Jackie asked me how many drinks could her husband have in a day before she should worry. She says he drinks three or four beers in the evening on work nights and a lot more on weekends when he doesn’t have to go to work the next day. She thinks he may be a functioning alcoholic.
Kevin worries that his wife’s three or four glasses of wine in the evening could be the beginning of alcoholism. Alcoholism runs in her family.
Both Jackie and Kevin were quite surprised to find their partners’ consumption was well above what are considered low-risk drinking levels… I quote some information on safe alcohol consumption levels below. First, it would be good to name a few of the “risks” that go with drinking more than the Guidelines suggest as safe.
If you’re interested, I’ll write more about each of the risk areas in future articles.
What Risks come with drinking too much alcohol?
Disease
Too much alcohol directly causes a number of diseases. The one that comes to mind immediately is cirrhosis of the liver. It also contributes to a number of diseases, including some cancers. Many of the diseases lead to death.
The length of the list diseases with which alcohol can be associated surprised me.
Mental Disorders
Alcohol dependence (alcoholism) is the obvious mental disorder associated with alcohol consumption. Did you even realize alcoholism is classified as a mental disorder?
Marriage and family breakdown
Under the Alcoholism Test on this website, many of you have left heart-wrenching stories of what your partner’s alcohol abuse is doing to your marriage and your children. In fact, the fear of marriage breakdown is the single biggest area of comment. Assisting women in relationships with functioning alcoholic partners is a major part of my practice.
Unintentional Injury (Accidents)
The most obvious injuries that alcohol consumption causes or contributes to are those resulting from automobile accidents. Many of these are fatal.
Intentional Injury
About 30,000 Americans die from suicide every year and research shows that at least one third of those were abusing alcohol or were alcohol dependent (alcoholics). Alcoholics, about 7% of them, eventually die by committing suicide. Alcohol plays a big role in other intentional injury besides suicide, including spousal assault.
How much can I drink before I am at risk in one or more of these areas?
The Low Risk Drinking Guidelines define a standard drink as 5 oz. of wine, 1.5 oz of spirits or 12 oz. of beer. (Remember, coolers and some beers have more alcohol than a standard drink.)
Not drinking at all carries the lowest risk for an alcohol-related problem. The risk is not zero, however, because you could be killed by a drinking driver, as my mother was.
The guidelines for low-risk drinking set the limit at two standard drinks in any one day. They further set a weekly limit of 14 standard drinks for men and 9 for women.
To a former alcoholic these limits seem comically low, but the research suggests that the risks go up substantially if you drink more than the two drinks and 14 or 9 total for the week.
As low as these limits may seem, the Guidelines go on to say they only apply if you are physically and mentally healthy, are not on certain medications, have no family history of addiction or cancer, are not pregnant, are not playing sports and are not doing anything that requires alertness, like operating machinery. Otherwise, the risks go up with just one or two drinks.
If you read this and say to yourself, “I’m alright; I only have a couple of drinks after work,” beware.
Everyone, it seems, underestimates how much they drink. In surveys where people are asked how much they drink, their estimates account for only about one third of actual alcohol sales. The ‘forgetting,’ underestimating and denial is consistent, regardless of social status, age or sex. Something to think about?
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i drink quite alot at the weekend that dont make me and alcholic im nt dependonta on it all week !!!!!!!! x
Thanks! This info helped my school work!!!
Keepsafe!!
Hi Dr. Neill,
I had emailed you previously, (Sean is a 21-year old man who had emailed me privately about a lot of strange physical symptoms he has continued to experience after excessive drinking. -Neill)
You have the details of what is going on, so I’ll try to make this a bit of a brief update. I saw an ENT recently about this whole thing and he did a laryngoscope of my throat, including the trachea and windpipe. He visualized the area where I was having irritation and saw no irritation/inflammation or any signs of "acid", so he ruled out reflux. He said one doesn’t just develop reflux overnight or have symptoms of it overnight.
He also said since my endoscopy showed nothing that could cause this, and I was unresponsive to the antacids/PPI’s, that this is not an acid problem. He wants to do an ultrasound of my thyroid, and says that this could be psychological stress.
I am taking a homeopathic herb at the prescription of a homeopath to try and help with this. A new symptom is a burning sensation I get around my neck, specifically high up around the back of it that can spread to my shoulders at times. I also become dizzy and get heart palpitations after I eat. I almost feel semi-intoxicated after eating, which is unusual for me. I’ve had a normal EKG test at the beginning of all this, so I’m not sure if that rules out a heart cause.
