Dr. Neill Neill
It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his [tag-cat]grieving[/tag-cat] parents are struggling with an insurance company.
What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.
Last year I suffered the [tag-ice]death of a son[/tag-ice]. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific [tag-tec]trauma[/tag-tec] for the parents!
To add to their pain, they are being further traumatized by an institution and its institutional rules. It is an unfortunate truth that many victims of trauma are later re-traumatized by the institutions they must deal with.
When I’m working with people to help them heal from trauma, we often have to spend significant time clearing the subsequent trauma they experienced from insurance companies, ambulance services, hospitals, the legal system, Department of Veterans Affairs and sometimes families.
Even if everyone involved has the intention to be sensitive and helpful, the victims of trauma often become re-traumatized anyway. With their suffering compounded, the grieving and recovery period is extended.
One of the biggest risks for a family who has lost a child is marriage failure. The progression of emotions from grief to fear, anxiety, hostility, resentment and anger will arise inevitably during the grieving and healing process. It’s natural and necessary and healthy.
The problem is that many people don’t recognize one or more of these emotions as part of the healing process. When you start feeling anger, an important sign of the healing, you think there is something wrong with you.
To make matters worse, when someone else sees your anger, they too may think there is something wrong with you and tell you not to feel that way. If that other person is your spouse, the two of you could be in big trouble.
To compound matters even further each person has their own way of handling these negative emotions.
- One person may cry and yell a lot. Their partner’s style may be to bury the pain and become stoic, seeming distant and shut-down.
- One may need to preserve the child’s room as if he were still present. The other may find seeing pictures and toys unbearable and want to get rid of any reminders of the child who’s gone.
- One may accuse the other of prolonging the misery. The other may think their partner isn’t grieving and doesn’t care.
In the normal flow of life these kinds of things can usually be worked out, but they can become too much to bear when added to the loss of their child. Tragically, couples who have lost a child often separate and divorce to reduce the pain. Unable to understand their natural anger, they direct it at each other.
To the mother and father of the lost child, I encourage you to be patient and accepting of your partner during this period of a year or more. This is not a time for judgment, no matter how accusatory your thoughts may be running.
And to everyone else in their world, listen, let them know you care, help them practically, and above all be patient and nonjudgmental. They can get through this darkest period of their lives and move on to rebuilding their life together. And if they make it through this, they can handle anything.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide.
www.neillneill.com
www.ConquerAlcoholism.com
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I can’t even imagine going through that. How do you even begin to cope?
Thank you for sharing this with the Carnival of Family Life. Your post will be included in the July 30th edition.
That was a very insightful post. My 11 yr old son died 16 months ago and my husband and I and our two other children have gone through all the emotions you’ve described. It doesn’t help that friends and family make it obvious that they feel that we need to "move on" and stop "dwelling" on it. As if the death of a child is something a parent can "get over". When a child dies, the family is never the same, because without that child, it’s a different family and has to re-form and re-examine the whole structure of the family bonds. Friends and family can help by being supportive and not dismissing any emotions the parents or siblings express. Shine On, Lill
I’m new at this game. My 11 year old son sam was accidentally killed in May. There seems to be copious amounts of material on the net for mothers who have lost a child, and stuff all for Dad’s. We too are dealing with an unhelpful and devious insurance company, are faced with bills for medical treatment arriving addressed to our son, and to compound matters even further, we both live (with our other 2 kids) in the US but all – and I mean every single one of them – of our familes are in our country of origin (Australia). It feels like, 11 weeks down the road, that everyone around us wants us to be over it already. I just don’t know what to do or what to say or where to go from here.
just feel your pain. it comes and goes but it wont stay all the time. time. time helps. maybe. also takes away the memories, the details. just feel it dont run from it. we lost luca at age 5 when a piece of art fell over on him and crushed him in 2001. please look at my utube film for him at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scf5VfyRHzc
peace & joy,
peter
I came to this website thinking that I’d get some insight for me in dealing with my functioning alcoholic family member. I am struck by the topic.
We lost our 10 year old in a car/bike accident 6 years ago. The greif journey was a whole lot easier after I started leaning into the pain. I learned a lot about giving up the idea that I control things in life. and I’ve found a lot of serenity as a result. I would not be who I am without that experience and the person I became as a result of it.
I agree with Peter’s advice — feel it and you may be surprised where it leads you. –CJ
Thank you CJ, Peter, Mike, Lill and everyone else who has contacted me in some other way. Your heartfelt sharing of your own losses has helped me through the deaths of two more of my adult children during the past 12 months. Colin was 40 and Monique was 51.
