Neill Neill, Ph.D.

Choosing well is the foundation for a good marriage. Yet choosing is one of the most neglected pieces of the process of meeting, bonding, marrying, living life together and possibly having children. Choose well: the good and bad outcomes of your choice will shape your life, whether a first or second marriage, a Christian marriage, a common-law marriage, a mixed-race marriage or a same-sex marriage.

1.           Can you accept each other as you are, warts and all? You can’t change another person and you have absolutely no right to try to change your spouse. At the same time don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.  

This in no way means that you have to be the same.  Acceptance of yourself and each other can accommodate wide differences between you.

Acceptance is the most basic issue. If you can’t accept the reality of each other, walk.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

I am tickled that someone nominated Practical Psychology for Capable People for the Blog of the Day Award and am so grateful to have been selected for the award for January 29, 2007. Thank you to my readers. Thank you to the reviewers at Blog of the Day Awards.

The Blog of the Day Award furthers the big goal, the mission, of Practical Psychology for Capable People, which is to provide practical psychological and spiritual nourishment, guidance and tips for self growth daily to thousands of visitors from around the world, so that we can all achieve more peace and fulfillment in our lives. This is my vision.

If you share my vision and want to help, send your questions, comments and suggestions. Tell your family and friends about the blog. Join my email list.

If you can, send money. My circumstance don't yet allow me to scale back my practice to free up time for writing during the week. Financial donations will make this happen sooner.

And above all bookmark the site and come back often.

Blessings, 

Neill

Neill Neill, Ph.D. 

Is the "functioning alcoholic" some sort of mythical figure, or does he actually exist and move among us?

Mark comments in his short article entitled "A Functional Alcoholic?" on the fact people often say at Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, "I was a functioning alcoholic." http://www.adozensteps.com/a-functional-alcoholic/

He argues from the perspective of a twelve-step program that there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic.

I’ve maintained in other writings on alcoholism that "functioning" means three things:

1. You are functioning well in all areas of your life, not just on your job.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

I just read a disturbing article in the New York Times, disturbing because its implications go far beyond the scope of the article.

The article is entitled, "What’s a Pound of Prevention Really Worth?" by David Leonhardt. He talks about a cardiologist who characterizes himself as "an accidental diet doctor." Dr. Arthur Agatston of South Beach Diet fame now claims that "Heart attacks are essentially disappearing from my practice."

The big picture of what he is saying and taking action on is simple. We know many of the factors that prevent heart attacks, both medical and lifestyle, so a vigorous prevention program reduces the risk by "up to 80 percent."

The problem is it takes a committed patient, frequent visits, nurses, nutritionists and others to succeed.

And according to the article his practice is losing money. Why?

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Neill Neill Ph.D.

A Story of Healing 

One time years ago I was treating two young women who were both showing signs of depression and grief and in general having a hard time in life. Both lived in a large city and didn’t know each other.

Neither could afford to pay for psychotherapy so their mothers were footing the bill.

It turned out that one had suffered sexual abuse as a child and the other as a teen had been in a couple of serious accidents causing physical injury, plus some other severe trauma in the interval between the two accidents.

We focused on clearing the aftereffects of trauma and were progressing very well with the work. Both were coming out of their depression. Both were no longer grieving their losses, one her loss of childhood (sexual abuse does this), and the other her loss of a carefree healthy transition from child to adult.

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Dr. Neill Neill, Ph.D., R.Psych., D,CEP

Welcome to Practical Psychology for Capable People, for secrets to a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Practical Psychology for Capable People is your place for practical tips, insights and wisdom for a better life. Whether you wnt some marriage advice, are struggling with alcoholism in your family, facing some midlife changes or simply wanting more peace in your life, this is your place to pause, reflect… and change.

I regulary post new articles here, often as a reflection of your questions and concerns. So bookmark this site and return often and leave your comments and questions.

For starters my gift to you is a free download of a short, very practical ebook I wrote, The Personal Change Manifesto.  I will send you an e-mail, entitled Practical Psychology for Capable People each time I publish a new article.

