test I can say that he does most definitely forget large chunks of events during the course of a binge but often remembers others and therefore uses the selective recall as proof that he was not drunk.
I have become quite, quite beside myself over his behaviour and am ashamed to say that I have shoved (literally meaning pushed, nothing worse) him around on 2-3 occasions, because I just don’t seem to be able to get through to him that the amazing marriage we once had has gone because of the drinking. I would like to stress that he has not retaliated when I have become physical out of frustration. He doesn’t seem to understand that all those hurtful things he says and does when drunk resonate in my mind long, long after he has sobered up and, unfortunately, inevitably has coloured my view of him and our relationship.
Other info about him include the fact that he was divorced and all his kids maintain that he drank excessively during that marriage. Both his brothers have been divorced and recently his one brother’s fiancee (would have been 3rd wife) broke off their engagement citing excessive drinking as the main reason. My husband is physically reasonably small (about 5 foot 7 in American terms) and weighs approximately 73kgs. He often skips meals as he is not hungry (too full after several beers). Two of my step children have drug problems and recently the youngest responded to his father by saying that his smoking of weed is not very different to his father’s drinking! That same child is turning 21 this coming week but even he listed pre-conditions for the family celebration, one of which was that his father was not to drink anything before the commencement of the dinner out we have planned.
PLEASE PLEASE HELP by telling me how I can get my husband to at least agree to being assessed. I can’t take it anymore and will leave the marital home unless there is a dramatic change in him. (by the way he says I am being stupid giving up on the marriage but can offer no undertakings about what he will do about the drinking. All I want is a credible hope that things will improve, but he cannot give me anything concrete)
With kind regards,
Ali
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Hi Ali,
It’s so sad when a man (or woman) put their relationship with alcohol ahead of their spouse and their marriage. He can get through this only if he chooses to. And then professional mentoring or coaching may be better than counselling. You cannot make the choice for him. So far in his life he has always put the drink first. Do you have any reason to believe he won’t continue? Leaving is an indication that you are not giving up on yourself. It sounds like he has already given up on himself and his marriage. Who is being stupid?
Addicted people talk (promise, apologize, lie, minimize, justify, get defensive, explain themselves and so on); those who overcame an addiction took focused action. Assessment is more talk. He knows what action he will need to take if he chooses to quit drinking and stay sober. Thousand of alcohol-addicted men of all ages have done it.
Best wishes, Ali