Mary (alias) recently took the Alcoholism Test and then emailed me. (She didn’t leave a public comment because she wanted her communication to be confidential.)
Although a few details are changed or omitted to protect Mary’s privacy, she began with
“I was researching functional alcoholism and came across your site. I took the Alcoholism Test to determine if my husband would be considered a functioning alcoholic. I have not yet spoken with anyone about this, but just researched Al-Anon and plan on attending a meeting…”
Mary goes on to make the following points:
- Married for 19 years.
- Husband a drinker, mostly drinking alone.
- He has been drinking more during the last 5-6 years (now more than
- two liters/week of hard liquor.)
- He is not abusive and does not miss work.
- He seems to have trouble remembering.
- He just seems out of it at night…
- His personality is changing.
- He has no interest in sexual intimacy.
- He now looks at ‘adult’ websites.
- He has never thought he had a drinking problem.
- She has become less tolerant of this behavior.
- She worries that she may seem non-caring.
- Mary ended with wanting my opinion on his condition and asking for some suggestions on how to approach him?
I answered Mary’s email and encouraged her to attend a few Al Anon meetings to gain some perspective. I suggested that her becoming intolerant was a good thing, because it indicated she was not slipping into codependency. I said some other things too, but I couldn’t really offer professional advice based on her email alone.
After I answered her I kept thinking about her situation and how similar it sounded to what I have heard so many times before. Just look at the long list of comments following the Alcoholism Test.
So I prepared a more complete answer to all you “Marys” and “Pauls” out there who are suffering relationship problems in the presence of alcohol abuse.
Of course, what follows is only a beginning. I go into much more detail in my book, Living with a Functioning Alcoholic – A woman’s Survival Guide.
Your Relationship Comes First
Relationships are the heart and soul of our society. If our relationships with others were to disappear, most of us would feel all meaning slipping away from our lives. Our husbands, our wives, our children, our parents and extended family, our coworkers and our friends help to create the meaning that shapes what we become in life. We are a social species.
Relationships unfortunately can falter. And when your relationship with your life partner is faltering, you need to act decisively.
There has been research showing that a majority of couples on the brink of splitting, but who somehow manage to hold on, five years later will be getting along fine. Unfortunately, many couples allow the situation to become unbearable before they even think of getting help, and they often don’t make it.
Mary wanted to know what she could do regarding her husband’s drinking as the cause of the other problems they were having.
I prefer, however, to start with the assumption that alcohol abuse is the symptom of something. It is often much more productive to focus on your relationship and on yourself than on the alcohol problem. Your relationship is where the real urgency is.
If your relationship doesn’t survive, your partner’s drinking habits won’t affect you anymore.
Counseling
You need to find a psychologist or other counselor who works with individuals and couples on their relationships. It would be even better if you find one with expertise in the substance abuse area as well.
If your partner has no interest in getting marriage counseling, it may not be a problem, at least at first. When you go for counseling without him,
- You will gain insights into what you might do to improve your relationship.
- You will gain some clarity and calm about your contributions to your problems together.
- You will gain perspective on why you react as you do to his behavior.
You will get clear about what you want out of life. - What I have often done when working with an individual whose relationship is in trouble, is ask my client to invite her spouse to come to a session with her to assist me in understanding her. This is extremely useful on its own, but more often than not the partner will begin to participate.
Other issues will emerge, including mid-life issues, self-esteem issues, spiritual issues, empty-nest issues, fears that neither of you were even aware of, unhappiness, shame and, yes, alcohol abuse.
The point is this: if your partner stopped drinking today, you would still need to do the relationship work to recover your marriage. So why not get to work on it right away and save yourself a mountain of grief?
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I too am married to a functioning alcoholic. Everyday he drinks at least one bottle of red wine, sometimes up to 3 bottles plus beer, and sometimus up to 6 bottles. He has no alcohol-free days, but he goes to work. I am over it. I’ve been married for 22 years and I am done!
My partner of 3yrs I realise now, is a functional alcoholic. The drinking of 1-2 bottles of red wine every night eventually caused me to withdraw as I couldn’t stand the smell, the look and the repetitive intellectualising.
Now it would seem that my withdrawal and other negative effects on my psyche has caused my partner to want to leave, be independant, move to yet another city, get a better job and so on.
I had so much love to give although we argued as I have a strong personality and can be reactive.
I would like the relationship to heal and grow.
We have to live in the same house until our business is sold. the business caused a lot of stress as it’s so unprofitable.
I feel utterly devastated and and an emotional mess but have started taking anti-depressants to help.
I’m coming to the conclusion that a “functioning Alcoholic” will never recover, it’s not going to change unless something completely tragic happens. My husband is one of the them, and I think I need to love myself first. I always find excuses for him, he even made me feel like I was the reason for his drinking.His mother is a recovering alcoholic and amazinly enough she doesn’t talk about with him. I feel like I’m the only one who sees the problem. I think it’s time for me to leave with my daughter and start my own life, but before,I know I’m going to need lots of help and I need to detach from him, and accept the fact that alcohol is of more importance to him than his daughter and I, that alone can bring anyone’s selfesteem to the ground.He’s a loving dad,a hard worker and a kind person. But everything good he does goes right out the window. He’s made it clear he’s not going to change, and he said he doesn’t care if we get divorce. I am left with no choice, I almost feel ashamed I have stayed for so long in this relationship. I am crying as I’m typing,but I’m hoping these tears are the firts of the last tears I’ll cry over my husband’s alcoholism.
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 7 years. I have a question, in the past things have been pretty much like you all said. But, a couple nights ago I was in bed asleep and he came in drunk. He just got mad for nothing and started yelling. Then he said “I’m going to F ing kill you”. He has gotten drunk and angry before but I’ve never been scared, I always just blow it off, but when I looked at him there was something different about his face. It was like his eyes were empty, hollow, like he was not there, but they were full of rage all at the same time. He has never hurt me or even really scared me before this, but I was honestly affraid. I went to the other room and slept with my phone just in case I needed it. I don’t know if I should be afraid that he will become abusive because he has never physically harmed me. Even that night he didn’t but that look made me think he could become capable of it. Do you think that he is becoming abusive?
Hi Rhianna,
The usual progression for an alcoholic husband is from just being angry a lot, to being verbally abusive then to physically threatening (slamming doors, hitting walls, breaking things, and making threats of physical harm), and finally to punching, pushing, choking or driving into a tree with you in the passenger seat.
It’s not possible to predict how fast this will happen, but your husband appears to be a long way down that path. You are probably in an unsafe situation, based on what you say.
The thing to remember is that if he is drunk and in a rage, you cannot handle him. Sometimes four policemen confronting someone that state can’t handle it and call for backup.
Please look after your safety. Tell someone, including your family doctor, about what is happening. Have an escape plan. Chapter 24 in my book, “When to Pull the Plug on an Alcoholic Marriage,” is devoted to the issue.
Best wishes,
Neill
I have been married to my second husband for approximately 10 years. I am 50 and he is 59. During this time span, I have observed periods of very heavy drinking followed by brief periods of "not a drop". Over the last 2 years, his personality has changed dramatically in that the temper outburts are daily as opposed to occasionally. He is perpetually annoyed, verbally abusive (on a regular basis), threatens to divorce me (brought on by an innocent remark that annnoys him), and recently has poor memory recall. Both of his parents drank heavily and he has always socialized with friends who drink heavily. Quite often, I feel that I am having "out of body" experiences as I’m listening to him curse at me and am afraid to answer back in fear of escallating his anger. He blames me for his anger; repeats that I know what makes him angry. In 10 years, I can say that we have never had what I consider a typical argument or loud discussion about anything! If I disagree with him, or broach a subject that he doesn’t care to discuss, he will fly into a rage and usually leave our home for a period of a week or so. He has never apologized for any of the ugly things he has said to me, nor does he admit to any drinking issues. He plays emotional games with me such as planning trips and refusing to take the trip at the last possible moment. Simple discussions about details of the trip can bring these outburts on. Often, he will jab at me with immature comments such as "you’re just like your mother" or "would you like to hear what your children said about you?" All in all, I fell in love with a dynamic, intelligent, funny, athletic man 10 years ago and I feel that he has vanished. His personal hygiene is non existent and he no longer cares about exercise, health or weight. He has not had a physical check up for 5 years or so. I don’t want to give up on "us" but he seems unreachable in most ways these days. I emailed Alalon (sp?) and would appreciate any comments or advice you can give. Thank you in advance for your assistance. Kindly: Robin
Hi Robin,
The brain damage from the alcoholism does sometimes change personality. It also causes delusions, the first one being that there is no problem. The second delusion is that if there is a problem he is a victim of it, that is, it is not his fault.
You are not, I repeat “not,” responsible for his triggers and outbursts. Your responsibility is to live your life with as much happiness, compassion and fulfillment as possible. You have a lot of years ahead of you. Can you picture yourself sitting by and watching him deteriorate and become increasingly dangerous over the next decade or so. What a drain that would be on your own spirit.
Of course you don’t want to “give up on us.” Good people don’t break commitments easily. However, it sounds like he broke his commitment to you at least five years ago. It takes two for a marriage to work.
Please pay attention to what I said to Rhianna above.
You have my very best wishes.
Neill
PS: If you haven’t already done so, read my book. It will help.
I am married to a functioning alcohlic and have been for a little over a year. We have a one-year-old son. He is wonderful with our son, he does not work but is a full-time student, and he helps a little around the house. The way that he treats me is the problem, almost like he hates me. Verbal abuse I guess is what you would call it- everything he says is cruel and condescending, he is always hateful, angry, emotionally immature and cannot let go of partying and “getting away”- why does he want away from us, we’re his family? I guess it’s because then he’ll have the freedom to drink as much as he wants to. Even his own parents know how he is. I am miserable and depressed all of the time. I don’t what to do or what our outcome will be but I find myself turning against him- I fear that very soon, I will stop loving him and leave. He has so much potential and so much good- and the whole situation is very sad. It took me a while to realize that his problem was being an alcoholic, prior to that I nearly drove myself crazy trying to please him and make him happy. He is such a miserable person and the only time he is happy is when he is doing what he wants to do- which usually involves drinking. I hate to leave and cause any confusion for our child, but I am so unhappy. Please help.
Hi Callie,
Your son will be fine, as long as you look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to heal from this and lead a happy and fulfilling life. It is not parents’ being together or apart that that supports or hurts children, but it is how well the parents handle conflict. If your description is accurate, your son is suffering from being there.
It sounds like your husband’s problem is much deeper than his alcoholism. The alcohol may just his way of medicating his emotional problems. He may be very smart and have a lot of potential, but but from you say he has very little insight into what’s going on inside him. Big clue: he thinks you are the problem.
Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can live with them. You have some tough choices to make. Remember, you have a right and a responsibility to be happy.
There are a few articles about happiness, marriage and other related topics on my other website, http://www.neillneill.com . You might find some of them helpful. Do read my book.
Love and blessings,
Neill
I dont know how long ago this was written, but I’m kinda in the same boat. BUT, I had to leave my husband 9mos ago. The emotional abuse was terrible, as for his 2 wonderful sons….he never spent any time with them. He too is a functioning alcoholism. He quit 3 mo’s ago and we’ve been in counsling..thought I had the man I married back until my 7yr old told me he saw him drinking when they went to his house sunday night. I looked further into it and it was true. I really thought we were on the right track. Counseling was going good and so on…but he’d been acting kinda weird lately…attacking me with stupid things here and there…now it makes sense. I hate alcohol. He tore me up and down with his nasty attitude after being found out. Said I had no right to snoop…I told him I have every right. I told him before he quit that I would not come back unless he quit driking completely…..thats that! He went back to his 1st love….beer. I’m so sad and hurt. I love him so much. I feel everything that the rest of you feel. Keep strong. Do what is best for you! You have to take care of yourself. I had family to take me and my kids in….actually I’m living in a 5th wheel camper in my parents back yard. This after living in my own home with pool, jacuzi and so on. It’s hard, but I was physically becoming sick due to the stress of the situation. And I saw it starting to affect them…that was it. I left. Not easy to say that your a 33 yr old woman living in a trailer in your parent back yard….but I had to do what ever it took to get me and my kids out. I cannot work extra hours due to the pain that comes from nerve damage…that comes from shingles…that came from stress…that came from my marrage…that came from my husbands love of beer!!
Dear holly,
Thank you for having the courage to do what it takes to look after your safety and well being, and the humility to share your story with others. N.
I married my husband in Feb 2008. I have know him since I was 8 years old. He is my best friends older brother. I was as close with him as I was with his sister. He was my best friend. He has always had a drinking problem, however always was honest about it and for the first 8 years of our relationship mananged it where I could accept it. He would drink when we went out with friends, or when others were drinking. He rarely drank by himself. After 6 years of living together he begain drinking by himself almost daily. Prior to our wedding he quit drinking alone because I refused to marry him. After our wedding he picked up drinking alone. He now drinks on average 12-18 beers per day on a week day. On the weekends he usually will drink 24-30 beers by himself per day. He spends about about $800 per month in beer.
I pay for our house hold expenses, and if I ask for money to help pay for certain bills he drunkely explains to me how I need to straighten up and how I’m not spending my money wisely. He refuses to eat while drinking and goes several days with out eating.
When not drinking he is very quite and non responsive. He will go to bed at 5pm on nights when he doesnt drink. He has lost the ability to communicate when he is not drinking.
He has lived 6 years in prison for action taken while drinking. He is not scared to return to prison he is scared of loosing his family.
Since we have been married he has mended relationships with his parents and extended family. They now see him as the reformed person he protrays.
Because I am so close with his family they are aware of his current actions, but he is not nearly as bad as he was, as they see it. He maintains a job and sees his son. He cuts the grass and helps around the house. He completes all the chores any husband might do.
He has become verbaly abusive to me. As we all know, “I’m a F-ing idot because I left the hall light on!” He has poured beer all over our bed because I refused to sleep in the same bed while he was drunk because it smells. He turns the radio up so loud and refuses to turn it down and has even pushed me to keep me from reaching the volume button. He constently informs me that I don’t act the way I used too.
