There have been some deeply personal things going on in my life that during the past few weeks have made me feel at times like my life is on hold.
My son is gravely ill.
My firstborn son, Richard, is gravely ill at age 41. He’s in the capable loving care of his wife, Tracey. He is receiving excellent daily palliative care from an outside support team. But he lives 3000 miles from where I live.
My wife Eileen and I visited him in early October when it appeared he had only days to live. He has rallied somewhat, and I’m planning another trip within the next two weeks. At this point he thinks he will make it until my next visit.
And that is why I have this feeling of being on hold.
Choosing well is the foundation for a good marriage. Yet choosing is one of the most neglected pieces of the process of meeting, bonding, marrying, living life together and possibly having children. Choose well: the good and bad outcomes of your choice will shape your life, whether a first or second marriage, a Christian marriage, a common-law marriage, a mixed-race marriage or a same-sex marriage.
1. Can you accept each other as you are, warts and all? You can’t change another person and you have absolutely no right to try to change your spouse. At the same time don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.
This in no way means that you have to be the same. Acceptance of yourself and each other can accommodate wide differences between you.
Acceptance is the most basic issue. If you can’t accept the reality of each other, walk.
On October 23 I posted A Hard Personal Lesson in Acceptance , in which I explained that my son Richard is dying and I’m getting a difficult lesson.
Two weeks have passed and I have spent the last two days with Richard. He requires a lot more pain medication now. He has deteriorated considerably in the past month. He was frail but mentally sharp a month ago. Yesterday he was fragile, but mentally absent much of the time. Fortunately, the absences were punctuated by periods of lucidity.
My son Colin died less than four weeks ago. Actually Colin was my stepson, but we had been in each other’s lives since he was 11, and he introduced me to hospital staff as "my dad"…he was my son. His memorial service is the day after tomorrow.
Colin had been very ill in hospital since mid February. He had an infection around his heart, and his heart suddenly gave out. The nurse who was with him said he started to have difficulty breathing and he was gone in seconds.
If you had known Colin, you would remember his charm and good humor. He could light up a room with his presence.
You might also have been exposed to his generosity and compassion.
The ability to accept the flow of life without judgment is one of the secret ingredients to happiness. Acceptance does not mean that you have to like what you see, but denying reality never brings happiness to you or your community.
One of the realities we all need to practice accepting is that each generation is a little different from the generations that preceded it. The process is the same in every culture, no matter how much those in charge would like it to be otherwise. My stories below are from my own culture; make up your own if you are from a different culture
I am disappointed when I see or hear of someone being unable to accept the normal behaviour of a generation behind them. Then I get really irked when an establishment or service provider or government official goes along with the intolerance.
One of my stepsons is gravely ill in hospital, and the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for him and the entire family. He has been my son since he was 11; he just turned 40. This is a personal story of grief, love, anger, acceptance and gratefulness.
He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.
Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…
You have been married and under the same roof for 27 years. For most of that time things have been good, but the last few years have been punctuated with verbal attacks, blaming, criticizing and justifying on both sides. How do you go about rebuilding your marriage?
You now have separate bedrooms and sometimes go for days without interacting. The underlying atmosphere is so thick with resentment you could cut it with a knife.
Neither of you wants the marriage to end, but when you interact, the sparks fly. Your friends say divorce is the only answer.
For many people the holidays involve quite a bit of food and beverage intake in the celebrations; yes, even excess. Then in January diets abound and gym memberships surge.
In our family, typically, everyone would eat too much in December and gain a few unwanted pounds. Then, come the New Year, the list of New Year’s resolutions would include losing weight through some form of diet and fitness program.
Grief is an emotion we all will experience at some point in life. The loss through death of someone near to us is an inevitable part of life. Intellectually, we all get this truth, but experientially, it takes some of us a long time to get the lesson.
My oldest daughter, the mother of my first grandchild and the grandmother of my two great grandchildren, died suddenly three weeks ago in Ontario.
Is it possible to have a marriage relationship unpolluted by criticism?
Answer: Yes.
Could a relationship without criticism be healthy?
Answer: Yes. (One of them would not have to be dead, as an uncle suggested to me when I was entering my first adult relationship.)
Could you express your emotions and strongly disagree about something and yet still not criticize?
Answer: Yes.
The Upward Spiral of Communion
When you first meet someone, you talk, you get to know each other, you find you like each other, and you both want to talk more. Communication, knowledge and affection lead to a deep connection between you, so I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level. There can be no criticism.
If he or she were to criticize you early in your relationship, it would break the connection and you would part. If you were to feel critical, you would just leave with a silent "I don’t need this."
My son Colin died less than four weeks ago. Actually Colin was my stepson, but we had been in each other’s lives since he was 11, and he introduced me to hospital staff as "my dad"…he was my son. His memorial service is the day after tomorrow.
One of my stepsons is gravely ill in hospital, and the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for him and the entire family. He has been my son since he was 11; he just turned 40. This is a personal story of grief, love, anger, acceptance and gratefulness.
Dr. Neill Neill
Dr. Neill Neill
