Most of us have found ourselves at some point in life flying solo. The first time is usually after you have left your family of origin and are out in the world working or studying. You have your coworkers and friends around you and you are busy creating a life for yourself in society. You are alone, but not particularly lonely.
Then you meet someone… and a love interest/relationship develops. You bond. You become a couple and you marry, whether formally or not. You do everything together and you are mutually supportive. You are no longer alone and you certainly are not lonely.
But then something often happens. It may be that he shifts his focus away from you and back to his career. It may be that you have a baby and unconsciously direct all your focus to your child. It may be that he uses alcohol to medicate some personal pain, and while physically present, is emotionally absent.
Life can sneak up on you, and then one day one of you realizes you feel the loneliest you have ever felt. Who among us, except the very young, has not been in that dark place at some time or other?
This leads to the question, is it possible to live your lives in such a way that you can avoid loneliness in a marriage relationship?
The answer lies in something you learned back in the days when you were flying solo in your career and were among friends. You were alone, but not lonely. At that time you were developing your identity–who you were, what you were good at, what you liked and disliked, where you were going in life.
What you may have allowed in the passion of a new marriage is the partial merging of your two identities. Mutual support and interdependence may have slipped into codependency. Then when the bumps and turns of life came along, you didn’t know who you were anymore.
If you’re entering a marriage relationship, whether your first or a remarriage, it is important that both of you do so with a strong sense of personal identity and an intention to maintain that identity. Maintain your identity separate from your partner’s. Maintain a network of friends. Maintain your career if possible. Maintain your interests and passions. Keep on talking and listening at the feeling level as well as the thinking level. Share experiences and talk about them. Frequently review together your expectations of yourselves and each other.
Marriage can be a wonderful partnership, but if you approach it as a solution to all your problems, you may find yourself in the loneliest place on earth.
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Great article Thanks Neill
Stephanie
I’ve been with a man for 7 years, married for 4. In the last 2 years, he has lied to me repeatedly, cheated on me and refused to discuss the reasons for any of his behavior or go to counseling together. Our relationship got diminished to simply living under the same roof and I paid for all expenses for our family although he had a full time job. I thought I respected his wishes by not bringing up “touchy” topics for him such as his “dysfunctional upbringing”, his job (which he didn’t like), his income, or his debts. As you say, he became the unemotionally available spouse, negative about just about everything, and angry with what seemed like the world. 6 months ago, I discovered his secret stash of alcohol (I caught him bring in liquor a few times but he vehemently denied it so I didn’t pursue it and I never saw him pour the alcohol although I know he had it at least in his morning coffee on the weekends) and he left. It took me a few months of him being verbally abusive over the phone, projecting his feelings and problems onto me, listening to him rationalizing the irrational before I realized the stash was simply not a stash but a sign that he was an alcoholic.
While I believe in maintaining our own identities and being responsible for our own happiness, I also believe that when we take an oath in marriage, that we make a commitment to each other and part of that includes being respectful (certainly not abusive) and not deliberating causing hurt to the other party. I believe abuse has no role in my marriage or our child’s life and I am filing for separation. While he was the one that cheated, lied, is addicted, and by legal terms “abandoned” us, because I’m filing for the separation, he says it’s all MY fault although he cannot identify one thing in me that caused him to do things that were so detrimental to our marriage. While I believe we are each responsible for our own happiness, when we agree to enter into a marriage, I think we have obligations to each other as well and I believe that being emotionally absent and not contributing financially or even much physically (we have a toddler) when he is capable of doing all of the above, is unacceptable. Am I wrong to think this?
It sounds like you have a good grasp of your situation. When two adults make a commitment to each other and one of them breaks the commitment on an ongoing basis, It seems to me that cancels the other’s commitment.
I was lonely in my relationship when I was married. I am no longer married; I got divorced and it was final as of August of this year.
I felt alone even though I was in a house with him. He would get a shower and head off to the neighbors house to drink with him, and then move over to the neighbor ladies house to drink with her. Sometimes her husband was there and sometimes not and they have two children who were always there. He would come back home, eat dinner by himself and then fall asleep in a chair. I would be left alone all the time because I wouldn’t go and drink with him, because I am not a drinker. I would get on the computer and talk to others on facebook and try to help them taking the focus off myself.
I lived a life of loneliness and hung onto any little piece of happiness I was shown by him on our good days, when he would spend time with me. He would go to bars too and talk to his guy friends and I was at home wondering how much he had to drink. This went on for a quite a many years til it came to a head. We decided to separate with me taking the lead to do so, so I am now divorced and living alone. Its like turning a light off and sitting in the dark and then turning the light back on in a different place, not sure what to do. But I am doing it with help from my counselor. Its like ptsd, you keep the memories in the back of your mind and wonder about it, until you hope one day it will all be gone.
Thank You Dr. Neill for asking about being lonely, as I had been in the past. Looking to make a new future with someone. As my ex has already had many women, and has moved on and I am the one who still cares about him.
Kitty, you are grieving. You are grieving the loss of a partner and a future life you had hoped for. It’s normal, even after a marriage that didn’t work. This too will pass.
I am not legally married but my finance and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. I knew he drank a lot especially when I would start to break down the bank account and started seeing the increase in liquor store purchases. On Sept 10th this year, he said he was going to wreck our truck with me in it and kill us both. That day he was arrested for DUI, then later that day he confessed to me that he had also been doing Meth, maxed out the credit cards to buy drugs. He did start treatment, which he has already quit, and I am finding empty beer cans, that he claims aren’t his. I know he has low self esteem, but my trust in him is completely gone, I almost feel as if he has cheated on me.
I have started counseling by myself…but I find myself wondering why do I have to do all the work? And when do I say good bye? My mother has been married 9 times and I have already had 1 failed marriage so I don’t want to repeat, but I’m so tired of being alone and constantly worrying about what he is doing. And I don’t want our 4 kids around that whole life…I just wish someone would just tell me what to do. Or how to fix this whole situation.
I have been dating a man for 2 years now. I am lonely more often than not. I am also concerned it will never turn into what I fully need. He and I only spend a fees days together a week. He cheated on me though he still denies it. I know he did for a fact. His other and I have a mutual friend. He makes me feel bad about myself more than good. He is the one who wanted to commit about a year and a half ago and I was thrilled of course. He has met my daughter a few times. I have never met his children or any of his family. I feel like I have to bug him to see me but he got upset when I insinuated that he only comes over for sex. I am lost and don’t know what to do. I love him, I want a future with him but I don’t know how he feels. He is one of those guys who doesn’t discuss feelings, though he does say I love you. I think about leaving all the time but can’t seem to let go. Please help