I completly understand his opions. I’m not the same. I have lost who I used to be. I have allowed his sickness to become mine. I obess about it. I wonder each night when I come home from work if he will be drinking or in bed by 5. I have lost my best friend!
I am mean to him. I call him a “drunk looser” all the time. It makes me feel better to hurt his feelings. I know its wrong and not helping the situation, but I feel better telling him how I feel. I’m sick of being nice.
I want him to just walk away from me. I want it to be him that leaves so I dont feel guilty for his further downward sprial. I dont want to see him hurt.
He has taken medication before for depression and that seems to help with the drinking. He has a bottle of Anabuse that has never been used also obtained to help him. He is completely aware of the problem when his is sober. He just can’t battle the urge to drink.
I dont want to leave him just yet. But unless I can figure out how to help him, I see no option in my future but to leave. I dont know how to get him help. Should I just walk away, save myself and hope he figures its out?
I am so sad and so heartbroken, I left my husband six years ago after 19 years of marriage. He has been verbally abusive and physically abusive to both me and my 3 children. Although he has been a addict for most of his teen years through adulthood, I am not an addict. I do not drink nor do I smoke pot or use any type of drugs.
I guess what I wanted to know is why do I carry all of this guilt. Any time something goes wrong with our kids or with him it is always my fault. It is always because I did not do something right. He is now married a year ago November 17, a much younger woman with a 7 year old little boy and he mistreats their dog. The dog is a little dauschand and he puts it in the pet carrier when it barks and kicks the carrier and spins the dog around and dumps the carrier upside down and thinks it is funny. It is a boy dog and he bought it a pink collars and tells everyone it is gay. That is this little boy’s dog. He hates everyone and everything it seems and certainly tries to hurt things that are smaller and weaker than he is.
The heartache and pain is killing me every day. When he divorced me, he grew his hair out long, got tattoos, rides a Harley, and looks absolutely horrible, but he thinks he is cool because he has a young wife, a stepchild and a little dog he can kick around.
I know I was a victim of his abuse and now another child, woman, and helpless animal will also be victims too!
This breaks my heart in two.
Dear Leah,
Your guilt is part of what a bully creates. I’ve seen this many times. You are absolutely not guilty, but he created that as a means of controlling you. He was and it seems, still is, a terrorist. A terrorist is someone who gets what he wants by making others fear him. He will probably end up in jail. I just hope nobody has to die to get him there.
A few sessions with an appropriate helping professional would help you release those awful feelings. You have carried his stuff far too long. Get some help to let it go. It is treatable! You deserve better that what you are giving yourself.
You have my heartfelt best wishes.
What he does to that poor, innocent dog is disgusting. You need to call the ASPCA or the police. I am sick over reading this.
You are absolutely right, Joyce. Thank you for saying what many of us are thinking.
the look you describe on his face….I see that look every time my husband drinks to a certain degree. It’s like he is no longer the man I know…but a stranger, that i do not like. It is exactly as you describe. There is a hollow,empty look. Almost a wild eyed look. It’s during those times that my husband has been the meanest. It’s actually quite scary. You need to keep yourself safe. My husband was always mental and emotionally abusive to me….never physical. But it was during those times that I wondered if he would snap. The rage that would radiate from him was awful! I did leave him almost a year ago now after 17 yrs of marriage and 2 wonderful kids. I love him, but could no longer put my kids, nor could I live with his addiction. It was destroying us as people….the marriage was already so messed up. I tried sooooo hard to save it. I begged him to quit, and to this day do! I love him, but cannot be with him. I can still hear it in his voice and tone over the phone when he’s had a few. Well Ladies, looks like we’ve all rode this terrible ride! God Bless you all and give you strength to do what you need to do. You cannot change him/her, all you can do is change what you can in your life! I sure did….and still do, a lot of praying for him!
I have just physically removed myself from my home and marriage of 6 years because my husband finally graduated to physically harming me in one of his drunken “spells”. It happened on Christmas day, which it seems is when it always happens…on my Birthday, on our Anniversary, on any holiday you can think of. His pattern is to go 6 months or more without drinking, then have a glass of wine with dinner, then eventually two a day, then four (that fourth drink turns him into a mean, angry, beligerent stranger who can’t wait to tell me how I make him angry and that’s why he drinks) and eventually a whole box (5 liters) in a day, or a fifth of Whiskey….enough to drop most people to their knees. He then retreats to the bedroom, where he sleeps it off for a few hours, then gets up, verbally abuses me, and starts drinking again until he needs to sleep it off for another few hours. He repeats this behavior every six months or so, and it always lasts from 3 to 5 days each time. I’m so sick of it – I believe I have lost the feeling of love for him – I feel empty and drained – and down right pissed off that he has made his problem MY problem. I can’t stomach to be around him when he is like this. He is such a hard worker and a good soul when he is sober – and then there’s this monster that appears. He graduated to physical violence this time around and broke two of my fingers because he thought I did not come home that night…when in fact it was just 4 hours after he left Christmas dinner at my sister’s home because he “didn’t feel well”, and left the dinner party. It was just an excuse to get out of there and drink some more before he passed out. When he awoke, he thought it was a different day! He didn’t have a clue. I grabbed the dog and got out pronto after he twisted my hands until he broke two fingers. Physical violence is not negotiable in my book. I’ve tolerated the verbal lashing far too long as it is. Now I’m not sure what to do next, but atleast I’m out of physical harms way until I figure it out. YIKES! I wouldn’t have chosen this life if I had known he was like this when I married him!
My husband and I have been together nearly 3 years, we lived together off and on for 2 of those years and have only been married for 10 months now. In Jan of 08 me and “my kids”(previous marriage) moved out because of his drinking, he gets very verbally abusive not only to me but to my children, my son is 17 and on 3 different occasions he has tried to provoke physical contact with him but I always tell my son to remember he is a drunk and to ignore him and my son does, funny thing is the next day he will apologize to my son but never to me. In feb of 08 he received a dui(still hasn’t went to court over it) and I was there for him as a friend to help him when it happened and I kept things on a friendship basis, well he started beggng and pleading for me to give him another chance that things would change that he would get better and all of there usual crapola, but me loving him and wanting so badly to believe in him I came back and married him. Well he got a automatic 90 day suspension on his drivers license for refusal of breathe test when they pulled him over and even though my gut said thats why he wanted me back my heart kept saying give it a chance. Well once his 90days was up he became the verbally abusive alcoholic again, I asked him if the only reason he married me was because he needed a ride to and from work for 90 days and he told me yes!!! But of course now he says he only told me that because it was what I wanted to hear, I guess I must of wanted to hear all the other abusive things he said to me also. I have to teens and no job(thanks to him) and I want to leave and never return to this place ever again, I want to wipe the memory of this man from my life. He will sit and tell you he is a alcoholic and that is what he wants to be, he doesn’t want to quit and won’t. I have gotten back into church and trying to live right and I just cannot see how anyone could live like this for countless numbers of years. I guess I wrote this becaus I would like to hear just one more person to tell me I’m doing the right thing by getting out even though I know it’s what I have to do. I guess I feel sorry for him because of his drinking problem an thats why I’ve put up with it but by putting up with it I become someone I don’t like. And I’ve been cursed, belittled, and dog talked for nearly 3 years now even when I didn’t live here he would call and text my phone cursing me and dog talking me for no reason. I know I was stupid for coming back here it is probably the worst mistake I have ever made. Yall just pray for me and my kids that god will help us to move forward and stay strong thru this…….Thank You.
Wow! Sometimes i just read some of the comments to catch up and make sure I am doing the right thing. I lived it too, 14 years on the alcohol merry go round. You think that you have done something, that you are at fault, and they blame you and tell you that you are a bad mum. They change every night a bit like dracula hey, and you cant wait till they fall asleep, because you know it is over for another night. They come back in the morning and sometimes they are sorry, or cry and when you realise that all you have to do is have more love for yourself, and tell them that they are not going to bully you anymore and dont play their game and leave if necessary. They will tell you what you want to hear, because they are so good at the game, and you keep believing them until one day, you have a heart attack or get sick, depressed or so down and you wonder how your life got so crap. I had this pain of anxiety in my chest everyday, always frightened when the crap would hit the fan, but the peace I feel now outweighs all the pain.
The house is up for auction next tuesday, I am transferring jobs taking the kids and I am really nice and polite to him, and he sits there and cries and drinks. I wont fall for it ever again. I wonder what happened to all that love, I try and think of things that I will miss without him, but not much comes to mind. All my memories are of occasions when he got pissed and spoiled the day, passed out at the end of the night, fell over or I drove home with him passed out in the seat next to me. I think with my head and not my heart, this has got me out of this terrible situation we still have to sort out money, but when you decide what you really want. That is not nursing and running after some alcoholic who is only going to deteriorate, they progress and you dont even realise it, we go into denial as well.
Put your heart in the cupboard for a while, use your head and have a real good look at the life you are living, and if it not how you want it, run because this is not a rehearsal, we only get one life.
Love to all. It is so hard and I know exactly how everyone of you feel. Alcohol is a curse
Shaz
I’m 33, my husband is 55. We’ve been together for almost nine years. We’ve been married for 4. Over the last two years it’s gotten worse. He’d drink beers that I know of and then I caught him hiding vodka in the utility room and vodka miniatures in various places. I always bust him because he’s not slick. I’ve told him several times I’m done, but I don’t really have anywhere to go. He’s not abusive, he works hard and provides for the family. He’s awesome in the day time and at night he’s like a whole different man. He walks around drunk, gets up atleast 8 times at night to urinate, whether it’s on the floor by the toilet or in the toilet. He even falls and breaks things and then in the morning blames the kids for breaking the items or eating his food, which he ate! He disgusts me. He looks old now and he NEVER wantes to do anything or have sex. I’m 33! When I try to speak with him about this he just says “yeah yeah yeah” I feel like i’m going to blow and I have no clue as of what to do. My mom just died, my dad died when I was a child. I have NO parents. My siblings don’t live here. I feel helpless!
Robin, you just have to look after yourself, work out what would be good for you, and if that is moving out, or near your family then that is what you do. People keep telling me that alcoholics have to hit rock bottom before most will decide they need help, Dr Neill might be able to clarify this point.
However, I know how hard it is when they are really great of a day time, they are like the man you want them to be, however, as the afternoon progresses you knows that they are hanging to have a drink and then another day is stuffed again.
It seems that they are only going to get worse, and I couldnt put up with the problems, emotionally and financially.
Its a horrible problem, but after reading this site you realise you are not along, and there are heaps of people living with exactly the same thing
best wishes
shaz
Even with a job/hobbies/counseling, my world has become so small. If he’s been home “sick” all day, I can’t invite anyone inside the house (a la Skid Row) because he’ll be lying nude on the living room floor, surrounded by bread crusts and banana peels. “Sick” equals passed-out. The last ER visit determined .43 blood alcohol. He works until 6:00 PM, with every other Friday off, yet we have dinner together only on Wednesdays, because he has so many other “things” he likes to do after work. I can’t plan on Christmas or birthdays, etc.. He’s a licensed California Family Therapist, working with troubled kids. Irony.
Faith reading I am crying as I read your post!!!!:(
Your situation sounds exactly like mine its so scary I have a 7yr old daughter and hsb pacifies her with candy,junk food,soda,etc. everyday against what I have asked (he has no respect for me)when I’m not around don’t tell your mother then when I find out and address it he becomes defensive and nasty! Our daughter is so poisoned,and so he loves her but as the gentleman sd at AA it’s a sick love!!!!
Now that I have had him removed from our house 4 the 3rd and last time tried deal at first and he suggested counseling so we went to two sessions he blows smoke up the counselors you know what and she noticed and sd to me later he blames you for everything even though I ws humble! I sd how I used to nag,argue,hate him(in front of our daughter),make demands no beer in the house,etc…I was finding he drank more and he would not drink for about a wk and a half and then would say I’m just drinking one beer(but his body wld nd it,this is as long as he can go I found out w/o drinking)he stopped going to bars becuz of my demands,but now that he is out he is right back to what I have been fighting for 6yrs drinking at the bars,going out,cheating I feel and lying about it,being disrespectful/defensive to me when I catch him in lies by calling me insecure and saying “Im sick of your big mouth”, the final straw for me was when our daughter said, “Mommy daddy loves he’s just sick of your mouth and doesn’t love you anymore!” This bought TEARS to my eyes!! At the instant I knw it was time to brake all communication counseling and all get my daughter and myself in counseling so I can heal our relationship….I just explain to her we are leaving daddy alone right now,she is so confused but very sweet about not contacting him. So I call my phones provider’s and blocked out all his numbers from any contact! I feel like Im not going to put you out and let you still emotionally,verbally abuse me at a distance this is defeating the purpose! I love him dearly and he loves me and I believe he is tired of me becuz now that he is out he is free and it will get worse,so sometimes I feel guilty becuz at least at home he was not going out, back at the bars,and limiting himself to his enabling friends. but then I think about the bad times, how he talks about me horribly to his friends,sister,ex-wife,etc. that I’m the reason he is not successful and dragged him down,etc. He has always worked and had a good job and we would have nice cars,houses,etc.,but then we would lose everything and I wasnt making as much as he. C his ex-wife made double income to him so when he would fall she would pick up the pieces and just put him on a pedastal, he wld cheat she would catch him and still stay he was physically abusive to her tried with me twice sent him to jail and hit him back with a golf club so he hasn’t tried since with me it’s just the verbal attacks on me and talking about me to his friends and the same ex-wife I just mentioned(they have 2 boys who he only pays child support, but doesn’t physically spend a lot of time with,their older now)but the ex is so happy that we have split she has always still loved him and told him i am POISON for him. So I am the only who has sd u r an F/alcoholic and trying to save him and the more he fights me and says I nd 2 drink and have the problem. So he will admit and say I have some issues but so do you,etc. so now that he has gone my business has flourished, I am working on losing the 55lbs I gained consuming myself with trying to fix him and my daughter and I are doing more things 2gether becuz I am not as stressed, but at night when she is sleep I cry becuz I miss my hsb but dont want that monster back.
