Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist and Diplomate, Comprehensive Energy Psychology, maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an alcohol and drug treatment center for men. His goal is to help you to help yourself to a better life. http://www.neillneill.com
Awareness is key to building a healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life after rehab. You need to be alert and aware to spot the early warning signs of relapse into addiction and take whatever action is necessary to maintain your recovery. Watch for what I like to call, "The Big Four Relapse Warning Signs."
If any one of them sneaks back into your life, take it as a warning to redouble your resolve to stay the course of your recovery.
For the past year I have been working as consulting psychologist to an alcohol and drug addiction treatment center for men. This is not my first experience in dealing with addiction; I had earlier worked five years in a coed treatment center. I have worked with a lot of functioning alcoholics and drug addicts in my private practice as well.
Although the reasons for substance abuse and subsequent seeking help for addiction are as varied as any human population can be, there is a pattern of sameness in among those men voluntarily going into rehab.
The seven characteristics presented below relate to what is going on at the point men seek help, not to the years when usage turned to habitual substance abuse and then to addiction. Some of the characteristics, but not all, apply to women as well as men. I have become aware that certain things emerge in a group of men that did not surface when men were in a coed group.
Anyone who abuses alcohol long enough or heavily enough eventually will have problems with memory. The functioning alcoholic will have memory problems. His memory problems are simply less severe than those of the skid-row alcoholic.
You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him.
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic. He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He watches television with you and the children and is easy to get along with, provided he always has a drink. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home the money.
However, he never goes to the children’s games, because he doesn’t plan ahead. By the time he is asked, he’s already drinking and can’t go. "Next time…"
If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglect. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your marriage.
My regular readers will know that I write articles on a variety of subjects in practical psychology, including alcoholism. I have a particular interest in the well-being of families of alcoholics and other addicts. I am such a family member myself.
I came across a new website today called Addiction Recovery Basics by Bill Urell, who works with people recovering from addictions. Check it out. He has good articles on chemical dependency, 12-step, and the depression that so often accompanies substance-abuse and recovery.
I expect that over time our writings will complement each other.
On a personal note, there are a few parallels between us, although I may be a bit longer in the tooth than Bill. Just before Christmas I was honored with a cake for 30 years of sobriety at the alcohol and drug treatment center where I am the consulting psychologist.
Bill says he bought a convertible. I bought a motorcycle last year. (Is this a male thing or a stage-of-life thing?)
Anyway Bill, congratulations on your new internet venture!
Readers repeatedly ask me questions about their relationships with the functioning alcoholics in their lives. Today I will look at the case of the woman who is not yet living with her boyfriend, but wants to. She is concerned, however, about his alcohol consumption. It usually goes something like this:
"I’ve been wondering if my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He says he’s a functioning alcoholic, with the stress on "functioning." I like the odd drink myself, but I can take it or leave it. We love each other and want to live together. Should I move in with him?" Signed, 29 and single
Well, 29 and single, it’s good that you are acknowledging right up front that there could be a problem. You show a healthy level of self esteem and confidence.
There are many tests for alcoholism on the internet, so why do we need another one? The simple answer is that most of them aren’t very practical.
Most of the tests for alcoholism are "self-tests" and are therefore aimed at the wrong person. They are designed for someone who is wondering, "Do I have an alcohol problem?"
The irony is, serious problem drinkers probably won’t take the test because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed. The typical functioning alcoholic isn’t interested in questioning his alcohol abuse. And if the signs of alcoholism are more advanced, no test is necessary to recognize the alcoholism.
The Alcoholism Test on this site is designed for anyone who thinks their partner has a drinking problem and perhaps suspects the drinking has progressed to alcoholism.
After some much-needed family time, my first post of 2007 is to set a direction for 2007 and to invite you to come with me. In the past my first article has been about making resolutions and setting goals: how do you maximize your chances of manifesting your personal dreams for the new year?
This year I’ve been thinking about a more expanded approach, a big-picture approach to the new year. I’m not talking about your personal resolutions. Rather, I am talking about our collectively holding an intention, a larger vision for our community.
"Community" can be whatever you decide: your family, your neighborhood, your town or city, your country or even the global community.
My five top wishes for 2007 are below. Please join me in considering the big picture. Add your own big wishes to the Comments section below. With a clear direction there is something big or small that each of us can do to move our communities in that direction.
"The benefits to all of overcoming an addiction to the wellbeing of another are far reaching, but as always, the healing process begins with awareness."
Awareness alone doesn’t remove the problem, but it may produce a roadmap to wholeness. And with wholeness can come real intimacy.
Imagine a husband and wife where the man is addicted to alcohol and the woman is addicted to him and his well-being. She has an intense pull towards her husband. She loses herself in the intensity of the need to care for him. On the other hand she has a strong need to pull away from him and get a life for herself.
We have all seen it: one of them leaves and comes back, and then leaves again and comes back again. There seems to be no middle ground. It’s either total enmeshment or complete cut-off.
Do you want a better lifefor you and your family? Then check out Dr. Neill Neill's new ebook, "Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's
Survival Guide" Read More
For the past year I have been working as consulting psychologist to an alcohol and drug addiction treatment center for men. This is not my first experience in dealing with addiction; I had earlier worked five years in a coed treatment center. I have worked with a lot of functioning alcoholics and drug addicts in my private practice as well.
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