I was looking into environmental allergens to see if that could possibly be the cause as well. I have 3 birds staying in the house (not mine, they are here temporarily, have been for a few years) that could possibly be causing my problems, but I’ve never had a problem with them before.
At this point I am trying to figure out if trying gin for the first time caused all this, or maybe I was leading up to some type of imbalance that happened to be set off at the time of the gin. My symptoms are very strange and many people I’ve talked to have hinted at a "body imbalance", but I’m trying to find out what it is or how I can fix it.
I have remained sober for quite some time now, but this has not cured me. The hardest thing about this is maintaining a positive attitude and mood. Sometimes I feel like I’m no longer myself because I cannot enjoy the things I used to, and my sense of well-being has suffered a bit from the annoyance of my symptoms and uncertainty as to what this is or when it will pass.
I do not intend to drink my problems away, or ignore them. I want to fix them.
Please let me know if you have any advice for me.
Thanks – Sean
Dear Sean,
I want to be clear up front that I am a psychologist, not a medical doctor, so I can’t give you medical advice.
However, your story has a strange similarity to my own–a variety of physical symptoms that the medics couldn’t explain.
I was 36 and had been sick off and on for about a year. I was hospitalized for a duodenal ulcer, which turned out not to exist. Then I was hospitalized for a gall bladder attach, only to find my gall bladder was fine. Later, due to extreme pain in my chest, left shoulder and left arm, the suspicion was heart attack. My heart was and is fine. Then it was a hernia–excruciating pain in the groin and lower abdomen–no again.
I saw a number of specialists before I finally went to the Mayo clinic in Rochester Minnesota for a full workup. All systems came out clean, but I still had symptoms, so I asked for a psychiatric referral. The Mayo clinic psychiatrist I saw concluded (or speculated) that through my excessive drinking I had developed a sensitivity (allergy-like) to alcohol.
He went on to explain “projected symptoms.” Apparently, when one’s body is reacting to a toxin, in my case, metabolically, the symptoms can be projected to some other seemingly unrelated part of the body. He said the mechanism of this is not understood, but he had encountered it a number of times with alcoholics in his practice at the Mayo. Projected symptoms obviously make diagnosis very difficult
His recommendation was that I stop drinking for five months and “see what happens.” I stopped and within a few months most of the symptoms had disappeared.
Some years later I drank 1/2 oz. of wine for a toast. A day and a half later I had such pain in the groin that my wife was urging me to check into the hospital. Then I remembered the wine. We waited. The pain was completely gone a day later.
The Mayo experience was 30 years ago. Needless to say I don’t drink.
I don’t mean to suggest that you are experiencing the same thing, but you at least could use my experience as another line of inquiry while you pursue the medical investigation. You might want to add to your list of specialists one in environmental allergens, just in case it was something concentrated in the gin with which you are still in contact elsewhere.
I wish I could be of more help.
Neill
Hi. I don’t drink much. It doesn’t take much for me to get typsy so I don’t drink while out. I may have a glass of wine on rare occassions just because I feel like one. Once a month or once every two months. When used to drink, I found that I was doing so out of depression and that caused me to stop because I didn’t want to for that reason. I sense have decided to help myself out and see a psychologist. I am married to a man who is a functioning drinker but he neglects me terribly. He pays the bills but that is not enough for me so I have some big choices to make. He wont change because he sees nothing wrong with it. Thanks for your website.
Dear Dr. Neill,
I just came across your website after a long frustrating Christmas/New Year
holiday. I have been browzing information regarding alcoholism, as I am
about at the end of my rope living with my “functioning alcoholic” husband.
He has been drinking beer since attending college, and has continued
for the past 30 years. He has a great job and he is very hard worker. To everyone around us, he seems like the perfect husband and provider. To keep the illusion, I worked hard keep him happy and help him to quit drinking by
being the best wife I could be, and then when I couldn’t, I would keep myself busy with my children and activities to hide the fact that there was a problem. I continue to make excuses to family and friends, try and fix problems and took over almost all decisions that pertained to our home
and family. My children now grown and in their 20′s have realized the problem, and not sure if it’s because they are older, or he is just getting
worse. I also find myself leaning on them for support to help
me find a way to deal with it. I can see that I continue to cause more harm than good. I worry so much also about his health. He doesn’t eat but once a day at dinner , but before that he’ll have at least
4-6 beers a day (up to 12 or more on the weekend…he just polished off 30
between New Years Eve and day.