I pray he falls so hopeless with despair and hs no choice but to find Jesus and get saved and one day come home!
I feel like if i divorce him all my sacrificing goes down the drain and I am waiting to see if he files,also I believe he is talking with a woman as well as he is communicating more with his ex who is an enabler big time and pacifies him with her $ and being there for him&and he has cheated with her before so I have not caught him but his actions show he is doing something,becuz my hsb likes to have sex and will nt b w/o a woman around. The other times I put him out he called all the time confessing his love willing to do anything just wanted to come home. This time he sd Im not coming back to you the way you are and we nd counseling so he is acting different and doesnt show me he really misses us like before,so I have heard so many stories about the wife praying for hsb and he has come around (takes time).
I figure I will concentrate on my daughter and I healing, going to Al-anon,Al-ateen,and it hurts that he DOES NOT GO OUT OF HIS WAY TO CHECK ON US AND FIGHT FOR OUR LOVE IT’S LIKE HE IS CONTENT WITH NOT TALKING. HE IS VERY PRIDEFUL&ARROGANT so I guess he figures she blocked me out so 4get it. i just pray that he misses us and him not contacting us is pride,etc and eventually he will gv in! I have since gotten closer to Jesus Christ and bought the boook POWER OF A PRAYING WIFE and now I am waiting on more blessings! I am praying for your marriage and wish you many blessings!!!!!! Thanks for listening& I pray Dr. Neil comments on some of my pain and decisions, and I also purchase book,”Survival Guide of Living with a Functioning Alcoholic”
Hi everyone, I’m so glad that I stumbled across this website, and to have read the comments left by everyone of you amazing courageous woman! I relate to what each of you have shared and it’s actually really comforting knowing that I’m not alone in this living hell.
Shaz, your post inparticular really helped me…your advice to put your heart aside for a while and use your head, I think, is essential to do. I’m currently in a 6 year relationship, and my partner has been on a rapid decline into alcohol oblivion for the last 2 years. He is a functioning alcoholic…gets up and goes to work everyday, pays the bills and although inconsistent, tries hard to be a good father. BUT our relationship has become so disfunctional. He’s virtually unrecognisable to me and is a far cry from the person I once loved and respected.
For too long I have thought…but, this is so sad…he’s a great person when he’s not drinking…he doesn’t mean it…and he had a shit of a childhood… So forgiving!!…after that very same persons tyranical verbal abuse. That same person who is cold, empty, nasty, antagonistic… Regardless of where my thoughts take me, given my situation, it always always comes back to the plain fact..he is an alcoholic. He will not change, I can not change him, I am not responsible for him, I do not want this for my life or for my son. So there is no other option for me but to leave the relationship. It’s the right thing to do.
Hey if anyone wants to share their story, I would most welcome it….you know, perhaps we could swap stories and thoughts, offer some comfort, support, ideas..?? I really feel it might be helpful for me to be able to do that.
Wishing you all the very best!
Tania x
tania, you said some good stuff in there, the part about he had a crap childhood and he doesnt mean it, I have made every excuse under the sun. Still waiting for my house sale to go thru, hopefully soon. He said yesterday that he was going to have a break from drinking, straight away my mind is saying that is good. Things might come good and that silly person who wants to believe that there is no problem comes back. But she doesnt stay long anymore, I say to myself, self what the hell do you think after 14 years it could be that easy, if it was so easy he would have changed before. And Kat you said we hope that they will fight for our love and change and us girls/sorry and boys too believe that when you REALLY….. love someone that they would do anything to save the marriage, stop hurting you, love the children more, support you and care for you and be the intimate friend you had before the bottle took over. My husband just disappeared somewhere, I am leaving soon but he left me months ago, sitting downstairs with his beer and Austar, not helping me pay bills, clean the house and pool, care for the kids, main tain the house, love me or take me on a holiday.. What will I miss when I go, his cuddles of a night time, the sex we used to have, that stopped because I moved upstairs away from his abuse verbally, the few moments that are there
of normality, hey you know what not much! It has been one hard long battle that has progressed, he hasnt spoken to my son for years, treated him terribly when he was a little boy. Husband has always put himself first, arrogant like you said Kat, a narcissist (very selfish and he thinks he is never wrong). I have lost a lot of trust too, unfortunately because all the promises are bull shit, so you get to the point, you feel what is the point of trusting them when they dont follow through with things. Just to finish, a letter came on friday arvo from a teenage girl who said he was her father, it was the year before I met him. He tore it up denied the whole thing and put it in the bin. I dont know what to believe, I am glad I am splitting up our money and property, I really believe th past comes back to bite people, how can you believe anything they have to say when they are only in their mind half the time. Love to chat more tania and kat
shaz
He lasted two days without a drink, anyway I think that was how long, doesnt matter. The last two days he was really down and grumpy. I knew he cant go without a drink, he asked would i pick him up from the club (bar) and after a few hours there he is a different person. He is more chatty, a little happier still complaining that I dont show him any love because I had switch off to save my sanity. It comes down to them or me, crazy hey, as I drive through the bottle shop on the way home from the club and he buys three more big bottles of beer I look at him and it is so sad, on the outside he is still the man I married, except for the red face and huge beer belly. It has been so hard to get myself to this point of leaving, I know if I dont go this will kill both of us, and that ultimately stuffs my kids too. If I stay I am caught in the madness of caring for him and watching him progress and put up with his eratic moods and nasty comments. The other alternative which I wish I had done years ago was to leave, I am ready to go. It is just the house sale that I hold out for and then I am gone. I honestly believed for 14 years that he was going to stop and some miracle was going to happen and I was going to have this dream life, that I have always hoped for in my head. It cant happen and wont happen while I stay with someone who is controlled by a bottle of alcohol. Dr. Neill said even if they stopped, they have to change their thinking which is a huge thing to do. Change your life, change your friends, my husband manages a club (bar) he is caught in a lifestyle that will kill him if he doesnt stop. This web site opened my eyes, I thought I was the only one caught in such a horrible situation that no one could ever give me the answer. How do you leave someone who you love more than anything else in the world….because they cant see that there thinking needs to change.
My eyes are full of tears, because it hurts so much and I have cried heaps of nights, but the best thing is when I read back over these comments I have written and see how muc h I have grown.
Love to all
Hi everyone,
I’m married for 6 years and have a 4 yr old daughter. My husband is an alcoholic with some bi-polar illness. He tries to work hard but gets disheartend with petty issues and starts drinking. He bangs his car almost everyday, he creates a scene almost in all markets, and I have no social life all thanks to him. His family does not support me and I am not qualified enough to pick up a job.
pls help.
Dear nid,
Living poor on welfare sounds like it would be better than what your life is now, and you might qualify for some job training.
In the big picture of things, you task is to decide what you want, and then take action. You don’t have to know in advance how you will do it. The universe will show you how as you go along.
i hate everything about my ex alcoholic partner. ive allowed him destroy my life , he is a chronic alcoholic.hes a liar, manupilator , scheaming bastard.he has begged for money on the street, hes not from around here i am, alot of people know me. in all my years i have never seen anyone to beg , only him in this village. he called the police for me because i slapped him across the head when he was drinking. im an alcoholic also. ive lost my brother and sister to alcoholism i pray i will not die that way. ive had a couple of relapses, the whole stress thing was unbearable with him.he contracted T.B last year and refused to take his medication for the nurse, he wanted me there.There was a danger my 3 yr old grandaughter was infected,and after alot of painful tests,thank God ,she is O.K . i have never seen anyone to cry so readily , and they just vanish when i tell him shut up . I dont like the person i have become, im angry ,resentful, depressed, pitiful, . Have isolated my-self ,will not go out . Gave up work as a carer because i could not take the stress living with him. I feel i am the abuser now , i insult him if i talk to him on the phone, he says outrageous things , blames me for things that hes doing . Why do i find it so hard to move on when i cant bear to be in the same room as him for 5 mins. I really thing im gone crazy from living with him. Why cant alcoholics that are brain dead ,and a liability to themselves and others be locked up. I am an alcoholics ,but i also hate alcoholics
I feel better for visiting this site. It reinforces that I am not crazy as my husband would say that I am because he has no problem with drinking but rather I have the problem. I have known him half my life. We have been in a relationship for twelve years but I have know him for twenty. He used to be my best friend. That hasn’t been the case for a long time. He will never quit drinking. He comes home under the influence 90% of the time. If were lucky he passes out right after walking through the door rather than interacting with me and his daughter. He isn’t mean. He isn’t nice either. He is obnoxious and stupid. He talks and argues about useless stuff in the evening and doens’t really remember much of it. Actually he remembers enough to say that I am being oversensitive and exagerating about his drinking.
I pay the bills. I would be fine by myself but I do love him. I don’t want this anymore though. I told him today quit drinking (he won’t) or move out. I hope I can keep my resolve!
It is amazing how these e-mails describe exactly what I try to express to my husband when he is sober. I always believed I was stronger than my husband’s addictions; Cocaine, Maurijana and alcohol. Alcohol has won out over the other 2 addictions thru the years and alcohol has won out over me. Unlike many who have written, I have always had a great job and my husband is not physically abusive. I learned the hard way to never let my guard down. I could tell so many stories they would fill a book and they would be very similar to the stories written on this Website.
Today my husband is retired, I still work, and if he has access to money, he will buy a bottle of vodka. I always feel like his jailer. It would be nice to one day not wait for the other foot to fall. It would be nice to let him have money and use it responsibly. Without me watching over him, he would drink and drive even more than he does and possibly kill someone. After 5 vehicle accidents, (3 sited as DUI’s-I believe he was taking drugs for the other 2), 3 totaled cars we owned not counting the ones he hit and the women who suffered back injuries, he was finally put under house arrest serving his jail time. The first DUI and a year after we were married, I thought we were lucky because he said he ran into a tree. When we went to look at the vehicle the husband and father of the woman driving with her mother in the other car were there too. My husband said, ‘Well you got what you want, I will never drink again.’ That was 27 years ago and he has repeated that same statement at least 1000 times. He also went to a rehab center. $12,000 and 2 days after, he was drinking again. He was a model patient and a great help to other alcholics while in rehab. When I went to rehab family day, many patients came up to me and told me what an awesome, great, helpful, caring man my husband was. I whole-heartedly agreed – when he is sober.
These days, I convince myself that I am saving a child’s life by keeping a close eye on him. The problem is he can be sober for long periods of time, even up to 4 years. Then, I let my guard down. For no reason that I can see, he would start his drinking again. He says he gets depressed and only alcohol helps. I told him alcohol is a depressant. Of course, alcoholics are not known for making sense! He has seen a doctor, but he said it won’t help. Just another excuse to not give up drinking completely.
After many years of experience living with drug addiction and alcoholism, you would think I would have found THE ANSWER. There is no simple answer if you decide to live with an alcoholic. However, I can say, if you decide to stay never, ever let your guard down. Don’t be fooled by waiting for things to hit bottom to get better – that bottom may very well be a life and let’s pray it is not yours!
I am engaged and my future husband drinks. I don’t live with him but I need to know how can I tell if he is an alcohlic. I have been married before and I don’t want to go through another divorce. I can’t really tell how much he drinks, he doesn’t abuse me, he works as a nurse, he is very good to me, he doesn’t party, but I need to know how to tell if he has a problem, we are going to see a counselor, because the drinking is a huge deal to me.
Teresa,
I assume you have answered the best you could the questions in “Alcoholism Test” on this website. You would also be a lot more savvy after reading the book.
If his drinking is a major issue for you and not for him, and he cares deeply about you, he will stop drinking. If his drinking is important to him, he may move on and free you to find someone with a better fit to you.
On the other hand, if his drinking is compulsive, that is, he must drink, he may dismiss or minimize the issue and try to convince you it’s your problem, not his. (Listen to how he talks with the counselor about his drinking.) If you get a hint of that, you are in for a mountain of grief over time.
Read Robert’s recent comment:
http://alcoholism.neillneill.com/9/the-functioning-alcoholic-part-one/
I have been married to my alcohlic for 2 years now. I have 2 kids and he has 2 kids, all live with us. I was born and raised in one state and because of all the duis we have moved 4 states away from my family and friends. He knows he has a problem, everyone knows he has a problem.
I love this man and don’t want to leave him but I know this is not the best situation for me or the kids. He is mean and verbally abusive to me and the kids. I am 32 yrs old and my oldest child is 16 and she hates being here. She doesn’t like the way her “dad” treats me or her 6 year old brother. He goes out and stays out nearly all night long partying with kids half his age, he is 33 and then blames me and says I nag him. He cries and apoligizes all the time and I do honestly believe him(although I know in my heart its part of the game). I also do not like the way he treats my youngest son.
I know I should leave but there’s so much involved. What about HIS kids? I’m the only sanity they have, although that’s not saying much. He can’t go back to the state we came from because of a warrent stemming from alcohol and can’t get a decent job because of said warrent.
We never seem to have enough money for a decent amount of groceries but ALWAYS seem to have enough money for a 30 pack a day. I’m writing this while he sleeps it off and I’m to the point that I can’t even seem to get mad anymore and that pisses me off too. I’m almost numb so maybe there’s still hope because I do still feel something.
Reading everyone elses posts I see so much of my relationship. The fear of physical abuse, the fear of being alone, the fear of leaving. I’m just tired of being scared all the time. Will he make it home or will I get that dreaded call? Is he gonna kill himself, my kids or someone elses kids when he makes the decision to drive(he like to drink and drive, even when the kids are in the truck with him)!
I would like to say he’s a good father but can’t seem to even bring myself to say that anymore. The kids hate him and everyone has to walk on egg-shells, drinking or not.
THIS IS NOT THE MARRIAGE OR THE LIFE I SIGNED UP FOR!
Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks, Amy
Dear Amy,
No, you didn’t sign up for this. Leaving a relationship is difficult, even if you know it’s the right thing to do.
From what you are saying, you are clearly endangering your children by ever letting them get in a vehicle with him. And you set a poor role model for your children if you stay, love or not. If your daughter or son grows up and gets into such a situaton, would you want them to stay no matter what? No? Then don’t model it.
