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Marriage: Seven Questions to Consider in Choosing your Ideal Marriage Partner

Choosing well is the foundation for a goodmarriage. Yet choosing is one of the most neglected pieces of the process of meeting, bonding, marrying, living life together and possibly having children. Choose well: the good and bad outcomes of your choice will shape your life, whether a first or [tag-tec]second marriage, a Christian marriage, a common-law marriage, a mixed-race marriage or a same-sex marriage.

1.           Can you accept each other as you are, warts and all? You can’t change another person and you have absolutely no right to try to change your spouse. At the same time don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.  

This in no way means that you have to be the same.  Acceptance of yourself and each other can accommodate wide differences between you.

Acceptance is the most basic issue. If you can’t accept the reality of each other, walk.

2.           Do you like each other? Liking is more basic than loving. Is he or she your ideal ‘best friend?’ If not, consider it a big red flag.

3.           Are your values compatible? Are you open and honest with each other about your values? For example, do you both value family? Do you both value commitment and have a common understanding of what commitment is? 

4.           Are you compatible in the way you express (and discuss) your feelings? There is probably no more disastrous marriage than that between one who openly and easily talks about personal feelings and another who can’t or won’t. The mantra of the latter is “I don’t want to talk about it,” whether it is expressed in words, silence or leaving.

5.           Are you compatible in how positively you look at life? An optimistic, positive person and a pessimistic negative person could drive each other crazy. They often do.

6.           Are you compatible in your spiritual growth? This is a life-cycle issue, that is, a very long-term issue. People relate to something beyond themselves, and this spiritual inclination becomes more important over the course of life. If you are both growing spiritually over the years, you will experience more fulfillment, even if you have different religious practices.

7.           Is your mantra, “Love alone is not enough?”  Good! There are lots of men or women you could be in love with, but a tiny fraction of whom you could live with successfully. So remember this principle: don’t fall in love with someone your intuition says you couldn’t build a satisfying and fulfilling life with.

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Dr. Neill Neill retired his psychology practice at the end of 2013. He maintains an active coaching practice via telephone or Skype with select clients dealing with alcoholic husbands or ex-husbands. Check out his book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic: A Woman's Survival Guide. http://drneillneill.com

25 comments to Marriage: Seven Questions to Consider in Choosing your Ideal Marriage Partner

  • I am very glad to come across your website about how to choose the right partner. In fact I must sincerely say that it has contributed a lot to me about how to choose a life partner. May the Lord continue to strengthen you as you continue in this good work to the end.

    Thanks.

    Joshua

  • I am higly impressed at your wonderful literaure on how to choose the right partner. It has really given me some key points that will guide me on how to choose the right partner. I will need more copies on this same topic if available. May the Lord strengthen you as you continue in this good work to the end.

    Thanks and God bless.

    Joshua

  • Paul Mopeli

    I am a youth leader at Assemblies of God – Lesotho. I thank God for your life.

    I have read this article and I find I had to teach the young people that I am leading the seven questions listed above. I am looking forward that with the knowledge they got from you, God will lead them in choosing their life partners.

    God bless, and if you have more material, you are humbly requested to send it to me for the glory of God.

    From Paul Thabiso,

    Mopeli P.O. Box 7434 Maseru Lesotho 100

  • Rev. D.Rajendra Paul

    I am a christian counselor in Hyderabad, India.We have a free counselling clinic in Hyderabad and a training institute.We train Pastors and christian workers in Biblical counseling.

    I am verymuch impressed with the simplicity of your seven Q’s, they are very appropriate and useful ,even applicable in any culture.Thankyou. God bless your ministry.Please post your articles regularly to my mail address. Bye.

    Rajendra Paul

  • Raphael

    I want to ask a question. Should one consider good looks when choosing a life partner?

  • Naom

    Thanks for shedding some more light in my way. Keep up the good spirit to help those in need like me. God bless you in abundance. Send me some more of the same to my e- mail adress.

  • ushena maikem

    I am very impressed with your idears of choosing a partner, keep up with the good work.

  • Jarvis

    its just great to hear from you such kind of teaching especially me as a Christian youth leader who is also praying and watching for the right partner to come.am sure i will be there of course reme,mbering our old song”one day at a time”.
    be blessed Guys.

    Regards:
    Jarvis Atwine
    Kampala-Uganda

  • JOANA ABASAH

    I am the youth leader of Assemblies of God Ghana-Madina District Nmai-Djorn. I am very grateful to God for your life. I would like to teach this to the youth ministry, but if you can also send us more stuff to make marriage easy for us in the future.
    Thank you.

  • Look in the category,”Marriage,” for other articles I have written on the topic.

    Best wishes in your teaching.
    Neill

  • I Have a lot on this points…that am going to tell also my friends. Thanks so much

  • Alegbeleye Sola

    Please try to explain better, is likeness stronger than love, because I have seen people who married based on internal love and not much outward likeness.

  • People who are outwardly very different can have great relationships. The inner stuff is much more important in maintaining love.

  • Pat

    I have been really blessed by this 7 QUST. on how to get a life partner. Before now I find it very had to choose a partner either because of their physical appearances, or other things. Thank you. I am more enlightened.

  • I WANT SAY THAT LIFE PARTNER IS OUR NEED./BUT I WOULD LIKE TO GO MY FATHER DECISION WHO CHOOSE LADY FOR ME.//.

  • George Kormisah

    You have done great. Your works no doubt will clear many doubts and also answer many questions for both Christians and non-Christians seeking the right partner for marriage.
    God Bless you

  • oluseun

    These are some of the basic things one should know about choosing a life partner.More Grace to you sir.

  • Noor

    Hi.

    I have met a girl on line, she is in Australia. I am in Pakistan and we are from the same belief and sect. I am going to complete my degree in 2 years. She is asking me if i accept her proposal. I also want to be in Australia. We have not talked to our family yet. But I am sure there will be no issue from my family.

    I like everything about the girl except her beauty. She is a little bit small nosed.

    Please guide me how to understand her more and what to decide.

  • Sumanu

    Sir, I am seriously blessed for reading this article. Bless u sir!!!

  • Jerry

    Good day sir,

    I am glad I visited this site because I am blessed by what I read. It blessed my soul. I am a person who is seeking the perfect will of God in marriage. Thank you for the light you have shed on this topic.

    Thank you sir.

  • Ita

    Sir,

    Please put me into light on who is already married and is not comfortable with it. What will one do to gain happiness?

    I love every piece of this write up. God bless you Sir!

  • Sir,

    How does man with a broken heart cope with his emotional disorder? This was caused by not being loved by a lady he loves.

  • Peter

    I’m glad to have come across your site. I’ve really learned several things that I had not thought about. May God bless you to continue blessing others.

  • mmadibo

    Thanks for the advice. It really opened up my eyes. May the Lord God give you more days to live and increase your intelligence.

  • jacob kanganzi

    Praise the Lord, it’s indeed wonderful to be in Christ, as he says, “I will never desert those who love me.” I have seen that God’s love will always embrace those who love him, and your wonderful message is clearly seen as words from God. You were used as a tool to convey it to the young Christians like me. Thanks very much. I’m also a single youth leader, who wants to fulfill Gods desires in marriage in the long run.

    If you have more this articles please post them so the youth may not be mislead by the world.

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