Whenever he uses the bathroom, the bowels are very loose…and I hear many times a moaning sound or heavy breathing. This scares me. He sleeps all the
time and has absolutely no lust for life. He is bringing me down, and I am
stressed and depressed. My children are pretty much gone, and with their
absense and the need for companionship, this has also taken me to a place of infidelity due to my feelings of lonliness. I’m not sure I want to stay married to this man.
I have no feelings for him, but I don’t want to see him hurt himself anymore.
Any information or advice you can offer would be of great help. I’ll
be ordering your book as soon as I can. Our finances are now in shambles!!
I’m so frustrated!!
Hi Dr. Neill,
An acquaitance died last Monday due to difficulty in breathing and eventually choking. He has been drinking (beer) for the last 3 days. I can’t understand how this may have happened to him. Please enlighten me.
Thanks,
Ann
I will try and make this long story short. My husband did not drink for 11 or 12 years at all but has been again for the last 2 or 3. It is getting very bad. (I am so embarassed to say that he has been wetting the bed for a month or so now) It started out once in awhile and the last couple weeks it has been at least 3 times a week. I know this is not a good sign. He has heart problems and high blood pressure for which he is on coumadin and other medicine. He also has bad asthma and I have noticed him choking in his sleep lately. He has many, many tiny ulcers inside and is also on medicine for that. He was just in the hospital a few weeks ago because his hemoglobin was below 7 and normal is about 14. The doctor said next time it could be fatal. He is not taking care of himself and I am also ashamed to say that we had to file a reorganization through the courts. ( It’s a form of bankruptcy but not total – you pay back some of the bills over a three year period. I am so upset about this because I had no idea how bad things were. He kept telling me things were fine and he always goes to work so I thought they were ok – financially anyway. I am so afraid that if he keeps drinking he will tell me things are ok again until we can’t pay our taxes and then we will lose our home of 24 years. He promised me we would do a budget but even in our present situation he always has excuses for that. I love this man but I don’t know what to do now except pray. Should I seek counseling? I feel I am getting desperate and sometimes he admits he might need help and other times he doesn’t. Any encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much, CindiSu
Dear CindiSu,
I’m sorry you are in this impossible situation. Your description suggests that he wants to die and is moving in that way fairly quickly. Possibly if you left him, it would be enough a jolt to him that he would try to do something about his problem. There are no guarantees. Without such a jolt, he will probably continue on his present path.
Yes, get some support, and if you can, get some professional help to see you through this. Talk with your doctor (and your minister) about what’s happening. Part of what you are going through is grief.
I’ve been there. I was the heavy-drinking husband…until I cleaned up. I have had to watch as three of my children deteriorated and died. All three had a history of substance abuse. I feel your pain.
Neill
Dr.Neill,
I am so glad I found this website, alot of these women sound alot like me. My husband has drank for as long as I can remember. I met him at the age of 15 and enjoyed partying with him. When we finally married at the age of 22 I never took a look at the big picture. Now here we are 30 years later and my husband/friend is lost inside this obnoxiuos drunk. He`s a beer drinker, he`s not violent, but loves to complain about everything.
Our grown sons went through bad marriages and are now back at home. My husband has always worked and kept the bills paid. But we`ve never had anything more than fixer uppers in both cars and home, these things don`t get done or half way get done. He`s always provoking fights with our sons, just hoping they`ll want to go out in the yard. He doesn`t go anywhere he cant drink, so he missed their births, their graduations, their marriages and the birth of our grandson(just to name a few)My oldest son recently decided to see just how much my husband actually drinks,so he started counting the beer tops every friday collected in the coca-cola cap catcher, 1wk.179, next wk.133, next week, 111.Then he caught on to him and now he throws his caps away.
Our sex life is non existant because he cant perform most of the time,he smells, he doesnt brush his teeth and what few he has are rotting out. He has all kinds of aches and pains but will not go to the doctor. I`ve left him before, but this leads to MORE drinking and I`m scared of what this is doing to him.
Please give me some sort of idea what I`m about to be dealing with health wise for him. It`s already caused me so much stress that I believe it to be the cause of my recent by-pass surgery. I`ve tried to change everything about my life for the past 10 years, no drinking (5yrs) quit smoking (6yrs) and I`m always working on my relationship with God! I`ve started working out at the hospital gym and increased my work load, just to stay away from home as long as I can.