You may need some professional help as you go through the transition. Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
I have married for 11 years. It is hard to pick up and leave, you think it will get better or change. My sitation has only worsened over the years. It started out with beer (weekend drinker mostly) and now he sits at the shop (alone most nights) drinking cheap whiskey until he is staggering drunk. He thinks I should be glad that he isn’t out in the bars or on the road. The situation has never been perfect but it is really bad the last three years. He was laid off about 5 months ago and hasn’t found a job. Now I am stuck paying all the bills and he sleeps all day and drinks all night. He makes sure he isn’t in the house when I get home. It is a miserable life and he has told me he doesn’t plan to stop or change. We have a 9 year old daughter. I konw I need to get her out, but we have bills and now only one income and unemployment. I can’t save enough money to even get us into an appartment right now. Things keep getting worse and it doesn’t seem that anyone notices the chaos but me.
Deb
See a lawyer. Get him out. Protect your daughter.
Hi everyone,
This is my second post. The last was about four months ago, and I am proud to say that I have left my abusive relationship.
I found the courage and the strength to leave and I am so happy NOT to be in that situation and environment anymore.
I can let out my breathe, and I can relax for the first time in years.
Practically and logistically it was a nightmare getting to this point, but well worth it…HONESTLY. I am now on government assistance/benefit (“welfare” I think you guys call it in the States), and it’s hard, but you adjust and get by…and learn to be very skilled at budgeting and resourceful with what you have and what you get.
I have lots of emotional support from family and friends, which is probably the most significant thing to get me through, along with my son. I just look at his little face and know I finally made the right choice.
My best wishes, happy thoughts, and STRENGTH to you all.
Tania.
I have been married to my husband for over 30 years. We are both in our late 50s and our children are grown and out of the house. We’ve had a pretty good marriage free of serious problems.
My husband has always been a regular (but not heavy) drinker. I have nothing against drinking even though I drink very little / drink socially on occasion.
For many years my husband has drunk at least a few beers or glasses of wine daily. This concerned me a little but when I mentioned it to him, he rationalized it away and said it isn’t harmful. I was willing to go with that. Especially since drinking has never seemed to interfere with his life or work. He has never, to my knowledge, missed a work or family obligation or been in trouble with the law due to alcohol.
Little-by-little his drinking has increased to where he now drinks at least a 750 ml bottle of wine a day or sometimes a combination of wine and beer totaling the same amount. He drinks every day. During the week he begins drinking after work and continues til bedtime. On the weekend, his drinking starts a little earlier, especially if he or we are at a function with alcoholic beverages.
My husband is not verbally or physically abusive, but I seem to see subtle changes in his personality. Quite frankly, he is getting boring. I know that this amount of drinking cannot be good. I also fear that the amount of his drinking will continue to increase as it has already. My husband was once very lean, but is at least 50 pounds heavier than when we married and is now getting a bit of a paunch – surely at least partly due to the many extra calories a day from wine and beer.
Many people in his family (mainly white collar, educated) drink a lot. He admits that his own father was a functioning alcoholic.
I don’t see being able to live with this for the rest of my life and especially if the amount of drinking increases. But I don’t know how to approach him about this without him becoming defensive. There are some other issues in our marriage which need addressing as well and the drinking issue has sort of brought it all into focus for me.
Any advice?
Hi Kathryn,
My recommendation is that you find a good professional for marriage counseling, someone your husband could respect and someone who has some experience with addictions. Book an appointment for you and your husband, and go alone if he won’t join you.
Make it clear to your husband that you are seeking helping in deciding how you want to live the rest of your life, because the present isn’t good enough. In the process of all this, you will gain clarity. He may too. You both need it for the choices you will make. If he decides to leave alcohol behind and needs help, have him get in touch with me to discuss options. He does NOT have to be "in recovery" for the rest of his life.
Eileen and I have been together 30 years too, but we had a bad patch about 8 years ago. I know that getting a long-term marriage back on track is worth fighting for. We have been able to get through the subsequent deaths of three of our children, and have ended up even closer.
You both have my very best wishes.
Neill
Hi. I came across these stories from women in my situation and find it strangly comforting to read them. I’ve been married for five years, together for seven and we both have two children from previous marriages. My daughters 12 and 14 live with us in Texas, his boys live in New York.
He always drank, but the last three years and especially this last year it has gotten so bad I don’t know how he is alive. He drinks straight vodka starting the minute he wakes up -four or five am, until he passes out, then starts drinking again. He consumes about a liter and half per day. He doesn’t take care of his appearance or exercise anymore and we no longer have sex. He disgusts me and he has ED from the booze, so we quit that a few years ago. I hate our life together. He manages to keep employment and is really good to me and my girls financially and he cooks. His tolerance is so high, most of the time strangers don’t know he’s been drinking at all. He does get really opinionated and repeats the same stories over and over when he’s drunk-which is always, but luckily, he is not violent. He is very insecure and pathetic. He is in deep denial though and thinks he’ll live forever. He says I have a drinking problem to be mean, but I drink about two bottles of wine a week and don’t drink at all at least two days a week because I come from a family of drinkers and alcoholics and I’ve always been aware and concerned about my health and aging. I also abstain for weeks at a time for cleansing a few times a year and I don’t crave alcohol. I exercise and care about my health. He’s just trying to justify his drinking by making me feel bad. I feel I can’t leave because of money. If I had the money, I’d leave. He won’t quit. He doesn’t want to quit. I feel really stuck and am understandably depressed. I need direction. I have thought of Alanon and perhaps that would help. I have to get my life on and find some joy again. He’s a helpless mess, but that doesn’t have to ruin all my days…Thanks for listening and would appreciate any advice. T
Tara,
Harsh as this may sound,you are being paid not to have a life. And it can’t be good for your kids either. The money isn’t worth it. You and your daughters will have some decrease in affluence if you leave, but you won’t be destitute. Discuss with a lawyer.
People can’t quit because alcohol is so easily available and a habit. my husband got tired of my drinking went to detox/psyche 2 days to make sure. My addiction is I like the buzz and I can’t stop. I hold down a job pay the bills, and I thought I was o.k. The real key is to have a deterrant to go on ANTABUSE, so you won’t drink. 2 days to get in your system and 2 weeks to get out and if you have a teaspoon of alcohol it will feel like you popped 10 drinks. that’s what you need, and Revia to decrease cravings. My minds says I want the shit. I never had DT’s. It really works. MD’s arent going to help you with this because you have to be alcohol free 12 hours after your BAC reads 0. I Had a very High tolerance to alcohol. Blow a 0.45 on a breathylyzer with no signs of intoxication. It took 8 years to do this. 10 hours to clear my system since I’m 5’10″ 190 pounds. You have to go to a center to make sure alcohol is cleared or you will end up in the ER. google ANTABUSE. I’ve been sober for 7 days. Thank God my husband did not divorce me. I did not hit rock bottum. hope this helps
I so know your pain. I too am in the same boat. My daughter is 4, soon to be 5 and I dont know what to do. My husband is a funcioning alcoholic. It took me awhile to realize it. I guess he is just smarter than me, or just practiced at it. My mother is bypolar and I grew up with her, so I guess sometimes I dont know what normal behavior is, but I knew him in high school and dated for 2 years. We have been 2gether now for 7 years. I love him and dont want to leave. I wish I knew how to help him.
My husband and I have been married for four years. For both of us this is a second marriage. When we dated we would go out for supper and drink and have a really good time. After we were married the drinking continued. I started to feel bad physically and emotionaly so I cut back my drinking to a few glasses of wine a week. My husband still drinks like its a party every night. He polishes off a 40lb of Rye every two days. His memory is going, we have no sex life (he blames me), he drives drunk, he looks for any excuse he can find to go out for lunch with the boys so he can start his drinking earlier in the day. I have confronted him on several occassions and he claims he needs a drink to manage his stress. A drink would be fine but he manages to consume at least 15 – 20 oz of booze every night. We finally had a big blow out the other night, after much crying on both our parts he confessed he still didn’t know why his first wife left him and took his kids. He might still be in love with her. He hasn’t dealt with his past divorce at all and is using alcohol to cope. My husbands refusal to deal with his past and his drinking will eventually ruin our marriage. For now I have decided to stay in the relationship and seek help for myself. I only hope he will be able to join me at some point and resolve his deamons without alcohol. I love him with all my heart.
Dear Sue,
I’m glad you are getting some help for yourself. It will help you gain clarity. You wouldn’t believe the number of marriages that falter because one party has not completed the grieving over the loss of a previous relationship or for being separated from the children. And it’s so stupid, because the emotional effect of loss are treatable. Alcohol simply postpones dealing with it. Without the alcohol and with help, he could have worked through this years ago.
But some would rather suck on a bottle and wallow in grief than face the reality what happened and deal with it.
I am extremely depressed, don’t know what to do. Husband has been smoking pot daily for 35 years, now has a cough. He drinks two bottles of wine a night. Every night is the same, watches tv while drinking. Completely ignores me. My 19 year old daughter and i are completely financially dependent on him. I’m trying to find my way out or just suffer to have a roof over my head. I am 51. He is 53.
Dear Lucinda,
There is always a way out, but someone in depression usually can’t see a future. If you can, see a professional with help for your depression. See a lawyer about a separation. You are under no obligation to live this way until he drops…or you do.
Give yourself a jolt by thinking about what you are modeling for your daughter. Would you want your daughter to stay in an empty marriage no matter what?
You’ll look back on your separation as very freeing, even if you have to go on welfare for a short time.
Best wishes.
Thank you, I am going to get help for my depression and go from there, I would also like to mention that he secretly started growing pot plants under the house, and I believe is addicted to porn. He is highly educated. He knows he can get away with anything because I have no money. He never smokes in front of me but leaves signs of his addiction everywhere. He doesnt care anymore what he looks like. He knows how I feel but does not care. I know he would choose pot over me, in fact he already has. He is very arrogant and will deny to anyone he has any problems. But I am the only one who knows his dirty secrets.
I got sober a year ago and my husband tried to stop with me but will not go to AA and hates it. There is no alcohol in our home but he will sneak off and get drunk every few weeks or so. It’s only become worse over the last year. Then he will say its my fault that I stress him out and I won’t allow alcohol in the house or I’m always at meetings. Our sex life is horrible and we have been trying to conceive for the last year with no luck, instead lots of doctors and financial burdens. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats and own a home. We fight constantly about fertility, money, his drinking, my program and sex. I’m at the point of separation but was laid off and have no financial security other than unemployment. Am I overreacting to this? He refuses to go to marriage counseling and I don’t know what to do anymore. Thanks.
Hello Semantha. You are probably underreacting, not overreacting. Please don’t bring a child into that mess.
AA is unsuitable for many people and he may be one of them. However, there are alternatives to 12 step. Marriage counselling probably won’t help much until he decides he wants to turn his life around, and then takes action. He’ll have to deal with why he is so unhappy. (It’s not about you, no matter what he says.)
Have you read my book? It would help you with your decision.
My husband has an addiction problem. A year ago he FINALLY quit cigarettes and 2 months ago we both quit smoking weed together. For me it was not an issue because I have wanted to quit for sometime. He has always been a drinker but recently has been passing out every night.
He has never been abusive to me or our 2 small children, but his personality changes now. He wants to argue and accuses me of lying because he doesn’t remember things from the previous night. He says I am making him try to change by “making” him quit everything. On top of the drinking, he is eating pills like candy, particularly Vicoden. He takes it for the high. He says he can’t quit everything and has admitted when he is sober that he is jealous of me because it is so easy for me to be free of addictions.
I grew up in a house of meth, heroin, alcohol, physical, mental, and sexual abuse. I have been there and refuse to let my children experience that. The only thing I have ever done regularly is pot. I am not a drinker, have never tried hard drugs, I don’t even consume caffeine. He gets so dependent on everything.
I am finding myself sickened by him, unattracted to him, but we have kids and I am a stay at home mom working part-time at the Y. He refuses to get help for his addictions claiming he needs them. What do I do?
Hello Megan,
There are no easy solutions. The really important consideration is what your children see modeled. That’s what they learn. Right now, what they see is an addicted father with all the irrationality that comes with it, a mother who stays with him and won’t rescue them from a worsening situation, and two unhappy parents who stay together even though they don’t like each other. Is that how you want them to live when they grow up? If not, then you (the two of you) will have to make some changes, however difficult. Are you up to it?
Given your background, it is no accident you were attracted to and married the man you you did. It is not a life sentence, because change is always possible.
