Have you ever noticed that as you grow older in a relationship, each partner changes? Sometimes the change is internal brought on by a great external change in your relationship—like the birth of a new baby. Do you notice that your partner has changed? Or do you still view them as they were when you first got together?
Jane and John seem to be at an impasse… He criticizes her for being so depressed and negative “all the time.” She criticizes him for “always” going drinking with his friends before he comes home from work.
Last year they both started new jobs they enjoy and are good at. Their son, James, is six years old and loves school.
Jane responds to John’s comments about her depression with, “I was quite depressed for about a year after James was born, but I got over it. I admit I’m unhappy you won’t let go of it.”
When she gets on his case about his drinking after work, he protests that he stopped that practice several years ago. Now it’s only the occasional single drink—three times this year. She comes back with, “But you always want to go out with your drinking buddies.”
What is the reality?
Jane’s coworkers see her as happy and positive. So does her doctor.
If you were to ask any of John’s coworkers about his drinking, they would say with a puzzled look he hardly ever joins them for a drink after work. The last time was three or four months ago, and he left after one beer.
Some variation of this story plays out in the lives of most of us at some time or other, so let’s look deeper.
There had been a big external change in their lives, the birth of their son. A new child took their focus away from each other.
Each went through a major internal change. Jane went through post-partum depression and recovery. As a new parent John did a lot of self reflection on his drinking habits and decided being a good father was much more important to him than being with his drinking buddies.
John knew he had changed; Jane knew she had changed. The problem was neither of them had kept in touch with the changes their partner was going through. Each was reacting to the other as they remembered them from five years ago. Neither was seeing today’s version of their partner. And each of them was frustrated that their partner couldn’t see they’d changed.
The real change, the internal change, was invisible to the other, making it easy to discount the visible external change as exceptions.
Seeing the reality was no problem for the new coworkers, because they didn’t have the lens of an old version to look through.
The solution is to reconnect with healthy, intimate communication, whenever communication suffers an interrupt, as it had with John and Jane. Otherwise, you could find yourself one day uttering that old line, “I’m so glad I met you; my spouse doesn’t understand me.”
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. http://drneillneill.com
http://neillneill.com
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It can be difficult to see when a partner changes. The typical first sign is a sense of tension, with neither partner understanding its source. I agree that open communication can help IF each knows how to communicate constructively. In your article, neither partner was listening to the other. They were caught in defensive ruts. That is not open communication.
There seems to be something else underlying their behavior. People do not normally continue to see their partners as they were in the past….these two were hanging on to negative thoughts about the other. The reason for doing so should be explored.
Daniele, you make a good point. Usually there is a lot more going on by the time a couple comes in to see me. However, getting each to see the other as they are today, not as they were some time ago, is often one of the first challenges we have to meet.
My issue is a challenging one in that it deals with how partners change through time. My husband was isa recovering alcoholic, and I am not. He has brought a lot of healthy habits into his life which is jsut wonderful. However, though I am nto a heavy drinker, I enjoy my wine 2-3 evenings a week at home while I prepare meals, its fun and enjoyable and once I eat, I have no desire to drink any more.
My husband does not lke my personality when I have a glass of wine, he finds me louder and sometimes a fair bit too flamboyant or, mouthy. He wishes for me to not drink anymore, as he feels disconnected from me when I do.
Our marriage vows were about acceptance of who we are as individuals, and unconditional love.
I feel I should be able to maintain the right to enjoy, as I do especially where I do not have drinking problem, I genuineely enjoy as many do.
Should I really ah ve to give up because of his success and in needing give up? To me, I am afraid I will harbour resentment because I have to give up something I enjoy, to accommadate his personal changes.
What do you think?
Hi Barb,
Good for your husband in cleaning up! He did what he needed/wanted to do. Many who stop drinking go through a time when others’ drinking anything bothers them. Some even get judgmental. It’s a phase. Part of recovery is coming to terms with that and accepting that most people do drink without negative consequences. Hopefully he’ll get there.
I was a heavy-duty drinker a long time ago and I don’t drink at all now. My wife enjoys a sherry in the evening and some wine when we go out. I enjoy her enjoyment.
My suggestion to you is to keep on with your enjoyable and responsible practice. Have discussions around acceptance of the changes and the things that don’t change in the course of a marriage.