We have and are still dealing with the insensitivity of “extended” family members. Not even a year into my daughters death due to a car wreck my husband was ambushed by his bible thumping sister-in-law in the super market getting loud as usual basically demanding we be forgiving to the girl responsible for taking our daughters life. He manages to get away from her and immediately calls her husband(his supposed brother)to tell him his wife was out of line and that his wife is a $##$#! He doesn’t answer doesn’t call back so needing to vent he called their mom. His brother gets pissed off about that and calls my husband back with these heart felt compassionate words,”You need to grow the %$#@ up and move on with your life! We have– Such nice words coming out of a “christians mouth” It’s nice to know he was over my daughters death and we feel so horrible that we make them so uncomfortable with our grief that they avoid us. I saw them slowly shutting us out so I finished what they started and slammed the door shut I will never speak to those #@$%a$#@!@#$ again! I hope no one else has cold hearted fake extended family like us. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone it’s very painful on top of your child’s death. There is no way of moving on. I mean you do but it’s because you have to. Sometimes its day by day others second by second. Some memories good others not so good. I have a lot of guilt,regrets, but we do that to ourselves with our surviving children. We have to force ourselves to remember we couldn’t have prevented it and our children loved us and if the last thing before their death was an argument is not some kind of grudge they will continue to mull over in heaven. Our children are waiting for us in heaven. Some might say’”Whatever I want my child here with me! Believe me I understand but it is what it is and this is what we as parents are forced to deal with. We have to carry on and our children in heaven know this. We miss them so much and our grief is powerful but don’t you think our children want to see us laugh and as hard as it is—enjoy and live out our lives? We will get to that time our earthly lives are over, and who do you think will be waiting to guide us to heaven?(besides jesus or angels)Our children. We will see them we will embrace them we will hear their laughter that we’ve been missing for so long. God bless
Thank you Kristen,
What your extended family hasn’t learned is that everyone grieves each loss in their own way. There is no prescribed way, as you husband’s sister-in-law seems to believe. There is also no prescribed length for the grieving period.
I have to remind myself sometimes that our three adult children that have died before us, like your daughter, would want us to laugh and enjoy life. For me, that is part of honoring them.
Neill
Very insightful and helpful website.
Perhaps if I feel the pain of losing my sweet Dylan at 5 yrs old and quit yelling at people and alienating myself then maybe I can deal with the feelings better. Every time I see a small child I relive the pain. I have to get over that to face the world. Often after sadness, anger overcame me the last few years and I became really mean, and I’m still working on overcoming that. Super sweet and super mean, a very strange combo. Every loss redirects me to the main loss.
How can we find interest or meaning in life again and come to terms with resentments created by the experience? It’s tough, but as one of you said, there are some moments of laughter, and somehow time allows a little more sanity and fun in a day. It’s the being prepared for the arrival of special days and anniversary’s the offer horrible consequences. I don’t know, still haven’t figured out how to cope. I just know taking out my anger on others is not where I want to take this.
Hi Lynda,
My heart goes out to you. All of my children made it to adulthood, so I don’t know what it’s like to lose a small child. I can only imagine. But I do know the pain of losing adult children; three of mine died in the past five years.
I have found it helpful to focus on living as Colin or Richard or Monique would have wished me to. March 31st was the third anniversary of Colin’s death. Eileen and I both felt a quiet sadness that day.
Let me be Neill the psychologist for a moment. Anger is a normal healthy emotion within the grieving process. Don’t hurt anyone, but don’t suppress it either. Just acknowledge your anger as part of the process and know that it will pass.
You have my very best wishes, Lynda.
Hi all,
I lost my daughter 2 weeks ago. My husband accidentally ran her over with a truck while backing up out of our driveway. She would have been 2 tomorrow. It is so difficult. I love her so very much and she was perfect to me in every single way. I am changed and I don’t ever expect to get over this, but I know that I must keep going for the sake of my older son.
60 days ago, my older son (who had turned 21 just 4 days prior) and 2 of his friends were killed in a single-car crash. All of them had been drinking, including the driver…..his best friend and little brother, my younger son. So the one son is dead, accidentally, and the other is behind bars, charged with 3 counts of involuntary manslaughter. We have no idea when he will be home again.
The first 4 weeks I was still in some kind a state of shock. I wept a lot, and I slept a lot. At about 5 weeks post-crash, I realized I was starting to think more clearly, as if the symptoms of shock were lightening up, but at the same time I realized as well that I was beginning to feel a lot more sad all the time.