I recently took the alcoholism test in regards to my husbands drinking, although I knew in my heart the answer was a glaring YES! His father has been/is still an alcoholic and his large family has always made excuses for the behavior, so although his family in Mexico doesn’t see this as a problem, my husband’s drinking (we live in the US) is a problem for us. When we married six+ years ago, I knew he drank a lot, but I thought, “people change, he will change”, however, he hasn’t-he goes to work, pays the bills, has friends, and is a “regular guy” when others are around, however, he drinks 5-7 drinks at every party and often at home he drinks 6-8 beers on weekend nights (every weekend). If there is alcohol in the house, he obsesses about drinking it and tries to entice me into “having a glass of wine”, even though he will finish off the bottle himself in one evening. He has and does admit to having a drinking problem and even to being an alcoholic, he also recently admitted to a one-time affair three years ago. After I discovered this 3 months ago, I went to see a therapist and when I told him I was leaving, he went to see a therapist as well, in hopes that I would stay. But, to be honest, these last 3 months have been HELL and he’s still drinking-I know that we have had many tragedies in our marriage-my mom died our first year of marriage, I had four miscarriages in four years and his mom died suddenly last year, and he has always been very difficult, if not impossible at communicating and being open. In my heart I feel that I have given this almost seven years and seen no “fruit”, and I’m ready to move on, for both of us, but I always find myself holding onto one more shred of “things will get better”…I’m so hurt and bitter and disappointed and I don’t know if I want to forgive him, let alone if I can…
my husband and i have been together 25 years, 24 of those married. we have a 13 year old son (much treasured after 3 miscarriages). i am 48 and my husband 58. he is from an eastern european country. he was a political dissident and was imprisoned for 2-3 years, doing hard labor. he was beaten, tortured and kept in solitary when he wouldn’t inform on others. both of my parents are recovering alcoholics, who were violent to each other when they were together (until i was 9), and drinking. i witnessed my dad beating the crap out of my mother, saw her try to kill herself by setting herself on fire, and she was physically and verbally abusive to me. she later had a 19 year old boyfriend when she was 32, and i 12, who was also physically and verbally abusive to me. i grew up in san francisco, in bad areas, surrounded by criminals, addicts, and crazy people. from age 9-12, i was sexually abused by a neighbor, and when i cried to my mother about it, she told me i was a prude with a dirty mind, and ordered me to continue going to his place. i have a sister who was also sexually abused (by a different neighbor), who is now a struggling alcoholic and crack addict.
i didn’t date until i was 20, and was too afraid to have sex until i was 22. i only had 4 boyfriends before i met the man i married. one of those boyfriends told me, “you’re life story is so horrific that no one will ever be able to love you!” when i met my husband, i felt we understood each other because we’d both suffered so much. i figured i’d finally found someone who COULD love me, and i felt safe loving because he was so strong and responsible and emotionally stable.
he’s always been a heavy drinker, and sometimes over did it on weekends when partying with his friends, but seemed like it wasn’t any more than any of his other family and friends, and i know his culture is a drinking one. and besides, he was a charming, happy drunk. he has always worked hard, made nice money, saved responsibly, met his obligations, and even does all the cooking (because i’m a terrible cook, and hate it with a passion). we also have travelled a lot throughout the US and Europe. i love traveling, but he has started to hate it. we own 3 houses, and have 3 mortgages (one of them upside down, but at least rented out). there is no way to sell any of them.
i have always been moderately to severely depressed, and have lost job after job (and friend after friend) because of my depression. most of the work i’ve done the past decade has been as his secretary/translator/editor in his own business. i’m only able to work on things that don’t cause me too much stress (other than deadlines, which i can handle). i don’t have great social skills – seems like i always end up disappointing and then pissing off the people i work with (though i’ve always done well with customers). but i get stressed out and worn out by pressure and noise, and can’t multi-task. also, i’ve had several surgeries on my eyes, and am now night-blind, so i can’t go to any job that would require me to drive either before sunup or sundown (and most of them DO have those kinds of hours). there is virtually no bus system where we live.
the reason i mention all that is that i doubt i’d be able to find any kind of work, and my and our son’s lives would become pretty bad if i left or my husband left.
the past few years, my husband has started to drink every single day. it used to be beer and hard alcohol, but he’s switched to red wine (believing it is “healthy”). he’ll drink 3-4 bottles a night if i let him. last year, i found out he was spending about $300 a month on wine. when i pointed it out, he agreed to drink just 2 glasses of wine a night on weekdays, and 3 glasses of wine on weekends. that doesn’t sound like much, but his glasses are enormous, and he fills them to the rim. so that’s probably equal to 4 glasses on weekdays and 6 weekends. compared to what many of the women above report, that’s still not much, but his personality changes after just 2 of “his” big glasses. he gets loud and obnoxious and repeats things and argues stupidly and if we get upset with him, threatens to leave us. in fact, lately, he threatens to leave every night. we keep our alcohol under lock and key, but he’s constantly maneuvering to sneak, trick or cheat his way into having extra glasses of wine. for the last 4 hours of each evening, i have to keep my eye on him constantly. if i go to the bathroom, he finds the key (if i haven’t hidden it well enough) and runs to the liquor cabinet and pours himself another, guzzles it, and pours another after that. if i stand behind him when he’s pouring his first or second glass, he complains about me being like his mother who controlled his father until the day he died.
i also know that if we split, he would just disappear from our lives. he’s kind of cold-hearted. he never phones or writes his friends or his daughter and grandson from “the old country” – THEY have to put all the effort into keeping in contact with him. he’s an ok father to our son – spends some time with him, but doesn’t play sports with him ever, even though he used to play soccer and european handball when he was younger. he never drives him to any events either, but at least he sometimes goes to school meetings – our son has some learning disabilities and so we have lots of IEP meetings. he used to be affectionate with our son, and even laughed and played with him – it’s so sad when we watch the old videos of them together, because these days he’s mostly just incredibly grumpy and unhappy and just grunts whenever anyone asks him anything or tries to talk with him. like a lot of the men mentioned already, he’s gained a lot of belly weight (he’s now obese), and his hygiene sucks. he wears filthy clothes, and if i grab his pants to wash them, he complains, “what’re you doing? i’ve only been wearing zem 4 days!” he drinks as he cooks (like the Galloping Gourmet), keeps adding more and more hot peppers into whatever he’s making (til our son can’t stand to eat it). then he sits at the dinner table and drops food all over his face and clothes, leaving big grease spots i always have to use stain remover on when doing laundry. he smokes all the time, and burns little holes into all his clothes. he constantly stinks of cigarettes and body odor, and in the evening, wine gets added to the stench. at night he snores like a buzz saw, tosses and turns, moans and groans, even hums and sings and talks in strange languages (not his own). he now sleeps in our guest room so i can get some sleep.
when he manages to get really drunk, i stay awake all night for fear he’s going to get up to pee and not make it to the bathroom. he has also hurt himself – at a friends house where we spent the night, he fell backwards into their tub, his pants down around his ankles, and cracked his head, smearing blood over the tiles. another night, he fell 10-15 feet down an embankment into an icy creek (at about 10 degrees f) and had to be rescued from drowning by his friend. and he almost shot himself in the leg when out camping with that same friend, plus i have a bullet hole in a wooden bowl in our living room, shot by his brother in law while they were both drinking. this last week, at Christmas, my 21 yr old niece came running in and whispered, “hey… your husband is naked in the hot-tub with us!” ugh…. he’d promised me he wouldn’t embarrass me in front of my family, but he’d gotten in with my niece and 18 yr old nephew and his 19 yr old friend.
that same evening, he drunkenly told my mother that if i REALLY loved him, i’d accept him as he is. he thinks he’s not harming anyone, and he works so hard – he DESERVES to drink what he wants. sometimes i think he might be right – he doesn’t abuse us, just worries us. if i didn’t care so much, it wouldn’t matter what he does. and it’s not like the grass is any greener on the other side – at 25 yrs, our marriage has lasted years and years longer than anyone else’s we know (other than his own parents and sister’s). everyone else seems sort of miserable in their relationships (or lack of them). i just wish he’d get some therapy and work out his issues, but where he came from, psychologists and psychiatrists worked as informants for the State – only crrrazzzzy people went to them. :/
sorry this has been so long… i’m just so discouraged, but can’t see a way out that doesn’t have us ending up with an even more miserable life, and regretting losing a father and husband who is pretty great during daylight hours.
Hi Val,
Yours is a sad story. I have two suggestions:
Get some help for yourself. Find someone who can treat trauma (you have a long trauma history) and who understands alcoholism. It may be a psychologist, but call him or her a “life coach” for purposes of keeping the peace at home.
Read my book, “Living with a Functioning Alcoholic.” It will help you understand what not to do that may be making things worse. (You are doing a few.)
You have my best wishes for your journey.
Neill
thanks, dr. neill. i can’t believe i wrote so much. lol – that thing goes on forever, yet i forgot to mention i’ve had years of therapy. it’s always been hard to find anyone interested in treating the “trauma” though – seems like everyone just wants to deal with the here and now. which has been useful, but not enough. i even asked the last one if we could focus on the past because i feel like i just need to get it out, and she agreed, but then kept steering me towards discussing the present. i’ve kind of given up on therapy for now. however, i’m interested in reading your book. i’ll go look at it now. thanks for listening.
Hi Val,
After you have read the book, or before if you wish, please contact me if you are interested in doing some “trauma coaching.” I do “distance work. “It sounds like you really could benefit from some good trauma work. Or send me an email telling me where you live and I’ll see if I can identify someone with appropriate expertise in trauma work in your area.
I have read alot of the replies and they are all so similar to my situation, I know the most sensible thing to do would be for me and the children to leave him. But I love him and know what and awesome partner and father he is when not drinking, although those times are few now days. Is there anyone that has weathered the storm and now has a happy alcohol free partner. I so want to help him so he will be there for our 7 year old, my first husband died at 38 leaving me alone with 3 children, I do not want my 7 year to lose her father too. I really really want him to get better, I don’t want for him to have to hit rock bottom first though. Please I need some good stories, give me hope…
I have lived with my boyfriend for 3 years. We had a relationship 30 years ago in high school and kept in touch over the years. We are both 50. He drank a little when I first moved in and wanted me to drink with him. I drank heavily in my younger years but just don’t drink at all now. He has progressively drank more to where he drinks every night or if it’s his day off, he can start earlier in day. He drinks 1/2 to 1 large bottle of vodka. Some days he will switch to wine – 1 to 2 bottles.
He got a DWI last July and is still waiting to go to court. He was required to go to classes for alcoholism and all he got from that was all the other people were way worse them he was.
When he drinks, he gets mean, says ugly things or gets just totally stupid in remarks he makes. I have got to where I hope he is passed out already when I get home from work. Since last summer, I have thought about it and I am leaving the end of this month. We got in a big fight after he told me his ex wife wanted to talk with him. I apparently was supposed to be violently opposed to that if I really loved him. She has cancer and wants to make amends. I thought it would be good for both of them. He told me if I didn’t give him the answer that was right I could just pack up and leave. So I told I would leave – but that it wasn’t because of his ex, it was because of his drinking. I told him if he doesn’t get help and his going to die. He works, pays the bills, takes care of the yard, but he turns into a person that I can’t be around when he drinks – which is all the time now. Sad.
I was married previously to a man who was an closet addict – coke – and I stood by him for 6 years. I learned my lesson. I would have left sooner but I have been getting dental/medical stuff taken care of while I still have insurance. When I leave, I return to the small town I moved from. I don’t have a job yet, but am going on faith that I will find one. (Didn’t mean for this to be so long – just helps to tell someone.)
thank you thank you for all of your stories eveyone….and for this website!
i have been married for 25years (next wed) although separated for the last 2 years and have either left my husband or kicked him out on numerous occasions before.
i was pregnant, got married even tho i knew he was an addict and drinker, i somehow believed and hoped that he’d grow up when he saw his baby…..well! 25years and three beautiful children down the line he is still no different.
he is an alcoholic, gambling, druggie, who somehow manages in some kind of way to maintain his business which “proves” to him that he is ok and of course i have no right to complain because as long as he manages to support our family he cannot be an addict. to say nothing of the fact that he borrows huge, really huge amounts of money all over to keep things going.
of course i am the mad, depressed, no fun, nagging, stiff, f….d up one because i really should be counting my blessings. we forget about the times i had to lock myself up in the room and call his brother or a friend to come and take him away cos i was so scared of being hurt by his crack-crazed violence. we forget about how many times he was driven home by strangers and left his car at the casino, and the time he ran out of petrol, pushed his car into a park nearby, and the next day reported it stolen (blackout) only for me to find it 2 days later when i was driving past the park! the nights of him coming home, face smothered in bright pink lipstick, him spending hours in the bathroom with drugs and porn.
i spent my life trying to give the kids some sort of stability, thinking there was something wrong with me because my husband didn’t love me enough to come home to, dieting constantly cos maybe if i was thinner, sexier, cleverer, etc he would love me more than he loved his fixes.
i protected the kids from knowing the truth and protected him from them. even tho he left my six year old alone on the soccer field at night in winter with no lift home while he was using – another kind dad brought him home.
i could go on and on with all these stories – a never-ending saga of pain, hopeless love, co-dependency, sadness, in between which were the lovely family holidays (were they real?), birthdays, his kind generosity, a sweet but very sick man. i write this to remind myself never to go back
i need reminding every day.
i bravely left him 2 years ago but he refuses to give me a divorce, has every excuse in the book. he is a victim of my so called cruel and calculated move and now he is keeping me hanging in limbo,. he has a girlfriend, in my face, in my house, in my bed in front of my children.
i get very confused – rage, jealousy etc because my delusion only remembers the good times and the nice sober him. and of course she only sees that part – weekends only she lives in another city.
therefore i need the reminders of the reality. he is nowhere near recovery, he is still abusing me emotionally, he is still very sick.
will the wanting him ever go away? i need to “put my heart in the cupboard”!(love that one!) and stay in my head that remembers the heartache, lonely desperate nights when i didn’t know if he was alive or dead.
the doubting of myself, the crying and the pain. i have to remember he is not based in reality – he too is a child, a damaged one who refuses point blank to grow up. he refuses to take responsibility for his stuff and constantly puts the blame on me.
where i live now is sunny, contained and a happy space. i don’t have much stuff but i have some sense of peace. i sleep at night.
the process of leaving after many prayers felt like the red sea opening before me and i had to walk through it even tho it was so scary. i knew my (and my kids) survival depended on it.
i am proud of what i did! must never go back even tho i love him. i will be brave again and find the strength to push this divorce through
oyayoy!
i think its the fact that he stayed relatively functional that made it even harder to see the real truth and easier to believe the manipulation and lies.
thank you for the space to write my story( very abridged) thank you thank you it helps!
how do i fixed that i’m emotionally detached after my husbands drinking? During that time he was emotionally and almost physically abusive
Hello Ang,
Becoming detached or even numb when you are being abused comes from your inner wisdom to protect yourself. It’s emotional preparation for detaching completely, that is, leaving, so you can have a life again. But protect yourself; abusive spouses become most dangerous during and shortly after a separation.
These people do not seem to be functioning alcoholics at all.
I have been with a now non functioning alcoholic for almost 20 years. Nightmare roller coaster, been there worn the tee shirt. I do not drink or do drugs etc myself. But the worst aspects of the journey have been the abuse from outsiders.
I do not think we understand the illness or whatever your take is on it. Well it is much easier to criminalise and demonise the drinker isn’t it?
