Dr. Neill NeillFirst Decade:
Dr. Neill Neill
Are you stuck facing your wall?
Imagine a major barrier blocks you in your life. It interrupts your growth as a man or woman. Let’s call it a wall. You know you don’t want to be where you are, but you feel stuck. You have tried to break through, but the wall is still in front of you. Such a scene plays out many times in the normal flow of life.
Some examples are in order:
I was recently participating in a workshop where everyone in the room was learning something new, tackling tough questions and new approaches, and facing mountains of additional work.
I looked around the room and saw men and women who were exuding happiness. It was hard to find anyone who was unhappy.
I reflected on why everyone, including me, was so happy, and just what happiness is anyway. This is practical psychology at its best.
My ex use to plead, “All I want is for you to be happy!”
Most men in the 40 to 55 age range will experience a period of emotional difficulty at some point. A minority will reach that point before 40 or after 55.
They typically go through it privately, but if it becomes visible, it is sometimes called a mid-life crisis. They may feel unhappy or anxious, or feel stuck in an unsatisfying marriage. They may be troubled by physical problems such as, high blood pressure, heart problems or insomnia. They may be spending or drinking compulsively.
Regardless of the set of symptoms each presents, they are unanimous in their feeling that something is not quite right in their lives.
Dr. Neill Neill
The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.
Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.
The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.
A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…
Dr. Neill Neill
You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."
The five conditions were
Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…
Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?
Dr. Neill Neill
Many marriages start off as good marriages, but over time turn stale or even hostile. At any given time huge numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage.
If you were to delve, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can mess up a marriage, but neglect the following at your peril.
Dr. Neill Neill
If you are like most of us, there are some things you’d like to change in yourself. Perhaps you’ve even made New Years resolutions to change.
This kind of commitment is good. Commitment is one key to losing weight, getting in shape, learning a new skill, finding your soul mate, getting a better job, learning a new language, running a marathon, going back to school, drinking less, spending time with your kids or communicating better with your partner.
Commitment gets things going.
You may be one of those people who can commit to personal change and follow through just like the women in the weight-loss adds on TV. If so, congratulations!
Enter Self Sabotage
If you are like most of us and run into problems following through, however, perhaps you are sabotaging your intentions without even realizing it. Does the following example apply to you in any way?
Have you ever wondered where the guilt you sometimes feel is coming from? Do you think to yourself that you have nothing to be guilty about, yet you feel a twinge of guilt from time to time? Do you wonder if the guilt could be keeping you stuck in less than full mental health? Then read on.
I’m going to suggest one place guilt feelings come from and a simple way to reduce them.
When you were a child you were probably told a number of times that you should look both ways before you cross the street. Then when you mother would check up on you just before crossing a street, you would tell her with glee, "I should look both ways."
The answer comes from positive psychology. It lies in taking conscious control of something that you are already doing on a ’sunny day,’ and then extending that action to every other day until it becomes a habit.
