Neill Neill, Ph.D.

Those of you who know me personally or have been following my blog are aware that I lost my son to cancer and other problems three months ago. In fact, he died three months ago yesterday. It is a part of parenting none of us ever wants to have face, but it happened nonetheless.

I tell my clients that it may take two years to get completely through the grieving for the loss of a loved one. But applying that principle to my own life is harder. I think I’ve been doing quite well in getting back to normal. My energy level is back up. I am able to concentrate. I am enjoying my work. Family life is good.

Then two things happened this week that caught me off guard and shouldn’t have. For the past week or so I have been having disturbing dreams. They’re not intense enough to qualify as nightmares, but they are about death and loss and interpersonal blunders. A couple of times I’ve not been able to get back to sleep.

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Dr. Neill Neill

I have been married well over 40 years, but not all to the same woman. Yes, I have been divorced twice. If you are thinking, "He must really like being married," you would be right. I do. When a marriage is working, it is the best place on earth. But when it is failing, it can be an incredibly lonely place.

Eileen is my third wife and we have been together 27 years. She was married before. Her first husband has been married twice more, each time to a woman who had been previously married. My first wife married again and my second wife married twice more. Their husbands had all been married before.

Now, turn the clock back 150 years or so.

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Dr. Neill Neill

It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.

What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.

Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!

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He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.

Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…

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Dr. Neill Neill

Again and again I hear from people who are having difficulty with a new relationship in which one of the parties has recently been in a relationship which ended. 

The ending may have come through the death of a partner or a separation.  I define "recently" as during the past year or two. In either case a multitude of emotions will be surfacing.  In either case there will be grief, fear, resentment and anger before it’s over.

The one seeking help or advice is sometimes the person recently bereaved or separated, and sometimes the person who has entered a relationship with someone recently bereaved or separated.

Before going into a discussion of the issue, I must declare that I have been there…

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Neill Neill, Ph.D.

I have long argued that more optimistic people live happier more fulfilling lives. This is basic positive psychology. We maximize our sense of wellbeing by focusing on what we want, not on what we don’t want. Optimistic people seem to have a brightness of the future. Their more pessimistic compatriots worry about the future.

Today I read an interesting New York Times article about mortality among optimistic versus pessimistic older adults. It was entitled "Yet Another Worry for Those Who Believe the Glass Is Half-Empty." It starts off with, "Now, it seems, pessimists may really have something to worry about: their health."

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by Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologogist

Grieving from loss touches all of us. It seems to intensify for many during the holidays, because there are so many memories of the past that was. 

Human beings who experience loss must grieve.  We must do that cleansing. The cycle of grieving and recovery from loss is a normal psychological/spiritual human process. We try to interfere with it at our peril.

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Dr. Neill Neill

Most of us personally know at least one family that has been touched by cancer. The chances are that we have experienced cancer in our own families. Perhaps you are dealing with a diagnosis of cancer or have beaten cancer yourself.

I personally have lost a son, two sisters-in-law and two favorite uncles to cancer in the last five years.

I just got off the phone with a dear friend whose mother has been recently diagnosed with cancer. Her cancer has not metastasized, so with surgery and probably chemo her chances of a full recovery are good.

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By Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist

There have been some deeply personal things going on in my life that during the past few weeks have made me feel at times like my life is on hold.

My son is gravely ill.

My firstborn son, Richard, is gravely ill at age 41. He’s in the capable loving care of his wife, Tracey. He is receiving excellent daily palliative care from an outside support team. But he lives 3000 miles from where I live.

My wife Eileen and I visited him in early October when it appeared he had only days to live. He has rallied somewhat, and I’m planning another trip within the next two weeks. At this point he thinks he will make it until my next visit.

And that is why I have this feeling of being on hold.

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