Tough love, walk away, al anon, detach with empathy, if you are not the solution then you are part of the problem. Oh and leave them to hit rock bottom (oh as in a recent case someone or others might kick them to death after abusing them).
In other words it is self inflicted so jog on.
I came upon this site today while I was at work because I know that my husband is a functioning alcoholic and I am starting to get fed up with him! We had a fight last night because on his days off he is always gone drinking and we never see him (he works 12 hr shifts), so it made me very upset because we just had a discussion about this a week ago and he said he would do better, but last night he told me that he likes to drink and that is what he is going to do!
We have had a lot of verbal abuse and some physical abuse in the past, he even pushed me down when I was 8 months pregnant with our son and now my son has speech and behavioral problems and I wonder if it was from the fall, I have had to call the police on him several times in the past he has broken windows out of three of the houses we lived in and the other night he woke me up when he was drunk and started trying to pull me out of the bed because I wouldn’t fix him any food. My oldest son (from a previous relationship) does not have much respect for my husband I can tell but I think he keeps quiet for me. I am at my wits end. His mother also enables him financially and emotionally, he can blow all his money on beer and liquor and he can always call her to pick up the pieces. I feel bad because
I have let my self lose it, I suffer from anxiety from worrying too much, and now I feel like a shell of who I once was. He says I’m no fun, but everything he does involves drinking except when he is at work. Pray for me. Any advice?
I’ve been married to a functioning alcoholic for 24 years. I’m just so tired of living this way, not wanting to go to events because he’ll get drunk, crude and vulgar. I’m tired of people encouraging him, he’s fun, he’s cool, they see it once in a while I have to drive it home and deal with it. He loves the friends that praise him and think I’m just “no fun” which he jokingly tells people is my Chinese name. When he’s drunk at these events, I become the butt of his jokes, and everyone finds him funny and lovable except me. Any friend that has dared to tell him that he is rude, crude, vulgar and has a drinking problem is no longer invited to events and he conveniently cuts out of our lives.
We no longer have sex, we no longer sleep in the same bedroom, there is no intimacy and looking at him because just gets mad. I’ve spent days arguing with him, crying and just being upset; now I just don’t go, leave without him and close the door to my bedroom. I’m lonely and I want to move on and meet someone but he refuses to move out even though he has places to go to, he has family, I have no one. My kids are grown and they get annoyed with him when he’s drunk but when I get mad at him, they laugh. Its a big joke to everyone. I’m 44 years old and I don’t want to be the old lady that told me that she wanted a divorce when she was 42 but stayed with a man she hated and now in her 80′s everyone laughs at her when she tells them she wants a divorce.
It really makes sense, hope that you will add some more soon!
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 3 years. He is 76 and I’m 68. He has been a functioning alcoholic for more years than I have known him. In the past 2 weeks he has become a non-functioning alcoholic. I can’t make him get help. I can just cry and watch him die..
I have been in a relationship with my partner that ended one month ago. She is an admitted alcoholic and despite breaking up in the past and her promise to not want to loose me over alcohol, she went full circle. First it was beer, then the beer made her bloated, then wine, then the hard stuff. On top of it, she is premenapausal and did nothing about it. I was blamed for everything, and she was frustrated with me on a daily basis for every little thing. I learned to leave her alone and bite my tongue but she knew which buttons to push and I would react. I believe she did this for two reasons. 1. She wanted the arguement. 2. It was her way of being able to accuse me of treating her just as badly.
I asked her repeatedily to slow down, or stop, that it wasn’t good for her health or us. Her response, “I work everyday and don’t get crazy when I drink. I am handling it. I tried to tell her it changes her personality, that it creates intolerance, frustration, anger, and inpatience. Am I correct? She also responded by saying that she doesn’t know anyone who doesn’t have a few drinks at the end of a stressful day.
I became so frustrated that I had to walk away even though my heart is broken. Despite this, I am still trying to reach out to her through emails in hopes a light bulb will go on in her mind before it’s too late. She was going to propose to me on my birhtday and now won’t even talk to me, doesn’t want anything to do with me, not even an eventual friendship when we had so much in common. Am I wrong? Should I stop? How can someone turn it off like that? How does alcohol really affect personality changes, and what kind of brain damage/health risks are there? Please help!!!
Fact: Over time, alcohol abuse often leads to personality change and accumulating brain damage. It creates multiple health risks.
I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 13 years now. When we first got married he drank normally, having a few beers on the weekend. But then after my daughter was born, it turned into a 6 pack every night. After my son and different things causing stress, it has now turned into an 18 pack of beer every day. He is such a great father to my son and daughter and has a good job. He has called into work from time to time due to drinking too much the night before.
He will openly admit to me that he knows he has a problem and knows that if he doesn’t stop it will eventually kill him. He is 46 years old and it pains me to see him do this to himself. He has stopped at different times over the years but only to start back up again. He has never been physically violent with me, but over the past several years he has started to say mean things to me if he gets upset about something after he has actually drank enough that you can tell he is drunk. He does always apologize and seems to realize that he was out of line. Over the last couple years he has purchased several guns that he keeps in the house…this scares me also that he is going to be drunk one night and get in a fight with a neighbor or something and do something really stupid.
It has always seemed like the the good has always out weighed the bad. The drinking has always been his only major flaw. Reading peoples posts it does worry my now that if he continues down this path his personality and anger is going to increase. He also takes an antidepressant medication every day and I’m sure mixing the medication with the beer isn’t good for him either.
I’m only 34 years old and I’m getting fed up with watching him slowly kill himself every day. I’m afraid if I did decide to leave him it would only make the situation worse and he would drink even more…I’m just very frustrated…this wasn’t what I signed up for when I married him.
My husband and I have been together for 9 years, married 5. The first year of our relationship he would drink a lot but it was more social. As the years went by it kept getting worse. He started bar tending and started drinking on the job every day. Eventually, he got a 2nd DUI and that didn’t stop him. He kept drinking. This time around he would call me at 3 or 4 am almost every day to pick him up, he said he is being responsible. We would fight and I would go pick him up on a daily basis. 2 years later, another DUI, went to jail for a day, had to get a blower installed in his car. This time with the blower, he would time his alcohol consumption. He would call me for rides and me being a good wife, because of the guilt trip he would put on me, I would pick him up at 3, 4 or 5 in the morning, and I had to be up for work at 9 a.m. I just remember being so miserable and not understanding him every single day. He kept convincing me that he doesn’t have an issue, he works in a bar, and it’s normal. Well, this has been going on for years and nothing has changed. I would pick him up and he would get mad at me in the car for no reason, punch the windshield etc. I got fed up and threaten to leave him, we would make up, and now when he gets drunk, he says to me, “you left me”. We moved to NYC where he took a restaurant management job and the drinking got worse along with other things. He doesn’t sleep, doesn’t eat, just drinks and drinks and goes to work and wakes up and does the same thing every single day. He does have one day where he doesn’t drink, but he just sits on the couch and watches t.v. all day long. He doesn’t even walk or feed the dog while he is home. Every night now when he gets home (he takes the cab home now) he comes into the room and starts fights with me. I am just so fed up, yes I did leave him but I thought it would wake him up. He said it made it worse. Now he doesn’t trust me, and recently has admitted to being a functioning alcoholic and he thinks it is funny.
I am so confused, depressed and sad. I am watching him destroy himself and can’t do anything about it. Is it wrong for me to want better? I love him but he is hurting us. He thinks I am crazy and just want to start a fight with him, and there is nothing going on. Let’s go unwind have a cocktail, let’s talk over a cocktail; it’s always an excuse to drink. We don’t have any kids and he says a child will make him change. I used to think that, now I fear he won’t change and it is unfair to bring a child into the picture. He gets mad if I discuss his drinking with anyone. I am so fed up, it’s not okay for me to be pissed off almost every single day of my life. I deserve better than this because I am a great wife.
Looking back at all the times we spent together, it always involved him drinking or us on the couch watching tv, because it’s his recovery day. I always hear, “That’s it. I am done.” The next day, he is drinking all through the day at work again and it goes on for the next 6 days. Then its recovery day.
What did I do to deserve this? He is great when he is sober but that is only for a day. Why can’t I find the courage to say I deserve better and I don’t need this in my life? I am so weak for allowing him to manipulate me and the situation. I am so scared, we have a dog together and I know that if I leave him I would have to give up our dog. I keep telling my friends the same story every day, I think they are fed up with hearing it. They know he will just manipulate me into thinking that I am crazy and overreacting. I love him and want to help him at the same time, but just don’t know how.
Wow. I have been reading these stories this afternoon and I must say the saddest ones start with: ” I have been wih him for 24 years…or more”
To me, the scariest thing in the world is spending another year stuck….litening to lies, excuses and being blamed for his shortcomings as a human.
My husband became gravely I’ll due to his alcoholism, suffered a sever seizure with a self attempt at withdrawal, lost hi license, almost his job and still minimizes this as ” it was nothing”.
I also read today’s article on narcissism and realize this is him to a “T”!
I agreed to stay while he got well…unfortunately as is the case with narcissistic, self indulged alcoholics, they fail to recognize the harm they are causing others. He still drinks on occasion, lies about it, calls me names when confronted, tells me “it’s nothing and I’m crazy”.
He is correct, I am crazy for staying as long as I have and crazier for subjecting our little girl to all of the fighting.
So, with a happy, free heart, I am moving on…….something clicked and resonated….the only thing worse than denial is delay!
Quoting C Northcote Parkinson, “Delay is the deadliest form of denial.”
I’ve been married to a functioning alcoholic for 17 years now. We have 2 daughters who are 11 and 5. At first when we married he was a happy weekend drinker, at least I thought as much. He is the youngest of 7 children and comes from an enabling mother, an abusive father, and all but 2 of his siblings are alcoholics. Our marriage was based on strong passion and a deep friendship. Through the years we have fought over his drinking on and off. When our eldest daughter was 2, he wrecked his father’s truck while he was drinking. We acquired many debts due to his binge purchases and lack of responsibility. While I was pregnant with my second child, his drinking became a big issue. He was physically and mentally withdrawn from me. I needed him and his support during this time because it was a very difficult pregnancy. He drank a lot during this time as well. Sometimes a 12 pack of beer a night and a case a night on weekends.
My turning point…
I was pregnant during Katrina, we evacuated. I went to my mother’s with my eldest daughter. He went to his mother’s an hour away so he could drink and party it up under the radar without having me and my mother nagging him about his drinking. When I found out I was not to go into full labor and I needed a c section, I called him. I told him I was going to have a c section and I needed him to bring his mother over to my mother’s house to watch our daughter so he and my mother could be at the hospital with me. What does he do…He picks me up, leaves my mother and brings his mother to the hospital.
This is when I realized me and our daughters were not as important to him as his drinking. He was withdrawn and spent very little time with me and our daughters before we moved back to the coast. During this time, we acquired many debts. I always tried to be there for him even though I knew there was no hope. He lost his job and I had to give up college to go back to work to support our family. His drinking got even worse. He started drinking Vodka, lying to me about his purchases, spending his gas funds on alcohol. He would pass out regularly, sometimes during dinner with a plate in front of him.
I have even been to Al Anon meetings and brought him literature. He forgets little things like telling me things one day and telling me the same thing. I began to realize that the alcoholism was really ruining his mind when I couldn’t depend on him to even care for our children. I came home from work one night at 10:30pm to find him passed out on the couch, the girls running through the house like mad animals, unbathed and unfed. He thinks I can’t smell the vodka, but I can. He adamantly lies to me and tells me he isn’t drunk when he can’t even stand up. He makes me feel guilty if I go off and spend time with my friends. He always watches the money, hoards it from me while me and the girls do without. I recently found out he had returned a huge purchase back to a store where he got a cash refund instead of putting it back on the credit card he used. He didn’t tell me and spent the money on alcohol when we needed groceries and gifts for our daughter’s birthday presents. He gets mad at me when I got mad at him.
I am sick of his sloppy butt. I want to be gone and not dependent on him. He has ruined our marriage, he has ruined us financially because we just had our Bankruptcy discharged. I don’t leave because I don’t have any money saved and I don’t want my kids to do without. I don’t love him anymore, he messed that up on his on by pushing me away. This is so hard and none of my friends seem to understand what I am going through.
Hello, I have been married for 4 years now to a functional alcoholic. We have 5 kids ages 1 to 8. He works 6 days a week and at least 12 hours a day. He comes home from work and the first thing he does is open a beer. It is very hard for me because he is a wonderful man. After he opens his beer he starts cooking and cleaning. He cleans the entire kitchen, living room and dining room from the floors to the dishes He doesn’t do much with the kids but I can say that these three things are always done.
I feel like I am wrong sometimes because he tells me that he is doing what he has to do and that I should be grateful. He also tells me that I am supposed to stand by him through anything and that I shouldn’t be stressing him out by always bring up his problem. He tells me that he has many other problems that he needs to take care of first. He has a list of things that he wants to change about himself for our family before he has to worry about his drinking issue. ( which to him is not an issue) it is something he could stop at anytime.
I am afraid because his father was and still is an alcoholic. They have no relationship because of his dad’s addiction. He is alone and asks us for money all the time. We no longer speak to him and that kills my husband inside.
I can see him going down the same road as his dad and don’t want my kids to go through life seeing the constant drinking. I do not want them to grow up as functional alcoholics and resent him. I keep telling him that this will end our relationship if he doesn’t get help but he tells me I am wrong for saying that I would leave him. What am I supposed to do? Do I push him deeper into the drinking when I confront him? I need to get him to admit that it is a problem. I don’t want to see us separate over this but I don’t want to bring myself down over something that I have control over ..