Thank you for letting me vent!!!!
Hi Debra,
Congratulations on working on yourself so diligently. That is exactly what you need to do to get out of the soup.
You ask what you may be facing.
You may be facing his death. My daughter died at 51 after years of drinking too much. She was not what you would call a “drunk,” but she died anyway.
You could die. You know you are already at risk. Recent research is showing that women who are depressed (your situation has to be depressing)have a greatly increased risk of sudden heart death.
You may be facing another month or decade of the same. If it’s a decade, you may not be around that long.
His death could be long and drawn out, with you as the caretaker long after he is able to work. This would probably kill you, and then he would be in institutional care.
No matter how this plays out you are not with him. The next big step in your own self care is is to go out on your own, that is leave. And that be be your only hope for a ‘life.’ If you decide to go that route, you don’t need to know how you will handle this or that detail. All you need to know is that you are doing it. The universe/God will fill in the details once you make the move.
Love and blessings,
Neill
Dear Neill, Thank you for providing this wonderful community for us, which I have just joined. I have recently started a new relationship and living with a person who has a history of alcohol abuse, but didn’t show much of it when we first got together on Feb. 1. Now he is attending school mon-fri for 5 1/2 hours per day and also works about 28 hours per week 6 days/week as a bar back (he doesn’t drink on the job).
The problem is he has gone from only drinking occasionally to now drinking almost every night after work a 40-oz. malt liquor, and sometimes a gulp of vodka in addition to it. He says it’s the only thing that soothes him, cuz he has had a hard life, and now he is stressed with working all the time, and he also blames me for the continued drinking because I am on his case all the time. Once in a while he drinks a lot more than this amount, but usually it’s just the "40" but with no dinner. He says he doesn’t want to ruin the buzz by eating food.
I love him and have kicked him out a few times but he has nowhere to go cuz of his bills and he can’t afford to pay rent in a decent area. If I stick to kicking him out he will find a shelter or sleep outside and still go to work and school but still drink. So throwing him out does not stop the drinking, but only exacerbates it, because he has more stress and drinking is how he relieves it.
What should I do? I love him and he is never violent toward me– quite the opposite when he is drinking he connnects with me and tries to get closest at these times. He doesn’t understand why it’s a problem for me that he drinks, when to him it’s only affecting him, but not our relationship. I point out his mood swings but he denies he has them and blames me for being too touchy or emotional.
Should I just ignore the drinking and let him live with me, but not drink with him? I don’t want to throw him out again, but how do I help him? He’s indicated a few times that he wants to stop, but not right now. He stopped for three weeks recently. He claims he can stop again when he wants to.
Please advise– I am desperate and don’t want to lose him to this! He is a kind and good person but is troubled! Thanks, Alyson
Dear Alyson,
Yes, don’t drink with him, but ignoring the drinking won’t help either of you.
Unfortunately, the longer you let him live with you, the more likely he is to continue his alcoholism and not do anything to to change it. One of the biggest problems with living with an alcoholic is that you become part of the problem. Why has his death wish (probably unconscious) increased while you have been together?
Suggestion: Require him to move out and ask him to do something about his drinking. The ultimatum would be that he do whatever he has to do to deal with his underlying problems, so that he no longer needs to drink…and doesn’t drink. After he has been clean for a year or so, if both of you want to be together, then go for it, but with the understanding that if he starts again, he takes the action of moving out immediately.
You could date in the meantime, but only when he has been sober for at least a day. Pay attention.
It could happen that you don’t want to continue with him. It could also happen that he finds someone else to look after him.
Remember, he’s a man, not a help project. Allow him to take responsibility for himself.
Sound harsh? It is harsh. But you could be saving both of you from a mountain of grief.
Neill
Dr Neill, even after a year could you really believe that someone had given up the drink? I have lost so much trust in my husband, because they tell you what they know you want to hear. Even my daughter 12 is sick of his drinking. I just hope his depression at the moment doesnt lead to anything. The house is up for auction tomorrow and he sits and cries and sobs downstairs, very sad and I feel guilty, even though I know I didnt make him drink. He is not a bad person. He has clicked a few times, verbally over money and the kids, etc. He is saying that he would be better off dead. He is still somehow getting to work, in a club as the manager, but doesnt eat much.
