Marriage is supposed to be exciting. Everybody knows that…
I’m going to look at marriage from another point of view. In my experience many a relationship has crashed because there was too much excitement, or at least, excitement of the wrong kind.
But before I get into that, I would like to draw an analogy between business and marriage.
Think about a bank. It is one of the most successful businesses in existence. It operates in a very predictable fashion. It has closely-followed rules. It outlasts most other businesses. A bank offers few surprises other than the size of the annual profits.
In short, a bank is a complex system, and a not very exciting one. In fact it’s dull. Can you think of a more boring way to earn a billion dollars than a half a cent at a time?
When you look at other successful businesses you again see predictability and closely-followed rules.
Like business, marriage is a complex system. Also like business the longevity of relationships depends too on predictability and closely-followed rules.
The rules I refer to in a marriage are
fidelity, honesty, openness, respect, caring and support.
Predictability in a marriage implies following these rules today, a year from now, and 10 years from now.
What does this mean in practice? If you and your partner are facing a major illness, a family death, a criminal charge, a bankruptcy, or any other disruptive crisis, it is quite predictable that both of you remain honest and open and caring and supportive of one another.
If a bank employee begins to skim funds or make loans that bend the rules, the bank is usually quick to remove the offending employee. This preserves the integrity of the system.
Similarly, in a successful marriage it is probable that both will quickly sense when something or someone starts to interfere with the rules. The couple quickly takes whatever corrective action is necessary to assure the interference does not compromise the caring or any of the other rules of the marriage.
Many people bring into their relationship an intense need for excitement. They need challenges. They need frequent adrenaline rushes. They need intense competition. They need risk, even danger.
In short, many need to create drama to feel alive. In their drive for excitement sometimes they cause their marriages to crash and burn, but they don’t need to.
A marriage gets fouled up when they allow the drive for excitement to compromise the rules of a marriage. Verbal violence and criticism may provide emotional release, but this type of excitement compromises caring, support, and certainly respect.
An affair may take your breath away, but you break the rules of fidelity, honesty and openness, thereby wrecking the whole marriage.
Sports, travel, mountain climbing, motorcycling, kayaking or public speaking can put a whole lot of excitement into life. They can work within a marriage because they don’t involve breaking the rules of marriage.
I think of marriage as a sacred container made up of the boring and predictable rules. Within that sacred container of marriage you can go on exciting adventures or quietly raise your children. That container can be a place of calm or exhilaration. It can be a place of great personal and spiritual growth. It is a place to dream and fully participate in life.
Just don’t mess with the container itself as you pursue your dreams!
We read the obituaries of the Enrons and other companies that didn’t take corrective action soon enough, when some of their people got carried away in their excitement and broke the rules.
When a marriage ends after rules are broken, there is no obituary.
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On a very boring day in the life of my marriage, this was encouraging to read.
There has to be something between a marriage like a bank and a marriage going down in dramatic flames. All of the suggestions for excitement are things you can do outside of a marriage. I don’t want drama with my partner, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to do something a little different once in a while. It’s like the suggestion in this article is, “get a hobby and suck it up.” There has to be something between a marriage that’s mayo on white bread and a domestic disturbance.
Hi Jeanette,
Within a marriage you can do almost anything together: dancing , hiking, traveling to foreign lands, starting a business, skiing, enjoying theater, kayaking. I personally couldn’t stand a mayo-on-white-bread marriage. The point is to avoid actions where the excitement come from risking the marriage itself, like having an affair or telling lies.
Thanks for this. I am not in a marriage. But I am in a very predictable 4 year long relationship. We have pictures of us together that show us in the exact same pose as we were 4 years ago. There are very little fluctuations in the relationship which I attribute to my boyfriend. He is steady and consistent. We travel, do sports, adventures, volunteer and even do the mundane stuff together.
Unfortunately, I find myself itching for passion and romance. He is not wired in that way. His practicality somewhat balances out my passion but I often fantasize about life with another person who is more exciting.
Super informative writing; keep it up.
I am in a loving, comfortable 25 year marriage. Bored out of my mind, lonely and frustrated. He takes zero initiative for doing things together. Example: I cooked a romantic dinner for Valentine’s Day. Made a HUGE effort to be romantic: fire in fire place, candles, champagne, sexy outfit, etc. after we ate, as I cleared dishes and began to clean kitchen, he turned on TV! End of romance! And uh there was no Valentine anything from him!
If this was an isolated incident, it would be different , but it’s ongoing. He says he cares, loves me etc. but there is NO intimacy! No engagement of interest! No effort on his part. I want to stay true to him, but it wouldn’t take much for me to seek attention else where.