Kathryn, I can relate to you! My husband is a successful business owner. I am as well. But I want to take care of our kids (2 boys) so my business comes 2nd. I am 42 and we have been togther about 15 yrs. We partied together at first with a group of friends. We moved away from a lot of those people as the partying got more serious. He always finds a neighbor to drink with. Like it’s ok cuz he’s not driving. They do shots. He is not an angry drunk or abusive. But in our daily life, he is sarcastic and exaggerates and blames and I now he lies and juggles his work day, living on the edge. It’s this constant feeling like the floor is going to fall out from under us. But he has taken care of us for so long, he thinks I should ‘have faith in him’. He knows he shouldn’t drink so much. He knows the boys are aware. I am not hard on him because I drink sometimes too. But I have some wine or meet girlfriends. I just never got the same kind of buz from alcohol as he does. It’s just calories to me. So, I guess my complaint is that over time, we are not thriving. We are ok. He has no ambition or goals. He never wants to go anywhere or try new things and neither do the kids. I think he would be a different and outgoing person without alcohol. But he doesn’t want to be. He is happy the way things are. It’s going to take me putting my foot down and I resent that. I have weighed out the consequences and I will not threaten divorce. I analyze this to death and I deserve better. My life was a mess at times and I’ve been with worse men. Everything is ok, but I live with this fear that something is going to happen. I question my judgement. I am depression. I worry a lot. He has slowly sucked the life out of me. I can’t quite let my guard down like someone said above. I’m tired but grateful at the same time that my kids and I are ok. Overall, I have lost respect for him and that is a marital problem. I don’t want my boys to pick up his alcoholic behaviors. I don’t have the energy to take this on. Status quo is easier. The mystery of the functioning alcoholic. He’s not that bad! Why stir things up? What if I’m wrong or overreacting. Could I do more damage than good? Can I quit drinking and completely avoid all our friends?
I’ve been with a functioning alcoholic for 7 years. In fact, he’s so “functioning” (and deceptive) that I didn’t even know he had a problem until he left us 6 months ago after I accidentally discovered his secret stash. Over the years, he went from drinking a few beers daily to wine (because it was “healthier”) to liquor (that he said he didn’t like). I had caught him sneaking bottles into the house several times but he vehemently denied it and I didn’t think that walking up to him and grabbing the bottle from behind his back to humiliate him and prove my point would have yielded any good results so I let it be. He has repeatedly cheated and lied to me in the last 3 years and yet I stayed because I don’t take the commitment that I made to him in marriage lightly. He said his actions were that of a man who was unhappy and he has been carrying around deep seated anger from a “dysfunctional upbringing” (his words) and he needed to comes to terms with that ALONE before we could have a better life as a family. He doesn’t even know exactly where his anger is coming from because it’s that repressed but certain triggering events (he doesn’t know what those are either) make his anger “come to the surface”. I gave him room and waited for him to come to terms with his past and it never happened and this time, he left because he said he would “feel obligated” to help me with our child if he stayed with us and he needed to focus on himself. Well, focus on himself, he did! He’s the most selfish, self-absorbed, entitled, narcissistic, self-righteous person that I have ever met!!
When I discovered his stash, my initial reaction was “he lied to me AGAIN!”, and yet HE was the one that broke out into a rage and left. I was stunned, to say the least, but I guess I shouldn’t have been. I could have never been prepared for what would follow in the next few months. He was emotionally absent (unless anger was the emotion that was called for) in recent years so I was very lonely but he was never abusive. Well, now he’s very abusive, verbally and emotionally. He calls me horrible names and then laughs at me when I cry and says it’s my fault for taking it personally and that no one can make me feel anything…I’ve chosen to be upset. He says he’s angry (rage is more like it) that I’m angry that he pretty much left us without any consideration for our needs and that he still has no answers for why he left (remember, that “deep seated anger” that gets in the way of our family?!). He says it’s not things that happen to me (him leaving us) that causes stress in my life but the expectations that I have that get broken that do (so, expecting a spouse to be faithful, honest, and to treat me as an equal in marriage was my mistake?). If I get upset about something he says, he tells me to repeat what he says verbatim (which I think is pretty abusive and belittling in itself) and if I even get 1 word wrong, then he yells and screams about how I distort his words and anything that I construe as being mean is not really that…it’s just my misinterpretation of his words or me deliberately twisting things around so that he looks like the bad person (again, me making myself miserable, through auditory hallucinations this time). Well…to me, it seems like that’s exactly what he’s doing!
Apparently, I’m to blame for everything but ironically, not for anything I did during the marriage. His explanations for how / what I’m feeling puts all the blame on me and takes any responsibility and accountability away from him. I had been eager to hear what it was that I did or said to make him so miserable in our time together so I could apologize and make amends as necessary but he hasn’t come up with anything. Instead of just the anger and sadness that I felt over him leaving us, I now have feelings of deep resentment for his blaming me for things that have nothing to do with our marriage OR me, for that matter. He has a way with rationalizing the irrational and somehow making absurd things sound like they’re plausible. I’m sober as can be, yet he manages to make me feel like I’m drunk and confused. He makes things so crazy that I start questioning my own sanity. After 3 months of constant verbal and emotional abuse and 1 physical threat (that alone was enough for me!), I couldn’t take it any longer and decided that if I stayed, he would destroy my self-esteem. Deep down, I knew that the things he was saying were “my fault” were really not, but hearing it over and over in different contexts and seeing the “fault list” grow on a daily basis was wearing on me fast. Fortunately, he works full-time but I don’t even get a penny from him so I don’t depend on him financially. I don’t need someone in my life just so that I have “company” when he feels like being present and I certainly know that abuse has no role in my marriage or our child’s life.
I retained an attorney 2 weeks ago and she’s drafting a separation agreement. Of course, he reminds me it’s me (again!) that’s breaking our marriage vows by taking the step. He’s stepped up the “games” even more although he was agreeable (I even confirmed with him the day before) to the separation agreement. Heck, he was the one that left in the first place so why he is making an already miserable process worse? Judging from his actions in the last 6 months, I think he’d be ecstatic that I was the one that took the legal step but he’s not? I guess it’s a no win situation for me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. There is a young child in the picture so I’m taking what I feel are necessary steps to best protect her future and my own but I see he’s not going to make it easy. Waiting until he’s ready to come back to us (he even said maybe he won’t ever!) is not a viable option, especially when it’s quite apparent that he has only gotten worse, not better.
The alcoholic never initiates the divorce. If he did, he couldn’t claim to be the victim.
Thank you for this site! I just had one of the worst nights of my marriage yesterday. My husband is a high functioning alcoholic…he loves his beer. He starts drinking in the afternoons on every weekend day because you’re ‘not an alcoholic’ if you don’t start before noon. We planned to take my nephew to some car races last night. My sister is always very worried about who is driving and what the environment will be like and rightfully so, we had her child with us. My husband continued to drink when we got to the event, buying the beers 2 at a time. My nephew kept count, telling me how many emptys were stacked underneath our seats. This is nothing new for me, if we try to go out and enjoy anything, I already know we have to budget for ‘him’ to drink. Makes anything we do super expensive.
The problem started when we dropped my nephew off at home. His little sister who is 5, came up to my husband and asked him how many beers he had to drink and if he was driving…she didn’t know what she was doing, but it set my husband off. He held it in while we were at their house, but when we got in the vehicle, he argued with me about he was going to drive and I was insistent that I would. That is what started the argument on the drive home….he was adamant that he was SOBER enough to drive…kept going on and on about it. Even with me telling him I am sober, I didn’t drink all night. He then started into me about how I need to visit with my sister and tell her to quit talking to her young kids about his drinking. Its none of their business he said and that a 5 yr old shouldn’t be asking him about how much has drank. Problem is, I don’t think I need to have that talk with my sister. She sees the problem. I am not sure I agree with her talking to her kids about it as they are quite young. But why do I have to stick up for him when he is a drunk and is always drinking around them.
We ended our night by coming home and getting into more of a discussion/argument about each of our families. He likes to tell me that my family is so much better than him. That we know everything…this is all in a condescending manner. He doesn’t want to even be around anybody who wants to call him out on his drinking. His family doesn’t even communicate with him, unless they need him to help with something, as they know what they are getting into….its all so exhausting…I hate the weekends, cause its all about the beer all weekend long. Beer and the TV…I want our life to be more than this…I starting reading some of the threads on this site and was crying, so I felt compelled to write. I have been with my husband for 3 yrs, 2 yrs of dating and married now for almost 9 months.
Your husband is putting more than his own life at risk by drinking and driving. Do you wait till someone dies; perhaps your niece or your neighbor? A man who “didn’t have a problem” killed my mother. Could you live with that?
I have been scanning all the posts and my situation seems similar …. yet different. I need advice! I have been with my husband for for 33 years (married 28 years). We are in our early 50′s now. We have always been extremely social people. My husband was very athletic and involved in a lot of sports activities. There was always beer around. We both enjoyed having a few drinks … but he always was (and still is) able to drink an enoumous amount. We also live in a very social neighborhood and there are always drinks at every get together. About 10-12 years ago my husband had a knee surgery that went wrong. He contracted a staff infection, had 3 additional surgeries and has never been able to run again. This ended his sports activities and I feel began a depression for him. The beer drinking escalated. He was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy and is barely able to walk and he is losing feeling in his hands as well. He has also been diagnosed with diabetes and does nothing to take care of it. We have lost most of our circle of friends because they don’t want to deal with him. He has been totally abandoned by his entire family (parents, brother, sisters, nieces, nephews) and recently had to sell the business he owned with his brother. My husband’s excuse for selling the business is that he cannot work because of the neuropathy. I feel his brother has had enough of trying to run the business on his own because my husband would go to work in the morning — then head to the bar for the rest of the day. In reality, I can’t really blame my brother-in-law for wanting him out. My husband now considers himself retired. He goes to a bar 7 days a week by 11am and comes home around 6-7pm. Sometimes he is really drunk — other times he seems what I’ll call ‘acceptable’ (if there is such a thing). He calls me or one of our daughters for a ride occassionally. He is having difficulty remembering things and many conversations make absolutely no sense at all. There is no physical violence but he does become mouthy occassionally. He desperately needs help! I am considering moving out of our home. I told him again this week that I do not want to divorce him, but I feel that he needs something to wake him up. I have begged him to get help for his alcolohism and he does not think he has a problem. I am wondering if I move out and tell him that I am willing to return if I see that he has gotten help will be the right thing to do? I may have done so sooner but our grown daughter’s are still dependent on us financially (for several reasons). I work full-time and most of my pay goes toward their expenses. If I leave I know that my husband will cut off any financial support and I don’t know how my daughter’s will be able to meet their expenses. Any advice would be really appreciated.
.well hi, I have been with my husband for nearly 10 years…he is an alcoholic. he always has been. I didnt see it.
Why didnt i see the signs?..when we first met he would always turn up with atleast a six pack..we went out on dates where there was alcohol..am i stupid?!!..I am his 4th relationship, the others left after a few years aswell. but they didnt have children to him. ok so how bad is he?…pretty damn bad, im living with my own real life jekyl and hyde. And it sux!…he drinks as soon as he can..always beer.. he leaves for work at 6am, with his little esky with a six pack in it..and i know for a fact he drinks from the moment he gets through town as my daughter was with him once and he cracked a beer..it was 7am..ive been to work with him..he drinks on the job..he drinks all day..he has lunch at the pubs, gets more at the drive thru on the way out and more on his way home…rarly he has come home pretty sober..but of course he wouldve had something..but then theres the times when he reeks of a brewery, has a strange look in his eye, a different tone in his voice that signals to us, “just dont answer back, do as your told,”.
he becomes sarcastic, narky, snappy at kids, insinuates stuff towards me…and worse of all is he is an arseholoe to my eldest son from a previous relationship,(also have a daughter from previous relationship who he is fine with and also 4 together) calls him a *****, has yelled in his face, threatened to “knock him out”..and recently kicked him because he wouldnt answer him…I have got between my children and him before so he wouldnt hurt them and admit that recently i have told him that if he lays a hand on them i will knock him out, thats if he can get through me first…he laughs..Im not scared of him anymore..i used to be..but not anymore..In the past about 5 years ago he went through a really bad phase..he would shove me against the wall when i was pregnant and threaten to punch me..he has pushed me down a few times and this one night he held a beer bottle above my head and was threatining to hit me with it..with my kids right there, he then wanted my ring off my finger and was bending my finger saying he could snap it if he wanted to..he then yelled that i probably enjoyed the sexual assault i experienced as a child..well the cops were called, he had a dv order placed on him and i was leaving..then he promised to change, he cryed, he stopped drinking as much..i stayed.also by now he had 7 drink driving charges.
And now here i am..over the last 4 years he has had episodes of being psychotic, he has slowly got worse and im watching him get worse, i dont want to sleep with him, and now he acuses me of having an affair..im not like that.he is an arse to my son again, he is an arse in his words to me and is even jelous of me talking to friends on the phone and has accused me of “talking to my boyfriends”….we are talking about a one minute time frame of texting my friend about her sick son..unbelievable!…we walk on eggshells, i warn the kids if i know he is in a mood and tell them to just do as they are told and not fight or be silly..i find myself hoping he will just die… and that makes me hate myself for feeling that…I want to leave..but then theres the times when he has only had a couple o beers…and he is ok.( this is usually in the mornings).he is nice. loving.. nice with kids..etc..omg..how do i get off this bloody roundabout!? How do you look a resonably sober man in the eyes, when he is nice, and say ” btw im leaving”..I just dont know what else to do.last night was another night of hurtfull comments..like the fact my older two are proof i had sex with someone else before i met him, oh and he is going to look somewhere else for sex now as im not doing my duty in that area..i even said that the way he treats me and the kids is a turnoff..he had a f^& everyone attitude lastnight..even rang my sister and said she isnt welcome here to stay as he doesnt want to put up with her kids..not that he is here anyway.!..oh and the biggest one being that I have no idea what work is like and i was a slut before i met him as its obvious because of my older children..and he said that if i think he is a cranky arsehole then id better look out as he is going to show me what that is..i asked if he was threatning me..he said i should grow up!..im lost..he loves his own kids, he loves me..or does he..or does he just “own” me as i cant talk to anyone else…..far out..someone please take me away
Thank you so much – I have found this site and comments so helpful. My husband of 6 years is an alcoholic. A month ago I threw him out for a multiple of reasons, all stemming from his drinking. He has been unemployed for 5 years and has been unable to get a job due to criminal convictions (drink driving) and 6 weeks ago he drove drunk again, and crashed into another vehicle. The day before this happened he assaulted my father. As a result of both he is looking at a custodial sentence. He is a nasty, psychologically abusive drunk and like so many others who have commented above I just retreated behind emotional walls to protect myself. He’s also been depressed since being out of work and the cherry, on the frosting, on the cake an affair I discovered.
