Dr. Neill Neill

The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…

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Dr. Neill Neill

You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."

The five conditions were

Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…

Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?

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Dr. Neill Neill

Many marriages start off as good marriages, but over time turn stale or even hostile.  At any given time huge numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage.

If you were to delve, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can mess up a marriage, but neglect the following at your peril.

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Dr. Neill Neill

Mary (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. (She didn’t leave a public comment because she wanted her communication to be confidential.)

Although a few details are changed or omitted to protect Mary’s privacy, she began with

"I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting…"

Mary goes on to make the following points:

• Married for 19 years.
• Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
• He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than two liters/week of hard liquor.)
• He is not abusive and does not miss work.
• He seems to have trouble remembering.
• He just seems out of it at night…

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Dr. Neill Neill

I have been married well over 40 years, but not all to the same woman. Yes, I have been divorced twice. If you are thinking, "He must really like being married," you would be right. I do. When a marriage is working, it is the best place on earth. But when it is failing, it can be an incredibly lonely place.

Eileen is my third wife and we have been together 27 years. She was married before. Her first husband has been married twice more, each time to a woman who had been previously married. My first wife married again and my second wife married twice more. Their husbands had all been married before.

Now, turn the clock back 150 years or so.

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Being married to a functioning alcoholic is a big problem. Tens of thousands of families in North America alone are struggling with the issue.

For a minority of people social drinking can gradually deteriorate into alcohol abuse and eventually into alcohol dependence. The drinking could have started in a lot of different ways, but that’s not what’s important. What is important is that the drinking became a habit and the habit became alcohol dependence or alcoholism. It matters not a hoot whether the alcohol is in the form of beer, wine or hard liquor.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

You both enjoyed a drink when you were first married. But unlike your drinking, his has increased over time. In fact it has become an integral part of everyday living for him.

It has become a familiar part of your life too, because you worry about what is happening to him and to your marriage. For present purposes I will limit my comments to home life.

Perhaps he is just a friendly alcoholic. He pours a drink as soon as he gets home from work and he keeps one going all evening. He watches television with you and the children and is easy to get along with, provided he always has a drink. He insists there is nothing wrong with this drinking and that he is functioning quite well. After all, he reasons, he does his job and he brings home the money.

However, he never goes to the children’s games, because he doesn’t plan ahead. By the time he is asked, he’s already drinking and can’t go. "Next time…"

If you enjoy sex in the evening, you are out of luck, because by bedtime he’s blotto. And sex is not the only area where you are feeling neglect. It’s hard to have a discussion about anything significant after he has had a couple of drinks. You spend a lot of time effectively alone. You didn’t bargain for loneliness in your marriage.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D. 

Is it possible to have a marriage relationship unpolluted by criticism?

Answer: Yes.

Could a relationship without criticism be healthy?

Answer: Yes. (One of them would not have to be dead, as an uncle suggested to me when I was entering my first adult relationship.)

Could you express your emotions and strongly disagree about something and yet still not criticize?

Answer: Yes.

The Upward Spiral of Communion

When you first meet someone, you talk, you get to know each other, you find you like each other, and you both want to talk more. Communication, knowledge and affection lead to a deep connection between you, so I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level. There can be no criticism.

If he or she were to criticize you early in your relationship, it would break the connection and you would part. If you were to feel critical, you would just leave with a silent "I don’t need this."

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

Choosing well is the foundation for a good marriage. Yet choosing is one of the most neglected pieces of the process of meeting, bonding, marrying, living life together and possibly having children. Choose well: the good and bad outcomes of your choice will shape your life, whether a first or second marriage, a Christian marriage, a common-law marriage, a mixed-race marriage or a same-sex marriage.

1.           Can you accept each other as you are, warts and all? You can’t change another person and you have absolutely no right to try to change your spouse. At the same time don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.  

This in no way means that you have to be the same.  Acceptance of yourself and each other can accommodate wide differences between you.

Acceptance is the most basic issue. If you can’t accept the reality of each other, walk.

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Dr. Neill Neill, Ph.D., R.Psych., D,CEP

Welcome to Practical Psychology for Capable People, for secrets to a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Practical Psychology for Capable People is your place for practical tips, insights and wisdom for a better life. Whether you wnt some marriage advice, are struggling with alcoholism in your family, facing some midlife changes or simply wanting more peace in your life, this is your place to pause, reflect… and change.

I regulary post new articles here, often as a reflection of your questions and concerns. So bookmark this site and return often and leave your comments and questions.

For starters my gift to you is a free download of a short, very practical ebook I wrote, The Personal Change Manifesto.  I will send you an e-mail, entitled Practical Psychology for Capable People each time I publish a new article.

Enter your first name and email address in the box on the left and watch your inbox for instructions.

Neill