Enter your first name and email address in the box on the left and watch your inbox for instructions.

Neill

By Neill Neill, Ph.D.

We all know people who bully their way through life. Through bluster and intimidation they get what they want at the expense of other people.

This column is not about schoolyard bullying. It’s about the models we provide to our children who then become bullies or their victims.

The bullies in adult life are the bosses who exude the message "My way or the highway." They are the men and women who hijack a committee by jockeying themselves into the position of chairperson, and then through force of position and personality, get the committee to endorse what they want. Your choice is to go along with them or resign.

Bullying is the antithesis of leadership. The leader inspires people to bring out their best while pursuing a common goal. The bully intimidates. The leader has a high respect for others. The bully respects no one, except, of course, a bigger bully.

We find bullying in the workplace, in government, in places of religion in education and in the family. Our children are exposed to these models every day.

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By Neill Neill, Ph.D

I just finished reading an interesting article by Dave Shearon about positive psychology in the workplace, "Sure they’ll think you are smart, but will they want to work for you? " published in The Positive Psychology News Daily.

He talks about how happiness and being positive are downplayed in the workplace, yet he goes on to say, "Positive psychology researchers have shown that happy, optimistic, hopeful individuals, in addition to living longer and healthier lives and having better relationships, are also more successful." If you’ve ever wondered about ‘looking smart,’ read his article.

Mr. Shearon gives positive-psychology-based seminars to lawyers. I am a professional psychologist, so I wondered if the same comments apply to my profession. I concluded that indeed they do.

Because of confidentiality issues, I cannot observe directly other psychologists at work with their clients. But I do hear reports like "He’s really intelligent, but I didn’t feel hopeful when I left," or "She’s smart, but I don’t think she’s happy."

I was once criticized by a supervisor for laughing in sessions with clients. But for the last number of years I’ve been in solo private practice and haven’t had the constraints of a supervisor. I am by nature a happy, positive person and going solo has been a fascinating experience.

I perceive some interesting things to have happened over the course of my practice.

• First of all, the amount of laughter in my sessions has increased year by year, while the tears shed by clients in my sessions have decreased. (Some weeks produce no tissue in my wastebasket.)
• Secondly, the number of sessions it takes to help my clients through what brought them in the door has steadily decreased over the years.
• Thirdly, my local reputation as a psychologist/healer has grown over the course of my practice. My referrals are the people with the most severe problems.

I love positive psychology. Thank you Dr. Martin Seligman for legitimizing my work.

Neill

Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active psychology and life-coaching practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He is a member of the treatment team at Sunshine Coast Health Centre, an addiction treatment facility for men. He writes regular newspaper and magazine columns on healing and self growth. He holds a vision of expansion of the human store of hope, happiness and generosity of spirit.

Is Your Marriage Partner a Functioning Alcoholic?

Neill Neill, Ph.D.

There are many tests for alcoholism on the internet, so why do we need another one? The simple answer is that most of them aren’t very practical.

Most of the tests for alcoholism are "self-tests" and are therefore aimed at the wrong person. They are designed for someone who is wondering, "Do I have an alcohol problem?"

The irony is, serious problem drinkers probably won’t take the test because they don’t want to have their suspicions confirmed. The typical functioning alcoholic isn’t interested in questioning his alcohol abuse. And if the signs of alcoholism are more advanced, no test is necessary to recognize the alcoholism.

The Alcoholism Test on this site is designed for anyone who thinks their partner has a drinking problem and perhaps suspects the drinking has progressed to alcoholism.

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

I have long argued that more optimistic people live happier more fulfilling lives. This is basic positive psychology. We maximize our sense of wellbeing by focusing on what we want, not on what we don’t want. Optimistic people seem to have a brightness of the future. Their more pessimistic compatriots worry about the future.

Today I read an interesting New York Times article about mortality among optimistic versus pessimistic older adults. It was entitled "Yet Another Worry for Those Who Believe the Glass Is Half-Empty." It starts off with, "Now, it seems, pessimists may really have something to worry about: their health."

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