Even if he gave up for a year I dont think I could live with him again. When you have financial connections with them it is bad, especially if they go to the club and play poker machines. My husband is not very social and when he goes to the club, he just sits and drinks and wastes money, his money. We separated all accounts, but I still pay for everything, off to a solicitor to see how much I have to give him. I know what he gets he will just waste.
It is so hard loving an alcoholic, because you really want to believe that they will just stop and you will lived happily ever after, but it’s always there and I have never seen many happy endings. Go nicole and keith, wish my man had stopped drinking.
Hello, I am real curious as to the best route to take. I am in my mid 40′s, and have drank a 750ml bottle of canadian whiskey every 2-3 days for the past 10 years. I do not drink at work, and have never driven after drinking. I have a real great job, and i usually only drink in the evenings (usually 8pm-12pm, give or take).I have not had any “health issues” to date, but do “feel” the results of my bad decisions. My wife also drinks (usually beer) 8-10 beers, on average of 4-5 evenings a week. We both know that we would be better off to quit, but it has become habit for the both of us. My question is what would be the best way to quit; “cold turkey” or reduction over a set time frame? AND, i am planning on seeing the doctor about this tomorrow to make sure that i am as “ok” as i feel. I have 3 children, 2 of wich are grown and have moved on, and 1 teenager still at home, and i don’t want to be “that person” any longer. Your help would be apreciated….Thanks.
Hi Steve,
I’m glad you are seeing your doc first, because there is no way of telling how much withdrawal discomfort either of you will experience. It would be a good idea to have some medical assistance on hand, especially if you are going cold turkey. Or you could play it safe and both check into a detox facility for a few days.
Understand that stopping drinking is just the first step in a major life change. You could both benefit from coaching or counseling as you recreate your lives. Please don’t let anyone talk you into believing you have an incurable disease and will have to be "in recovery" for the rest of your life. It make take two or three years to make the transition to your new life, but then it’s done.
I personally went cold turkey–from 20 oz of hard stuff per day to zero–and had no ill effects, but the experts later told me that was both unusual and risky. It took about three years of changes before alcohol or its absence was no longer part of my identity. That was over 30 years ago.
Best wishes,
Neill
Doing better…never realized how dependant i had become.For anyone reading this, and if you are questioning if you need to stop…well, you know yourself best, and there is obviously a reason you would question it. My advice…quit now, NOT tomorrow. It is a battle, but it can be won. Many thanx to those who support and my prayers go out to the families who struggle with an alcohol dependant family member. Always try to be there if they decide to get help, but DO NOT support their habit. Thank you again for the help. I will try and post periodically.
I am in the same boat as you exactly only I have 4 wonderful beautiful children. He is choosing alcohol over us and now I dont know where to go. The pain of neglect is awful now he wants us out of the way. I have such a huge broken heart from being married to an alcoholic. He pays the bills and has a great job, is the “super hero” at work and amongst the neighbors and he is friendly and helpful to everyone but me. He says he loves me but the neglect is terrible. For everyone else out there it seems easy to just leave but I’ve been a stay at home mom for 11 years by choice and its not just that easy. My heart breaks everyday.
my husband has been drinking vey heavily for at least 10years. I have caught him on several occassions at home drinking vodka and finding vodka bottles around the house. the mental and emotional abuse is awful but i suppose i always thought he would change. i had my fifth child recently and had to dischage myself from the hospital 3 days after a section as i knew he was drunk every night with the kids at home. it has gotten very bad over the last year especially and he is in a drunken stuper every weekend at home. it is very hard as it is all behind closed doors. after coming out of hospital he was especially bad and after confronting him he stormed out of the house one night after drinking driving with the new baby in the car. he went missing for two hours and never took his phone so was uncontactable. he came home eventually and took the baby from me and wouldn’t give her to me so i slept on the couch that night to mind the baby while she was in his arms. during the night i awoke to the sound of the baby screaming as he had dropped her onto the ground. he didn’t even wake up. thankfully the baby is fine but i am heartbroken. is this was i am going to be going through for the rest of my life? he has started aa and is meeting an addiction counsellor next week but it is me organising all this and making him go. he is off the drink for the last 3 weeks but how long will this last. i have hundreds of stories of his drinking and the emotional abuse of the kids and me; should i just kick him out or can he change????? i feel so sad and angry that i am in this position as a wife of an alcoholic husband.
