There have been some deeply personal things going on in my life that during the past few weeks have made me feel at times like my life is on hold.
My son is gravely ill.
My firstborn son, Richard, is gravely ill at age 41. He’s in the capable loving care of his wife, Tracey. He is receiving excellent daily palliative care from an outside support team. But he lives 3000 miles from where I live.
My wife Eileen and I visited him in early October when it appeared he had only days to live. He has rallied somewhat, and I’m planning another trip within the next two weeks. At this point he thinks he will make it until my next visit.
And that is why I have this feeling of being on hold.
Choosing well is the foundation for a good marriage. Yet choosing is one of the most neglected pieces of the process of meeting, bonding, marrying, living life together and possibly having children. Choose well: the good and bad outcomes of your choice will shape your life, whether a first or second marriage, a Christian marriage, a common-law marriage, a mixed-race marriage or a same-sex marriage.
1. Can you accept each other as you are, warts and all? You can’t change another person and you have absolutely no right to try to change your spouse. At the same time don’t promise to change if your potential partner can’t accept you as you are.
This in no way means that you have to be the same. Acceptance of yourself and each other can accommodate wide differences between you.
Acceptance is the most basic issue. If you can’t accept the reality of each other, walk.
On October 23 I posted A Hard Personal Lesson in Acceptance , in which I explained that my son Richard is dying and I’m getting a difficult lesson.
Two weeks have passed and I have spent the last two days with Richard. He requires a lot more pain medication now. He has deteriorated considerably in the past month. He was frail but mentally sharp a month ago. Yesterday he was fragile, but mentally absent much of the time. Fortunately, the absences were punctuated by periods of lucidity.
My son Colin died less than four weeks ago. Actually Colin was my stepson, but we had been in each other’s lives since he was 11, and he introduced me to hospital staff as "my dad"…he was my son. His memorial service is the day after tomorrow.
Colin had been very ill in hospital since mid February. He had an infection around his heart, and his heart suddenly gave out. The nurse who was with him said he started to have difficulty breathing and he was gone in seconds.
If you had known Colin, you would remember his charm and good humor. He could light up a room with his presence.
You might also have been exposed to his generosity and compassion.
The ability to accept the flow of life without judgment is one of the secret ingredients to happiness. Acceptance does not mean that you have to like what you see, but denying reality never brings happiness to you or your community.
One of the realities we all need to practice accepting is that each generation is a little different from the generations that preceded it. The process is the same in every culture, no matter how much those in charge would like it to be otherwise. My stories below are from my own culture; make up your own if you are from a different culture
I am disappointed when I see or hear of someone being unable to accept the normal behaviour of a generation behind them. Then I get really irked when an establishment or service provider or government official goes along with the intolerance.
One of my stepsons is gravely ill in hospital, and the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for him and the entire family. He has been my son since he was 11; he just turned 40. This is a personal story of grief, love, anger, acceptance and gratefulness.
He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.
Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…
Is it possible to have a marriage relationship unpolluted by criticism?
Answer: Yes.
Could a relationship without criticism be healthy?
Answer: Yes. (One of them would not have to be dead, as an uncle suggested to me when I was entering my first adult relationship.)
Could you express your emotions and strongly disagree about something and yet still not criticize?
Answer: Yes.
The Upward Spiral of Communion
When you first meet someone, you talk, you get to know each other, you find you like each other, and you both want to talk more. Communication, knowledge and affection lead to a deep connection between you, so I call the process "the upward spiral of communion." You are connecting at the heart, mind and spirit level. There can be no criticism.
If he or she were to criticize you early in your relationship, it would break the connection and you would part. If you were to feel critical, you would just leave with a silent "I don’t need this."
It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.
What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.
Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!
I have been married well over 40 years, but not all to the same woman. Yes, I have been divorced twice. If you are thinking, "He must really like being married," you would be right. I do. When a marriage is working, it is the best place on earth. But when it is failing, it can be an incredibly lonely place.
Eileen is my third wife and we have been together 27 years. She was married before. Her first husband has been married twice more, each time to a woman who had been previously married. My first wife married again and my second wife married twice more. Their husbands had all been married before.
The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.
Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.
The young man the movie, "Into the Wild," sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, "Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared." Perhaps he was right.
A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…
My son Colin died less than four weeks ago. Actually Colin was my stepson, but we had been in each other’s lives since he was 11, and he introduced me to hospital staff as "my dad"…he was my son. His memorial service is the day after tomorrow.
One of my stepsons is gravely ill in hospital, and the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for him and the entire family. He has been my son since he was 11; he just turned 40. This is a personal story of grief, love, anger, acceptance and gratefulness.
It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his 
I have been married well over 40 years, but not all to the same woman. Yes, I have been divorced twice. If you are thinking, "He must really like being married," you would be right. I do. When a 
The idea of the 
