In one of my articles I talked about how addiction and codependency can be two sides of the same coin. That generated yet another request for an article about dealing with alcoholic children.
It’s a difficult assignment for me because the psychologist who helps others with relationships tainted by any of a myriad of issues, including addiction, codependency and dealing with adult children and parents who abuse alcohol, has himself fallen into many of the same traps.
It seems that objectively goes out the window when it’s your own son or daughter. Dealing with a son’s drug and alcohol abuse has been the most difficult and divisive challenge my wife and I have had to face in our decades together.
He was charming, generous and creative. But like all addicts, he lied easily and took advantage of other people’s generosity. This led to conflicts between my wife and me, especially in those extended periods when he had returned home to live with us.
My wife and I each got professional help, and over time we mended the rift. Our son went into various treatment programs. However, after the years of substance abuse and general neglect, he became disabled through failing health and died at age 40.
This multi-decade experience taught us things we may have already known intellectually, but had never really understood. Here are a few of them.
The hardest lesson of all was accepting the reality of his addiction with all it entails and the reality of his probable early demise. [SIZEWARP]As parents we fought hard to deny this, but we could not change the reality.[/SIZEWARP]
We had to learn to refrain from rescuing him. Each rescue let him off the hook for taking responsibility. When we stopped rescuing him, he became more responsible.
We withdrew direct financial support: no more enabling him with money handouts, no matter how small. However, he was always well fed when he visited and we always took food with us when we visited him.
We stopped letting him stay with us other than for a weekend visit. We stopped enabling him in avoiding responsibility for his life.
We had always listened to him talk about his struggles, but we had to learn to accept our own feelings of helplessness. This was very difficult for two people who seem to be hardwired to jump in and fix things. We attempted to restrict our advice to those times he asked for it.
As we got the lessons and our son came to understand the new reality, our relationships with him became more love-based again. Communication opened up. We had a beautiful mutually-supportive relationship with our son, especially during his last year. It meant a lot to us. It meant a lot to him.
Had we continued to deny reality, to rescue and to enable, we might never have made peace. His early death would have been even more tragic.
Having to deal with adult addicted children is something I could never wish on any parent, but sadly, it is a reality in many parents’ lives.
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Dear Neil,
Thank you for your honesty and genuine heartfelt words.
Thank you for your continuing work in the field.
With much love and light.
Marcella Clinical Psychologist
I am so sorry to hear your story. My daughter has been diagnosed as an addict, alcoholic, self harm, maybe other things, and I don’t know what to do. She is 19, seeing a psychotherapist and quite open with our GP. She lives at home, but has no ambition, plans etc. She has many talents, art, music, languages, and did well at school. Any advice would be much appreciated. Her father, who I divorced 10 years ago, due to his alcoholism moved to South Africa and is dying of emphysema.
Thank you as your article helped after a very difficult holiday with my 27 year old alcoholic son.
I also have a 39 yr old alcoholic son who was in rehab for 24 weeks, he came out and within 6 weeks he has started drinking again. The difference with me this time is that with the help of Alanon, which I started over a year ago, I have been able to stay away from him and let him take responsibility for what he has done. One of his AA friends saw me yesterday and told me to leave him as he has to understand what his actions have done to him.
He has cleared out his bank account and has no money, but if he comes to me I will have to be strong and say, “NO!” No more enabling for me as this is what I have done in the past and now see it was so wrong for him and for me. I can only trust that his higher power guides him back to AA and he takes control again of his life or he will not have one to care about.
It if very difficult for a mother to have to carry this out, but I just know this is the right thing to do.
So if anyone out there is in the same dilemma, please seek out Alanon as they are there for you and the program is for you, not the performing alcoholic.
I watched my mum and dad suffer with my beautiful brother John who died aged 40 due to alcoholism. My 18 year old nephew is also having problems and there is such good support out there, but he feels that he would be ridiculed to go there.
I also went to Alanon when I visited my mum in Scotland and took mum. It really helped me and I shared it with John. My abiding memory of John is telling me he loved me, but knowing that he had given up. I am crying as I write this but I am so grateful to have this space to share. I also know that the divine energy surrounding us at this time can support us in letting go of the trend of addiction in our families.
With much love and light always,
Fiona
My heart goes out to you, Fiona.