Healthy Marriage: Four More Things You Can Do To Renew and Maintain a Healthy Marriage

Dr. Neill Neill

You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and [tag-cat]marriage[/tag-cat], particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."

The five conditions were

Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…

Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong [tag-ice]marriage[/tag-ice]?

Human beings are hard-wired to live in relationships. Most spend the biggest part of their lives in some form of family. You are probably in a relationship right now.

The quality of your primary relationship is central to a fulfilling life. The heights of joy and the depths of despair you experience in life are usually experienced in [tag-tec]relationships[/tag-tec]. Your relationship matters!

The principle is the same whether your primary adult relationship is man-woman, same sex, married or unmarried.

Keep on talking. Keep on listening.

The first is communication. When you first meet someone, you talk (communication), you get to know each other (knowledge), you find you like each other (affection), and you both want to talk more. This age-old process leads to a deep connection between you. I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level.

Since the only part of the process you have any choice about is communication, before anything else you must keep talking and listening. If your communication has been interrupted by babies, work, illness or anything else, redouble your efforts talk and listen. Without communication, communion with your partner is impossible.

Never a score-keeper be.

Secondly, rid your relationship of any hints of accounting or keeping score. There will of course be division of labour just to manage your lives together. When division of labour turns to "I did this so you owe me that," it can become a relationship killer. It can be just as damaging if the accounting is self-imposed, such as "He did that for me so I owe him this.”

If score keeping has crept in, talk about it and get rid of it. Do what you do out of self care, care for the other and care for your relationship. You can’t build communion on debt.

Look in the mirror.

The third involves self reflection. If you see something in your partner that you don’t like, take a look in the mirror. The emotion you put on some part of them, that is, your not liking something about them, is almost always in part a reflection of something you don’t want to see in yourself.

Your partner just is. The emotion is yours. Reflecting on yourself every time you are annoyed with your partner is a great opportunity for self growth.

Be kind…and expect nothing in return.

Finally, random acts of kindness are healthy and appreciated, so long as no one is keeping score.

Have you talked with your partner today, done something kind for them without expectation and learned something about yourself in the process? You know what to do.

Psychologist Dr. Neill Neill maintains an active practice on Vancouver Island, BC, Canada. He focuses on healthy relationships and life after addictions. He is the author of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic - A Woman's Survival Guide. http://drneillneill.com http://neillneill.com

Dr. Neill Neill

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