Dr. Neill Neill
Grief is an emotion we all will experience at some point in life. The loss through death of someone near to us is an inevitable part of life. Intellectually, we all get this truth, but experientially, it takes some of us a long time to get the lesson.
My oldest daughter, the mother of my first grandchild and the grandmother of my two great grandchildren, died suddenly three weeks ago in Ontario.
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Dr. Neill Neill
On October 23 I posted A Hard Personal Lesson in Acceptance , in which I explained that my son Richard is dying and I’m getting a difficult lesson.
Two weeks have passed and I have spent the last two days with Richard. He requires a lot more pain medication now. He has deteriorated considerably in the past month. He was frail but mentally sharp a month ago. Yesterday he was fragile, but mentally absent much of the time. Fortunately, the absences were punctuated by periods of lucidity.
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The holidays are meant to be a time of joy and memories, and they always have been for Eleen and me. But the 2008 holiday is the first Christmas we are facing after our son Colin died and the third after our son Richard died. We both admit to apprehensiveness as the holidays gets closer.
There is no doubt the holidays can cause stress for the bereaved, and can often take the joy out of the season. The following article, "Important Tips for Managing the Holidays for the Bereaved," was written by Gloria Lintermans and Marilyn Stolzman. They sent it to me just after Richard died two years ago and gave me permission to republish here. Their article gives useful tips on learning how to enjoy the holidays again. Thank you Gloria and Marilyn.
On a personal note, this year we are combining Tip 1, CREATE A NEW HOLIDAY RITUAL, with Tip 8, FAMILY AND FRIENDS: our son Ian from Ontario will be spending Christmas with us. It will be his first visit to the West.
I wish you all a holiday time filled with love and light.
Dr. Neill Neill
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by Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologogist
Grieving from loss touches all of us. It seems to intensify for many during the holidays, because there are so many memories of the past that was.
Human beings who experience loss must grieve. We must do that cleansing. The cycle of grieving and recovery from loss is a normal psychological/spiritual human process. We try to interfere with it at our peril.
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by Dr. Neill Neill
The day after my last post, Parenting and Grieving , my son died. Richard slipped into a coma a few hours after our final goodbyes and died within a couple of days. Two days later we held a funeral service for him in his church as he wanted.
When it was all over, I desperately needed to be home, so I caught a flight the next day. Seven more days have passed.
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Neill Neill, Ph.D.
Those of you who know me personally or have been following my blog are aware that I lost my son to cancer and other problems three months ago. In fact, he died three months ago yesterday. It is a part of parenting none of us ever wants to have face, but it happened nonetheless.
I tell my clients that it may take two years to get completely through the grieving for the loss of a loved one. But applying that principle to my own life is harder. I think I’ve been doing quite well in getting back to normal. My energy level is back up. I am able to concentrate. I am enjoying my work. Family life is good.
Then two things happened this week that caught me off guard and shouldn’t have. For the past week or so I have been having disturbing dreams. They’re not intense enough to qualify as nightmares, but they are about death and loss and interpersonal blunders. A couple of times I’ve not been able to get back to sleep.
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Dr. Neill Neill
Again and again I hear from people who are having difficulty with a new relationship in which one of the parties has recently been in a relationship which ended.
The ending may have come through the death of a partner or a separation. I define "recently" as during the past year or two. In either case a multitude of emotions will be surfacing. In either case there will be grief, fear, resentment and anger before it’s over.
The one seeking help or advice is sometimes the person recently bereaved or separated, and sometimes the person who has entered a relationship with someone recently bereaved or separated.
Before going into a discussion of the issue, I must declare that I have been there…
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Dr. Neill Neill
It was with sadness that I heard the news of the death in our small community of a five-year-old boy, accidentally run over by a backing truck. And now I see from the local newspaper that his grieving parents are struggling with an insurance company.
What distinguishes an accidental death from other deaths is the suddenness. Most of what I write below applies to other deaths, although the timing may be a bit different.
Last year I suffered the death of a son. But the death of a child? My son was 41 and we saw it coming; this little boy was vibrant and healthy and only five. When a child of that age dies, it is as if a part of the parents dies. What horrific trauma for the parents!
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By Dr. Neill Neill, Registered Psychologist
There have been some deeply personal things going on in my life that during the past few weeks have made me feel at times like my life is on hold.
My son is gravely ill.
My firstborn son, Richard, is gravely ill at age 41. He’s in the capable loving care of his wife, Tracey. He is receiving excellent daily palliative care from an outside support team. But he lives 3000 miles from where I live.
My wife Eileen and I visited him in early October when it appeared he had only days to live. He has rallied somewhat, and I’m planning another trip within the next two weeks. At this point he thinks he will make it until my next visit.
And that is why I have this feeling of being on hold.
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Dr. Neill Neill
One of my stepsons is gravely ill in hospital, and the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster ride for him and the entire family. He has been my son since he was 11; he just turned 40. This is a personal story of grief, love, anger, acceptance and gratefulness.
He went to Emergency with "the flu" under pressure from the family. They thought he had pneumonia and admitted him. It turned out to be a serious staff infection.
Then tests revealed that the infection had moved to his heart area, and since he has an artificial heart valve, they transferred him to the cardiac unit in a larger hospital. There, various specialists are involved: cardiac, infectious disease, internal medicine and others as needed. One thing was agreed on: the condition of his heart rules out surgery…
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