Dear Tamara,
As I read your story I felt as if I was reading my own. My husband and I have been together for over 23 years, we grew up together. I remember my instincts kicking in when I was young and approaching our wedding date – telling me that his drinking is only going to get worse and even though he says he would never drink in front of our children when we had them, I always knew he would. But I was so utterly and completely in love with him that I ignored those thoughts. My husband is a great guy! He has built his career from the ground up and is now at the top and considers his number one priority to provide for our family. Yet his job causes so much stress on him that he has become someone I wouldln’t even want to be friends with. To everyone else he is a wonderful friend – always coming thru for them and his parents and brothers. No one believes that his drinking is a problem because he is the happy fun guy to them when he drinks. I used to think it was fun too. Not so much anymore. The only person that ever sees the angry and totally disconnected man is me, his wife. He doesn’t talk to me at all – much less communicate with me. I know nothing about his life. His job and his friends are his world – we are completely separate from them. He tries to make up for it with the kids by taking them places and doing fun things once in a while, but the damage is done during all the other time he is around us. I am a non-drinker. Don’t get me wrong, I can go out to a bar with friends and ham it up just like the rest of them, and others having a drink doesn’t bother me one bit. But when my husband drinks he becomes stupid and says and does things that don’t make any sense – and that makes me trully angry and disgusted with him. I have wanted to take the kids and leave so many many times, but my heart just won’t let me do it. So I feel as if I am doomed to a life with a husband that will never show me respect, friendship or even love. The hard part is that I am a completely emotionally driven person. I need love to survive – and the lack of it has turned me in to an angry shell of a woman. I have no friends left because I gave them all up since he never had any interest in them. I am a stay at home mom that can’t go back to my career because I have been out of it for over 11 years and wouldn’t be able to even compete in the field anymore. I can’t leave him because it would put my children and me in such an awful predicament. It is like torture. My husband did give up any drinking for about 10 months and he promised me it would never go back to the way it was – but here we are again and he doesn’t even notice it. At least I know I am not alone. but it sure would feel good if I could find a solution for both of us! I keep reminding myself that I will be damned if my children learn my husband’s and his family’s drinking habits – yet here we all are, in my nightmare, stuck. And I don’t have any family to go to because there wasn’t any love as I was growing up. I guess that is why I can keep pressing on – I am used to being ignored and uncared for. Sad but true. So, good luck to you Tamara! I pray that you find your way to happiness. Please pray for me as well!
hello,
I am trying to get my husband some help. He drinks 4-6 beers and a tall scotch and soda every night. I mean EVERY night. Whatever time he gets home from work he will change his clothes and then go straight to the refrigerator. If he is off work he usually starts drinking beers around 2 or 3pm and then starts on the scotch around 7 or 8pm. I recently worked nights and I recently found out that he drank the same amount when he was at home with our 3 year old be himself. He doesn’t see that he has a problem and when I mention it he gets angry and tells me that if he drinks too much it is my fault for not being a better wife (not in those exact words). Where he comes from drinking all the time is the culture but he has gotten worse. I have been seeing a psychologist and a therapist to help me be more assertive. I recently told him that if he wanted to keep our family together then he would go see someone himself. He agreed, made the appointment (which he is at right now). The night before last he told me he didn’t want to go, then again yesterday. I told him that if he didn’t go then when he got home we wouldn’t be here. Am I overreacting? My grand-father was an alcoholic (died from complications with the disease when he was 53), am I just projecting? How else can I help him?
Thank you for your patience!
It’s a pity you don’t have a donate button! I’d without a doubt donate to this fantastic blog! I guess for now i’ll settle for bookmarking and adding your RSS feed to my Google account. I look forward to new updates and will share this website with my Facebook group. Chat soon!
I have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years. He is honestly really nice. However, as soon as he comes home he pours a glass of wine. Then he has a glass of wine with dinner. Then during the evening he has several more. Eventually he has about 4-6 glasses a night every night. He used to drink hard liquor with soda pop but he got Gout so went to wine. Wine doesn’t bother the Gout. He never gets obnoxious but he can be argumentative when he has had too much. Something he never does when sober. He starts to slur and not make any sense. Can’t remember anything, under-estimates how many glasses of wine he has had and denies he has had too many. Then, when he goes to bed he snores like a freight train. Nothing helps.
I really love this man and he is very loving and caring all the time but I just can’t take the over indulgence. His personality changes. He denies he slurs his words and thinks I am making a joke about it.
I may not be as badly off as some wives but it does bother me. He has promised to stop and usually does but it only lasts a week.
