We think of the Christmas holidays as a time of joy and celebration, a time of giving and receiving, and above all, a family time.
Unfortunately for lots of us, life intervenes and we find ourselves dealing with grief at the holidays. Many are entering the Christmas season with a keen awareness that one or more of their family will be missing, whether by death, divorce or circumstance.
In mid-December, 2008, my daughter Monique died, and earlier that year our son Colin died. In late 2006 my son Richard died. My wife and I are already discussing the gap Colin’s absence will leave in our Christmas.
Monique’s mother, my ex-wife, lost her husband two weeks before Monique died. I don’t have to speak with her to know that she is entering the Christmas season with a heightened awareness of her losses, as we are with ours.
So the question is this: is there a way to enjoy the holiday season while dealing with grief?
Back in my 30s I was separated from my young children for a few years. In the process of dulling the pain I became an alcoholic. Trying to be unconscious of the pain was dumb, and I paid a high price to realize it.
Years later two of our adult children were not getting along with each other and refused to come to our place for Christmas if the other one was going to be here. We made a conscious decision to try something quite different for us: we went away on holiday. We did that for three Christmases until the kids had sorted out their differences and become friends again. We missed the kids, so it wasn’t a perfect solution, but it was much better than remaining in the midst of conflict and hoping for a reality that wasn’t to be.
With our losses of the recent past, we are deliberately being quite conscious of the absences. We will have our own rituals for acknowledging and celebrating the lives of our children who have passed on. We may hang stockings. We certainly will talk as much as we want to about Monique, Colin, and Richard—how they enriched the lives of others, and what they taught us.
Christmas only has to be a dreaded time if you make it so. If you are dealing with loss this Christmas, make up your own rituals to acknowledge yourself and the one now absent. Drink less so you can remain more conscious of their absence and of your own presence. If possible, connect with others who know your loss, and without judgment can accept your need to acknowledge your loss. Avoid people who will make it their mission to cheer you up and make you forget.
Talk to your cat; pets get it.
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Thank You for sharing this article. My son died suddenly Jan 2010, so this will be the first Xmas he won’t be there–he was only 34——and to be honest the thought of him not being here is on my mind a lot—–I don’t dread Xmas, because I love the spiritual meaning of it, but things just feel different—
I don’t really know where I will be that day or with who, but I must do something to honor His memory even if no one else steps up to do so.
I am also a CADC and will be around people that are away from there loved ones, for many reasons….some do not even acknowledge the Day!! I do know that it is very important to be around people that care for you, and where it is safe to feel your feelings——-
Well, I hope your Holiday is nice, and may the memories of your loved ones warm and bring peace to your Heart.
I had no idea you had suffered so much loss. We lost our 22 year old son to suicide three years ago and just now the pain is beginning to ease. thank you for your newsletters.
Dear Dr. Neill,
I cannot imagine surviving losses such as you and your family have. I could not do it. We are dealing w/ an absent family member and cannot talk to our dog about it because he just passed suddenly over Thanksgiving, devastating us.
But we are trying. We are keeping it together for other family as well as for ourselves first and also for our remaining pets.
Thank you for your columns; they are most helpful.
I lost my eldest son in July of 2008 and am still walking around like a zombie. I can’t imagine dealing with the loss of three children. You must be very strong.
I so much enjoy your articles & insight. Plus, am constantly amazed
at all the adversities you’ve had to face…yet are HERE to give others
hope, direction & suggestions on how to cope.
Myself, yet another Christmas spent alone because of divorce, alcohol
& drug abuse and all the dysfunction created by a/m.
I’m going to take your advice and talk to my pet…for certain, my wee
dog will understand how I’m feeling and will not diminish my existence
as others have done.
God Bless You.
Grief is hard at anytime but the holiday’s and anniversaries are difficult. I have drank my way through holidays, avoided flying to my family for holidays and tried to pretend it was just another day. None of these ever diminished the heavy emotional feelings and thoughts. Loss of family members in particular hit hard.
What has helped is living in the moment, acknowledging that though the people are no longer “here”, they are always with me, and being with people who do not try to cheer me up and avoid discussing the people no longer with us. To remember is to live again. Spiritual guidance and connection always helps me through good times and painful times and also helping others are the keys in my life that I can count on.
Grief is hard at anytime but the holiday’s and anniversaries are difficult. I have drank my way through holidays, avoided flying to my family for holidays and tried to pretend it was just another day. None of these ever diminished the heavy emotional feelings and thoughts. Loss of family members in particular hit hard. What has helped is living in the moment, acknowledging that though the people are no longer “here”, they are always with me, and being with people who do not try to cheer me up and avoid discussing the people no longer with us. To remember is to live again. Spiritual guidance and connection always helps me through good times and painful times and also helping others are the keys in my life that I can count on.
I so much enjoy your articles & insight. Plus, am constantly amazed at all the adversities you’ve had to face…yet are HERE to give others hope, direction & suggestions on how to cope. Myself, yet another Christmas spent alone because of divorce, alcohol & drug abuse and all the dysfunction created by a/m. I’m going to take your advice and talk to my pet…for certain, my wee dog will understand how I’m feeling and will not diminish my existence as others have done. God Bless You.
I lost my mom a few months ago. We were alone together for 32 years. Christmas was such a fun and festive time for us. I decorated from top to bottom. My mom was my whole world. I put up a few decorations today, but it broke my heart. I miss her so much as I am all alone now. We were so very close. She was my very best friend. This Christmas I decided to avoid tradition and go to Cuba this year. I really would rather Christmas pass me by and I guess a trip hopefully will help ease my heartbreak, even a little.