If you are like most of us, there are some things you’d like to change in yourself. Perhaps you’ve even made New Years resolutions to change.
This kind of commitment is good. Commitment is one key to losing weight, getting in shape, learning a new skill, finding your soul mate, getting a better job, learning a new language, running a marathon, going back to school, drinking less, spending time with your kids or communicating better with your partner.
Commitment Gets Things Going
You may be one of those people who can commit to personal change and follow through just like the women in the weight-loss adds on TV. If so, congratulations!
Enter Self Sabotage
If you are like most of us and run into problems following through, however, perhaps you are sabotaging your intentions without even realizing it. Does the following example apply to you in any way?
Fred (fictitious name) is an admitted functioning alcoholic. He holds a good job, but although he won’t admit it to anyone, he knows alcohol is taking a toll on his productivity and his health. He spends evenings with his wife and kids, but he’s more present to his glass than he is to them.
Fred has repeatedly tried to cut back on his drinking and occasionally, like for the past month, he has even managed to stop drinking altogether for a time. But every attempt has eventually failed. Repeated failure, of course, does nothing for his self confidence and mental heath. In Fred’s own words,
I have a drink and then I just don’t stop. It starts with a drink with my friends after work. Then I pick up a bottle and take it home so I can have one drink. Then I have two or three. Within a week I’m drinking just as much as I ever did—or more. I can’t seem to change. It’s always the same. It’s just the way I am.
Before you read on, can you spot how Fred is sabotaging his attempts to change? Read what he said again if you need to.
Be Clear about the Remedy
Now, notice how Fred described his alcoholism in the present tense. He quite obviously has been talking about it that way for some time. And he is telling the truth as he sees it. Although Fred had no alcohol for a month, he said,
I have a drink…I don’t stop…I pick up a bottle…I take it home…I have one drink…I have two or three…I’m drinking…I can’t seem to change…It’s always the same…It’s just the way I am.
The problem is that Fred’s truth is about the past, that is, how it has been up to the recent past.
By repeatedly stating his problems in the present tense, he continues to anchor these ‘truths’ in his identity.
The alcoholism has become part of his identity as a human being. It is how he sees himself. It is the message he sends to his subconscious mind and to the universe every day.
If this is his daily message to the universe, how could a mere New Year’s resolution possibly change anything? The answer is, “It can’t!”
Fortunately for the human race there is a way around the problem that allows the desired changes to come about.
The Key: Let the Past Stay in the Past
When you want personal change, talking about the past as if it is the present is a huge form of self sabotage.
Let’s reword what Fred said, putting the past in the past:
When I had a drink, I just didn’t stop. It started with a drink with my friends after work. Then I would pick up a bottle and take it home so I could have one drink. Then I would have two or three. Within a week I was drinking just as much as I ever did—or more. I couldn’t seem to change. It was always the same. It’s just the way I was.
Can you see and feel the difference? Read the two versions out loud if you need to.
Get this: If you want to clear the way for the new to emerge, never use the present tense to describe what was true of your life in the past.
Try it Right Now with Your Own Wants
Think of three things you want to change, and write them down in the past tense. Now for each one use the present tense to write down what you want the change to look like and read these out loud a few times.
Change is an exercise in allowing things to happen, but you have to get out of the way.
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My wife is a recovering alcoholic …
Let me start by saying I completely understand the alcoholics dance , I have been doing it for eight years now and am bitter, upset with myself and I quit. We have a beautiful 7 year old boy in first grade who has Asperger’s.
My wife considers herself a sabotage alcoholic. When everything is going well in our lives , that’s when she jumps back to alcohol and I mean in a scary way. She will down a liter of vodka like water , hold it down as long as possible ( inevitably it comes back up ) but by then way to drunk to function. She hides any sneak drinking from me well but each time I back off ( the alcoholics dance ) she falls again.
She seemed to behave ( listen to me behave , damn!) She didn’t drink as far as I know for a year and I decided to go to Superbowl very last minute. My mom called half way through flight and told me she was passed out on couch but son was fine only because my mom was watching him. She continued this way til I got back from trip. Only reason I finished trip was because I knew my mom had care of my son.
I feel different this time ( which is not the first fall for her). I supported her when I got home, expressed concern for her medically and told her very emphatically that thats the last dance. She full well expected me to kick her out right then and there, I think, or so she admitted. I fear for the safety of my son as she has driven with him in car while she has been drinking in the past, and did this past time also.
She embarrassed herself and her friends with her behavior and had to eat a lot of crow as she used to run her AA meetings for the past year. She had to walk up in front of all her newer friends and collect a 24 hour coin for sobriety which stunned the crowd at AA.
She again seems stable for now and totally understands that I am finished. I live in a state where it is near impossible without the mom\’s consent to separate ( even due to alcoholism or drug abuse ) the mother and the child via a divorce. I do not feel bad any more telling her I am done and I will do everything in my power to leave her and keep my son so he doesn’t have to grow up around an alcoholic. OK now reality I feel horrible, I will follow thru on my threat, but I would never turn any human being out into the cold. I will give her all the support I can financially but fear she will fail miserably on her own. I cry at the drop of a hat because my life is falling apart at my feet and I am so not in control of it , feeling very scattered and uncomfortable with myself. I just want my son safe . Please help me make any of this make sense . Sorry I am babbling it is alot to get out at once …
Sincerely
Will
Self-sabatoge – wow. That explains so much in my life! I have written down my past statements (weight gain/loss/gain/loss/gain) and have reworded it to “I used to eat poorly.” I am happy to say – this IS going to work! I have seen a nutrionist and I am committed to being healthy and NOT self sabatoging myself again! THANK YOU!
My husband has been an alcoholic for about 5 yrs now and has been sober for periods of 15 months, but then will drink to test to see if he can. He will sabotage birthdays, events, important events for me, such as a pending interview. He wont seek help, nor can he identify why he does it and what are his triggers. I wish there was some help out there… it feels like he is drowning and i can only watch and criticize and not help.
Terry,
There is help out there if he wants to change and there is help out there for you too.