He does NOT remember his days. He is very defensive and won’t stop. I do not think he can. He shakes very badly when he wakes up. I am NOT sure if he is sneaking a sip or two to stop the shaking, but at 5pm he starts pouring that drink. He won’t get help. He says he does not mind seeing his parents and I will be fine. He is getting meaner then the next morning trying to buy me things and is sorry until that second drink hits him, again he is slurring, mean, forgetting, falling. How long can a liver take this abuse? Is him peeing himself and not being able to control it a sign of a failing liver or just him drunk? I am scared.

One thing I have noticed in looking for help on the internet is that there is an imbalance of things written about alcoholism focusing on alcoholic husbands and wives who struggle to deal with their husbands’ drinking. My wife is a functioning alcoholic and my family and I deal with many of these same issues. While men may be more likely to be alcoholics (not sure about the stats here), the bulk of the literature can be a bit alienating to those husbands out here struggling in dysfunctional alcoholic relationships.

Just a little food for thought– again, thanks for the article.

He is a wonderful father when sober, but the rest of the time he is so consumed with himself. We have been to the point of having to boil water just to have hot water for our baths because he spent too much drinking and couldn’t pay the gas bill. His whole family is against drinking and they are all Christians too. He doesn’t want them to find out he doesn’t believe anymore or about his drinking. Though they can’t be completely ignorant since he got a DUI a few years ago. I avoid his family at church so I don’t have to answer where he is or why he is not there.

He has become the most selfish person. Most parents want to give their kids the best they can. I don’t see that with him. It is mainly whatever is cheapest. Thank God my parents have helped us out through the hard times when my husband was unemployed for 1.5 yrs. They make sure me and my daughter don’t go without. I don’t want to get family involved. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

He still goes to work just fine and all. I keep praying for him. I have tried to change things about myself and show more love to him. He is so defensive of his drinking. He sees nothing wrong with it at all. He even plans on taking our daughter out for a drink when she is old enough. I am thinking over my dead body. I am so tired of dealing with this. I don’t want our daughter growing up thinking drinking is okay and it is okay to see her father like that. To have to answer to her now, where is daddy, or her trying to wake her father up and he won’t (since he is in a drunken sleep) is just plain heartbreaking. He isn’t mean to her at all.

I really do love him and I don’t want to divorce I just feel stuck. He lies all the time to his family about where he is going to avoid family function or to leave saying we have things to do when he is really just going to the bar. I am stressed out most of the time. I just hate to have our daughter around this. She is the sweetest child and I don’t want that to change because her father is an alcoholic.

I believe my husband may be a functioning alcoholic. He is a musician, and when he used to play with his band, he would drink heavily with his friends and band-mates, and would indulge occasionally in smoking marijuana.
He quit the band a few years ago and left most of the friends that encouraged his addictive behavior. He never had a need to drink daily, and if there was no alcohol in the house it wasn’t a problem for him. But once the drinking would start, especially outside of a family event, such as a birthday, he would drink excessively, and not stop even when we have left the event and went home. He would beg for me to stop by a liquor store and buy more alcohol. I was always strong enough to refuse, thank God. But his wish for more alcohol is still there. The fact that he never needed alcohol if it wasn’t in the house made me believe he was not an alcoholic.

We are now house-sitting for some friends for several months, and the house is stocked with a full bar. He used to drink heavily once or twice a month, and this has now become at least once a week, sometimes more. He will drink to excess, pass out, feel hungover for a few days, and then do it again 3 or 4 days later when he feels better.

He is not abusive toward me, is not a violent drunk, but rather a happy, chatty drunk, and thank God we have no children yet. I have told him that I don’t want to have his children while he continues these habits. To add to this, his increase in alcohol consumption has caused him to start smoking cigarettes. He also smokes marijuana everyday.

He has admitted to me that he has a problem and has asked that I help reduce his drinking, but whenever I do try to help, he feels insulted, stone-walls me, and if he has managed to already get drunk, we end up in a huge fight.

I have no idea what to do. How do I deal with his behavior when he refuses my help?

We have had talk after talk about his drinking. We now have a daughter together and granted she is only 4 months and doesn’t know any better but she doesn’t know him. When ever we come home after picking her up from daycare he’s passed out on the couch or in the bed or drinking at the counter. He blames it on me saying I’m the reason he drinks because we don’t have sex that much anymore. I tell him the truth, that its not fun when your drunk all the time. He gets all upset when I bring up his drinking. He said that he would cut back after our daughter was born. I haven’t seen that yet.

He has pretty much ruined our couch because he will actually pee himself while he’s sleeping. He does it in the bed as well. He doesn’t spend time with our baby and she cries when he holds her since she doesn’t know him. All that has to do with his drinking. I’m almost at my wits end with this and we haven’t even been married a year. His drinking has gotten a lot worse since we’ve been married and I’m starting to wonder if I am the problem.

My husband drinks every night, sometimes a responsible amount, if he has to work and sometimes to oblivion when he is off the next day. I find him drunk early in the day on his days off and passed out on the couch with the TV on the nights he is off. He always drinks to get drunk, unless it is an inappropriate situation (office parties, family functions) and then struggles to keep in control.

He has cycles of binge drinking. He can go a couple of months with his normal heavy drinking and then go on a bender and be drunk or drinking for an entire weekend. He drinks till he passes out, sometimes, it is right where he stands. The next morning, after seeing his reality, he will sing the same old song “I am done, that was the last time” but it always happens again.

When we talk about his drinking he admits he has a problem. When I bring up getting help he tells me he can do it himself and doesn’t need outside help, but he never does. I feel like we have the same conversation over and over with no real results. I LOVE my husband. When he is sober he is everything but I can’t continue to live a life with someone who won’t help themselves get better.

HH-I am not sure how to advise you, part of my wants to say, get out now, it will be easier on you. But the other part of me says, don’t give up on him, if you really love him.

Dr. Neill, can I set a timetable or deadline for him to get healthy? How do I know when it is time to leave?

Thanks for any comments or feedback.
R