He does not think he has a problem because he says he can stop at any time and he has. However, he goes back to it. Not because he HAS to but because he likes the taste. He likes drinking. I do too but I stop after 1 or 2 and he doesn’t.
This isn’t very good science. Your facts are based on a source that you don’t identify. Assumedly, this is based on the findings of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism found here:
http://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/aa65/AA65.htm
Although their methods may have some merit, you’re dealing with an institution whose very existence is dependent on the conclusion that alcohol is bad for you. I can’t think of a more suitable formula for experimental bias.
Dear Dr Jons,
You make a very good point about the science. It’s about like getting drug companies to support drug research. However, my goal is about helping people to pay attention to their drinking. The “facts” are American. I am Canadian and quite aware of the significant differences that exist among different cultures. This was not in my judgment the context for addressing the science. Nevertheless, your observation is sound.
Alcoholism is not about how MUCH someone drinks, it is about both physical dependence AND how they view alcohol. Type in “international drinking guidelines” into Google. American physicians recommend no more than 2 drinks a day for men, 1 for women. This is one of the lowest amounts in the world recommended. Basque, Spain’s Health Department says up to a bottle of wine per individual is the upper limit of moderation. Italy is three glasses of wine a day. Portgual is also three. A landmark John Hopkins study during the 1970′s said that a man of average 180 lb weight could be classified as a moderate drinker as long as he stuck under 4 drinks a day, about 58 grams, (Purdue, French Paradox).
Someone who is drinking 10 drinks a day is absolutely at risk, if not already dependent on alcohol. However, the way Americans view “moderate drinking” is so conservative and puritanistic, it is exactly why we have people binge rather than drink moderately. Alcohol is the “forbidden fruit” and Americans avoid it like the plague only to misuse it when they get their hands on it. People in southern Europe have the HIGHEST alcohol consumption in the world, but the LOWEST rate of binge drinking and alcoholism.
Please people, get your facts straight. Three or four drinks per day is NOT binging if you look at this internationally. We were a prohibitionist country until not too long ago. I am not trying to take away from the fact that alcoholism is deadly and horrible. It is by far the worst addiction out of all, ranking near heroin and crack in terms of health cost. However, I have heard people in America say anyone who has a few beers a day is an alcoholic. This is absolute paranoia. Peele.net, as well as the books “The Truth about Addiction and Recovery” and “The French Paradox” goes over exactly what moderation is, ACCORDING to professional physicians from country to country. I’m sure Dr. Neill, the psychologist, has little idea on how the rest of the world view alcohol, which is VASTLY different than us in America, who seem to have a major problem even with healthy consumption levels.
Dear Andrew,
Although I didn’t talk about it in the article, I am aware there are substantial differences among cultures in their views about how much alcohol is too much. There are also great differences among individuals. If you read any of my stuff, you must be aware I am very slow to identify anyone as an alcoholic. I fully agree with you that America is extremely puritanical and uptight, sometimes bordering on paranoia, about alcohol consumption. I am a Canadian living in Canada, but Canada is not far behind the United States in its attitudes about alcohol. We do have one thing: in Canada the courts cannot order anyone to attend AA or go into treatment.
I am well aware of the vast differences among cultures. This short article was simply not the correct context for getting into that.
I know Stanton Peele and regard his work to be of the highest caliber. Thank you for including the reference.
Hi, my stepfather passed away this past Friday, he was a severe Alcoholic. he was only 46 years old. I also like to drink, but I am concerned that my consumption will lead to health problems like his. I really don’t think I drink that much, but sometimes I’ll go through about 18 beers in a weekend. That doesn’t include what I drink during the week. What is my risk factor, should I seek help?
I have seen my life in the stories shared here. I have been married for twenty years now. I married young and didn’t see the danger ahead when my husband would have a few beers every day. It’s just beer, I thought. He never touched the hard stuff. So far, no problem. But gradually, those few beers turned into a twelve pack a day or more. I began to notice that he would not be without beer, ever. The fridge was always stocked well, even when we were broke and needed groceries. He would gather up change to buy quarts of beer. I was bothered by this, but he never appeared drunk and never missed work. I convinced myself that I was worried over nothing. He couldn’t work every day if he had a drinking problem, right?