I can really empathise with those who say they love yet hate their spouse. I have swung between loathing and caring so many times but I suddenly realised that being single is far better than being miserable with someone who will never change. I don’t quite understand why I was prepared to put up with an abusive, drunk of a husband for so long? Which ultimately lead me to this site. It was my dirty little secret and I was determined to make my marriage work and not become another divorce statistic. Admitting I’d made a mistake was tough, but it wasn’t the end of the world. In fact it now feels like the beginning of a new, brighter one.
He is now getting help for his alcoholism, but it’s too little too late. Even though he admits he’s decreased his drinking by 80% he is still drinking 3-4 times a week (1-2 beers) and only once a week he will drink to get drunk.
I’m so blessed to be financially secure and have no children because it’s meant that I was able to follow what my heart and intuition have been screaming at me for so long. Talking about some of the things that happened while he drank has been really therapeutic as it’s helped me realise that this is not what a healthy, happy marriage looks like. I had reset my normal, which included a drunken spouse. Happiness, respect, laughter, fun, companionship, affection, trust and love should be the norm…not the exception.
Leaving a marriage is heart breaking, but living with someone with alcohol addiction is just as lonely. Be strong, put yourself first and live the life you want…not the one you hope will happen IF sobriety ever occurs.
Hello Every One, I have been with my husband three years–he is a drunk. It’s New Years Eve and I am alone. He’s drunk again and I can’t bare it any longer.
I don’t know were to go from here; he caused another row. Please someone what do I do? I want to leave him my love is dieing. I would have to disappear as he would not leave me alone. I don’t know what I am doing with him. I am on my own at night. He is always asleep before 8pm. All my friends are fed up with hearing about him. He is always nice to everyone but me. Help please
Hello, I have been married to a functioning alcoholic for 17 years. Recently it’s now affecting our business. I do think he is trying to sabotage it so he doesn’t have to work anymore. He just wants to stay home and lay around all day recouping from the previous night of heavy drinking. He is extremely verbally abusive, telling me he hates me and wishes I was dead. The next day apologizing for it. He treats our daughter the same way but not our son.
He came from a family that looks down upon women. He is one of twelve children. Both parents were alcoholics and 6 out of the children. My kids have told me to leave him many times. I do not want to try to fix it anymore I just want out but don’t know how to do it. I know he will become enraged. I have a difficult situation because we own our business together. I have secretly been looking for a job to get out but to no avail or ones that come through is not enough to support my children and myself. There is no fixing this like I said the verbal abuse is debilitating, getting screamed at 6 out of 7 days has to stop, he has threatened divorce and to leave but has not. Any advice would help.
Thank You
I am 30 years old and have been married for 2 and a half years. I’ve never known an alcoholic. I met my husband when he was fresh out of rehab for a pill addiction. We were both 26. He didn’t drink a drop for the first year we dated. I’d never been so happy with anyone before. He slowly started drinking once a month, twice a month, etc. I still didn’t see it as a problem. I didn’t know better. He wasn’t an angry or mean drunk. I truly thought he had a handle on it.
About 6 months into our marriage I became pregnant. We lost our daughter during pregnancy. I was a wreck. And he was not there for me emotionally. I don’t know if the drinking got worse during that time or if my eyes were opened.
We went to counseling. He went to AA. I thought things were looking up but then we got pregnant again and just a few weeks into it his drinking picked back up. We lost our second daughter during pregnancy too. To say I’m heartbroken would be an understatement. Back to counseling, back to AA. Things seem better for a while.
Two months ago, I’m embarrassed to say we became pregnant again despite the heavy drinking. I had an ectopic pregnancy and lost my right Fallopian tube. I feel broken, worthless. He doesn’t help. I get literally enraged with him when he drinks now. I yell and scream. I throw things. I’m so angry for how my life has turned out. I’m married but alone. I’m a mother but not.
We never have sex. Ever. I’ve gained 30 pounds since we were married. He told me one night while drunk that he just isn’t attracted to me anymore. I know the extra weight is from depression. How could I not be depressed after all that I’ve been through. I feel like he has ruined my life. I don’t believe in divorce. I mean I believe in it but I also believe I made a promise to God and while I could legally divorce him and leave, I don’t believe that a second marriage is morally right. So I feel trapped. I can’t bear the thought of not being a mother to a living child one day but know that with him it can never happen so long as he is drinking. I don’t want to be single either. I’m just torn.
How am I supposed to find happiness?
Dr. Neill appreciates your comments and how you all help one another! He is very grateful to provide this forum and all the feedback he receives! His heart goes out to each one of you. However, Dr. Neill is not able to give advice in this public forum. If you need his help, please refer to his consultations page: http://www.neillneill.com/consultations. He uses Skype or telephone to make consulting more convenient.
I recognise so much of my own feelings in these stories. The anger, feeling crazy, the depression, the futility. We split up after six years of drip drip hell. I ask myself why I stayed and it was in the hope of getting back the man I fell in love with who said he wanted no more lies or affairs. He said he was a functioning alcoholic when I was three months pregnant. I suspected till then. He would berate me for hours till i was in tears . He has been physically abusive on two occasions, but mostly menacing in his behaviour and emotionally abusive.
He is a successful actor and director and very good with his stories. I feel like I have no power to defend myself because of the lies he has circulated about me, that I am mentally ill, that I am the abuser. An abuser for what? For complaining about his drinking and asking him to leave his drinking and the lifestyle and the smiles and surface for something real and precious. He has no respect for anything. My child is nearly four and because of that one stupid hope I had that he would give up drinking and be the kind loving man I knew. His family and friends dazed by his celebrity enable his drinking and swallow his stories even though I have never had a bad word with them.
I discovered his use of hardcore pornography and seeing prostitutes in each city he worked from Internet trails on his laptop. Then the affairs and meeting women in bars and clubs and not telling me. No phone calls home. I couldn’t see it stopping, any of it. I couldn’t see his drinking stopping and then I realised the power of alcohol is too strong for me, stronger than me. At one point I visited my doctor and literally begged her to refer me to a psychiatrist, she reluctantly did and I was told there’s nothing wrong with me but it sounds like he’s an “alcoholic pressing my buttons”, and that I suffer reactive depression because of the situation.
So much else happened where he put my daughter in a very vulnerable situation and his other kids too when he went drinking and left his other kids alone in a hotel room. I don’t want this for my life, this uncaring pointless drinking life or to sacrifice precious things like culture and heritage for this. Do I want my child to think this is normal? That’s why I would not let go of the abuse or the infidelities and confronted him with it, also I feared being a doormat otherwise.
Am I happy now, seven months on? My hearts broken and he has said he loves me and has no girlfriends. But then backtracks on why he said it. I still have this stubborn hope that he will change . In the meantime I dream of a little house for me and my kids where we can be at peace, though I know he will not stop bothering us and will steal my peace of mind using access to my child as the reason; even though he walked out on us multiple times without so much as a backward glance. But I recognise these stories in myself, I know I’m not crazy , I know I have a right to be treated with love and respect. Something I would never have understood or got living with him.
I’ve been with my husband for 6 years. We married 2 years ago. When my husband and I got married I knew he had some issues with abusing medications and alcohol. However, I didn’t know exactly how serious they were. Mainly because I wasn’t around to witness or find anything. Eventually when we moved in together I noticed the medication and alcohol abuse increasing. As for him I’m not too sure if he knew how serious his abuse was then either. He said he did what he did because he couldn’t sleep. Mainly because of stress, and consequences of shift work. He said he would be “fine” once he catches up. At that time after really looking at his stressors both him and I felt that his substance abuse streamed from his stress at work and housing properties. He was a shift worker that was over working himself (16 hour shifts) on a daily basis. Why? Because he had several rental properties to maintain financially. So we sold almost all his properties (we now have 3 including our own house). As for work, a physician has put him on disability for the reasons of inability to cope appropriately. He’s a nurse so showing up intoxicated puts everyone in danger. Unfortunately, these “solutions” has not helped my husband feel he has less stress. He now feels that he has lost and given up a lot of what he worked hard for, and feels ashamed he is not the “bread winner” and does not have a job. So he has gone back to medication and alcohol abuse.
Because my husband is a nurse he has certain advantages and disadvantages. He is able to recognize that he needs help to a certain degree. He knew if he continued to go to work in the state he was in he would not be able to work as a nurse in the future. So he reached out to a psychiatrist he worked with and has seen him in his twenties (let me elaborate on this issue after). The disadvantages include he thinks he’s smarter than everyone else and he can handle his abuse in the way he wants to. This means he manipulates counselors, physicians, nurses and every other professional that has to deal with him. So when he has to go to the hospital because of an overdose he knows what to do and say when he’s sober to get discharged or out of his mental health act forms. Also because he knows some of the professionals he is ashamed to go to AA meetings and rehab facilities afraid to run into someone he knows. I know.. they sound just like excuses right? But really may be I don’t understand the level of embarrassment he feels. I mean.. that’s why I’m typing here my problems instead of telling my friends and family right? and I’m telling my story here and ow because I really feel like the people commenting here understand what I’m going through.
There’s an even more complicated background to my husband. At a young age he was sexually abused by his cousin. It was so horrible for him he attempted suicide in his early twenties. The physician that put him off work is actually the same psychiatrist that saw him in his early twenties. The psychiatrist has also diagnosed him with dissociative personality. Because of his abusive childhood I’ve been told that my husband was using dissociation as a form of coping ever since he was young. This means under certain “conditions” my husband becomes his other half. This other half he turns in to is capable of saying and doing things that are unpredictable. And of course he can’t remember them. The psychiatrist claims that alcohol brings out the dissociation. I’m sure to a lot of you the “other half” just sounds like a drunk. Which is what I have a big issue in differentiating. Is it his other personality? or just alcohol?
During the last two years we have gone through several hospitalizations and run in with the law. Yes, all in his “dissociative” state. But all his blood alcohol levels come back positive. He has also had encounters with the police where they certify him and have charged him with DUI etc. Every time my husband sobers up he realizes his mistakes. And tells me how he will try to stop drinking. It’s been like that for the last two years.
I have the same feelings as a lot of you that have left their comments here. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend and that I don’t have a husband. I’m exhausted coming home because I’m a nurse as well. I come home after taking care of patients with different issues including long-term alcohol abuse to a husband that I fear will end up like my patients. And yes, my husband dealt with alcohol abusive patients in his line of duty too. We don’t have sex anymore and I feel myself pushing myself away from him because I don’t want to be disappointed again. I’ve convinced myself to stand up for myself but I don’t necessarily always do it in a positive way. For example, if I find him at home intoxicated I yell at him during his episode, and after when he sobers. I know it doesn’t make a difference anyways but it’s better than being my old naive self that looked the other way… right? Honestly, I know it’s true. I don’t deal with it always in a positive light or effectively. I scream, I cry, I yell, I try to drag him out of the house (sometimes he’s drinking and cooking so I try to get him to leave through the back). I hate the smell of alcohol. I don’t even drink when I’m out with my friends because I feel like I’m a hypocrite.
All of the professional help I’ve seeked have said the same thing. Counselors have told me we can’t work on our marriage until he addresses his dissociation because it is not realistic to have him deal with an addiction and mental issues simultaneously. It is hard enough for a “regular” person to deal with addiction but someone who has doesn’t have the greatest mental health isn’t going to be able to deal with both issues. The psychiatrist have told me that my husband needs to agree to go to a group or rehab program and want to change in order to overcome his addiction so I need to wait.
I have such mixed emotions with my husband. With his drinking several liters of vodka a day I don’t recognize him anymore. I love him and I don’t. I hate who he has become and how our relationship has been deteriorating. I hate going back and forth in my mind of who is “responsible” for the deterioration because he’s the one drinking but marriage takes two right? I told him that I hate who I’ve become now because I’m so angry and anxious.
My husband tells me he loves me. Actually even in his drunken state he always tells me he does and that I’m not the problem. But at the same time he says the way I treat him is like a mother to a son and he hates that. But how can someone who is abusing alcohol take care of himself, be trusted? I don’t want a “son”, I want a husband. I’ve told him he needs to tell me and understand that one day I want my own family and I don’t know if he’s capable of being trustworthy. He’s lied so many times about his substance abuse. I’m just so tired. Really really tired. I have to deal with all the finances because if he has a cent he will spend it on liquor. I have to drive him around because he got his DUI (although he knows I’m tired so he’s willing to take a bus). He says he knows he has a problem (but thinks I over exaggerate them when the doc asks me about how much he’s drank, what has happened in the last week). He tells me right now he’s in the worst mental state he’s ever been. He said he’s never hated himself so much or his life. He also tells me that he’s never been this sloppy with his hygiene and around the house. He tries in his own way to change and make a difference but it’s taking a long time. I know change doesn’t happen over night as much as I’d like it to. Even if he wants to stop it isn’t that easy. How long do I give him? He has been going to AADAC (he started a week ago) to show that he’s trying to change. He also says he really wants to go back to work. He feels that if he was working he would have some kind of purpose but is aware that his psychiatrist refuses to put him back to work anytime soon. This also causes financial stress on both of us.
I’m having difficulty right now knowing how much time he needs. If it’s possible he can make a commitment to not drink and if we will be able to have our own family. He wanted to have a family once before and he says he’s hoping to one day when he’s more stable. I can even tell right now from my passage my mind is going back and forth. I contemplate everything. I go back and forth. I feel like I know he has problems and I hate what’s happening but at the same time I defend him here and there. Why I don’t think AADAC will necessarily help is because he went to rehab before. But they “kicked him out” because he wasn’t participating in the groups and they felt he wasn’t ready for rehab and he was in denial. I guess I have just been let down so many times I am lost in what I should do and believe. I don’t even know what I want really.. if I want to leave or stay. Am I just impatient?