My son Colin died less than four weeks ago. Actually Colin was my stepson, but we had been in each other’s lives since he was 11, and he introduced me to hospital staff as "my dad"…he was my son. His memorial service is the day after tomorrow.
If you had known Colin, you would remember his charm and good humor. He could light up a room with his presence.
You might also have been exposed to his generosity and compassion.
Colin struggled with drugs for many years. However, he had been more or less clear of drugs for the past three years, in his words, "the happiest years of my life," three years filled with lots of family time.
All of his family—parents, stepparents, brothers and sisters, niece and nephew—have been reeling from the loss. We have spent lots of family time together and shed many tears.
I take comfort in the deep connection Colin and I felt and talked about during our last visits. Colin opened up about the regrets he had about his "poor lifestyle choices" which were now leading to his demise.
His doctors said Colin had about six months to live, so he was making plans for lots of family time this summer. He expressed an intense desire to make the most of what little time he had left.
He told his mother Eileen his biggest regret was that he would not live to look after her when she was old and needed help. I believe Colin did make the most of the time he had left, even if the time left was days, not months.
Each of us has our own path in grieving.
I recalled lessons in acceptance I had received about a year and a half ago when my son Richard was dying of cancer. I recalled how after Richard died a friend had urged me to "clear regret," and how freeing it was to clear out the "should’ves" and "if onlys" I was carrying.
I recalled how helpful the Hospice Society in Qualicum Beach had been in my dealing with Richard’s death. I recalled how writing about it had helped me to come to terms with losing my son.
So with my son Colin’s death I am again working on acceptance of the fact that he is gone. I have been shedding as best I can any regrets I have about my role in Colin’s life. I have revisited Hospice and been supported.
…and again, I write.
Thank you for your understanding and support. This is a part of parenting I hope you never have to face.
Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A Woman’s Survival Guide.
www.neillneill.com
www.ConquerAlcoholism.com
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Hello Dr. Neill,
I met Colin and could say he was a great friend to have for sure. I missed him today and decided to do a name search on Facebook and came across his website there. From there found out he has taken his journey in the spirit world.
I am sorry for your loss. I had the greatest time with your son as my friend and the time spent together will always be cherished.
My prayers to you and Eileen.
P.S I finally googled your name and this site came up. Am so glad you have it! I was determined to give my message to his family today.
Much love and respect,
Terra Wallace
“Alakilaogwa”
Hi Dr. Neill,
My name is Pam, I used to be married to a man from Alert Bay. I know you were good friends with him and helped us all through a difficult time when we were dealing with the death of the artist Joe Peters. For that I thank you.
I remember Colin from the Treatment Centre in Alert Bay. He was a very gifted artist and always spoke from the heart. He asked the difficult questions, even if you didn’t want to hear it. He always spoke from the heart and told you, straight up, what you needed to hear. Drugs were what we had in common but also the fight to rid ourselves of this demon.
I was very sad to hear that he lost his battle with drugs. I hope you find solance in the fact that he is in a better place and watching over you and Eileen.
Take care and keep the faith,
Pam:-)
Hi Dr. Neil,
I am so sorry to read about the death of your son. I surely can relate to you and Eileen. I lost my 42yr-old son on Jan.19,2010 to a massive heart attack. I noticed him breathing hard and had called ambulance. Paul lay back on his pillow like he was tired, he closed his eyes and never made a sound. He left me right there holding him. I have to live in house where he died and it’s killing me. I don’t have words to express the pain, hurt, guilt etc. I’m going through. I lost another son 24yrs ago to suicide. My husband wont talk to me. I search for answers everyday. I just wish I could go on and be w/ my sons.
Always know you will be in my prayers. God Bless.
Judy
Dear Judy,
My heart goes out to you for your losses. I know something of the pain of loss when our adult children die, of the thoughts of not wanting to go on living and of other’s impatience that we aren’t getting over it quickly. One thing that has helped me is to think about how Richard, Colin and Monique would want me to live my life in their absence. That usually uplifts my spirits.
Your husband is dealing with his pain a different way–his way. Do your best to be accepting and supportive of each other.
It’s early days for you. I know everything is raw. Just have faith that you have life ahead of you, as your sons would want it.
With love and blessings,
Neill
Hello Dr Neil,
I too am sorry for your losses. I just came across your page and I thought I would share this in hopes of some healing for all. I lost my Mom 3/20/12 and my Son 34 on 3/21/12. I was off work for a couple weeks in trying to except this and deal with being executor for both. I have since returned to work and it helps take my mind off of things. I still have my moments as I call them and it feels as though it helps, I too thank you for your site and your taking your time to comment.
My Son was a carpenter and had been off work since December. It was his first day back to work and he was excited that he was returning to the same company that he started with 13 years before. At about 2:15 on that afternoon he told his boss he wasn’t feeling right and he thought it might be grief from losing his Grandmother the day before. He told his boss he didn’t want to leave because he didn’t want to lose his job. His boss told him not to worry about his job and sent him on his way. He walked across the street somewhat staggering holding his hand up to his head from what his coworkers said and got into his vehicle and ended up driving back across the street onto the job site and hit a stack of plywood that stopped his vehicle.
It was an unusually hot day at 84 degrees. A neighbor said it appeared Tim had some sort of seizure and his body went stiff as he applied the gas to the floor. His coworkers pulled him from the vehicle and performed CPR until rescue got there. Rescue took him to the Hospital and I got a call from the nurse that we should come there. he had an automobile accident and he was unconscious. We got there and they sent us into a room but not Tim’s. They all came in and the only two things I heard was his temp was 104 and they did all they could do and I lost it.
We had a beautiful service under the circumstances and people around for the next couple days. People don’t know what to say or how to approach with what happened. I tell them I’m dealing with it the best I can. I thank GOD for the 34 years he gave us together. I might mention too that he was healthy prior to this as far as we knew. Still awaiting the Coroners report.
Thank you again for your website!
Prayer is powerful! Grieving can take some time
Blessings to all,
Tim