Did you know that Christmas time ranks just below finances at the top of the list of what people find stressful and worrisome? Yes, Christmas has a dark side as well as a bright side. Where are you on the continuum between joy and dread at Christmas? Or are you all over the map?

For some Christmas is a time of joy, of family reunions, of generosity, of friendship, of gleeful children, of Christmas lights and of celebration. But for others Christmas is a dreaded time of pain, sadness or loneliness.

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I was recently participating in a workshop where everyone in the room was learning something new, tackling tough questions and new approaches, and facing mountains of additional work.

I looked around the room and saw men and women who were exuding happiness. It was hard to find anyone who was unhappy.

I reflected on why everyone, including me, was so happy, and just what happiness is anyway. This is practical psychology at its best.

My ex use to plead, “All I want is for you to be happy!”

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Dr. Neill Neill

You are invited to take some time to reflect further on love and marriage, particularly on keeping, restoring and renewing love… Recall that my last article was "Healthy Marriage: Some Advice about the Five Conditions of a Lasting Healthy Marriage."

The five conditions were

Look after yourself first…do not merge your identities…enjoy the show…never stop doing things together for fun and laughter…if you want more excitement, take up skiing…

Can you think of four more renewal factors for a strong marriage?

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Most men in the 40 to 55 age range will experience a period of emotional difficulty at some point. A minority will reach that point before 40 or after 55.

They typically go through it privately, but if it becomes visible, it is sometimes called a mid-life crisis. They may feel unhappy or anxious, or feel stuck in an unsatisfying marriage. They may be troubled by physical problems such as, high blood pressure, heart problems or insomnia. They may be spending or drinking compulsively.

Regardless of the set of symptoms each presents, they are unanimous in their feeling that something is not quite right in their lives.

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Dr. Neill Neill

The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…

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Dr. Neill Neill

Many marriages start off as good marriages, but over time turn stale or even hostile.  At any given time huge numbers of couples are searching for ways to get their once healthy marriages back on track. There are five necessary conditions or factors which together can help you maintain (or rebuild) a strong, healthy marriage.

If you were to delve, you would probably find that virtually every troubled couple has neglected one or more of these key conditions. Of course, there are other things that can mess up a marriage, but neglect the following at your peril.

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He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.

Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…

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By Neill Neill, Ph.D.

We all know people who bully their way through life. Through bluster and intimidation they get what they want at the expense of other people.

This column is not about schoolyard bullying. It’s about the models we provide to our children who then become bullies or their victims.

The bullies in adult life are the bosses who exude the message "My way or the highway." They are the men and women who hijack a committee by jockeying themselves into the position of chairperson, and then through force of position and personality, get the committee to endorse what they want. Your choice is to go along with them or resign.

Bullying is the antithesis of leadership. The leader inspires people to bring out their best while pursuing a common goal. The bully intimidates. The leader has a high respect for others. The bully respects no one, except, of course, a bigger bully.

We find bullying in the workplace, in government, in places of religion in education and in the family. Our children are exposed to these models every day.

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Dr. Neill Neill

I recently read a touching post from an internet friend and artist, Janine. Thank you, Janine, for baring your soul and inspiring me to write this post.

Janine paints beautiful abstracts and is also an excellent photographer. She displayed her work at a craft fair and sold only two small pieces, and those to a fellow exhibitor. She is passionate about her work, but she lost money on the show.

Janine has some medical problems which limit her ability to pursue regular work. That, combined with the craft fair failure, led her to say,

"I feel such a failure as a human being… At the moment I am fighting doubts about what I am doing and have a sense of continued failure."

Janine, you are not unique in your struggle with disappointment and the absence of external validation for what you do. In fact, it is the core problem that most of my clients have when they come to me for help.

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