Dr. Neill Neill

Are you stuck facing your wall?

Imagine a major barrier blocks you in your life. It interrupts your growth as a man or woman. Let’s call it a wall. You know you don’t want to be where you are, but you feel stuck. You have tried to break through, but the wall is still in front of you. Such a scene plays out many times in the normal flow of life.

Some examples are in order:

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I was recently participating in a workshop where everyone in the room was learning something new, tackling tough questions and new approaches, and facing mountains of additional work.

I looked around the room and saw men and women who were exuding happiness. It was hard to find anyone who was unhappy.

I reflected on why everyone, including me, was so happy, and just what happiness is anyway. This is practical psychology at its best.

My ex use to plead, “All I want is for you to be happy!”

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Most men in the 40 to 55 age range will experience a period of emotional difficulty at some point. A minority will reach that point before 40 or after 55.

They typically go through it privately, but if it becomes visible, it is sometimes called a mid-life crisis. They may feel unhappy or anxious, or feel stuck in an unsatisfying marriage. They may be troubled by physical problems such as, high blood pressure, heart problems or insomnia. They may be spending or drinking compulsively.

Regardless of the set of symptoms each presents, they are unanimous in their feeling that something is not quite right in their lives.

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Dr. Neill Neill

The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…

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Did you know that Christmas time ranks just below finances at the top of the list of what people find stressful and worrisome? Yes, Christmas has a dark side as well as a bright side. Where are you on the continuum between joy and dread at Christmas? Or are you all over the map?

For some Christmas is a time of joy, of family reunions, of generosity, of friendship, of gleeful children, of Christmas lights and of celebration. But for others Christmas is a dreaded time of pain, sadness or loneliness.

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It has been a beautiful couple of weeks here by the ocean: sun, warm breezes, barbeques, a deer in the garden, two eagles in tree, happy friends and passing cruise ships silhouetterd against the distant mountains. Now pause and let yourself feel the euphoria of days like these.

Yet we’ve both been around long enough to know that some days it rains. So the question becomes, "How do you extend these good feelings to the days when the weather is dismal, people are anything but enthusiastic, and your feel the zing slipping out of your own life?”

The answer comes from positive psychology. It lies in taking conscious control of something that you are already doing on a ’sunny day,’ and then extending that action to every other day until it becomes a habit.

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Dr. Neill Neill

Sophie and Mary

I knew two women I’ll call Sophie and Mary. Sophie was about 30 and worked at a job, but she knew it was not what she should be doing to find fulfillment. The problem was she didn’t know what she was ’supposed to do’. She was single, although she had been married for a few years in her early 20s. Ever since then she has been soul searching for meaning and purpose in her life.

Sophie tended to stay to herself and think a lot. Happiness was elusive. In fact she was showing signs of grief for reasons she did not understand. She wanted to have a sense of purpose in her life, but couldn’t find it. She worried about things like global warming and wondered if she could ever be in another relationship.

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Dr. Neill Neill

In the spring I said to my wife Eileen a number of times, "I need a break." Well, I got my break. I fell and broke a rib in May. The pain slowed me down a lot, but the pain is almost all gone now and I’ve got most of my energy back.

Vacations (I don’t ask for "breaks" anymore.) are important to mental health, and we self-employed types are especially bad at remembering to take them. Periodically I do manage to interrupt my busyness with a vacation.

I found myself in June to be in desperate need of such an interruption. I hadn’t taken so much as a full weekend off in months. I left my work behind and took off on a 5,400 km mental health motorcycle trip by myself. It would my first real trip on my new BMW R1200RT motorcycle from Island BMW.

On vacations, not only do I get to see and do things that aren’t part of my at-home experience, but also I usually learn something new about myself. This vacation would prove to be no exception.

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Friends and family sometimes tell me I work too much.

It’s true I spend a lot of time at what conventionally would be called work: seeing clients in my private practice, teaching and seeing clients in alcohol and drug rehab, writing regular columns for two newspapers and a magazine, and writing for my very active website, Practical Psychology for Capable People. None of this feels like work, but it does demand a lot of time just like "real work" does.

I tell others all the time that they need downtime to relax, recuperate, recharge and expand their perspective. I tell them to pursue something they are passionate about, just so long as it has nothing to do with work and lifts their spirits and leaves them feeling positive.

After all, taking downtime and using it well is a piece of positive psychology.

But does Dr. Neill practice what he preaches? You be the judge.

One of the ways I get that positive charge when I want to be completely off the work radar is going for a ride on my motorcycle. And the longer the ride, the better!

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Dr. Pati Beaudoin wrote an excellent article about the movie and book, The Secret, and has given permission to post it here. If you haven’t seen The Secret, do see it or read the book. (There are links at the bottom of this page to buy either from Amazon.com.)

It is turning out to be, not only an exercise in positive psychology for some, but an important contribution to their psycho-spiritual growth. I have personally met some of the experts featured in the movie.

Pati’s analysis of The Secret makes the principles more understandable and therefore more practical. I have posted her article in two parts.

Dr. Beaudoin was a student of mine in the seventies before she became a psychologist and launched her successful career.

Watch for Dr. Beaudoin’s forthcoming book, 
Letter to Husbands From a Wife.

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