Now here I am, twenty years later. I am forty years old and so very tired of this life. Although I am married, I feel as if I have raised our daughter as a single mom. She feels as if she doesn’t even have a dad even though he is here every day. He’s here, but he’s not really here. The good man I married is lost to his drinking. I live with an angry, obnoxious, loud and controlling, abusive drunk. I get a peek at that good man just often enough to hook me again. Looking back, I would have done almost everything differently. Coming from abuse as a child, I never understood that I deserved anything better. I am open with my daughter about his drinking…why wouldn’t I be? She has grown up watching it. This devastates me that I have allowed this behavior to continue in front of her.
I have been searching online for help because these last few years have been so much worse than before. He added bourbon and vodka to his drinking routine. As soon as he walks in the door, no matter the time of day he goes straight for the booze. If it is the weekend, he is up at dawn and ready to go! He wants all and any activities over as quickly as possible. He doesn’t have time to enjoy whatever we have planned because he has to hurry and get home. He won’t drink and drive so he has to get home to his alcohol of choice. It doesn’t matter if it is ten a.m. or five in the afternoon. If he is home, he is drinking. He won’t eat. He just plops in front of the TV to drink. Unless he is pacing around, scanning the house, looking for things that I haven’t done to his satisfaction. He is compelled to point out every flaw of everyone else except himself. With me and our daughter being his favorite targets. He holds off eating so he can have more drinks. Often he will go through two fifths of whiskey a weekend. Now he buys the half gallon to be sure he doesn’t run out. Plus at least a case of beer. He switches to beer when he finally decides to eat.
He “goes to sleep” slumped in his chair, beer can in hand. He rages if I say he passed out, he says he goes to sleep in his chair because he is tired because he works so hard. And he does seem to be superman at work. Never misses a day. Always the first to arrive and last to leave. His boss likes him. Neighbors like him. He would be described as one of the friendliest people you could ever meet. Unless you are his wife or daughter. He saves the cruelty for us. It is a relief to discover that I haven’t been crazy all this time. I have been emotionally and verbally abused. He may function well at work, but he has destroyed me. I will never again purchase alcohol for him, nor will I carry it to him like I am his servant. I am reading and learning all I can about being co-dependent so that I can change my life. I don’t want my daughter to think this is okay the way I did.
My wife (age 30) has been a drinker since i met her about 10 years ago. We have been married for 5 years and her drinking has over the 5 years got considerably worse. We both drank socially on weekends and she had a wine or two with dinner each night and I wasn’t too concerned. But then it became her passing out on the lounge most nights, and even falling asleep when we were out with friends. For a period of time after confronting her it seemed to get better until i discovered that she was drinking at work, or at home before i got home from work. We wanted to start a family but i had reservations because of her…part of me hoped that having a baby might change her ways. 15 months ago she fell pregnant and i thought all was well. She was drinking apple juice or nonn alcoholic wine and I was happy. But then she started drinking again at work or in secret. Bottles were hidden around the house and I confronted her on a number of occasions and she broke down said sorry and said she would fix things. It didnt happen. She started seeing a counsellor but despite this she continued to drink. The baby was born late last year – healthy thank goodness, but she still drinks.She is seeing a counsellor fortnightly but i think she is lying to the counsellor, possibly out of fear for what might happen to the baby. She broke down again the other day when i spoke to her about her drinking which seems to be getting worse again. Should I attend the counselling sessions as well or what should I do? I have lived this life now for 4 years and have survived but the future seems bleak.
Hi,
I am so angry. My husband and I just had a huge fight. He has been drinking since yesterday and stayed throughout the night awake and had 18 beers. I am so worried. He drinks throughout a week, maybe 5 beers, but as soon as the weekend hits, he starts to drink heavily. We have been married for 7 years. I am 30 years old, and I am planning on leaving if he does not change.
I love him so much, but love does not help me, because I can’t ignore this problem I have. I never have drinks, due to my epilepsy. My father was a horrible alcoholic and very abusive. I am not asking, if I should leave him, but I am asking if you think he is an alcoholic, or am I over exaggerating. Anyway, I made the hardest and most heart-breaking decision today. I bought a one-way ticket to NYC to go home. I am leaving for now, we’ll see what happens. I deserve more.
Dr. Neill appreciates your comments and how you all help one another! He is very grateful to provide this forum and all the feedback he receives! However, Dr. Neill is not able to give advice in this public forum. If you need his help, please refer to his consultations page: http://www.neillneill.com/consultations. He uses Skype or telephone to make consulting more convenient. Also, you may find his book, “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide” as a great resource. You can find it here: http://drneillneill.com/