If you are like most of us, there are some things you’d like to change in yourself. Perhaps you’ve even made New Years resolutions to change.
This kind of commitment is good. Commitment is one key to losing weight, getting in shape, learning a new skill, finding your soul mate, getting a better job, learning a new language, running a marathon, going back to school, drinking less, spending time with your kids or communicating better with your partner.
Commitment gets things going.
You may be one of those people who can commit to personal change and follow through just like the women in the weight-loss adds on TV. If so, congratulations!
Enter Self Sabotage
If you are like most of us and run into problems following through, however, perhaps you are sabotaging your intentions without even realizing it. Does the following example apply to you in any way?
Mary (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. (She didn’t leave a public comment because she wanted her communication to be confidential.)
Although a few details are changed or omitted to protect Mary’s privacy, she began with
"I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting…"
Mary goes on to make the following points:
Married for 19 years.
Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
Daniel emailed me to ask for my thoughts on the question "Can you have an alcohol allergy?" He recalled that I had mentioned I was allergic to alcohol in a talk I gave to a group of alumni of the Sunshine Coast Health Centre in June.
I was a functioning alcoholic when I was younger. But in my mid thirties I began having unexplained physical illness symptoms that eventually got me to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester Minnesota.
During the prior year I had been hospitalized for a duodenal ulcer and later for a gall bladder attack, neither of which actually existed. I periodically got a sharp pain that ran from my left chest over my shoulder and down my left arm, so they checked me for heart problems. My heart was and is strong. I had periodic severe lower abdominal pain suggesting a hernia; I may have had a phantom hernia, but not a real one. My morning weight varied as much as 7 lbs with no change in activity, diet or alcohol consumption.
I recently read a touching post from an internet friend and artist, Janine. Thank you, Janine, for baring your soul and inspiring me to write this post.
Janine paints beautiful abstracts and is also an excellent photographer. She displayed her work at a craft fair and sold only two small pieces, and those to a fellow exhibitor. She is passionate about her work, but she lost money on the show.
Janine has some medical problems which limit her ability to pursue regular work. That, combined with the craft fair failure, led her to say,
"I feel such a failure as a human being… At the moment I am fighting doubts about what I am doing and have a sense of continued failure."
Janine, you are not unique in your struggle with disappointment and the absence of external validation for what you do. In fact, it is the core problem that most of my clients have when they come to me for help.
Awareness is key to building a healthy, meaningful and fulfilling life after rehab. You need to be alert and aware to spot the early warning signs of relapse into addiction and take whatever action is necessary to maintain your recovery. Watch for what I like to call, "The Big Four Relapse Warning Signs."
If any one of them sneaks back into your life, take it as a warning to redouble your resolve to stay the course of your recovery.
For the past year I have been working as consulting psychologist to an alcohol and drug addiction treatment center for men. This is not my first experience in dealing with addiction; I had earlier worked five years in a coed treatment center. I have worked with a lot of functioning alcoholics and drug addicts in my private practice as well.
Although the reasons for substance abuse and subsequent seeking help for addiction are as varied as any human population can be, there is a pattern of sameness in among those men voluntarily going into rehab.
The seven characteristics presented below relate to what is going on at the point men seek help, not to the years when usage turned to habitual substance abuse and then to addiction. Some of the characteristics, but not all, apply to women as well as men. I have become aware that certain things emerge in a group of men that did not surface when men were in a coed group.
Being married to a functioning alcoholic is a big problem. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with the issue.
For a minority of people social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking could have started in a lot of different ways, but that’s not what’s important. What is important is that the drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not a hoot whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor.
Anyone who abuses alcohol long enough or heavily enough eventually will have problems with memory. The functioning alcoholic will have memory problems. His memory problems are simply less severe than those of the skid-row alcoholic.
We normally associate alcoholism with increased tolerance to alcohol. Alcoholics often are able to drink a great deal before the usual symptoms of intoxication kick in — slurred speech, falling asleep, getting loud, poor balance, and poor judgment which could lead to and accident or a DUI charge.
However, there are exceptions. Some functioning alcoholics do indeed show signs of intoxication with as little as a single drink. There are at least two different reasons why this might happen.
You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him.
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic. He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He watches television with you and the children and is easy to get along with, provided he always has a drink. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home the money.
However, he never goes to the children’s games, because he doesn’t plan ahead. By the time he is asked, he’s already drinking and can’t go. "Next time…"
If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglect. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your marriage.
Do you want a better lifefor you and your family? Then check out Dr. Neill Neill's new ebook, "Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's
Survival Guide" Read More
If you are like most of us, there are some things you’d like to change in yourself. Perhaps you’ve even made New Years resolutions to change. 
Mary goes on to make the following points:
I was a 
I recently read a touching post from an internet friend and artist, 
For the past year I have been working as consulting psychologist to an alcohol and drug addiction treatment center for men. This is not my first experience in dealing with addiction; I had earlier worked five years in a coed treatment center. I have worked with a lot of functioning alcoholics and drug addicts in my private practice as well.
Being married to a 
We normally associate 
It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.
